Smile Like You Mean It

"Smile Like You Mean It" The Killers



This song played at the perfect time as I went home at the darkest hour lonely and afraid. It reflects much of my life and how I feel about today. I cried. I let it all out. I haven't done that in so long. Maybe because I don't need to as much, but I think it's mostly because I have been holding back the emotion. I have a lot of it locked up. I don't know who to talk to anymore about it. My parents don't seem to have the energy or patience to deal with it understandably under the current conditions. But the therapist isn't there when I need him, heck I even forgot to go. But now I need him at one in the morning. My friends are always there, but I almost need someone closer than a friend. I need a companion. I know who my close friends are. And I can trust them to listen to me. But it is complex.

Recently this past couple of months, probably quite longer, I have gotten in the habit of locking my emotions in hidden place. A habit of consistently crushing my feeling and putting them under the bed. I have banned myself from anything romantic. I then stopped talking to people about those feelings I had. I tried as hard as I could to not force other people to listen to my stresses. I tried desperately to be as perfect as possible to prevent other people from hating me. I became the ultimate people pleaser. And today I realized all this.

For years I have tried to stop being this way. I have tried to stop being the people pleaser. I have tried to be accepting of my imperfections. I have tried to accept the tears and let them gush through me. I have tried to change. To be a better me. But I don't think I went far enough. I reached a point where I was able to accept the imperfections, in which I could be okay with myself and my emotions, but then this year came.

Maybe it was the lack of romance. Maybe it was the crazy schedule. Maybe it was the sleeplessness. Maybe it was the stress of the economy on my family. Maybe it was just me being a teenager. But whatever I had accomplished towards this reduction of stress and being just better about who I was completely fell apart and now I feel like I am back to my old ways.

And this is why: For months I never heard myself say the things I said today. The suicidal thoughts, the "I am a failure" or "It's all my fault" thoughts. Blaming myself for everything. Crying uncontrollably. Arguing with my mom. Feeling crushed. Feeling like the end of the world. As I drove home I still felt it painfully. What would happen if I crashed that car at fifty? Or sixty? Would I do it or would I brake before I slammed into the wall? But I am here because I am scared. It's almost pathetic. I'm too afraid to disappoint people to even commit suicide.

I blame myself for the problems in my family or I take on unnecessary responsibilities among my friends to please them. I try to detract the family from the blaming they consistently do to each other by blaming myself for everything. I try to detract from argument or disappointment among my friends by driving them places and not following my own rules for timing and such.

And just like the song, I smile but only like I mean it. I don't actually smile with meaning, it's all just a facade. It's easier to deal with life that way, but only for the short term. It's easier to deal with things if you put them aside and give a fake smile. If you pretend everything is okay, maybe it will be.

But if I don't smell the roses (or garbage) that's all around me I will never realize it and it just gets worse. If I just don't do the job app today I can do it tomorrow; just smile like you mean it! But really, I lose so much opportunity, so much hope, so much fulfillment by letting these things slip by through my life. By pushing so much back I never have to worry about the disappointment or failure; I can just smile all the time. But when I am driving alone at night and contemplating my life, my real feelings coming out, I don't smile. I don't frown. I just want to be done with this life. I feel pointless. I feel lost. I feel like I've fallen off a cliff and had many chances to grab a rock to save myself, but was too lazy or afraid to and now I am falling faster to my doom.

Today I spent a lot of time and energy trying to organize this outing to the Bon Odori in Seattle. I really love that festival. And last time I brought a friend it was marvelous. But it wasn't perfect. It wasn't exactly what I expected it to be. It's probably just because we spent an incredibly long time there. I hope everyone enjoyed their time at the festival. And that is my only satisfaction tonight. But like anything the revelry of the festival was only a short-term satisfaction. I thought about it. I'm having loads of fun here. But I'm just putting aside the actual work. The things that need to be done. I'm trying so hard to enjoy myself, but I'm not satisfied because I'm procrastinating on so much else. However despite all, I think it was good to go because it gave me an opportunity to release and just be myself. I got a chance to release my emotions just that little bit.

The problem is that even if I know how to release my emotions, how do I reasonably handle my emotions when I take on the stresses of things like job searching, remembering chores and appointments, leadership roles, or community service?

How do I make it possible for me to grow as a person while not completely falling apart emotionally? Can I be better both emotionally and goal-wise or is it mutually exclusive?

I wish someone had the answers. I wish I could talk to someone about everything. What saddens me even more is how I did have that. I had a dear friend. Then she became my girlfriend. Her life fell apart, it didn't take much to realize it. She had changed, we broke up, she told me she was bi. And after our deeper relationship, we no longer had that close friendship. But of all the people I want to talk to right now she would be the one. Sure I have other friends that are so deeply close to me and I can talk to them about so much. But they are more recent. They don't know the past that is haunting me right now. And of course I can depend on them. But I miss her. I miss how she listened and accepted me for who I was. That's something all my close friends do. But she knew me so well like I knew her. My newer friends can help me move forward but I first need to deal with the past and I can only do that by amending the friendship I have with her and hoping that she can help me.

I haven't told anyone much about how hurt I have been by my loss of my close friendship. It ended too abruptly. We never got to reach any closure. Maybe we can become good friends again, but I need to at least reach a point in which we are both okay with whatever we are and move forward.

I am tired of this rutt I have been in. I am able to accomplish some stuff like those AP scores and student leadership. But there is a clear ladder to climb. The rest of life is like a jungle mountain without a path. I have to clear it myself. I have to figure it out. But right now it's just so overwhelming. I need my friends or family or someone to just help me find my way.

I remember so distinctly and now I am so affected by the day I went to that Belgian troupe I talked about earlier in this blog. I was affected then, but now I realize it with this song. The point of the whole thing was the final smile. The man asked we to smile, to give a real smile. A smile with meaning. But all I did was smile like I meant it. It wasn't the real smile. It wasn't the real joy. Because I'm missing that. I'm missing that vitality. That energy. That fulfillment. Everything has been so temporary like a drug. I am not searching for utter happiness, but just contentment. Contentment that will allow me to move forward with my life allowing me to accomplish my goals, small and big, short and long term. Contentment that will allow me to get through the challenges along the way and to face the new one and go right through them with confidence. Contentment that will allow to give a real smile.

And at the moment I am lost. Entirely lost. I don't know where to go, who to look to, what to do. I just want to hide. But I will take that first step. I will face the music. I won't go the easy way out through death or sitting in my house alone in my bed or at the computer. I have a week of Aerospace camp and as much as I dislike the whole topic I will embrace this week as a time for introspection away from my real life. I will hide away for one week while also facing the challenges head on. It's the perfect setting.

And when I return I just hope someone will be ready to give me that push forward or hold my hand or hug me or console me or slap me or whatever they need to do to get me to finally get somewhere towards who I really want to be. To find that smile.