Time to Do

"The only way to learn from your mistakes is to make mistakes"
-Anonymous

It's hard to do things. To make the choices. I've never been the dealbreaker. I always search for compromise, balance, and pleasantry. I wish I was more of the person I want to be. I regret so much in life. I yearn to be perfect. I am always disappointed. I know I don't have to be perfect. I know I don't have to find success. Why can't I just be contented and happy? Why can't I make those decisions without breaking apart and freaking out? Why can't I handle mistakes? Why do I feel like a constant disappointment and failure?

Today I realized that instead of making decisions I just stall and hope that my choices will be decided for me. In fact in the past few years I can't remember a time when I made a decision that was not clear cut without help. I always push back anything that is important. I always halt any major decisions and wait for input from other people and more information. So I am trying to figure out how I can more effectively decide and act.

People always tell me different advice. Just Do It, like the Nike commercials say. Sometimes that works for me. But usually it requires the perfect conditions and uses up a lot of energy and stress. It feels great when I do things by myself just by straightforward action, but I don't seem to be able to always easily "do it." Others say I should be motivated by god. Or my parents should push me more. Everyone makes it seem so easy. I don't know what needs to happen to me. But I need to change. I need to be able to make the tough decisions without running away from them.

I talk so much about how I want to do so many things. But I never actually do anything. I just cannot get myself to go and accomplish my goals. I feel so debilitated by my fears of imperfection, mistakes, and displeasure among my peers. I strive to have this perfect world, but in doing so I make my world worse. I only seem to follow the short-term solutions and never work towards long-term fulfillment.

I want to go forwards. I hate this rut I've been stuck in for so long. Where is my confidence? Where is my self-esteem? Where is my motivation? Where is my soul?

"Bruised Water" Chicane ft. Natasha Bedingfield



"But if I never take this leap of faith I’ll never know"

above song lyric: exactly the focus of my whole discussion.