I have been pulled out of my comfort zone a lot this week. Two absences already; I have only been to school one day this week. Class council retreat, not too bad, since it's been done before, except this time I'm the president. Yom Kippur - meditative, but I'm forced to fast and think hard about my life, while making up my homework assignments. No sleep.
And the biggest worry I have had is my friendships. I have not had much social time, although I have stuffed a bit in here and there. With all this activity, friendship really doesn't have much room. Yes, I spent all day doing icebreakers with the class council, but they are all just regular friends. None of them have the super close relationships that I depend on for life. So, yes I have had social time, but no meaningful social time.
I guess this has just been a work period. But I have so much to do and I haven't managed my time well enough to get everything done. I want to do some agendas for class council. I want to e-mail the Temple about my madrich position. I want to get a copy of my transcript. I want to check my new class rank. I want to sell senior girls shirts. And senior sweatshirts. Do my kanji. Finish my Stats hw. Write my UC personal statement. And my UW essay. And those common app essays too. Fix the light on my car. Get a job while I'm at it. Finish that silly culminating project. Re-organize the song on my zen. Look at scholarships. Apply for scholarships. Do my JSA stuff: make a list of chapter activism activities, call organizations, go to the actual event at the same time as the Salmon Days Parade - which I am in. Train for martial arts. Practice my form. Timed write after school. Class council meeting. Choose senior pics. Complete work forms for temple. Talk to art teachers. Delegate responsibilities. Gather donations for the auction: hotels, museums, Kirkland, Issaquah. Wake up early on Friday for spirit honking. Oh, and I have a weird blemish on my back that I assume is either acne or cancer. Hoping for the first guess. And then it just keeps going and going.
My motto used to be: "just keep swimming," but in this situation I might as well need a jet boat, which do not have at my disposal (why don't I just start drinking caffeinated beverages?). I just don't know how I can do it all. I don't know anyone who is exactly in my shoes, so I have nobody to look up to. What do I do? I can only look into myself.
I am jumping far outside my comfort zone which results in a bit of damage and slows me down from progress and thus sleep and additional progress. But I will only be slowed down further if I don't stumble now. Let's just hope these falters don't cause me to fall down too hard to get up.
"Watch The Sun Come Up" - Example
This song makes me feel in love. It makes me feel excited for my future. I just need to watch the sun come up, and keep going, and keep enjoying those small moments.
:)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Standardization is Lame.
Another number. The ACT. Same scores exactly as the concurring score for the SAT. So I'm good, but not good enough. I hate these numbers. But they don't really matter. If I need a fantastic number to go to a great college, then I guess that college is not for me. What really matters to me is that I go to a college that opens my mind, challenges my perceptions, inspires me to make a difference, contributes to the globe, and invokes confidence. Many colleges will offer this to me and from my understanding God is probably sending me somewhere I will learn these lessons and grow as a person.
I have hope. I have a dream. And I guess that's all I need. Through all the obstacles and the ups and downs, all I need is something to aim for. And ideal. If I never reach this ideal I can proudly proclaim that I tried.
Yes, I envy those with the better numbers, but if they find themselves in their exclusive club of colleges only because of those numbers then I will be happy to know that I am not part of that. I guess I must put more effort into what I love, not standardized tests or class ranks.
Eilu D'varim
On this day of atonement, Yom Kippur, I hope to be granted forgiveness for my sins and that I may become a more meaningful person in the year to come, not just in thought and speech, but also in action. Lilah Tov.
I have hope. I have a dream. And I guess that's all I need. Through all the obstacles and the ups and downs, all I need is something to aim for. And ideal. If I never reach this ideal I can proudly proclaim that I tried.
Yes, I envy those with the better numbers, but if they find themselves in their exclusive club of colleges only because of those numbers then I will be happy to know that I am not part of that. I guess I must put more effort into what I love, not standardized tests or class ranks.
Eilu D'varim
These are the things the fruits (=interest) of which a person enjoys in this world, but the principal remains for him in the world to come:
- honoring father and mother,
- deeds of lovingkindness,
- early arrival at the study-house morning and evening,
- hospitality to guests,
- visiting the sick,
- dowering the bride,
- accompanying the dead (to burial),
- devotion in prayer,
- making peace between a man and his fellow,
- and the study of Torah is equal to them all.
(b. Shabbat 127a)
On this day of atonement, Yom Kippur, I hope to be granted forgiveness for my sins and that I may become a more meaningful person in the year to come, not just in thought and speech, but also in action. Lilah Tov.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Elation
Every once in a while I have good days. But this week has just been wonderful. I have really turned around. When I used to dawdle all night on the computer and push aside my homework I now actually focus for set amounts of time and then later enjoy some refreshing relaxation time. But I don't feel as unproductive. Despite being sick and tired I am happy. I am doing stuff. Not everything, and I am making plenty of mistakes, but I am also cherishing living for all of its wonders. It's amazing what a positive attitude can do. I feel propelled by nothing. Optimism and spirit really are superb.
In this holy week I hope that I can continue to think and be more positive. Not necessarily smiling all the time, but a real sustainable happiness, finding the silver lining in all the twists and turns of life. I love life!
LIFE! I'm alive! I'm excited! There is so much to enjoy. Art, science, literature, people, love. I want to see the movie Precious. I am excited to start developing this art project recognizing the student body. I am excited to start moving forward on the auction and representing the senior class through spirit gear. There is so much to live for. So much to enjoy. Life ain't easy, but I wouldn't take it any other way.
"Embers" Just Jack
This song just makes me happy :)
In this holy week I hope that I can continue to think and be more positive. Not necessarily smiling all the time, but a real sustainable happiness, finding the silver lining in all the twists and turns of life. I love life!
LIFE! I'm alive! I'm excited! There is so much to enjoy. Art, science, literature, people, love. I want to see the movie Precious. I am excited to start developing this art project recognizing the student body. I am excited to start moving forward on the auction and representing the senior class through spirit gear. There is so much to live for. So much to enjoy. Life ain't easy, but I wouldn't take it any other way.
"Embers" Just Jack
This song just makes me happy :)
Monday, September 21, 2009
Ranked
Today I was determined to not even see my class rank. I didn't want to face any disappointment. I wanted to avoid comparison. But I went to the counseling office to talk about my transcript and then I ran into the giant and scary list. I saw it and to my dismay I was ranked twentieth. 20. Not even in the teens. I wasn't entirely disappointed, but it was not what I wanted. I wanted to be high enough to feel good about myself, somewhere in the lower teens. But 20? Not exactly my dream. I felt like I must be really stupid. I felt like I must not be qualified to go to Berkeley or accomplish any of my dreams. I don't know why I set myself up for such lofty goals. I didn't get National Merit Scholarship. I didn't get valedictorian. But then again I guess my goals are just silly. What are my motives for these goals? Inclusion? Respect? Admiration? Living up to that geography has really messed me up. How on earth do I live up to such success from that event? I really can't. But it is time to stop assuming I am better than those around me. It is time to stop judging and being elitist.
The worst part about my disappointment was how I reacted. Instead of clearly thinking and being rational, I immediately started whining to my friends. I compared myself to my peers. I sought attention. Why do I need attention so badly? Once you receive attention and admiration it's so hard to accept that not everything is such a big deal. My experiences have caused me to expect that every small change in life is another spectacle. But it really isn't.
And what really disturbs me is how my focus is so centered on such a stupid thing like class rank. Does it really matter? NO, 20 is amazing and will get me into college. I should be doing something meaningful. I should be taking action. I should apply myself. I guess this is just another shameful lesson in conceitedness. I really want to stop being so self-centered.
Time for action.
And my stress release: dancing.
"G-Get Up and Dance" - Faber Drive
The worst part about my disappointment was how I reacted. Instead of clearly thinking and being rational, I immediately started whining to my friends. I compared myself to my peers. I sought attention. Why do I need attention so badly? Once you receive attention and admiration it's so hard to accept that not everything is such a big deal. My experiences have caused me to expect that every small change in life is another spectacle. But it really isn't.
And what really disturbs me is how my focus is so centered on such a stupid thing like class rank. Does it really matter? NO, 20 is amazing and will get me into college. I should be doing something meaningful. I should be taking action. I should apply myself. I guess this is just another shameful lesson in conceitedness. I really want to stop being so self-centered.
Time for action.
And my stress release: dancing.
"G-Get Up and Dance" - Faber Drive
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Puyallup!
In my new optimistic spirit, today I went to the Puyallup Fair, the biggest and best fair in the grand Northwest. And for the first time in a while I feel hope. Obama withdrew our missile program in Europe and the Russians removed theirs. The economy is slowly rebounding, and while not perfect there is hope in innovation and spirit. Based on the Puyallup Fair's ridiculous attendance, the recession seems a little ridiculous. Life is great. Life isn't perfect, but whatever happens, things will be alright. I love this video by Shiloh. I hope to be like the kids in the video: great friends with great futures ahead because of their optimism. If you believe things will work out, they will.
"Alright" - Shiloh
Amazing 15-year-old singer from BC. It surprises me how so many young musical artists come from Canada.
For a while now, I have been depressed, but this weekend has changed my life. I received that inspirational facebook message on Friday night when I was in the pits of despair, and then I had Rosh Hashanah. The Jewish New Year. A time for repentence and a declaration of sins. I finally felt the shackles of worry, self-pity, and prejudice slide away. I always picture the words of my sins: ignorance, gossip, self-absorption, float away above me and into the sky. I know those sins will stay with me for life, but I feel renewed hope and the ability to improve myself. I see so much hope in the world. I see so much reason to live. I don't know what was missing in my life, but this marvelous weekend showed me the spirit I needed. I had fun! True utter fun at the fair. Riding on the ExtremeScream, eating junk food, viewing Mt. Rainier. All of it was so magical and fantastic. And coming back to reality I didn't feel like the temporary happiness had disappeared when the activity stopped, rather the happiness remains inside of me, unwilling to vanish.
I am not happy in the excited way, but happy in a deeper way. I feel like my veins are embedded with joy. I am pervaded with a sense of optimism. I feel more willing to do the mundane tasks and to find the joys in life. I feel more willing to listen, open up, and hug my friends. Even if I am tired tomorrow, I am excited to be a part of the adventures and put my full energy into all of my efforts.
More change is needed in the world! Look at this legacy of apartheid:
http://video.nytimes.com/video/playlist/world/africa/1194811622207/index.html#
"Apartheid Haunts South Africa's Schools"
I thought my school sucked because it's outside and our classrooms are mostly low-tech and portables at the moment. But then I found out these facts about South Africa's public high schools:
-many teachers don't even show up to teach
-less than half of students reach twelfth grade
-lowest scores on achievement tests
-most do not go to college
Life is all about perspective. Life can always be better. Many things are meant to happen in life and God sent me a lot this weekend to reflect about. There is no perfection unless people are contented with imperfection.
"Alright" - Shiloh
Amazing 15-year-old singer from BC. It surprises me how so many young musical artists come from Canada.
For a while now, I have been depressed, but this weekend has changed my life. I received that inspirational facebook message on Friday night when I was in the pits of despair, and then I had Rosh Hashanah. The Jewish New Year. A time for repentence and a declaration of sins. I finally felt the shackles of worry, self-pity, and prejudice slide away. I always picture the words of my sins: ignorance, gossip, self-absorption, float away above me and into the sky. I know those sins will stay with me for life, but I feel renewed hope and the ability to improve myself. I see so much hope in the world. I see so much reason to live. I don't know what was missing in my life, but this marvelous weekend showed me the spirit I needed. I had fun! True utter fun at the fair. Riding on the ExtremeScream, eating junk food, viewing Mt. Rainier. All of it was so magical and fantastic. And coming back to reality I didn't feel like the temporary happiness had disappeared when the activity stopped, rather the happiness remains inside of me, unwilling to vanish.
I am not happy in the excited way, but happy in a deeper way. I feel like my veins are embedded with joy. I am pervaded with a sense of optimism. I feel more willing to do the mundane tasks and to find the joys in life. I feel more willing to listen, open up, and hug my friends. Even if I am tired tomorrow, I am excited to be a part of the adventures and put my full energy into all of my efforts.
More change is needed in the world! Look at this legacy of apartheid:
http://video.nytimes.com/video/playlist/world/africa/1194811622207/index.html#
"Apartheid Haunts South Africa's Schools"
I thought my school sucked because it's outside and our classrooms are mostly low-tech and portables at the moment. But then I found out these facts about South Africa's public high schools:
-many teachers don't even show up to teach
-less than half of students reach twelfth grade
-lowest scores on achievement tests
-most do not go to college
Life is all about perspective. Life can always be better. Many things are meant to happen in life and God sent me a lot this weekend to reflect about. There is no perfection unless people are contented with imperfection.
Friday, September 18, 2009
One Message
Tonight I was awakened.
The past two weeks have been hell. I have become absorbed by the small worries and turned into a workaholic. I have forgotten to enjoy life. I have forgotten how to enjoy the sunshine. I have forgotten to trust. But tonight I realized it all. This afternoon I decided to lie down on my lawn and just stare at the clouds. For ten minutes I just tried to release it all. I just wanted to talk to a friend, but nobody was available. I put a lot of energy into my friendships, and I understand that not everyone can do that, but I hope that all my efforts will be rewarded through trust and rapport. Today all the criticisms and mistakes that had built up from my activities, my family, and myself brought my spirit down to the bottom.
My heart sank like a stone. My mind dizzied. Nothing mattered, yet everything was beautiful. I nearly cried in English as we discussed a passage from Chopin's The Awakening, describing the loneliness of Edna. It wasn't like I was lonely, but nobody seemed to sense how I truly felt. I take for granted my friendships, and expect a lot out of them I guess. But I still wish for people to just try and understand how I feel. I am stubborn and I wish that people would just be brave enough to tell me that they notice something wrong and that they would persist to understand my problem despite my persistent refusals of unhappiness. I deny people entry into my heart. It isn't about telling people your problems, it's about letting them understand your problems and enter your soul.
So tonight I read a profound message on Facebook of all places. I have a friend who I don't really talk to much, yet was able to sense how I felt through these blogs. My friend sent me a message perhaps coincidentally at the same time as the abyss of my negative energy. It came so out of the blue and was so remarkably aware and understanding that I cried. I cried because I felt fulfilled. I cried out of pure joy. I cried as if my mom gave me a hug. My friend knew so much about me that I never release except to very close friends and this blog. But my friend read my blog and understood the ups and downs I have gone through. It was this understanding that made me so euphoric. I felt like someone cared enough about me to face the barrier of unemotion and take the risk to enter my heart. And it worked like magic.
Today I was just so close to calling it all quits. But I kept persisting through life for no reason at all. I at least felt an obligation to finish a task I promised. But afterwards when I came home I didn't know what to think. Whether to worry about the next task or to just stop trying to make life worth living. And I went online to see if anyone cared and all I got were college e-mails and lame facebook photo taggings. But the one message I read was atypical. Someone had actually sent me a personal message that wasn't related to some productive scheme. And my soul opened up and was revitalized. The mattress of stress that had been crushing me had lifted off my so much more. All the pessimism that debilitated me melted into a viscous liquid. Although the stress has not disappeared, the pressure and restrictiveness of it has.
All it took for me was one caring message from a friend. Someone who took the time to just say something to me. We all need these random acts of kindness. There is a time for these and my friend happened to choose the time when I needed it most. I am still trying to comprehend it all, but for once I feel like I can lead a more meaningful life that I want to lead without losing sight of my purpose.
"Empire State of Mind" Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys
Not really a fan of Jay-Z, but this song inspires me. I might just end up in NYC. But no matter where it is, I wil find the inspiration in the small but inherent parts of each setting.
The past two weeks have been hell. I have become absorbed by the small worries and turned into a workaholic. I have forgotten to enjoy life. I have forgotten how to enjoy the sunshine. I have forgotten to trust. But tonight I realized it all. This afternoon I decided to lie down on my lawn and just stare at the clouds. For ten minutes I just tried to release it all. I just wanted to talk to a friend, but nobody was available. I put a lot of energy into my friendships, and I understand that not everyone can do that, but I hope that all my efforts will be rewarded through trust and rapport. Today all the criticisms and mistakes that had built up from my activities, my family, and myself brought my spirit down to the bottom.
My heart sank like a stone. My mind dizzied. Nothing mattered, yet everything was beautiful. I nearly cried in English as we discussed a passage from Chopin's The Awakening, describing the loneliness of Edna. It wasn't like I was lonely, but nobody seemed to sense how I truly felt. I take for granted my friendships, and expect a lot out of them I guess. But I still wish for people to just try and understand how I feel. I am stubborn and I wish that people would just be brave enough to tell me that they notice something wrong and that they would persist to understand my problem despite my persistent refusals of unhappiness. I deny people entry into my heart. It isn't about telling people your problems, it's about letting them understand your problems and enter your soul.
So tonight I read a profound message on Facebook of all places. I have a friend who I don't really talk to much, yet was able to sense how I felt through these blogs. My friend sent me a message perhaps coincidentally at the same time as the abyss of my negative energy. It came so out of the blue and was so remarkably aware and understanding that I cried. I cried because I felt fulfilled. I cried out of pure joy. I cried as if my mom gave me a hug. My friend knew so much about me that I never release except to very close friends and this blog. But my friend read my blog and understood the ups and downs I have gone through. It was this understanding that made me so euphoric. I felt like someone cared enough about me to face the barrier of unemotion and take the risk to enter my heart. And it worked like magic.
Today I was just so close to calling it all quits. But I kept persisting through life for no reason at all. I at least felt an obligation to finish a task I promised. But afterwards when I came home I didn't know what to think. Whether to worry about the next task or to just stop trying to make life worth living. And I went online to see if anyone cared and all I got were college e-mails and lame facebook photo taggings. But the one message I read was atypical. Someone had actually sent me a personal message that wasn't related to some productive scheme. And my soul opened up and was revitalized. The mattress of stress that had been crushing me had lifted off my so much more. All the pessimism that debilitated me melted into a viscous liquid. Although the stress has not disappeared, the pressure and restrictiveness of it has.
All it took for me was one caring message from a friend. Someone who took the time to just say something to me. We all need these random acts of kindness. There is a time for these and my friend happened to choose the time when I needed it most. I am still trying to comprehend it all, but for once I feel like I can lead a more meaningful life that I want to lead without losing sight of my purpose.
"Empire State of Mind" Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys
Not really a fan of Jay-Z, but this song inspires me. I might just end up in NYC. But no matter where it is, I wil find the inspiration in the small but inherent parts of each setting.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Big Dreams, Bigger Heart, and Beautiful Imagery
I find so much to be excited for in this world. I hear a lot of misery and worry; it often suffocates me. But every once in a while, and more often nowadays, I am noticing the small wonders of life. I really need to learn to focus better and get more sleep, but meanwhile I will carry on with my unproductive ways and I will somehow accomplish my dreams.
But what's most important is that I have passion and motivation. I am doing a lot for class council and for school and hopefully I can transfer my determination to my health, global change, family, and friendships. I have to prioritize, but I just love so much in life! Life is exciting and I will enjoy it while I have it. Cherish these opportunities because each day is brighter and better even if it seems temporarily gloomy.
My favorite place in the world. Lanikai Beach - the sand feels like butter on your toes, the water is crystal clear and warm, the wind whips your face gently, and the sunrise is breathtaking. Hopefully it will bring you something, peace, joy, wonder, love, happiness.
But what's most important is that I have passion and motivation. I am doing a lot for class council and for school and hopefully I can transfer my determination to my health, global change, family, and friendships. I have to prioritize, but I just love so much in life! Life is exciting and I will enjoy it while I have it. Cherish these opportunities because each day is brighter and better even if it seems temporarily gloomy.
My favorite place in the world. Lanikai Beach - the sand feels like butter on your toes, the water is crystal clear and warm, the wind whips your face gently, and the sunrise is breathtaking. Hopefully it will bring you something, peace, joy, wonder, love, happiness.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Forgetful
When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller
I aim high. I try to reach for the stars. I know that I can find success through my efforts. But my dreams are lofty and difficult to obtain.
Today the names of the National Merit Semifinalists were announced. I have a list of dreams on my whiteboard that I look at every day on my desk. One of these dreams was to be a National Merit Scholarship Semifinalist. But my name wasn't in the newspaper announcement. I didn't achieve that dream. I tried and I got in the ninety-eighth percentile, just shy of the qualifications. If I had answered one or two more questions correctly I could have achieved my dream.
But I still went forth and congratulated my good friends, several of whom were semifinalists. I felt proud for them, but also ashamed and depressed for not being as successful. I feel so inferior to these people who are so brilliant. I have one friend who has a passion for music and creates orchestras, concerts, and the like, not to mention being president of honor society. Then I have my friend and neighbor who heads the robotics club, goes to work often, has a 4.0, and so much more. Then I have my friend who is smart and just plain happy with life.
I look at these people and I get two feelings.
I feel left out of an exclusive club.
And I feel inspired.
Even though the door closed for this dream, many more possibilities lie before me. And as Helen Keller says, I need to stop worrying about the one lost dream and find the many other dreams ahead of me. I will turn this closed door into motivation for perseverance and more effort.
I need to remember the many opportunities ahead of me. I need to remember the many ideals I have. I need to renew my hope. I need my friends. I need spirit. I need optimism. But where do I find it? I find it when I realize my dreams. I find it when I find a purpose. I will make a difference in this world. I will live outside myself. I will forget this National Merit Contest and move on to the many other opportunities of life.
Life with purpose. Accepting my flaws and taking in the lessons. I will take my bow this time; it's all I can do.
"Take a Bow" - Glee (originally Rihanna)
Helen Keller
I aim high. I try to reach for the stars. I know that I can find success through my efforts. But my dreams are lofty and difficult to obtain.
Today the names of the National Merit Semifinalists were announced. I have a list of dreams on my whiteboard that I look at every day on my desk. One of these dreams was to be a National Merit Scholarship Semifinalist. But my name wasn't in the newspaper announcement. I didn't achieve that dream. I tried and I got in the ninety-eighth percentile, just shy of the qualifications. If I had answered one or two more questions correctly I could have achieved my dream.
But I still went forth and congratulated my good friends, several of whom were semifinalists. I felt proud for them, but also ashamed and depressed for not being as successful. I feel so inferior to these people who are so brilliant. I have one friend who has a passion for music and creates orchestras, concerts, and the like, not to mention being president of honor society. Then I have my friend and neighbor who heads the robotics club, goes to work often, has a 4.0, and so much more. Then I have my friend who is smart and just plain happy with life.
I look at these people and I get two feelings.
I feel left out of an exclusive club.
And I feel inspired.
Even though the door closed for this dream, many more possibilities lie before me. And as Helen Keller says, I need to stop worrying about the one lost dream and find the many other dreams ahead of me. I will turn this closed door into motivation for perseverance and more effort.
I need to remember the many opportunities ahead of me. I need to remember the many ideals I have. I need to renew my hope. I need my friends. I need spirit. I need optimism. But where do I find it? I find it when I realize my dreams. I find it when I find a purpose. I will make a difference in this world. I will live outside myself. I will forget this National Merit Contest and move on to the many other opportunities of life.
Life with purpose. Accepting my flaws and taking in the lessons. I will take my bow this time; it's all I can do.
"Take a Bow" - Glee (originally Rihanna)
Monday, September 14, 2009
A Command to Have Fun
Today my leadership teacher noticed my stress and worried feeling. She told me that I needed to come into class with a positive attitude and less stress, or I would lose some points. And I agree. I should be punished for going too far in my stressfulness. I just wish people around me would help me realize that I am way too stressed out. I wish people would actually drag me out of my stressfulness and do something to help me realize to find balance in my life.
There is so much to do. So much to balance. This weekend I collapsed from all the stress. Today I had a major timed essay and another essay due. Last night my document disappeared and I had to rewrite it wasting another precious hour of sleep. I had a mediocre weekend filled with work and stress. Although it was nice to go to the JSA convention I really didn't have any close friends there and definitely no relaxation; JSAers just debate and add to my stress level. Before that I had my auction procurement in Seattle, and the ACT, and the complaints and stresses from class council members. And yet in all of this I am still trying to get my necessary homework done along with college apps and a job search.
Life is rough. But this weekend I really learned to appreciate those small things. My sedulous study session with two good friends. I only chatted for a few minutes, and I was incredibly productive. It was the precense of friends that helped me get through it. Then I encountered the girl I met at an NYU tour at a high school in Seattle of all places! I got to wander through Seattle and watch the view of Mount Rainier from the bridge. I laughed at the silly Temple assitant director of education's lame jokes and awkward expressions. I enjoyed my friend's perilous fall down the stairs in her high heels. And I watched the Lakehouse; thank god that movie had a happy ending (such a sucker for chick flicks.... no wonder people think I'm gay). So just by looking at this paragraph I can tell that despite all the stress in the previous paragraph, I had just as much joy. Even if the joy was not as noticeable, it was there and it kept me going.
It reall is the small things that count. I will go tomorrow to school and just breathe. Take in the small joys of life and even if it is a horrible unlucky day tomorrow, I will try to find a bright side to it all. While I doubt the power of optimism, I do believe that if you can just find one ounce of happiness it can at least save you from falling apart. And hopefully those small joys will build up and help to make your day a positive, not a negative.
Sleep. Breathe. Laugh.
There is so much to do. So much to balance. This weekend I collapsed from all the stress. Today I had a major timed essay and another essay due. Last night my document disappeared and I had to rewrite it wasting another precious hour of sleep. I had a mediocre weekend filled with work and stress. Although it was nice to go to the JSA convention I really didn't have any close friends there and definitely no relaxation; JSAers just debate and add to my stress level. Before that I had my auction procurement in Seattle, and the ACT, and the complaints and stresses from class council members. And yet in all of this I am still trying to get my necessary homework done along with college apps and a job search.
Life is rough. But this weekend I really learned to appreciate those small things. My sedulous study session with two good friends. I only chatted for a few minutes, and I was incredibly productive. It was the precense of friends that helped me get through it. Then I encountered the girl I met at an NYU tour at a high school in Seattle of all places! I got to wander through Seattle and watch the view of Mount Rainier from the bridge. I laughed at the silly Temple assitant director of education's lame jokes and awkward expressions. I enjoyed my friend's perilous fall down the stairs in her high heels. And I watched the Lakehouse; thank god that movie had a happy ending (such a sucker for chick flicks.... no wonder people think I'm gay). So just by looking at this paragraph I can tell that despite all the stress in the previous paragraph, I had just as much joy. Even if the joy was not as noticeable, it was there and it kept me going.
It reall is the small things that count. I will go tomorrow to school and just breathe. Take in the small joys of life and even if it is a horrible unlucky day tomorrow, I will try to find a bright side to it all. While I doubt the power of optimism, I do believe that if you can just find one ounce of happiness it can at least save you from falling apart. And hopefully those small joys will build up and help to make your day a positive, not a negative.
Sleep. Breathe. Laugh.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Meaning, Comfort, Understanding
I heard a powerful story today. I was peer editing a personal essay by a friend of mine who I do not really now well. I was shocked to find out that she had lost her mother and a good friend in her life time. This was after reading my pathetic essay about humility and shame. What was amazing about her essay was the perspective it brought. When she sees people complain and whine about their lives she doesn't look down on them and actually tries to understand their feelings because she realizes that not everyone faces the same pain. But it brought me astounding perspective. I have not lost anyone particularly important to me, and I cannot imagine how on earth I would handle that kind of loss.
I have not suffered in my idyllic suburban life. I don't really try that hard to get a job or succeed because I don't understand how difficult life really can be. I am so thankful to have the privileges I do and I really don't want to suffer, but I wish I could understand that pain more. I want to make a difference in the world because I have been offered a wonderful chance at life. I wish I could understand better. I wish I could be more empathetic.
What I have understood is that I need to stop my prejudices. I have always thought that my prejudices were justified in some way, but I guess that is how racists think. I always look down upon the people who drink at my school or the cliqueyness of ASB. But I shouldn't judge so quickly. I should open my mind and open my heart. I finally understand why people are so reckless sometimes, considering the multiple deaths that have affected our school in the past year. I can imagine that the friends of those who have passed away feel like life is short. And life is short. I feel such an urgency to stop being so lazy and slackish. I would be ashamed if I died in my sleep tonight, but I finally think I will be more open to the people around me who seem so obnoxious or stupid.
In all of the schoolwork. In all of the college applications. In all of the job searching. In all of the stresses. We all just need to have a heart.
"Haven't Met You Yet" Michael Buble
I have not suffered in my idyllic suburban life. I don't really try that hard to get a job or succeed because I don't understand how difficult life really can be. I am so thankful to have the privileges I do and I really don't want to suffer, but I wish I could understand that pain more. I want to make a difference in the world because I have been offered a wonderful chance at life. I wish I could understand better. I wish I could be more empathetic.
What I have understood is that I need to stop my prejudices. I have always thought that my prejudices were justified in some way, but I guess that is how racists think. I always look down upon the people who drink at my school or the cliqueyness of ASB. But I shouldn't judge so quickly. I should open my mind and open my heart. I finally understand why people are so reckless sometimes, considering the multiple deaths that have affected our school in the past year. I can imagine that the friends of those who have passed away feel like life is short. And life is short. I feel such an urgency to stop being so lazy and slackish. I would be ashamed if I died in my sleep tonight, but I finally think I will be more open to the people around me who seem so obnoxious or stupid.
In all of the schoolwork. In all of the college applications. In all of the job searching. In all of the stresses. We all just need to have a heart.
"Haven't Met You Yet" Michael Buble
Monday, September 7, 2009
I Sit Here Now....
But that will change. I believe that we need to make an effort to protect human dignity. I am taking a stance to lead a life for the world and humanity. I am putting faith in myself to accomplish my goals and make this world a better place. Now I stand.
But that will change. I will work hard to make a difference in this world. I will fight to protect the rights of innocently discriminated and unfairly punished people around the world. I will make an effort to save ourselves from our own self-destruction of the environment and individual liberties. I will go to a great college and take in all the learning and experiences I can to lead and change the world. I will challenge myself and become more aware through a career that will benefit humanity. I won't just stand up. I will walk. I will run. I will climb those fearful mountains for the betterment of the globe.
Please watch this video. I can't believe that this has been signed by so many nations for so long, yet so many people in the world are not allowed to enjoy the full rights designated by the UN Declaration of Human Rights:
Don't sit. Don't stand up. Don't walk. Don't even resign yourself to a run. Climb!
But that will change. I will work hard to make a difference in this world. I will fight to protect the rights of innocently discriminated and unfairly punished people around the world. I will make an effort to save ourselves from our own self-destruction of the environment and individual liberties. I will go to a great college and take in all the learning and experiences I can to lead and change the world. I will challenge myself and become more aware through a career that will benefit humanity. I won't just stand up. I will walk. I will run. I will climb those fearful mountains for the betterment of the globe.
Please watch this video. I can't believe that this has been signed by so many nations for so long, yet so many people in the world are not allowed to enjoy the full rights designated by the UN Declaration of Human Rights:
Don't sit. Don't stand up. Don't walk. Don't even resign yourself to a run. Climb!
Why
I've been searching for motivation to help me accomplish my goals. But I've been struggling to find that fuel to motivate me. I've asked my friends and parents what motivates them, and the answers have been pitifully inconclusive. What motivates one person does not motivate another person.
So after I argued with my mom this morning I felt miserable. I felt pointless. I felt unaccomplished. Looking back at my life I haven't done enough. I haven't really made an impact on the world. I wonder why on earth I deserved to go to a college like Berkeley if I am not good enough. I haven't held an orchestra concert for the hungry or gotten a good paying job. I haven't won any sports events. I haven't built a robot or done a fundraiser for a natural disaster. I haven't volunteered in Africa or organized a movement. But in all the time I hadn't done all this stuff I realized so much about my life.
I realized the real reason for living: to make a difference on a global scale for the betterment of humanity. There are so many ways to do this, but I know that I need one thing to accomplish this - a positive outlook.
While I may not qualify for Berkeley at the moment I know I would prove myself through my passion for change. I love improving people's lives. It is incredibly challenging, but infinitely rewarding. And while I haven't shined yet, I know with a focus on my goals and the right tools I will be able to make a difference. I am going to go forward with my aim and even the menial tasks like asking for auction donations will be focused on my main goal. If I can overcome my fears of selling and speaking to adult authorities I can take on future challenges like corrupt politicians or greedy corporations. I have to ask myself why am I even doing this, and usually it will be a great learning experience that will enable me to go further in the future.
What motivates you? What keeps you going when times are tough? I know that all I have to do is step back (maybe take a shower) and ask myself why.
---------------------------------------------------------
And on a completely separate and depressing note I realized that I might not keep in touch with some of my friends in the future. I mean, once I go to college and everything I will be separated from my close friends. I believed at one time that I could maintain some of my dearest friendships for many years to come, but now that I think about it I worry that it won't be possible. Somehow, someway I will maintain and even strengthen those close friendships for many years to come. I didn't know how I would get through Junior year, but I did, so I guess I will keep up my friends when that challenge comes.
Friendship keeps me alive.
So after I argued with my mom this morning I felt miserable. I felt pointless. I felt unaccomplished. Looking back at my life I haven't done enough. I haven't really made an impact on the world. I wonder why on earth I deserved to go to a college like Berkeley if I am not good enough. I haven't held an orchestra concert for the hungry or gotten a good paying job. I haven't won any sports events. I haven't built a robot or done a fundraiser for a natural disaster. I haven't volunteered in Africa or organized a movement. But in all the time I hadn't done all this stuff I realized so much about my life.
I realized the real reason for living: to make a difference on a global scale for the betterment of humanity. There are so many ways to do this, but I know that I need one thing to accomplish this - a positive outlook.
While I may not qualify for Berkeley at the moment I know I would prove myself through my passion for change. I love improving people's lives. It is incredibly challenging, but infinitely rewarding. And while I haven't shined yet, I know with a focus on my goals and the right tools I will be able to make a difference. I am going to go forward with my aim and even the menial tasks like asking for auction donations will be focused on my main goal. If I can overcome my fears of selling and speaking to adult authorities I can take on future challenges like corrupt politicians or greedy corporations. I have to ask myself why am I even doing this, and usually it will be a great learning experience that will enable me to go further in the future.
What motivates you? What keeps you going when times are tough? I know that all I have to do is step back (maybe take a shower) and ask myself why.
---------------------------------------------------------
And on a completely separate and depressing note I realized that I might not keep in touch with some of my friends in the future. I mean, once I go to college and everything I will be separated from my close friends. I believed at one time that I could maintain some of my dearest friendships for many years to come, but now that I think about it I worry that it won't be possible. Somehow, someway I will maintain and even strengthen those close friendships for many years to come. I didn't know how I would get through Junior year, but I did, so I guess I will keep up my friends when that challenge comes.
Friendship keeps me alive.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Incapable
Am I really capable of accomplishing my goals? Can I really do it? I have so much to do I can't even grasp it all. School, college, life; it's all going way over my head. I feel so overwhelmed that I just don't want to do anything at all. I am trying to write it all down, but I don't feel like I have air to breathe. I already feel like I am drowning in my aspirations on the first day of school.
God help me. God steer me. Guide me toward the right path. I know I have to lead my way, but I just cannot find the way or the will. What makes other people do so well? Why can't I get myself to achieve and take action. Why am I spending so much time writing on this blog instead of changing the world?
I need a plan. I can do anything if I set it all up in an organized manner. But there is just so much. I need time to breathe. And in that time I need some goading to make me organized and focused. I need to clean my room and offer myself a fresh start. I need to write it all down and center myself. I can do it, but I need time. I need space. I need renewal.
I just hope I get into college.
"Fireflies" Owl City
God help me. God steer me. Guide me toward the right path. I know I have to lead my way, but I just cannot find the way or the will. What makes other people do so well? Why can't I get myself to achieve and take action. Why am I spending so much time writing on this blog instead of changing the world?
I need a plan. I can do anything if I set it all up in an organized manner. But there is just so much. I need time to breathe. And in that time I need some goading to make me organized and focused. I need to clean my room and offer myself a fresh start. I need to write it all down and center myself. I can do it, but I need time. I need space. I need renewal.
I just hope I get into college.
"Fireflies" Owl City
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Cheesecake
I'm disappointed. My schedule is not how I want it for a variety of reasons. I don't have any classes with some of my closest friends. I don't have the teachers I necessarily want. I don't have the arrangement that would be ideal. Nothing worked perfectly. But in the past I've had everything work out well. Last year I had the perfect set of teachers and classes for friends and learning. But this year nothing has gone my way. I'm even on a special list of mess-ups by the counselor.
Maybe things could have worked out better, but they didn't. And if it always worked out well life would be as easy as cake. Cheesecake is marvelous to eat. And for years I've eaten delicious cheesecake, rich and sumptuous. So now, I've been handed some zucchini. It's not like I hate zucchini, but if I had to choose between cheesecake and zucchini I think the choice is obvious....
But it's good to try something new every once in a while. Maybe the zucchini is actually a cucumber or tastes even better than the cheesecake. Cheesecake spoils the body, but zucchini strengthens it. Likewise ideal conditions only set you up for a greater struggle if you ever face hardship. I'm happy in an odd way that I don't have my schedule the way I want it because for once I have to accept life and make it work. I will make my life awesome. I will live beyond my schedule. My schedule doesn't control me at all.
Tonight I saw a wonderful sunset. Not the most beautiful one I've ever seen but it was so astonishing. The dark clouds seemed so foreboding above me, but then in the far distance beyond Seattle and towards the Olympics I could see the oranges and yellow that signaled magnificence and hope. While life may seem dismal now, I know there is hope and a possibility for a better future. Even though it wasn't the most spectacular looking vista, it was the imperfection that gave me hope. The ability for us to change and become better. To grow and learn. To struggle and improve.
Life will just have to be taken in stride. I will surrender myself to God's will. I will let go of my biases. I will abandon my indiscriminate irrationality. I will accept imperfection as beauty.
"Surrender" Billy Talent
Canada has the most awesome music on Earth!
Maybe things could have worked out better, but they didn't. And if it always worked out well life would be as easy as cake. Cheesecake is marvelous to eat. And for years I've eaten delicious cheesecake, rich and sumptuous. So now, I've been handed some zucchini. It's not like I hate zucchini, but if I had to choose between cheesecake and zucchini I think the choice is obvious....
But it's good to try something new every once in a while. Maybe the zucchini is actually a cucumber or tastes even better than the cheesecake. Cheesecake spoils the body, but zucchini strengthens it. Likewise ideal conditions only set you up for a greater struggle if you ever face hardship. I'm happy in an odd way that I don't have my schedule the way I want it because for once I have to accept life and make it work. I will make my life awesome. I will live beyond my schedule. My schedule doesn't control me at all.
Tonight I saw a wonderful sunset. Not the most beautiful one I've ever seen but it was so astonishing. The dark clouds seemed so foreboding above me, but then in the far distance beyond Seattle and towards the Olympics I could see the oranges and yellow that signaled magnificence and hope. While life may seem dismal now, I know there is hope and a possibility for a better future. Even though it wasn't the most spectacular looking vista, it was the imperfection that gave me hope. The ability for us to change and become better. To grow and learn. To struggle and improve.
Life will just have to be taken in stride. I will surrender myself to God's will. I will let go of my biases. I will abandon my indiscriminate irrationality. I will accept imperfection as beauty.
"Surrender" Billy Talent
Canada has the most awesome music on Earth!
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