One Message

Tonight I was awakened.

The past two weeks have been hell. I have become absorbed by the small worries and turned into a workaholic. I have forgotten to enjoy life. I have forgotten how to enjoy the sunshine. I have forgotten to trust. But tonight I realized it all. This afternoon I decided to lie down on my lawn and just stare at the clouds. For ten minutes I just tried to release it all. I just wanted to talk to a friend, but nobody was available. I put a lot of energy into my friendships, and I understand that not everyone can do that, but I hope that all my efforts will be rewarded through trust and rapport. Today all the criticisms and mistakes that had built up from my activities, my family, and myself brought my spirit down to the bottom.

My heart sank like a stone. My mind dizzied. Nothing mattered, yet everything was beautiful. I nearly cried in English as we discussed a passage from Chopin's The Awakening, describing the loneliness of Edna. It wasn't like I was lonely, but nobody seemed to sense how I truly felt. I take for granted my friendships, and expect a lot out of them I guess. But I still wish for people to just try and understand how I feel. I am stubborn and I wish that people would just be brave enough to tell me that they notice something wrong and that they would persist to understand my problem despite my persistent refusals of unhappiness. I deny people entry into my heart. It isn't about telling people your problems, it's about letting them understand your problems and enter your soul.

So tonight I read a profound message on Facebook of all places. I have a friend who I don't really talk to much, yet was able to sense how I felt through these blogs. My friend sent me a message perhaps coincidentally at the same time as the abyss of my negative energy. It came so out of the blue and was so remarkably aware and understanding that I cried. I cried because I felt fulfilled. I cried out of pure joy. I cried as if my mom gave me a hug. My friend knew so much about me that I never release except to very close friends and this blog. But my friend read my blog and understood the ups and downs I have gone through. It was this understanding that made me so euphoric. I felt like someone cared enough about me to face the barrier of unemotion and take the risk to enter my heart. And it worked like magic.

Today I was just so close to calling it all quits. But I kept persisting through life for no reason at all. I at least felt an obligation to finish a task I promised. But afterwards when I came home I didn't know what to think. Whether to worry about the next task or to just stop trying to make life worth living. And I went online to see if anyone cared and all I got were college e-mails and lame facebook photo taggings. But the one message I read was atypical. Someone had actually sent me a personal message that wasn't related to some productive scheme. And my soul opened up and was revitalized. The mattress of stress that had been crushing me had lifted off my so much more. All the pessimism that debilitated me melted into a viscous liquid. Although the stress has not disappeared, the pressure and restrictiveness of it has.

All it took for me was one caring message from a friend. Someone who took the time to just say something to me. We all need these random acts of kindness. There is a time for these and my friend happened to choose the time when I needed it most. I am still trying to comprehend it all, but for once I feel like I can lead a more meaningful life that I want to lead without losing sight of my purpose.

"Empire State of Mind" Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys



Not really a fan of Jay-Z, but this song inspires me. I might just end up in NYC. But no matter where it is, I wil find the inspiration in the small but inherent parts of each setting.