Crashed the car, get on that bike.

In the fast lane on the interstate. Windows open wide; it's super hot and the Fahrenheit is rising fast. My two hands are on the wheels... most of the time. Oh no, I have a phone call. And then I receive a text message. The radio starts to break. There is smoke coming out of the radiator. I'm starting to wonder if I should have slept more, AH! especially as I start to swerve. I try to grab a glass of water, but it spills all over me. Yikes, I am crazy late! I have expectations and obligations to fulfill! I have fears to abate! The roof starts to cave. Tires start to detach from the axle. The steering wheel malfunctions after years of steady function. I keep trying to press that accelerator when I know I need to break. I slam into cars, but I keep going. I skip over guardrails, my lights stop functioning, the engine makes horrendous noises. SCREECH! I never pressed the brakes.... huh? The car has stopped in the middle of the highway. It is dark. I am all alone. Everything has stopped. Fire burns. The engine burps. The last wheels rolls away. What have I done?

That's only true for the first two sentences in literal sense, but the rest is true figuratively.
I have spent the past few years living my life in the fast lane. I've ignored the early warning signs like those sneaky noises beneath the hood or the warning lights right in front of my nose. I've only realized how bad my situation has transformed when I have hurt so many people and demolished my own sense of self and well-being. So for the past week or two I have been basically doing nothing because I don't know what to do when my car malfunctions. I don't know what to do when my life falls apart from my own doing.

Life is simple now. I wake up late. Finally today the weather was pleasant and I went outside. I spend a lot of time doing nothing on the computer. I spend a lot of time completing simple tasks and chores. I spend a lot of time doing nothing. I spend a lot of time thinking. Every once in a while I have something interesting going on. Yesterday I worked out at martial arts until my arms felt like jelly. I've been entranced by the surprising world cup matches. I've stared at the weather forecast a lot. I've hiked. I've hung out with friends every other day. I saw Bill Cosby and Toy Story 3. I'm just trying to get back on my feet. The car may have stopped working, but now I am riding the streetcar, slow, pleasant, but completely out of my control.

Psychiatrist. I start to wonder. Maybe I am really messed up. Hopefully this will help me end this misery. Life isn't supposed to be like this. Life isn't supposed to be this uncomfortable! I stand around as I play ultimate frisbee and I feel so awkward. I talk to friends and I just am so anxious. I really want to change. I really want to be more flexible, more resilient, more... normal, but I guess I'm not.

I question if all these years of therapy have worked. I've gone through three people now. I've gone through so much stress and anxiety. But this is the first time I've actually gotten out of the car.

Soon I have to get off this streetcar and actually go somewhere. The streetcar only takes me to a few stops. I need to get on my bike and live the life I want to live. Basically I need to stop living this crazy life in the left most fast lane and start using a different mode of transportation to travel my journey of life.

Bikes require more effort. But they don't break down as much. They strengthen me as a whole person. I am slowing down, but for the better of my future. Most importantly, I am setting my own path.

My biggest fear of the University of Washington was determining a unique identity. Dozens of people at my high school, most of my good friends, are going to the UW. Obviously there are benefits of that aspect. But in the same way, isn't college about finding your own individual path? I always thought that going to Berkeley would solve that for me. It was different enough.
I sit here and I start to laugh at myself actually. I don't even know what's wrong with UW. It truly is like a Berkeley clone. Yes, I'll have to get over the lack of a true campanile, the mascot, and the other silly things. Those are all external. Even the ranking is silly in the whole context of college. I mean, a difference of 20 spots? Can that really determine if one place is that much better than the other? Maybe it's only because I live around all these Huskies. I need to go somewhere where being a Husky is not just assumed.

So instead I am becoming the person I want to be at UW. I am participating in an early fall start to get me started on the right track. I get to take a class on global perspectives of global warming, something I am actually interested in researching or working in someday. I might take a FIG. And I need to sign up for a language placement test. No, I'm not going to Berkeley... or some other fancy bigshot school, but I am going to a place where I can find myself, shine, and break out of these clouds that seem to always smother me. I will make it here and then I will make it anywhere!

"Tenderoni" - Kele