Rejuvenation

I have spent the past few days largely in solitude. I have lived mindlessly. Inputting numbers into a keyboard can only solace my heart for so long.

Belonging. Maybe it is because I have never felt love. Maybe it is because I have always been an individual, a non-conformist. But I have always wanted to feel belonging. I have always wanted to just feel like I am part of something without having to even think about it. I think most people want that feeling.
Look at facebook. People post so much information out there, some things so private like your relationships, photographs, and deep thoughts. Why are so many people in this world so alone?

Part of the problem is just pure laziness and another problem is high expectations. I feel like I am never satisfied with the people who accept me. On the other hand I don't really bother trying to be a really good friend most of the time. I am brutally selfish so often. Especially recently, my life has revolved around myself.

I like to hold hands. Hands have so many nerve endings. All you have to do is softly touch two cold fingertips to feel a sudden, magical warmth linking two human souls. I don't like hugs. Hugs have too many nerve endings. Hugs are everywhere. You can't sense the other person's soul. Hugs scare me. Hands are gentle.

Hands are merely the medium for romance. Touch is capable of so much. Touch is the most uncomfortable sense for us to feel sometimes. Too short and it can be unlovable. Too strong and it can be brutal. Too long and it can be awkward. Too soft and it can be foreboding. Touch is so human. Babies die without it. Music is made with it. Novels are created with it. Hands are magic.

I guess my rejuvenation is a revisitation of my senses. I am rediscovering the magic of hands. I am realizing how lonely I feel. I also am realizing why I am so bitter. After this year of bitterness I think I have learned a lot. I was jealous of so many people. I was hateful. I was selfish. I was lazy. I was stupid. I was foolish. But now I am more mature. I have learned. Now it is summer. Now I am going to really live. Now I am going to do what I love. I am going to continue to face hardship, but this school year is finished. That frustrating chapter of my life is now placed aside.

My thoughts are all over the place. My life is all over the place. My room is a mess. I lack goals. I lack dreams. I lack motivation. I need to return to a place of peace.

"Remain" - Delphic



This song really makes me think about touch.