Today was a gloriously sunny day in Seattle yet again. I got to enjoy such spectacular views here at the campus while going from class to class. This is truly a special location.
I began with my late morning thanks to a canceled discussion section, and started with my English class this morning. I then ran once again to my wildlife class and enjoyed some lecture about the history of wildlife and better understood how wildlife is managed in the USA. After my lecture I went alone to the Vista Cafe in the genome sciences building, which had a wonderfully short line, and expensive, but delicious sandwiches. I sat outside the cafe on a lovely balcony and soaked up sunshine. It was marvelous.
I followed this with a quick and somewhat disappointing meeting with the honors program adviser. I still don't really know what to do about the whole honors program, but I think it will all work itself out. I don't need to do the honors program at all to really enjoy all that this university has to offer, but I will likely still apply to expand my options. Following my brief chat with the honors adviser I walked in more sun to the Sakuma viewpoint before my quiz section on enviro. studies. I really enjoyed this little cove on Portage Bay. It was nice to see the boats, houseboats, and trees from this waterfront outcropping. It was a calming and soothing experience right before a rather chill first quiz section.
Classes here have been great and all my life seems to going swell. There is still so much to explore here and I feel like this is really an amazing university. Once you knock down the walls that make this place fit into a certain box, it really becomes a place that opens up to you. If you reach out your hand here, you receive a handshake, maybe even a hug sometimes!
"Oui mais... non" - Mylene Farmer
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The First Day of Class
Today was the first day of classes and it was quite the wonderful journey. I met new friends, ate at new places, explored new sights, and continued to have a fantastic time here.
Here was today's schedule:
Environmental Studies: Interdisciplinary Foundations (8:30am-9:20am)
Composition: Exposition (10:30am-11:20am)
Wildlife in the Modern World (11:30am-12:20pm)
My journey from the engineering building (my English class...) to the oceanography teaching building (my wildlife class...) is ridiculous for the time I receive, but since I'm in this thing called a FIG (freshman interest group), I get to be with twenty fellow students in these two classes for the walk. I met quite a few of my classmates in this linked course and I am hopeful that this opportunity will introduce me to new people of many backgrounds and interests. I hate networking, but the classroom is the perfect way to connect with people.
I ate in the medical center, which is ginormous, and then I went to the student activities fair and was subsequently overwhelmed by the monstrosity of clubs. All these clubs were crammed underneath this giant tent even though it was completely dry and sunny (did I mention that the weather here has been like creme brulee recently?). I only received a few club fliers, so I will be spending some time there tomorrow as well hopefully.
Later in the evening I received a free (yes, FREE) bbq from the Hillel and met several fellow Jews. I don't know if I felt a lot of inclusiveness at this group. Although I love being Jewish, Jews can be rather exclusive and it can be uncomfortable for me considering the rest of my identity. I might still go to a few services though if it all works out. In fact, I think I will, I find that God is powerful and building a connection with God is vital.
Finally I went to the Young Democrats meeting. Although I don't totally love the idea of linking myself to a specific party, I really want to help make a difference in my community. America needs to change, and it only takes me a single inspirational video from Obama or a random non-profit to remind me how important progressive change is for America. There is so little that can happen if the Republicans retake power, especially with this virulent strain of tea party hyper-conservatism engulfing America. Alas, I will do my best to make a difference in any way I can for the better of us all.
And now I am back at my dorm. I will have to do my homework tomorrow morning now that it's late, but that's okay. I think I will try this new thing out called getting a substantial amount of sleep and being awake for class. Good night.
"Backed Into the Corner" - Amy Stroup
Here was today's schedule:
Environmental Studies: Interdisciplinary Foundations (8:30am-9:20am)
Composition: Exposition (10:30am-11:20am)
Wildlife in the Modern World (11:30am-12:20pm)
My journey from the engineering building (my English class...) to the oceanography teaching building (my wildlife class...) is ridiculous for the time I receive, but since I'm in this thing called a FIG (freshman interest group), I get to be with twenty fellow students in these two classes for the walk. I met quite a few of my classmates in this linked course and I am hopeful that this opportunity will introduce me to new people of many backgrounds and interests. I hate networking, but the classroom is the perfect way to connect with people.
I ate in the medical center, which is ginormous, and then I went to the student activities fair and was subsequently overwhelmed by the monstrosity of clubs. All these clubs were crammed underneath this giant tent even though it was completely dry and sunny (did I mention that the weather here has been like creme brulee recently?). I only received a few club fliers, so I will be spending some time there tomorrow as well hopefully.
Later in the evening I received a free (yes, FREE) bbq from the Hillel and met several fellow Jews. I don't know if I felt a lot of inclusiveness at this group. Although I love being Jewish, Jews can be rather exclusive and it can be uncomfortable for me considering the rest of my identity. I might still go to a few services though if it all works out. In fact, I think I will, I find that God is powerful and building a connection with God is vital.
Finally I went to the Young Democrats meeting. Although I don't totally love the idea of linking myself to a specific party, I really want to help make a difference in my community. America needs to change, and it only takes me a single inspirational video from Obama or a random non-profit to remind me how important progressive change is for America. There is so little that can happen if the Republicans retake power, especially with this virulent strain of tea party hyper-conservatism engulfing America. Alas, I will do my best to make a difference in any way I can for the better of us all.
And now I am back at my dorm. I will have to do my homework tomorrow morning now that it's late, but that's okay. I think I will try this new thing out called getting a substantial amount of sleep and being awake for class. Good night.
"Backed Into the Corner" - Amy Stroup
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
After the Storm, the Beginning
Class is finally starting tomorrow after this five day period of moving in and all the excitement and festivity of Dawg Daze. Tomorrow is the official start of my time here at the University of Washington, and I am dreadfully thrilled. I have an English composition and exposition class, an environmental studies course, and a wildlife course tomorrow. Lots of beginnings, lots of lecture, and lots of information. But I am anticipating the best.
Still, life has been absurd here in the past five days. So much has happened. But now that fresh start I have been seeking for so long can truly begin. Even though I have been here for over a month through academic coursework and most recently through dormitory life, I have not really begun the true journey of this university.
It's weird here. Life now happens, like it really happens here. Life keeps going, it doesn't pause here for the events that I encounter. All the emotions I feel, my friends endure, all happen while this structure of class occurs.
I have seen good friends from high school. I have seen old friends from middle school. I have met new friends. I have felt alone. I have felt surrounded by love. In the span of these five days I feel that I have already grown incredibly.
This morning, I felt life going well. My cough has subsided. My depression is fading. I am slowly becoming more comfortable with my own skin. I feel like life is headed in a good direction.
"Focus" - Emma's Imagination
Still, life has been absurd here in the past five days. So much has happened. But now that fresh start I have been seeking for so long can truly begin. Even though I have been here for over a month through academic coursework and most recently through dormitory life, I have not really begun the true journey of this university.
It's weird here. Life now happens, like it really happens here. Life keeps going, it doesn't pause here for the events that I encounter. All the emotions I feel, my friends endure, all happen while this structure of class occurs.
I have seen good friends from high school. I have seen old friends from middle school. I have met new friends. I have felt alone. I have felt surrounded by love. In the span of these five days I feel that I have already grown incredibly.
This morning, I felt life going well. My cough has subsided. My depression is fading. I am slowly becoming more comfortable with my own skin. I feel like life is headed in a good direction.
"Focus" - Emma's Imagination
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Close One Door, Open Another
Tonight I finished packing all my necessary belongings for my dorm room. I had my last class at martial arts. I had my last home cooked meal. These parts of me have now been put away, and a whole new life is about to begin.
There are few times in life when we get to start fresh. Tomorrow is one of those rare opportunities. The only things I will carry with me to UW are myself, my friends, and my few belongings. I will no longer be identified by a certain list of activities, grades, or personalities. I have the freedom to determine who I want to be and live the way I seek.
This is my chance. It's not California. It's not New York City. This is Seattle, Washington. But no matter what place it is, this is my opportunity to really begin anew. No matter my preconceived notions I believe that tomorrow will be special; I am expecting the unexpected.
"The Winner Is" - from Little Miss Sunshine
There are few times in life when we get to start fresh. Tomorrow is one of those rare opportunities. The only things I will carry with me to UW are myself, my friends, and my few belongings. I will no longer be identified by a certain list of activities, grades, or personalities. I have the freedom to determine who I want to be and live the way I seek.
This is my chance. It's not California. It's not New York City. This is Seattle, Washington. But no matter what place it is, this is my opportunity to really begin anew. No matter my preconceived notions I believe that tomorrow will be special; I am expecting the unexpected.
"The Winner Is" - from Little Miss Sunshine
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Fin
Complete. Today was my final class of early fall start at UW, and I can say that this course really made a difference in my life. I learned so much about myself and I feel well prepared for these next four years. Perhaps these credits will be a hindrance in my goals for the honors program and a double major, but I believe that I can do anything. This course really helped me realize what I am passionate about, how I learn, and how I live. I realized that I really love politics, science, and debate. I realized that I am far more anxious than I first believed, that this anxiety is incredibly debilitating, and that I can actually deal with it. I realized that I am human. I realized that I need to listen. I realized that sleep can superbly improve my lifestyle. I realized how amazing this university really is. I realized how important physical health is to the rest of my being. I realized more of my fears by plunging myself directly outside my zones of comfort. I realized that being myself is crucial toward achieving my dreams. I realized that thinking outside the box and challenging my mind is much more fulfilling than accomplishing the mediocre. I realized that reality does not have to be miserable. I realized that life is full of possibility.
The past few years have been such a frustration for me. I guess the best way to picture the image in my mind is to see the silversword plant. These plants grow for five to twenty years and then bloom dramatically. However soon after they bloom they shrivel, die, and rot away upon the mountain slopes of Maui and Hawai'i.
Likewise I found myself growing, flourishing in my childhood. I loved being a kid. I was so carefree and I was insulated from the pains of reality. Suffering never touched its cruel hand on my innocence, yet I bloomed because of my awareness of reality. I knew so much about this world when I was a young adolescent. I could name all these places like clockwork. What's the capital of Antigua and Barbuda? St. John's, duh. I excelled in school and that was the only world that mattered.
Eventually I peaked. I had my bar mitzvah, impressing all those who I sough approval from, my family, clergy, and friends. I was on television for my passion and my brief foray into fame intoxicated me with arrogance and insecurity. I never could feel confident of myself after failing to win the state geography bee the following year. I started to veer off my protected, straight, focused path as I began to realize that perhaps I am not that special.
And when the glory of my television debut wore off, I had nothing left. I know what it is like to be a celebrity. You believe that everyone loves you because they want to be your friend, have your autograph, meet you. People admire fame. I definitely have been one of those people for most of my life and I still struggle with the whole idea of being happy without recognition. I have always needed someone to prove that I should be satisfied with my life whether through the affirmation of my friends or a high grade in a course. After my early bloom I began to falter even more as freshman year convened. I received my first imperfect grade. I received my first chaotic foray into romance. I began to question myself and lose faith in myself. Each year life seemed to get worse. I sought excuses. I blamed the dreary skies and my family. I hated myself so much because I did not understand all these crazy feeling I felt. I wanted love. I wanted caring. I didn't know any way to earn that without showing off. I didn't know any way to be loved without a television camera or a newspaper article. I didn't really understand what love was.
I kept doing it. I kept trying to find love through superficial means. I thought I could find friends by trying to fit in with the high achieving crowd. I realize know that I didn't need to prove I was smart enough to be friends with these people. Luckily I managed to make friends who were so much wiser, friends who didn't strive to live this world of perfect duty.
Life was once so simple. You keep growing and growing and you blossom. But how are you supposed to grow again? I only have relocated a few feet away from my originally spot, but I will be moving to new soil, fresh ground, a place where I can thrive. If I sink my roots into this magical college making the most out of this extraordinary experience I can blossom again.
But this time I won't be an annual, I will be a perennial. I will not blossom and die. I will blossom and keep blossoming.
In this new year of 5771, I believe that I will take a new look at life.
5770 had these goals: harmony, spontaneity, understanding, rapport, purpose, and progress
I think that 5771 will have new goals.
Love love. love. love. this is such a meaningful word, but it is so important to me. With love we can truly care about people. With love for our friends we can build beautiful relationships. I hope to find that one true love and to allow love to enter my heart. I want to also love myself. I want to be able to love who I am in all its entirety. Love makes us human.
Passion the one characteristic of people that really benefits you in anything. Passion can spark so much in people and I have a passion that needs to be vitalized. Passion is the most important part of life. Passion leads to love. Passion leads to success. Passion is about the heart. With passion we can do anything and be anyone.
Exploration with a free mind and an open heart I can grow empathy and live a life full of wonder. There is so much out in this world that only requires some exploration. With open-mindedness we become better people, more aware of this brilliant universe that God created.
Balance this is similar to harmony. I still believe that balance and harmony are so important to every human. We all need to maintain a sense of moderation to really be good human beings. We cannot be too much of anything without becoming incensed. Balance is necessary for survival.
Joy not just happiness, but pure and wonderful joy. I believe I have discovered contentment. I have recovered so dramatically by coming to terms with my identity and my life challenges. I believe there is so much happiness out in this world and through laughter, hope, and true, amazing joy we can remind ourselves of the glory of this planet.
Trust this is the final piece of my puzzle, I think, for this year. Trust is about having faith in family, friends, myself, and God. I need to trust my loved ones and believe in them. With trust you can build stronger relationships. With trust in myself and God's plan for me I know that all will be well and is well-meant. Trust and faith are the key toward happiness.
With these new goals I am not setting my life up for a certain image necessarily. These are broad words with many meanings, but I am not calling for achievement. I am calling for happiness. And instead of demanding my life's progress I will allow life to lead the way. I am here and I believe that all will be well. This new mindset is about letting go of the past, accepting the present, and thriving in the future.
"For the First Time" - The Script
A song of hardship and hope.
The past few years have been such a frustration for me. I guess the best way to picture the image in my mind is to see the silversword plant. These plants grow for five to twenty years and then bloom dramatically. However soon after they bloom they shrivel, die, and rot away upon the mountain slopes of Maui and Hawai'i.
Likewise I found myself growing, flourishing in my childhood. I loved being a kid. I was so carefree and I was insulated from the pains of reality. Suffering never touched its cruel hand on my innocence, yet I bloomed because of my awareness of reality. I knew so much about this world when I was a young adolescent. I could name all these places like clockwork. What's the capital of Antigua and Barbuda? St. John's, duh. I excelled in school and that was the only world that mattered.
Eventually I peaked. I had my bar mitzvah, impressing all those who I sough approval from, my family, clergy, and friends. I was on television for my passion and my brief foray into fame intoxicated me with arrogance and insecurity. I never could feel confident of myself after failing to win the state geography bee the following year. I started to veer off my protected, straight, focused path as I began to realize that perhaps I am not that special.
And when the glory of my television debut wore off, I had nothing left. I know what it is like to be a celebrity. You believe that everyone loves you because they want to be your friend, have your autograph, meet you. People admire fame. I definitely have been one of those people for most of my life and I still struggle with the whole idea of being happy without recognition. I have always needed someone to prove that I should be satisfied with my life whether through the affirmation of my friends or a high grade in a course. After my early bloom I began to falter even more as freshman year convened. I received my first imperfect grade. I received my first chaotic foray into romance. I began to question myself and lose faith in myself. Each year life seemed to get worse. I sought excuses. I blamed the dreary skies and my family. I hated myself so much because I did not understand all these crazy feeling I felt. I wanted love. I wanted caring. I didn't know any way to earn that without showing off. I didn't know any way to be loved without a television camera or a newspaper article. I didn't really understand what love was.
I kept doing it. I kept trying to find love through superficial means. I thought I could find friends by trying to fit in with the high achieving crowd. I realize know that I didn't need to prove I was smart enough to be friends with these people. Luckily I managed to make friends who were so much wiser, friends who didn't strive to live this world of perfect duty.
Life was once so simple. You keep growing and growing and you blossom. But how are you supposed to grow again? I only have relocated a few feet away from my originally spot, but I will be moving to new soil, fresh ground, a place where I can thrive. If I sink my roots into this magical college making the most out of this extraordinary experience I can blossom again.
But this time I won't be an annual, I will be a perennial. I will not blossom and die. I will blossom and keep blossoming.
In this new year of 5771, I believe that I will take a new look at life.
5770 had these goals: harmony, spontaneity, understanding, rapport, purpose, and progress
I think that 5771 will have new goals.
Love love. love. love. this is such a meaningful word, but it is so important to me. With love we can truly care about people. With love for our friends we can build beautiful relationships. I hope to find that one true love and to allow love to enter my heart. I want to also love myself. I want to be able to love who I am in all its entirety. Love makes us human.
Passion the one characteristic of people that really benefits you in anything. Passion can spark so much in people and I have a passion that needs to be vitalized. Passion is the most important part of life. Passion leads to love. Passion leads to success. Passion is about the heart. With passion we can do anything and be anyone.
Exploration with a free mind and an open heart I can grow empathy and live a life full of wonder. There is so much out in this world that only requires some exploration. With open-mindedness we become better people, more aware of this brilliant universe that God created.
Balance this is similar to harmony. I still believe that balance and harmony are so important to every human. We all need to maintain a sense of moderation to really be good human beings. We cannot be too much of anything without becoming incensed. Balance is necessary for survival.
Joy not just happiness, but pure and wonderful joy. I believe I have discovered contentment. I have recovered so dramatically by coming to terms with my identity and my life challenges. I believe there is so much happiness out in this world and through laughter, hope, and true, amazing joy we can remind ourselves of the glory of this planet.
Trust this is the final piece of my puzzle, I think, for this year. Trust is about having faith in family, friends, myself, and God. I need to trust my loved ones and believe in them. With trust you can build stronger relationships. With trust in myself and God's plan for me I know that all will be well and is well-meant. Trust and faith are the key toward happiness.
With these new goals I am not setting my life up for a certain image necessarily. These are broad words with many meanings, but I am not calling for achievement. I am calling for happiness. And instead of demanding my life's progress I will allow life to lead the way. I am here and I believe that all will be well. This new mindset is about letting go of the past, accepting the present, and thriving in the future.
"For the First Time" - The Script
A song of hardship and hope.
Friday, September 10, 2010
False Self-Confidence
Today I tried to figure out why I do things the way I do. I realized that I basically have some very simple repetitive patterns that lead to my high anxiety and stress, along with my success in some ways.
I am driven by a need for approval. I need to be given a stamp of approval from my teachers, parents, peers, friends, etc. in order to feel content with myself. This has basically led to all my problems with myself and my low self-confidence.
At the same time this desire for approval helped me succeed. It enabled me to attain my high grades, get into colleges I sought, and fulfill certain goals. I needed some sort of proof from people I trust to feel like I was worthwhile.
My teachers needed to give me positive feedback if I wanted to be happy; I would actually cry during most of high school anytime a teacher gave me the slightest negative comment, even something silly like the format of a paper or telling me to stop talking too much.
In terms of friends, I always felt like I either was approved by people who knew me in middle school and understood my success without me having to explain, or I had to seek approval by proving my intelligence and ability to my friends. I would try desperately to fit in with certain friends by taking rigorous coursework, aiming for high-ranking collegiate institutions, and doing activities that would show them that I was just like them, neurotic grade-obsessed stressed out students.
I even became class president in a way fulfilling the ultimate conformist dream, approval from peers. Yet I knew something was wrong the entire time. I couldn't make everyone happy. I couldn't force it. I couldn't be desperate and cry hoping that they would change their opinions. I couldn't ask them to lower their expectations. I became engulfed in the stress and pressure to fulfill my class' expectations, or rather my expectations of what they sought. Only afterward did I realize that nobody really cared that much, and all they wanted was for me to get stuff done. I spent so much time worried about what they thought that I not only ended up miserable but I also failed to really achieve the goals I set out.
This desire to seek approval from everyone has worked in some ways, but often applying more pressure to myself only overwhelmed me. My immediate reaction has always been to seek an escape. Usually I would cry to my parents and say something highly self-critical or frightening to incite pity upon me. Towards my friends I would complain about all my stress in hope that they would sympathize with my situation. With teachers I would go after school to complain about my grades hoping they would change my mark of approval.
This has dramatically affected my life in so many ways, often horrifying. I am truly mean to some of my closest friends. I almost subconsciously assume this holier-than-thou attitude towards my friends, often telling them what to do as if I know what is best. It seems genuine and kind, but it is driven by this evil of conceitedness. My friends have been so accepting as to still deal with this annoying habit of mine without cutting me away from the bond of friendship.
To achieve my goals I always have tried harder to get things. If one way didn't work I just became more desperate, ratcheted up my stress level, and tried again. And then I would repeat. Sometimes I failed, but rarely. If you live a mindset in which you are desperate for approval you actually manage to stop caring about what people think sometimes. You become so desperate that you do things that will hurt you in the long-run but will benefit you in the short-term.
I think I have lost friends through my hostility and self-pity. I have destroyed a sense of who I am. I really hate myself because I wasn't able to achieve all these goals I set out to accomplish. But for once I am trying this new thing: being confident with who I am. I am able to finally accept myself for who I am. This summer I opened up the gates of love that I have denied for years. This early fall start I began to open up my eyes to different ways of learning that don't depend on stress and approval for motivation. I realized that the only person in many ways who determines my self-confidence and happiness is me. I don't need someone to give me an A, positive feedback, a vote, an offering, a friendship, anything to be happy. I need to be happy with who I am to be happy.
I wish this was the simple answer to everything, but it isn't entirely. This whole path is complex. But I think I am going to stop trying to look at everyone else paths so much and start focusing on my own path for a while. I think it's still important to pay attention to people around you, but it's stupid to try to follow the footsteps of all the people who matter in your life. You have to do what matters to you. You have to live the life you want to and are meant to live. You have to recognize that some people live different paths, and even if the grass seems greener on the others side, you have a path that is meant for you, nobody else. Likewise nobody else's path is yours.
I am going to "try" to change. I'm not going to force myself to change. I think I am going to attempt a gentle process. I am going to remind myself to look after my mistakes. I am going to write down the stuff in my life so I can figure out who I am. I am going to just accept what happens in life and go with it. I am going to watch what I say and start thinking about my actions more effectively. But I am going to stop thinking when it becomes too much. Basically I am changing my mindset on life, and that will take incredibly amounts of effort and time. But it is so worth it to be happy.
"Radioactive" - Kings of Leon
I am driven by a need for approval. I need to be given a stamp of approval from my teachers, parents, peers, friends, etc. in order to feel content with myself. This has basically led to all my problems with myself and my low self-confidence.
At the same time this desire for approval helped me succeed. It enabled me to attain my high grades, get into colleges I sought, and fulfill certain goals. I needed some sort of proof from people I trust to feel like I was worthwhile.
My teachers needed to give me positive feedback if I wanted to be happy; I would actually cry during most of high school anytime a teacher gave me the slightest negative comment, even something silly like the format of a paper or telling me to stop talking too much.
In terms of friends, I always felt like I either was approved by people who knew me in middle school and understood my success without me having to explain, or I had to seek approval by proving my intelligence and ability to my friends. I would try desperately to fit in with certain friends by taking rigorous coursework, aiming for high-ranking collegiate institutions, and doing activities that would show them that I was just like them, neurotic grade-obsessed stressed out students.
I even became class president in a way fulfilling the ultimate conformist dream, approval from peers. Yet I knew something was wrong the entire time. I couldn't make everyone happy. I couldn't force it. I couldn't be desperate and cry hoping that they would change their opinions. I couldn't ask them to lower their expectations. I became engulfed in the stress and pressure to fulfill my class' expectations, or rather my expectations of what they sought. Only afterward did I realize that nobody really cared that much, and all they wanted was for me to get stuff done. I spent so much time worried about what they thought that I not only ended up miserable but I also failed to really achieve the goals I set out.
This desire to seek approval from everyone has worked in some ways, but often applying more pressure to myself only overwhelmed me. My immediate reaction has always been to seek an escape. Usually I would cry to my parents and say something highly self-critical or frightening to incite pity upon me. Towards my friends I would complain about all my stress in hope that they would sympathize with my situation. With teachers I would go after school to complain about my grades hoping they would change my mark of approval.
This has dramatically affected my life in so many ways, often horrifying. I am truly mean to some of my closest friends. I almost subconsciously assume this holier-than-thou attitude towards my friends, often telling them what to do as if I know what is best. It seems genuine and kind, but it is driven by this evil of conceitedness. My friends have been so accepting as to still deal with this annoying habit of mine without cutting me away from the bond of friendship.
To achieve my goals I always have tried harder to get things. If one way didn't work I just became more desperate, ratcheted up my stress level, and tried again. And then I would repeat. Sometimes I failed, but rarely. If you live a mindset in which you are desperate for approval you actually manage to stop caring about what people think sometimes. You become so desperate that you do things that will hurt you in the long-run but will benefit you in the short-term.
I think I have lost friends through my hostility and self-pity. I have destroyed a sense of who I am. I really hate myself because I wasn't able to achieve all these goals I set out to accomplish. But for once I am trying this new thing: being confident with who I am. I am able to finally accept myself for who I am. This summer I opened up the gates of love that I have denied for years. This early fall start I began to open up my eyes to different ways of learning that don't depend on stress and approval for motivation. I realized that the only person in many ways who determines my self-confidence and happiness is me. I don't need someone to give me an A, positive feedback, a vote, an offering, a friendship, anything to be happy. I need to be happy with who I am to be happy.
I wish this was the simple answer to everything, but it isn't entirely. This whole path is complex. But I think I am going to stop trying to look at everyone else paths so much and start focusing on my own path for a while. I think it's still important to pay attention to people around you, but it's stupid to try to follow the footsteps of all the people who matter in your life. You have to do what matters to you. You have to live the life you want to and are meant to live. You have to recognize that some people live different paths, and even if the grass seems greener on the others side, you have a path that is meant for you, nobody else. Likewise nobody else's path is yours.
I am going to "try" to change. I'm not going to force myself to change. I think I am going to attempt a gentle process. I am going to remind myself to look after my mistakes. I am going to write down the stuff in my life so I can figure out who I am. I am going to just accept what happens in life and go with it. I am going to watch what I say and start thinking about my actions more effectively. But I am going to stop thinking when it becomes too much. Basically I am changing my mindset on life, and that will take incredibly amounts of effort and time. But it is so worth it to be happy.
"Radioactive" - Kings of Leon
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
5771
l'shanah tovah. It's now 5771, a new year. This is the most important new year in my opinion. It is the time when I can declare my sins to God and seek atonement for my wrongdoing. It is a period of ten days in which I can reflect on my life and really figure out who I am, who I want to be, what I want out of life.
I took a look at my blog back in September of 2009. Boy, I have changed. My whole life was about meeting certain dreams a year ago. This was me:
BERKELEY
CALIFORNIA
SAT
ACT
NATIONAL MERIT
GEOGRAPHY BEE
KUMON
GRADES
My whole life, everything revolved around success, accomplishment, achievement. I look back at my life and realize why I am such a boring person today. I have few hobbies because I have devoted so much of my life to achievement. Sadly I never seemed to attain all these goals I sought. Yet I am happy I failed. If I had kept doing well on that path I would stay on it. Now I am trying something different.
My rabbi's dvar was very interesting today. He told a story of a boy who broke the rules by wearing the tallit and playing the shofar to free the wandering spirits of the dead after a dream. The point was that the boy cared more about faith than the set rules of Judaism. He took a special moment and did his part to make a difference. We all have special moments of challenge in our lives. We are faced with situations and choices. We can choose to take action. Or not.
The point is that sometimes we need to take those leaps of faith. Often they disappoint us. I took too much of a leap with Berkeley perhaps. But you still have to believe fully in your dreams. Look at Anne Frank for example. She said in her book that "Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart." Yet she died. Nevertheless we have to believe in the best possibilities or we end up dying on the inside.
I have some new goals.
- take up "special moments of challenge"
- perform random acts of kindness
- get to know people better
- restore old or faded friendships
- give better hugs
- believe in something
You know what, I don't need 24hr sunshine or a new place to find a new me. I am going to be the person I want to be because I am going to believe in myself. I am going to have faith in who I am. I can do this for once because I am finally being honest with myself. I can do this because I am freed from the chains of my cycle of broken dreams. My path is now uncharted.
"Uncharted" - Sara Bareilles
I took a look at my blog back in September of 2009. Boy, I have changed. My whole life was about meeting certain dreams a year ago. This was me:
BERKELEY
CALIFORNIA
SAT
ACT
NATIONAL MERIT
GEOGRAPHY BEE
KUMON
GRADES
My whole life, everything revolved around success, accomplishment, achievement. I look back at my life and realize why I am such a boring person today. I have few hobbies because I have devoted so much of my life to achievement. Sadly I never seemed to attain all these goals I sought. Yet I am happy I failed. If I had kept doing well on that path I would stay on it. Now I am trying something different.
My rabbi's dvar was very interesting today. He told a story of a boy who broke the rules by wearing the tallit and playing the shofar to free the wandering spirits of the dead after a dream. The point was that the boy cared more about faith than the set rules of Judaism. He took a special moment and did his part to make a difference. We all have special moments of challenge in our lives. We are faced with situations and choices. We can choose to take action. Or not.
The point is that sometimes we need to take those leaps of faith. Often they disappoint us. I took too much of a leap with Berkeley perhaps. But you still have to believe fully in your dreams. Look at Anne Frank for example. She said in her book that "Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart." Yet she died. Nevertheless we have to believe in the best possibilities or we end up dying on the inside.
I have some new goals.
- take up "special moments of challenge"
- perform random acts of kindness
- get to know people better
- restore old or faded friendships
- give better hugs
- believe in something
You know what, I don't need 24hr sunshine or a new place to find a new me. I am going to be the person I want to be because I am going to believe in myself. I am going to have faith in who I am. I can do this for once because I am finally being honest with myself. I can do this because I am freed from the chains of my cycle of broken dreams. My path is now uncharted.
"Uncharted" - Sara Bareilles
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Atonement
I watched Atonement the film today, finally after an entire year waiting for it to arrive from Netflix (it took awhile for it to get from the bottom to the top of the queue). It was a stunning film, rocking my emotions and making me shiver at times. The whole premise of the story is the idea of atonement.
Atonement is essentially forgiveness, but because we cannot be unconditionally forgiven by anyone (except God for some people), atonement is the best we can receive. It is a sense of acceptance of ones wrongdoing and finding some closure, a point of clarity. Briony Tallis never really finds atonement in really life, but her novel is her way to seek atonement.
This morning the police awoke me and surprised me with the news that my car had been broken into. I was in utter shock. Luckily there was little stolen except various papers, sunglasses, and some pens. They actually left all my CDs, and I guess I was lucky to have left my car unlocked by accident because they didn't cause any damage to my car itself. Unfortunately my neighbor's car was stolen in the incident, and in the end I am just freaked out a little by this whole fiasco.
Nevertheless I hope the thief will seek some atonement and return the stuff he stole. I am no criminal, but I have done many wrongs in my life. Many of the wrongs relate directly to the way I treat myself, my habits, and my self-hatred. I looked at a list of dreams I wrote two years ago. I realized how different my life is. I was saddened. I hope that I can forgive myself for failing to reach most of my goals, in fact often I am farther from my goals than I was two years ago. Some of the goals I don't care about any longer due to their inherent specificity or immaturity, but most of the goals are real and still part of who I want to be.
Today I realized just how much my life had deteriorated in the past two years, and it will take a lot of hard work to return back to the position I seek. I am playing catch up here, but the first step toward realizing my dreams is to forgive myself for failing in the past. I need to grant myself some atonement.
"All You Wanted" - Michelle Branch
old music :P
Atonement is essentially forgiveness, but because we cannot be unconditionally forgiven by anyone (except God for some people), atonement is the best we can receive. It is a sense of acceptance of ones wrongdoing and finding some closure, a point of clarity. Briony Tallis never really finds atonement in really life, but her novel is her way to seek atonement.
This morning the police awoke me and surprised me with the news that my car had been broken into. I was in utter shock. Luckily there was little stolen except various papers, sunglasses, and some pens. They actually left all my CDs, and I guess I was lucky to have left my car unlocked by accident because they didn't cause any damage to my car itself. Unfortunately my neighbor's car was stolen in the incident, and in the end I am just freaked out a little by this whole fiasco.
Nevertheless I hope the thief will seek some atonement and return the stuff he stole. I am no criminal, but I have done many wrongs in my life. Many of the wrongs relate directly to the way I treat myself, my habits, and my self-hatred. I looked at a list of dreams I wrote two years ago. I realized how different my life is. I was saddened. I hope that I can forgive myself for failing to reach most of my goals, in fact often I am farther from my goals than I was two years ago. Some of the goals I don't care about any longer due to their inherent specificity or immaturity, but most of the goals are real and still part of who I want to be.
Today I realized just how much my life had deteriorated in the past two years, and it will take a lot of hard work to return back to the position I seek. I am playing catch up here, but the first step toward realizing my dreams is to forgive myself for failing in the past. I need to grant myself some atonement.
"All You Wanted" - Michelle Branch
old music :P
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Self-Confidence through Humiliation
I had one of those days again. I was stressed I guess, or at least according to everyone in my seminar. Yet I think I had a breakthrough. I realized as I got flustered unsure about my topic for my essay on China and global warming that I was merely freaking out and not fulfilling anything out of it. Perhaps my wording came across as more stressed than I actually was, but I have this tendency to become really flustered if I don't have a strict set of rules or direction. I rarely take risks and often I brake hard rather than see if I can withstand the force of impact. But all the tread has worn off and now I need new tires. Suddenly as I turned red I realized that the key to success would not be more questions, queries, stresses, complaints, or laments, rather the way for me to achieve my goals was to stop thinking. I think a lot. I love to think. I need to just focus my thinking on what needs to be done at the time I need to do it.
So after my fit of frustration and stress I sat down and read materials, engorging myself in articles and policy papers. I found so much information, and I felt exhausted after finding about fifteen articles and reading the Chinese White Paper policy on climate change. I still have so much research to do, but I was amazed at the amount and depth of learning I was able to capture. I realized that I cannot be so stubborn. I have to open myself up to other people's ideas. I have to take a backseat sometimes. I cannot lead if I am lost. I cannot pretend to find a direction when I cannot walk. The point is that I have spent my whole life needing to know exactly what to do, where to go, how to get there. Now I am realizing that the real feats of life are those times when you get lost and figure out how to find your way. I don't like it one bit; this confusion makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but this is part of college, learning about myself, learning how to adapt, learning how to be a thinker, a learner, a leader.
I feel like a baby here at college. The level of learning is unprecedented in my life. I love it. I love getting lost on the library's database. I love how I can go on a trip with the dorm to the Seattle Art Museum and just get lost in the city. I think the whole point of freshman year is exploration. The premise is that you can get lost and with the help of all these new people, new teachers, and new ideas, you can discover your path.
I received an e-mail from a professor from a class in my autumn quarter. It suddenly came to my attention that this class will be much more difficult than I first assumed. Nevertheless I am incredibly excited for this opportunity. I get to participate in so many activities and really immerse myself in the most urgent environmental priorities.
I knew that UW would work out. I just needed to get here. If only I could move in sooner! I'm already overwhelmed with the workload, but I LOVE it. I was so exhausted from homework last year, but for the first time in so long I am being forced to really think (and I'm not depressed while trying to do so).
Life is going swell. I am actually facing my fears. I am actually defeating my obstacles. I am incredibly proud of myself in an odd way despite all the embarrassment I feel. Somehow the UW has improved my self-confidence through humiliation.
"Katy on a Mission" - Katy B
So after my fit of frustration and stress I sat down and read materials, engorging myself in articles and policy papers. I found so much information, and I felt exhausted after finding about fifteen articles and reading the Chinese White Paper policy on climate change. I still have so much research to do, but I was amazed at the amount and depth of learning I was able to capture. I realized that I cannot be so stubborn. I have to open myself up to other people's ideas. I have to take a backseat sometimes. I cannot lead if I am lost. I cannot pretend to find a direction when I cannot walk. The point is that I have spent my whole life needing to know exactly what to do, where to go, how to get there. Now I am realizing that the real feats of life are those times when you get lost and figure out how to find your way. I don't like it one bit; this confusion makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but this is part of college, learning about myself, learning how to adapt, learning how to be a thinker, a learner, a leader.
I feel like a baby here at college. The level of learning is unprecedented in my life. I love it. I love getting lost on the library's database. I love how I can go on a trip with the dorm to the Seattle Art Museum and just get lost in the city. I think the whole point of freshman year is exploration. The premise is that you can get lost and with the help of all these new people, new teachers, and new ideas, you can discover your path.
I received an e-mail from a professor from a class in my autumn quarter. It suddenly came to my attention that this class will be much more difficult than I first assumed. Nevertheless I am incredibly excited for this opportunity. I get to participate in so many activities and really immerse myself in the most urgent environmental priorities.
I knew that UW would work out. I just needed to get here. If only I could move in sooner! I'm already overwhelmed with the workload, but I LOVE it. I was so exhausted from homework last year, but for the first time in so long I am being forced to really think (and I'm not depressed while trying to do so).
Life is going swell. I am actually facing my fears. I am actually defeating my obstacles. I am incredibly proud of myself in an odd way despite all the embarrassment I feel. Somehow the UW has improved my self-confidence through humiliation.
"Katy on a Mission" - Katy B
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
60 Miles of Books
I am loving my time here at UW. I keep surprising myself with how much I am enjoying it. At times it is a little stressful being so independent and having to seek out opportunities, yet at the same time I am really growing out of my shell.
Today in class we split into small groups and I was completely embarrassed by myself. My fellow classmates mentioned that I was stressed out, and I just started laughing rather hysterically in front of everyone. It was incredibly awkward and I don't even know why I reacted in such a weird way. The room was silent and everyone stared at me as I started to turn red. Although I was chagrined, I also felt I was able to realize something so intrinsic in my behavior. I have a particular habit of worrying, and I need to be more aware of how I exhibit my anxiety. The best way to tackle the problem of my stressful nature is to reduce the stress itself. I am very glad that I have met friends who are actually willing to tell me the straight truth, and for once I feel like I can progress in life.
I have a whole plan to reduce my stress load. It is simple.
-Aim to complete designated daily tasks (hw, chores, etc.)
-Get at least 7 hours of sleep
-Exercise 4 days of the week
-Meditate each morning
-Eat well
There are plenty of other suggestions and ideas; in the long-term I would like to find a hobby and once I am more settled in school a club. I want to devote time to simply sitting outside or exploring the city. I hope to relax with friends each day. My hope is that with these simple life changes and my new mindset of hope, optimism, and serendipity, I can reduce my stress and really find happiness and harmony. However I need to start with this simple plan.
Meanwhile, I did my fair share of exploration today. I went to the library during class and I discovered just how large the library at the university is. There are literally 60 miles of books in the UW library system! If you lined those up from Seattle those would go all the way to Olympia; quite impressive if I say so myself. There are so many resources at your fingertips and they are truly of great quality here. Not to mention that the Seattle Public Library is probably one of the best systems in the country; I really need to get that library card. I love that feeling of checking out a huge pile of books and carrying it around so full in your arms that you feel like you are exploding with literature.
After my excursion in the library, I headed to the dorm to eat lunch with friends and then had a pleasant session of "Food with Faculty." I got to meet a professor of dance and the cultural history behind it as well as my RA for this year. I really was encouraged by the friendliness of all these people. More students sat down with us, from places like Yakima, Albuquerque, and Las Vegas. The diversity of the student body here really impresses me and reminds me that everything I want can be found right here at UW. No matter how close to the valley of Issaquah it feels in maybe the weather it is so dramatically different in its culture, dynamism, and atmosphere. It feels so much more real, so much more alive, as if all the bricks have a story to tell just like the thousands of voices from this fantastically diverse set of students. I am really inspired here; I am amazed.
"Alors on danse" - Stromae
Rwandan-Belgian guy with really cool bow-ties. Life is perfect :)
Today in class we split into small groups and I was completely embarrassed by myself. My fellow classmates mentioned that I was stressed out, and I just started laughing rather hysterically in front of everyone. It was incredibly awkward and I don't even know why I reacted in such a weird way. The room was silent and everyone stared at me as I started to turn red. Although I was chagrined, I also felt I was able to realize something so intrinsic in my behavior. I have a particular habit of worrying, and I need to be more aware of how I exhibit my anxiety. The best way to tackle the problem of my stressful nature is to reduce the stress itself. I am very glad that I have met friends who are actually willing to tell me the straight truth, and for once I feel like I can progress in life.
I have a whole plan to reduce my stress load. It is simple.
-Aim to complete designated daily tasks (hw, chores, etc.)
-Get at least 7 hours of sleep
-Exercise 4 days of the week
-Meditate each morning
-Eat well
There are plenty of other suggestions and ideas; in the long-term I would like to find a hobby and once I am more settled in school a club. I want to devote time to simply sitting outside or exploring the city. I hope to relax with friends each day. My hope is that with these simple life changes and my new mindset of hope, optimism, and serendipity, I can reduce my stress and really find happiness and harmony. However I need to start with this simple plan.
Meanwhile, I did my fair share of exploration today. I went to the library during class and I discovered just how large the library at the university is. There are literally 60 miles of books in the UW library system! If you lined those up from Seattle those would go all the way to Olympia; quite impressive if I say so myself. There are so many resources at your fingertips and they are truly of great quality here. Not to mention that the Seattle Public Library is probably one of the best systems in the country; I really need to get that library card. I love that feeling of checking out a huge pile of books and carrying it around so full in your arms that you feel like you are exploding with literature.
After my excursion in the library, I headed to the dorm to eat lunch with friends and then had a pleasant session of "Food with Faculty." I got to meet a professor of dance and the cultural history behind it as well as my RA for this year. I really was encouraged by the friendliness of all these people. More students sat down with us, from places like Yakima, Albuquerque, and Las Vegas. The diversity of the student body here really impresses me and reminds me that everything I want can be found right here at UW. No matter how close to the valley of Issaquah it feels in maybe the weather it is so dramatically different in its culture, dynamism, and atmosphere. It feels so much more real, so much more alive, as if all the bricks have a story to tell just like the thousands of voices from this fantastically diverse set of students. I am really inspired here; I am amazed.
"Alors on danse" - Stromae
Rwandan-Belgian guy with really cool bow-ties. Life is perfect :)
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