Self-Confidence through Humiliation

I had one of those days again. I was stressed I guess, or at least according to everyone in my seminar. Yet I think I had a breakthrough. I realized as I got flustered unsure about my topic for my essay on China and global warming that I was merely freaking out and not fulfilling anything out of it. Perhaps my wording came across as more stressed than I actually was, but I have this tendency to become really flustered if I don't have a strict set of rules or direction. I rarely take risks and often I brake hard rather than see if I can withstand the force of impact. But all the tread has worn off and now I need new tires. Suddenly as I turned red I realized that the key to success would not be more questions, queries, stresses, complaints, or laments, rather the way for me to achieve my goals was to stop thinking. I think a lot. I love to think. I need to just focus my thinking on what needs to be done at the time I need to do it.

So after my fit of frustration and stress I sat down and read materials, engorging myself in articles and policy papers. I found so much information, and I felt exhausted after finding about fifteen articles and reading the Chinese White Paper policy on climate change. I still have so much research to do, but I was amazed at the amount and depth of learning I was able to capture. I realized that I cannot be so stubborn. I have to open myself up to other people's ideas. I have to take a backseat sometimes. I cannot lead if I am lost. I cannot pretend to find a direction when I cannot walk. The point is that I have spent my whole life needing to know exactly what to do, where to go, how to get there. Now I am realizing that the real feats of life are those times when you get lost and figure out how to find your way. I don't like it one bit; this confusion makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but this is part of college, learning about myself, learning how to adapt, learning how to be a thinker, a learner, a leader.

I feel like a baby here at college. The level of learning is unprecedented in my life. I love it. I love getting lost on the library's database. I love how I can go on a trip with the dorm to the Seattle Art Museum and just get lost in the city. I think the whole point of freshman year is exploration. The premise is that you can get lost and with the help of all these new people, new teachers, and new ideas, you can discover your path.

I received an e-mail from a professor from a class in my autumn quarter. It suddenly came to my attention that this class will be much more difficult than I first assumed. Nevertheless I am incredibly excited for this opportunity. I get to participate in so many activities and really immerse myself in the most urgent environmental priorities.

I knew that UW would work out. I just needed to get here. If only I could move in sooner! I'm already overwhelmed with the workload, but I LOVE it. I was so exhausted from homework last year, but for the first time in so long I am being forced to really think (and I'm not depressed while trying to do so).

Life is going swell. I am actually facing my fears. I am actually defeating my obstacles. I am incredibly proud of myself in an odd way despite all the embarrassment I feel. Somehow the UW has improved my self-confidence through humiliation.

"Katy on a Mission" - Katy B