False Self-Confidence

Today I tried to figure out why I do things the way I do. I realized that I basically have some very simple repetitive patterns that lead to my high anxiety and stress, along with my success in some ways.

I am driven by a need for approval. I need to be given a stamp of approval from my teachers, parents, peers, friends, etc. in order to feel content with myself. This has basically led to all my problems with myself and my low self-confidence.
At the same time this desire for approval helped me succeed. It enabled me to attain my high grades, get into colleges I sought, and fulfill certain goals. I needed some sort of proof from people I trust to feel like I was worthwhile.

My teachers needed to give me positive feedback if I wanted to be happy; I would actually cry during most of high school anytime a teacher gave me the slightest negative comment, even something silly like the format of a paper or telling me to stop talking too much.

In terms of friends, I always felt like I either was approved by people who knew me in middle school and understood my success without me having to explain, or I had to seek approval by proving my intelligence and ability to my friends. I would try desperately to fit in with certain friends by taking rigorous coursework, aiming for high-ranking collegiate institutions, and doing activities that would show them that I was just like them, neurotic grade-obsessed stressed out students.

I even became class president in a way fulfilling the ultimate conformist dream, approval from peers. Yet I knew something was wrong the entire time. I couldn't make everyone happy. I couldn't force it. I couldn't be desperate and cry hoping that they would change their opinions. I couldn't ask them to lower their expectations. I became engulfed in the stress and pressure to fulfill my class' expectations, or rather my expectations of what they sought. Only afterward did I realize that nobody really cared that much, and all they wanted was for me to get stuff done. I spent so much time worried about what they thought that I not only ended up miserable but I also failed to really achieve the goals I set out.

This desire to seek approval from everyone has worked in some ways, but often applying more pressure to myself only overwhelmed me. My immediate reaction has always been to seek an escape. Usually I would cry to my parents and say something highly self-critical or frightening to incite pity upon me. Towards my friends I would complain about all my stress in hope that they would sympathize with my situation. With teachers I would go after school to complain about my grades hoping they would change my mark of approval.

This has dramatically affected my life in so many ways, often horrifying. I am truly mean to some of my closest friends. I almost subconsciously assume this holier-than-thou attitude towards my friends, often telling them what to do as if I know what is best. It seems genuine and kind, but it is driven by this evil of conceitedness. My friends have been so accepting as to still deal with this annoying habit of mine without cutting me away from the bond of friendship.

To achieve my goals I always have tried harder to get things. If one way didn't work I just became more desperate, ratcheted up my stress level, and tried again. And then I would repeat. Sometimes I failed, but rarely. If you live a mindset in which you are desperate for approval you actually manage to stop caring about what people think sometimes. You become so desperate that you do things that will hurt you in the long-run but will benefit you in the short-term.

I think I have lost friends through my hostility and self-pity. I have destroyed a sense of who I am. I really hate myself because I wasn't able to achieve all these goals I set out to accomplish. But for once I am trying this new thing: being confident with who I am. I am able to finally accept myself for who I am. This summer I opened up the gates of love that I have denied for years. This early fall start I began to open up my eyes to different ways of learning that don't depend on stress and approval for motivation. I realized that the only person in many ways who determines my self-confidence and happiness is me. I don't need someone to give me an A, positive feedback, a vote, an offering, a friendship, anything to be happy. I need to be happy with who I am to be happy.

I wish this was the simple answer to everything, but it isn't entirely. This whole path is complex. But I think I am going to stop trying to look at everyone else paths so much and start focusing on my own path for a while. I think it's still important to pay attention to people around you, but it's stupid to try to follow the footsteps of all the people who matter in your life. You have to do what matters to you. You have to live the life you want to and are meant to live. You have to recognize that some people live different paths, and even if the grass seems greener on the others side, you have a path that is meant for you, nobody else. Likewise nobody else's path is yours.

I am going to "try" to change. I'm not going to force myself to change. I think I am going to attempt a gentle process. I am going to remind myself to look after my mistakes. I am going to write down the stuff in my life so I can figure out who I am. I am going to just accept what happens in life and go with it. I am going to watch what I say and start thinking about my actions more effectively. But I am going to stop thinking when it becomes too much. Basically I am changing my mindset on life, and that will take incredibly amounts of effort and time. But it is so worth it to be happy.

"Radioactive" - Kings of Leon