Atonement

I watched Atonement the film today, finally after an entire year waiting for it to arrive from Netflix (it took awhile for it to get from the bottom to the top of the queue). It was a stunning film, rocking my emotions and making me shiver at times. The whole premise of the story is the idea of atonement.

Atonement is essentially forgiveness, but because we cannot be unconditionally forgiven by anyone (except God for some people), atonement is the best we can receive. It is a sense of acceptance of ones wrongdoing and finding some closure, a point of clarity. Briony Tallis never really finds atonement in really life, but her novel is her way to seek atonement.

This morning the police awoke me and surprised me with the news that my car had been broken into. I was in utter shock. Luckily there was little stolen except various papers, sunglasses, and some pens. They actually left all my CDs, and I guess I was lucky to have left my car unlocked by accident because they didn't cause any damage to my car itself. Unfortunately my neighbor's car was stolen in the incident, and in the end I am just freaked out a little by this whole fiasco.

Nevertheless I hope the thief will seek some atonement and return the stuff he stole. I am no criminal, but I have done many wrongs in my life. Many of the wrongs relate directly to the way I treat myself, my habits, and my self-hatred. I looked at a list of dreams I wrote two years ago. I realized how different my life is. I was saddened. I hope that I can forgive myself for failing to reach most of my goals, in fact often I am farther from my goals than I was two years ago. Some of the goals I don't care about any longer due to their inherent specificity or immaturity, but most of the goals are real and still part of who I want to be.

Today I realized just how much my life had deteriorated in the past two years, and it will take a lot of hard work to return back to the position I seek. I am playing catch up here, but the first step toward realizing my dreams is to forgive myself for failing in the past. I need to grant myself some atonement.

"All You Wanted" - Michelle Branch



old music :P