Fin

Complete. Today was my final class of early fall start at UW, and I can say that this course really made a difference in my life. I learned so much about myself and I feel well prepared for these next four years. Perhaps these credits will be a hindrance in my goals for the honors program and a double major, but I believe that I can do anything. This course really helped me realize what I am passionate about, how I learn, and how I live. I realized that I really love politics, science, and debate. I realized that I am far more anxious than I first believed, that this anxiety is incredibly debilitating, and that I can actually deal with it. I realized that I am human. I realized that I need to listen. I realized that sleep can superbly improve my lifestyle. I realized how amazing this university really is. I realized how important physical health is to the rest of my being. I realized more of my fears by plunging myself directly outside my zones of comfort. I realized that being myself is crucial toward achieving my dreams. I realized that thinking outside the box and challenging my mind is much more fulfilling than accomplishing the mediocre. I realized that reality does not have to be miserable. I realized that life is full of possibility.

The past few years have been such a frustration for me. I guess the best way to picture the image in my mind is to see the silversword plant. These plants grow for five to twenty years and then bloom dramatically. However soon after they bloom they shrivel, die, and rot away upon the mountain slopes of Maui and Hawai'i.
Likewise I found myself growing, flourishing in my childhood. I loved being a kid. I was so carefree and I was insulated from the pains of reality. Suffering never touched its cruel hand on my innocence, yet I bloomed because of my awareness of reality. I knew so much about this world when I was a young adolescent. I could name all these places like clockwork. What's the capital of Antigua and Barbuda? St. John's, duh. I excelled in school and that was the only world that mattered.
Eventually I peaked. I had my bar mitzvah, impressing all those who I sough approval from, my family, clergy, and friends. I was on television for my passion and my brief foray into fame intoxicated me with arrogance and insecurity. I never could feel confident of myself after failing to win the state geography bee the following year. I started to veer off my protected, straight, focused path as I began to realize that perhaps I am not that special.
And when the glory of my television debut wore off, I had nothing left. I know what it is like to be a celebrity. You believe that everyone loves you because they want to be your friend, have your autograph, meet you. People admire fame. I definitely have been one of those people for most of my life and I still struggle with the whole idea of being happy without recognition. I have always needed someone to prove that I should be satisfied with my life whether through the affirmation of my friends or a high grade in a course. After my early bloom I began to falter even more as freshman year convened. I received my first imperfect grade. I received my first chaotic foray into romance. I began to question myself and lose faith in myself. Each year life seemed to get worse. I sought excuses. I blamed the dreary skies and my family. I hated myself so much because I did not understand all these crazy feeling I felt. I wanted love. I wanted caring. I didn't know any way to earn that without showing off. I didn't know any way to be loved without a television camera or a newspaper article. I didn't really understand what love was.
I kept doing it. I kept trying to find love through superficial means. I thought I could find friends by trying to fit in with the high achieving crowd. I realize know that I didn't need to prove I was smart enough to be friends with these people. Luckily I managed to make friends who were so much wiser, friends who didn't strive to live this world of perfect duty.

Life was once so simple. You keep growing and growing and you blossom. But how are you supposed to grow again? I only have relocated a few feet away from my originally spot, but I will be moving to new soil, fresh ground, a place where I can thrive. If I sink my roots into this magical college making the most out of this extraordinary experience I can blossom again.

But this time I won't be an annual, I will be a perennial. I will not blossom and die. I will blossom and keep blossoming.

In this new year of 5771, I believe that I will take a new look at life.

5770 had these goals: harmony, spontaneity, understanding, rapport, purpose, and progress

I think that 5771 will have new goals.
Love love. love. love. this is such a meaningful word, but it is so important to me. With love we can truly care about people. With love for our friends we can build beautiful relationships. I hope to find that one true love and to allow love to enter my heart. I want to also love myself. I want to be able to love who I am in all its entirety. Love makes us human.

Passion the one characteristic of people that really benefits you in anything. Passion can spark so much in people and I have a passion that needs to be vitalized. Passion is the most important part of life. Passion leads to love. Passion leads to success. Passion is about the heart. With passion we can do anything and be anyone.

Exploration with a free mind and an open heart I can grow empathy and live a life full of wonder. There is so much out in this world that only requires some exploration. With open-mindedness we become better people, more aware of this brilliant universe that God created.

Balance this is similar to harmony. I still believe that balance and harmony are so important to every human. We all need to maintain a sense of moderation to really be good human beings. We cannot be too much of anything without becoming incensed. Balance is necessary for survival.

Joy not just happiness, but pure and wonderful joy. I believe I have discovered contentment. I have recovered so dramatically by coming to terms with my identity and my life challenges. I believe there is so much happiness out in this world and through laughter, hope, and true, amazing joy we can remind ourselves of the glory of this planet.

Trust this is the final piece of my puzzle, I think, for this year. Trust is about having faith in family, friends, myself, and God. I need to trust my loved ones and believe in them. With trust you can build stronger relationships. With trust in myself and God's plan for me I know that all will be well and is well-meant. Trust and faith are the key toward happiness.

With these new goals I am not setting my life up for a certain image necessarily. These are broad words with many meanings, but I am not calling for achievement. I am calling for happiness. And instead of demanding my life's progress I will allow life to lead the way. I am here and I believe that all will be well. This new mindset is about letting go of the past, accepting the present, and thriving in the future.

"For the First Time" - The Script



A song of hardship and hope.