Direction

This was a beautiful lighthouse at Makapuu Point on Oahu when I visited Hawaii lasted week.

Dreams. We all have lovely dreams for our future, some of us fret over them more than others, while some of us think briefly about grand ideas, but place them aside. I have gigantic dreams; this is a centerpiece of my identity. Some are specific like becoming a member of the faculty at a university in California, preferably Berkeley, while others are simple and common like finding true love. I don't necessarily believe that I will absolutely achieve all my dreams for they are far-reaching and incredibly difficult to reach, but I dislike the idea that I cannot fulfill my dreams. If I want to try and become a Rhodes Scholar, who will stop me? If I want to make a difference on this planet, what will stop me?

Well, in fact, there are plenty of people, events, and ideas that obfuscate my journey.
Friends face struggles, and these difficulties simmer my heart. I feel withered by all the chaos my friends endure and the pressure I place on myself to be a better friend to everyone. I never feel like a good enough friend because someone will always be insufficiently befriended in my world. There is no 100% with friendship, and while I struggle to accept this, I am learning to be okay with my imperfect friendships.
Likewise, these dreams require determination and self-discipline. To secure my dreams I have attempted to brutally structure my life by a tightly managed schedule. This has enabled me recently to accomplish the necessities, yet still I am not doing half of what I should be doing to achieve my dreams. To top it all off, this prudent time management mechanizes me. I feel like a robot at the end of the day, worn out, but unsatisfied. Wandering and serendipity have been banished from my world. Meditation, reflection, adventure, love, and joy have been forlorn in to a forsaken corner of my closet beneath those more pressing needs like family, friends, schoolwork, etc. This clash of my stress level reaching its capacity, while my emotional level reaching a low lead me feeling inhuman and miserable.

I want to be a genuine human. As one of my best friends used to tell me, the most important thing in life is to be human. But sometimes it's difficult to truly accept our humanity. We are not superhuman, gods, or masterminds, really we are only human, and on occasion we must accept our fate. But I refuse to let fate determine my life. I know that the most significant obstruction is time. I often despise the constraints of time, especially as I reflect upon the passing time as I age each minute, hour, day, and year. However I am going to attempt a new mindset. I will not look at time as if it is an enemy, rather time will be my friend. I have all the time in the world theoretically, so I might as well live my life to the fullest, but with no need to fear any ending.

"Who Your Are" - Jessie J