Sometimes I just feel so miserably overwhelmed. Right now I feel that pressure brewing. I never realized how much UW would suck the fun out of me in certain ways. I just never have time to have fun. I am much more disciplined than I used to be, but now I am miserably disciplined. I spend my time as efficiently as I can. I work, work, and work, aiming for that desired grade, that increased knowledge, this sense of fulfillment.
I am overwhelmed by friendships that I don't understand what to do with. Varying opinions about life are causing me to question my sense of self. That delicate core of being that determines who I am feels uncomfortable, violated. I thought I knew who I was and that would fix all my problems, but I am so sad. I need to get away from the stress of this place. I have just worked like a machine for so long, that I believe I have forgotten how to live. I have forgotten happiness. I want happiness so badly, but this overwhelming sense of misery overshadows me like a looming cloud of gray.
Life is much more complicated than I ever could have imagined. I always feel like when I finally get a sense of life, I become overwhelmed by the whole complexity of it all. I thought I understood what I needed to do: find a job, volunteer, study, explore a hobby, exercise, etc., as if life is this formula, but it is so much more complex. Sure I can simplify life down to that level, but there is so much more to consider. People have emotions, morals, values, thoughts. Sure, these can be examined and predicted, but in the end, one single action can have huge impacts on any single individual, or even the rest of the world.
I need some peace even though I just exited my break, and yet I think I want more chaos, but something not so depressing and stressful. I think I need to stop thinking so much!
"Pull Myself Together (Don't Hate Me)" - The Rocket Summer
here's the thing: you're never going to be happy. ever. you're going to have happy moments, but you're never going to be really, truly happy, because that's the bitch of depression. newsflash: depressed people aren't happy, and they are least happy when they're trying to achieve the happiness that is out of their reach. you're never going to be like everyone else, so stop trying to be like everyone else. some people are destined to be sad, like you, and some people are destined to be angry, like me. and that's the way it goes.
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