Ranked

Today I was determined to not even see my class rank. I didn't want to face any disappointment. I wanted to avoid comparison. But I went to the counseling office to talk about my transcript and then I ran into the giant and scary list. I saw it and to my dismay I was ranked twentieth. 20. Not even in the teens. I wasn't entirely disappointed, but it was not what I wanted. I wanted to be high enough to feel good about myself, somewhere in the lower teens. But 20? Not exactly my dream. I felt like I must be really stupid. I felt like I must not be qualified to go to Berkeley or accomplish any of my dreams. I don't know why I set myself up for such lofty goals. I didn't get National Merit Scholarship. I didn't get valedictorian. But then again I guess my goals are just silly. What are my motives for these goals? Inclusion? Respect? Admiration? Living up to that geography has really messed me up. How on earth do I live up to such success from that event? I really can't. But it is time to stop assuming I am better than those around me. It is time to stop judging and being elitist.

The worst part about my disappointment was how I reacted. Instead of clearly thinking and being rational, I immediately started whining to my friends. I compared myself to my peers. I sought attention. Why do I need attention so badly? Once you receive attention and admiration it's so hard to accept that not everything is such a big deal. My experiences have caused me to expect that every small change in life is another spectacle. But it really isn't.

And what really disturbs me is how my focus is so centered on such a stupid thing like class rank. Does it really matter? NO, 20 is amazing and will get me into college. I should be doing something meaningful. I should be taking action. I should apply myself. I guess this is just another shameful lesson in conceitedness. I really want to stop being so self-centered.

Time for action.

And my stress release: dancing.

"G-Get Up and Dance" - Faber Drive