Am I still the passionate otterman?

I've thought of a lot today. I realize how much I need to motivate myself. I realize how much self-discipline I need in life. I realize how hindering my stress is to my life and the people around me. I finally see the danger of my worry, anxiety, and burgeoning fear on my life goals, happiness, and family and friends. I am slightly ashamed, but very much relieved that I can finally see all this.

I challenged myself in the past year and a half to take on more than I could handle. But in the long-run I have just slacked away instead of maintaining the quality of my passion towards my goals and challenges. I have slept less, eaten horribly, forgotten to exercise. I have ignored people's emotions, overwhelmed myself in my own emotions, and encrusted myself in apathy. I have ignored myself, the people around me, and my life. I have been caught up in the past and in the future, but I haven't even enjoyed or focused on the present. It's both about joy and focus. I have just worried and feared everything around me: the expectations of myself, family, and friends. I have been afraid to face the realities. I have been afraid to face my demons. But I am finally realizing all of this.

In this week so much has changed in my life. I cried in the middle of class. I realized how unemotional and dispassionate my leadership has been. I realize how much I have worried about the auction, but how little I have actually tried to do something. I watched Precious and realized how I have to accept all these challenges in life and live with them. I turned in a college application and realized how I need to enjoy my applications and show the colleges what I truly believe in. My torah tutor died of cancer and I realized how much I have shoved Judaism aside for schoolwork and my ambitions. I realize how little I have done for what I really care about and how much I have done that only adds to my stress level. I thought about how often I say yes to things I cannot do, and I can barely accomplish what needs to be done. I realized how much needs to change in this world that can only happen if I get off my lazy butt and start walking the talk.

Recently I have forgotten who I am. I was so overwhelmed in my goals and the regrets of my past that I forgot to see what made me proud. I realized how damaged my self-esteem has been. I have friends who are so conceited and arrogant, but at least they are happy in their worlds. I don't have to be like them and brag all the time about my accomplishments, but I can still have their level of self-esteem if I espouse the values I believe in.

I am passionate. I have always believed this. It's always my answer when I am asked for one word that describes me. However I recently have only been passionate in my thoughts, not in my actions. I have cared a lot about these blog posts, about my peer judgment, my looks, my worries, but not turning that passion toward anything effective. I'm tired of thinking about who I am. I need to start being who I am.

I am passionate. I am open-minded. I am excited. I am thoughtful. I am spontaneous. I am understanding. I am friendly. It's time to be who I say I am.

And the key I have discovered is to stop thinking so much, and to start doing. Living. Being. Accepting my past struggles and greatness, and moving toward the future without freaking out over it. It won't happen tonight or tomorrow or ever, but I can always make an effort to find the balance.

This is my motivation for my passion for the environment.


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New York's Senate voted against the equal marriage bill, and I am angry. I think I will start to do something here to bring marriage. I am tired of waiting for the ignorant to awaken and the stubborn elderly to die. It shouldn't come to that to have gay marriage legalized. Listen to this speech and you will only feel stronger in your support of same-sex marriage or open your mind if you oppose it.

New York State Senator Diane Savino