Too Much Disappointment

Looking back on the past few months since school began, I feel intense regret. I am horrified by my habit of irresponsibility, lassitude, and late night distraction. I feel like I have declined so much. I once had such great self-discipline. I guess I really did far too much this year. I feel ever more so that it would be best to attend a somewhat less challenging college and learn how to restore my self-discipline habits. Or I could really try to take care of myself and deal with my flaws in a productive manner. I don't really know what I need to or should do, but I know that I just hate who I have been recently. I haven't done what I love. I have ignored so many close friends. I have abandoned so much in my life for requests, duties, and tasks that I care little for.

I am so exhausted all the time. I lament so often. I feel like I can never get better sometimes. I feel trapped in this misery. I need to do so much and crunch time is here, but I can't stop playing tetris. I can't get myself to sleep before 1. I can't get any homework done at productive times. I can't be the person who I once was, and I am definitely not the person I want to be. I don't know where the balance is, but I feel like I will never reach it at this rate. I hope I can change, but hope cannot do much.

After watching Invictus tonight, and reinvigorating myself with the messages of Obama yesterday I felt a dose of inspiration. But now that it's late and I still have college apps and a huge analysis to complete I feel like inspiration doesn't help me. I feel like I can never change. I feel like I am always going to only put my 10% effort forth and spend 99% of my energy wasting away and worrying. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. I just want the college apps to be over with. I just want the huge amount of schoolwork to sputter away.

I feel like the inspiration of great leaders only lasts for those short periods of times like the day after an election or at the Rugby world cup. But once the long haul approaches, hope dies. I feel so hopeless. I feel like I am drained of all inspiration and I am only 17. I feel the reality of life crashing upon me. The onus of my future is like the force of gravity on Jupiter. The mistakes of the present are piercing my soul and mind. And I am so concerned by the pain of these forces that the present is barely holding me together. The few times when I feel free from these pressure of the past and future it just seems like they are springs ready to whack me again like a mouse trap the next time I step into the slippery slope of worry. Never can I step outside of this.

How does everyone else do it? How do they enjoy life in the moment? How do they accept the past? How do they feel motivated without panicking for the future? I feel incredibly off-balance. If only there was a simple solution.

"Everything" - Lifehouse