"We were the kings and queens of promise..."

"Kings and Queens" - 30 Seconds to Mars



I Love this song right now. But it haunts me with its message. I feel like I have collapsed and that I have failed myself in too many ways to count. I am so behind with everything. I had so much hope.

I started the year back from the inspirational trip to New York City. I was ready for rather easy classes this year. I was fresh into the auction season ready to be the best Senior class pres ever. I was ready to explore the world. I was ready to get my college apps completed by the end of November. I was ready to fulfill my dreams and make a difference. I was ready to get my black belt. And to get a job. I was thrilled for this year.

Boy, was I torn apart. The claws of Senior year came out and attacked. I have scraped by, but I feel like the promise and hope I once had have now disappeared. I feel no more motivation.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend who asked me why I do the things I do. I feel like such a monster because I don't know why. I don't really know why I am class president. Do I just want power? Do I just want attention? Do I just want recognition? Are my motivations sincere or am I a despicable person?

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't see the kid who won the geography bee. I don't see the kid who smiles all the time. I don't see the kid who was always excited and passionate. I don't see the kid who knows how to have a good time. I don't see the kid who put forth incredible effort. I don't see the kid who was organized. I don't see the kid who was comfortable in his own skin. I don't see the kid who had the promise of tomorrow. Rather I see nothing anymore. I don't see much reason to live with all that I am looking forward to. I feel like I am so trapped in my dark tunnels. Where is the light?

I have done so much. I just wish I could accomplish my dreams. But can I?

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Sometimes we are inspired. I just re-read the lyrics of this song.

I realized that the message sent is that even when we feel we are faltering after holding so much hope and promise for the future, we are just starting to learn our lessons. That's what the faltering is. The mistakes happen when we leave our bubbles of security. And when we face the world and take on the challenges we can feel overwhelmed, lose hope, but we are maturing.

Houston, a Texan and Southern city just elected a lesbian for a mayor. If that's possible so much is. I won't be blind, but I will still hold hope!