Maybe

Why can't life just be simpler? Why can't I just figure it out? Why is everyone at it? Why can't I figure out love? What am I? Who am I? Will I ever achieve anything? I am so tired of life being abysmal. I am so frustrated. I am always whining. I am never getting anything accomplished. I am always posting these annoying blogs and I am never getting anywhere in my life. What kind of progress is this. My life sucks. But now I feel guilty for saying that. I feel guilty for whining. I feel guilty for thinking my life sucks. I feel horrible for feeling horrible. I live in this constant cycle of vicious bitterness and anger. I hate this life. I hate how I hate myself. I hate how I lack self-esteem. I want to lead a purpose, but what purpose can I lead? Why am I so afraid to fight for what I believe in? Where is my courage? Why wasn't I raised with any confidence? Why do I always blame my parents? Why do I keep crying? Why can't I talk normally with guys? Why am I ever-so-awkward? Why can't i keep a clean room and why are my gums in pain? I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. Other times I put a smile on. I wonder if the colleges will accept me. I wonder what more I need to know. I wonder what people think about me. I wonder about the chaos in the world and how my life measures up to those of others. I wish I was perfect. And I wish I was happy. I wish I was better. I wish I could be satisfied with my imperfections. I wish I could be the person everyone likes. I wish someone would want more out of me than just friendship. I wish I wasn't so emotional. I wish I could leave. I wish I could be more satisfied with my life in the present. I wish I could stop wishing. I wish I could be kind. I wish I could be a better friend. I wish I could stop judging. I wish I could find peace. I wish the world would stop being so ignorant. I wish I could stop being a hypocrite. I wish I could find some common ending point. I wish I could just be okay. I wish I could be holy. I wish I had better faith. I wish I could be a true non-conformist. I wish I was brave. I wish I could be moral. I wish I could be truthful. I wish I could find something to be proud about. I wish I could make more of a difference in the world. I wish I was a better son and brother. I wish I could fulfill my expectations. I wish I could handle the emotions. I wish I could breathe. I wish I was better looking. I wish I had a better fitness. I wish to live for many more decades. I wish my friends could be happy. I wish I could be less selfish. I wish someone would tell me how to fix my life. I wish I could find a curable diagnosis for my life. I wish I could change around my life. I wish I could accept all this and be okay. I wish I could be open. I wish I could be open-minded. I wish I could think sometimes. I wish I could find happiness in all those small moments. I wish I could watch all the movies I never give myself a chance to see. I wish I could understand how everyone around me works. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wish to go to college. I wish I knew which college would be worthwhile. I wish I knew my future. I wish I could be more prepared. I wish I could stop procrastination, today, tomorrow, and forever. I wish I could be on vacation forever. I wish I could be happy eternally. I wish I could be happy and sad without being so unstable. I wish I had less stress. I wish I could do more. I wish I could stop dreaming so much. I wish I could dream more. I wish I could be perfect. I wish I could write that novel. I wish I had taken advantage of more opportunities in the past. I wish I had more self-discipline. I wish I was a better martial artist. I wish I had more creativity. I wish I could find some love. I wish I could be a better and more trustworthy driver. I wish I could take risks. I wish I was smarter. I wish I sang. I wish I understood what everyone tries to convey. I wish I could communicate better. I wish I could have more money. I wish I could have more time. I wish I didn't have to do all the stupid things I do. I wish I could stop crying over the spilled milk. I wish it were simpler. I wish I could see through all the pain. I wish I could feel real pain. I wish I could stop playing tetris. I wish I could get reality. I wish I had straight As. I wish I could be less perfect. I wish I could be more timely. I wish I could meet everyone's expectations. I wish I could be less social. I wish I could be more fun. I wish I was a more interesting person to hang out with. I wish I was more Bohemian. I wish I was able. I wish I could do my job well. I wish I read more often. I wish I did more community service. I wish I challenged myself more. I wish I was better and managing my time. I wish I was more appreciated. I wish I was more modest. I wish I knew how to put myself out there and stand out. I wish I could be more like those people I admire and look up to. I wish people would want to hang out with me. I wish I could stop seeing my therapist. I wish my sessions were more productive. I wish I could lead more effectively. I wish people would stop judging me. I wish I would stop thinking about what people think. I wish I didn't take everything so personally. I wish I could have more time to relax on the grass or beneath the stars or on the beach. I wish I could study harder. I wish I could sleep less without feeling so exhausted. I wish I could go to sleep earlier. I wish I could find a better job. I wish I could change someone's life. I wish I could be understood. I wish someone liked me for who I am.

Maybe I'll change. Maybe I'll figure out my life. Maybe in the future. Maybe I'll be who I want to be. Maybe I won't. Life is the most tumultuous idea. But it's a marvelous adventure.

"Maybe" - Ingrid Michaelson