This is step one.
It is time for me to place aside all the emotions. I need to focus on the simple act of doing, living. I will find myself and what will happen will happen. I merely need to let go of all the feelings that engulf me.
Let the emotions pass. Breathe. Stop thinking so much. Breathe. Let the emotions pass.
"Happiness" - Alexis Jordan
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
In My Veins
"In My Veins" - Andrew Belle ft. Erin McCarley
"Nothing goes as planned
Everything will break
People say goodbye
In their own special way
All that you can rely on
And all that you could fake
Will leave you in the morning
Come find you in the day
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Oh, you’re all I taste, at night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Everything will changed
Nothing stays the same
Nobody is perfect
Oh, but everyone is to blame
All that you rely on
And all that you can save
Will leave you in the morning
Will find you in the day"
---------------------
I found this beautiful song on the Grey's Anatomy season finale this past week. It's amazing how wonderful songs can be found in such gruesome television programming... But this song is just my addiction right now.
It is so true. Nothing ever goes as planned. Heck, I planned on going to UC Berkeley on a full ride scholarship. I planned on being valedictorian. I planned on being in student government. I planned on debating. I planned on achieving my black belt. I planned on winning competitions. I planned on being the nerd I have always been. I planned on finding an easy job. I planned on the perfect prom. I planned a lot. I enjoy planning because I enjoy dreaming. I enjoy believing that my dreams will come true.
Today I was supposed to sign up for my grad party buses, but it looks like I am stuck with the last bus option. Today I brought a broken cake to the orchestra to recognize them. Today I turned in work late. Today I forgot my copy of Othello at home. Today I failed to pass my test on forms in martial arts... again. Today I didn't get my Issaquah Press article completed. Today I embarrassed myself in front of the class council. Today I said mean things. Today I ignored reality. Today I was a zombie. Today I was not the person I want to be.
It seems that this belief in my dreams coming true is all that happens. I rarely get all those dreams I wish for. That's been rather discouraging this year. Obviously I still have dreams, but those specific dreams like Berkeley, valedictorian, national merit scholar, those dreams have been shattered. Nevertheless so much has come out of my attempt to achieve my dreams. I am going to the University of Washington. As unimpressive as it may seem to many, I have a feeling that it will be a great place.
I have a feeling that I will grow in many ways at UW. I still despise the frat culture and the dreary weather, but only a pessimist will focus on those small setbacks. It's Seattle! There are trees and skyscrapers! The library is gorgeous! I have amazing friends! The athletic center is awesome! The music scene here is great! The education is world-renowned! The opportunities are endless! The study abroad is feasible and fantastic! What UW lacks in aesthetics I think it will make up for in substance; I just need to be less superficial.
Anyways, returning to my reflections, I do realize I am not fulfilling the exact dream I set upon myself. It might have just been possible. I could have whined to my teachers a lot. I could have spent all my money on Berkeley. I could have studied more for the PSAT. I could have done a lot. But I didn't. That's who I am. I am the person I have developed into over these past eighteen years. My life is in my veins. My choices are imbedded in my skin, mind, and soul. While this permanence may be frightening, the magic is that we can cover the embellishments and the beauty marks through the new layers of skin. Those bruises and scars will remain, but as we age we can grow new skin. Hopefully we just don't too comfortable in our skin; then we sag and wrinkle.
I am on a high after doing homework... something must be wrong with me.
"Nothing goes as planned
Everything will break
People say goodbye
In their own special way
All that you can rely on
And all that you could fake
Will leave you in the morning
Come find you in the day
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Oh, you’re all I taste, at night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Everything will changed
Nothing stays the same
Nobody is perfect
Oh, but everyone is to blame
All that you rely on
And all that you can save
Will leave you in the morning
Will find you in the day"
---------------------
I found this beautiful song on the Grey's Anatomy season finale this past week. It's amazing how wonderful songs can be found in such gruesome television programming... But this song is just my addiction right now.
It is so true. Nothing ever goes as planned. Heck, I planned on going to UC Berkeley on a full ride scholarship. I planned on being valedictorian. I planned on being in student government. I planned on debating. I planned on achieving my black belt. I planned on winning competitions. I planned on being the nerd I have always been. I planned on finding an easy job. I planned on the perfect prom. I planned a lot. I enjoy planning because I enjoy dreaming. I enjoy believing that my dreams will come true.
Today I was supposed to sign up for my grad party buses, but it looks like I am stuck with the last bus option. Today I brought a broken cake to the orchestra to recognize them. Today I turned in work late. Today I forgot my copy of Othello at home. Today I failed to pass my test on forms in martial arts... again. Today I didn't get my Issaquah Press article completed. Today I embarrassed myself in front of the class council. Today I said mean things. Today I ignored reality. Today I was a zombie. Today I was not the person I want to be.
It seems that this belief in my dreams coming true is all that happens. I rarely get all those dreams I wish for. That's been rather discouraging this year. Obviously I still have dreams, but those specific dreams like Berkeley, valedictorian, national merit scholar, those dreams have been shattered. Nevertheless so much has come out of my attempt to achieve my dreams. I am going to the University of Washington. As unimpressive as it may seem to many, I have a feeling that it will be a great place.
I have a feeling that I will grow in many ways at UW. I still despise the frat culture and the dreary weather, but only a pessimist will focus on those small setbacks. It's Seattle! There are trees and skyscrapers! The library is gorgeous! I have amazing friends! The athletic center is awesome! The music scene here is great! The education is world-renowned! The opportunities are endless! The study abroad is feasible and fantastic! What UW lacks in aesthetics I think it will make up for in substance; I just need to be less superficial.
Anyways, returning to my reflections, I do realize I am not fulfilling the exact dream I set upon myself. It might have just been possible. I could have whined to my teachers a lot. I could have spent all my money on Berkeley. I could have studied more for the PSAT. I could have done a lot. But I didn't. That's who I am. I am the person I have developed into over these past eighteen years. My life is in my veins. My choices are imbedded in my skin, mind, and soul. While this permanence may be frightening, the magic is that we can cover the embellishments and the beauty marks through the new layers of skin. Those bruises and scars will remain, but as we age we can grow new skin. Hopefully we just don't too comfortable in our skin; then we sag and wrinkle.
I am on a high after doing homework... something must be wrong with me.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
My Unusual Prayer
Suffering abounds on earth. Many of us suffer. Some of us struggle with love. Others struggle with mental illness. We are grieved by loss. We are imbued with physical ailments. We are strapped by limitations on finances. We are mistreated through our appearances and cultural differences. Nobody wants to suffer, but what if you have never suffered?
I think I am lucky. Suffering has never haunted me in the many ways that it can destroy people's lives. I have not struggled with death. I have not struggled with love (that much). I have not struggled to find friends. I have not struggled with success, financial stability, or hunger. I am physically fit. I am alive and well.
One day I prayed to God. I prayed for struggle. I wanted to empathize with people who really go through struggle to fully understand what real life is like. I wanted to be a real human, someone who overcomes immense struggle. I arrogantly believed I had the power and ability to overcome any form of struggle. Wrong.
I believe it all began Junior year when I broke up a relationship. I think it was not the break up, but the cause of the break up that started my chaos. I had incredible self-confidence and self-assuredness. I lived life believing that everything I did was correct (I still do this sometimes, but now with fear, and foolishness). Then I entered my AP English course. I knew I could handle it; I pulled off an A in sophomore honors English. First my notecard failed dismally. Then my first paper received a B-. I could not handle it all. I fell apart in my classwork. I failed to fulfill my responsibilities in my extra curricular activities. I failed to obtain a job. I struggled to make it through my teaching assistance on Sundays. I became more reclusive. Yet I still had hope. I was pulled along by my sole motivation: Berkeley.
Until this year. Then it all hit me. Berkeley was probably not possible no matter how hard I tried academically. I got myself a miserable job. I did mind-boggling amounts of work in classes I didn't enjoy. I lived like a zombie. I detached from the world. I allowed stress to penetrate my soul and carve me into a meal.
My life has fallen apart from what I enjoyed. My life is no longer the image I had when I was ten, fifteen, or seventeen. I am not going to Berkeley, Stanford, or some other impressive named institution. I am not earning thousands of dollars in some enterprise. I am not serving my community diligently and wholeheartedly.
If anything I am aware of all my flaws. I am so vitally aware of my issues. I am struggling. I am struggling from an enemy within me. I am struggling from an enemy that has turned my life upside-down. I am struggling from an enemy that makes me dread every day and holds me back from falling asleep at night. I am struggling from an enemy that separates me from laughter, joy, and contentment. I am struggling from an enemy that has dispersed my dreams and left me without any motivation. I am struggling from an enemy that has changed my identity to a person I have never wanted to become.
Many people struggle from outside forces, but my struggle is internal. I wish I could do something more to just fix myself, but I know my condition is not as easy to fix as I wish it were. I have to go through my struggle if I want to live the life I wish for. Without humility I will falter.
"The Way It Ends" - Landon Pigg
I think I am lucky. Suffering has never haunted me in the many ways that it can destroy people's lives. I have not struggled with death. I have not struggled with love (that much). I have not struggled to find friends. I have not struggled with success, financial stability, or hunger. I am physically fit. I am alive and well.
One day I prayed to God. I prayed for struggle. I wanted to empathize with people who really go through struggle to fully understand what real life is like. I wanted to be a real human, someone who overcomes immense struggle. I arrogantly believed I had the power and ability to overcome any form of struggle. Wrong.
I believe it all began Junior year when I broke up a relationship. I think it was not the break up, but the cause of the break up that started my chaos. I had incredible self-confidence and self-assuredness. I lived life believing that everything I did was correct (I still do this sometimes, but now with fear, and foolishness). Then I entered my AP English course. I knew I could handle it; I pulled off an A in sophomore honors English. First my notecard failed dismally. Then my first paper received a B-. I could not handle it all. I fell apart in my classwork. I failed to fulfill my responsibilities in my extra curricular activities. I failed to obtain a job. I struggled to make it through my teaching assistance on Sundays. I became more reclusive. Yet I still had hope. I was pulled along by my sole motivation: Berkeley.
Until this year. Then it all hit me. Berkeley was probably not possible no matter how hard I tried academically. I got myself a miserable job. I did mind-boggling amounts of work in classes I didn't enjoy. I lived like a zombie. I detached from the world. I allowed stress to penetrate my soul and carve me into a meal.
My life has fallen apart from what I enjoyed. My life is no longer the image I had when I was ten, fifteen, or seventeen. I am not going to Berkeley, Stanford, or some other impressive named institution. I am not earning thousands of dollars in some enterprise. I am not serving my community diligently and wholeheartedly.
If anything I am aware of all my flaws. I am so vitally aware of my issues. I am struggling. I am struggling from an enemy within me. I am struggling from an enemy that has turned my life upside-down. I am struggling from an enemy that makes me dread every day and holds me back from falling asleep at night. I am struggling from an enemy that separates me from laughter, joy, and contentment. I am struggling from an enemy that has dispersed my dreams and left me without any motivation. I am struggling from an enemy that has changed my identity to a person I have never wanted to become.
Many people struggle from outside forces, but my struggle is internal. I wish I could do something more to just fix myself, but I know my condition is not as easy to fix as I wish it were. I have to go through my struggle if I want to live the life I wish for. Without humility I will falter.
"The Way It Ends" - Landon Pigg
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Adulthood
Every year we celebrate this anniversary of our birth. Today I became 18.
I entered this year of my life with so much hope and excitement. 17. The last year of freedom from the law. The last year of immaturity. The last year of irresponsibility. The last year of childhood. The last year of innocence.
Now I am official. Now I have registered to vote. Now I must sign up for the selective service. Now I must be a fully-fledged citizen. Now I must show my ability to live the right path.
Yet I am still so lost. I am so confused. I am so overwhelmed. I am so beyond crazy messed up. What kind of year has this been? It has been a year that I hope to move forward from. I am proud of my mistakes and mishaps. I am proud of all my falls, but it still feels a little shameful.
This is one of those times in life where you have to stop worrying about the past and just shut it away. It is time to move forward. It is time to jump the river. It is time to finish all these loose ends and culminate my year. It is time for me to live, live, live.
Maybe this year will be wonderful. Maybe it will be full of struggle. But I have learned so much in my seventeenth year that I believe that my eighteenth year will be fantastic.
My birthday dinner was delicious Filipino. I think my waiter was a drag queen but it was quite humorous seeing my confused unworldly sister and he was very friendly (especially his sing-along Taylor Swift). I always like to try new things on my birthday, and I think I did so this year.
All I know I can do is smile.
"Here's to the Night" - Eve 6
We chose this as our royalty song for prom night. I really like it.
I entered this year of my life with so much hope and excitement. 17. The last year of freedom from the law. The last year of immaturity. The last year of irresponsibility. The last year of childhood. The last year of innocence.
Now I am official. Now I have registered to vote. Now I must sign up for the selective service. Now I must be a fully-fledged citizen. Now I must show my ability to live the right path.
Yet I am still so lost. I am so confused. I am so overwhelmed. I am so beyond crazy messed up. What kind of year has this been? It has been a year that I hope to move forward from. I am proud of my mistakes and mishaps. I am proud of all my falls, but it still feels a little shameful.
This is one of those times in life where you have to stop worrying about the past and just shut it away. It is time to move forward. It is time to jump the river. It is time to finish all these loose ends and culminate my year. It is time for me to live, live, live.
Maybe this year will be wonderful. Maybe it will be full of struggle. But I have learned so much in my seventeenth year that I believe that my eighteenth year will be fantastic.
My birthday dinner was delicious Filipino. I think my waiter was a drag queen but it was quite humorous seeing my confused unworldly sister and he was very friendly (especially his sing-along Taylor Swift). I always like to try new things on my birthday, and I think I did so this year.
All I know I can do is smile.
"Here's to the Night" - Eve 6
We chose this as our royalty song for prom night. I really like it.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Max
My parents named me when I was a baby and I do not think they realized the consequence of my name. It means excellence. It means perfection. It is Latin for greatest. Why, oh why did they choose a name with such a horrible meaning? Am I destined to obsess over ambition, power, and achievement?
I brood so much over the stupidest things. I am so jealous of the success of others. I want to be the valedictorian. I want to be the medallion winner. I want to go to my dream school. I want to be the president. I want to be the greatest friend. I want to be included in the best group of people. I want to be a winner. I want to be successful.
I hate this so much. I hate my obsession with accomplishment. I need to achieve something to be happy. I can never seem to enjoy the journey. I have lived my ENTIRE life for the destination.
But in the end, that destination is ultimately death. And the only way to find fulfillment in death is to be happy with how you have lived your life.
I need to stop living for a wikipedia entry and start living for my virtues, my passions, and life itself. I don't have a clue how that works. I don't know at all. But through careful observation over the years, I realize I have a few things to change.
I must stop making every conversation about myself.
I must listen.
I must foster my passions.
I must take care of my body and basic functions.
The list goes on and on. I feel so overwhelmed by my imperfections, yet I still have friends who somehow accept me for all of my messed up being. I guess I just wish I could have more happiness in my life, but I feel like I am still drowning so much in sorrow.
Maybe I just need a break from the insanity of all this go, go, go life. I need to smell the roses, but I am so overwhelmed that I just cannot even take a second to see them.
"Watercolour" - Pendulum
I brood so much over the stupidest things. I am so jealous of the success of others. I want to be the valedictorian. I want to be the medallion winner. I want to go to my dream school. I want to be the president. I want to be the greatest friend. I want to be included in the best group of people. I want to be a winner. I want to be successful.
I hate this so much. I hate my obsession with accomplishment. I need to achieve something to be happy. I can never seem to enjoy the journey. I have lived my ENTIRE life for the destination.
But in the end, that destination is ultimately death. And the only way to find fulfillment in death is to be happy with how you have lived your life.
I need to stop living for a wikipedia entry and start living for my virtues, my passions, and life itself. I don't have a clue how that works. I don't know at all. But through careful observation over the years, I realize I have a few things to change.
I must stop making every conversation about myself.
I must listen.
I must foster my passions.
I must take care of my body and basic functions.
The list goes on and on. I feel so overwhelmed by my imperfections, yet I still have friends who somehow accept me for all of my messed up being. I guess I just wish I could have more happiness in my life, but I feel like I am still drowning so much in sorrow.
Maybe I just need a break from the insanity of all this go, go, go life. I need to smell the roses, but I am so overwhelmed that I just cannot even take a second to see them.
"Watercolour" - Pendulum
Monday, May 17, 2010
14 Days
I have 14 school days left. I have only 25 days until I graduate from high school. Prom is in two and a half weeks. I have a black belt test in less than two months. I am going to Vancouver with my friends in two months and a week. I am starting college in 4 months. I turn 18 in 3 days.
Life is happening!
Today I was so miserable. I still feel a little down, lonely, and empty. But as I read MMT posts, I realized that sitting here reading a website about thought-provoking stories is incomparable to actually witnessing those fascinating moments.
I feel so unhappy when I see other people reach success. I wasn't like that in the past. When my life was going swimmingly well and pleasurably easy, I always thought jealousy and unhappiness were silly. But now that my situation is flipped and I am comparing myself to everyone still, I realize how important it is to just live for yourself. It's tough because we live in a society and we want to fit in with the people around us.
My deepest fear is loneliness. If I try to acquiesce to society, peers, and friends too much, I lose my own identity and I become less of a person. Nobody likes a person who just tries to be friends. We all want to make interesting friends with stories, or at least those are the people I hope to make friends with.
Yes, I do feel emotionally broken. But I think I am going to start making real changes in my life.
I watched a Brittany Murphy movie this weekend called "Ramen Girl." It's about a spoiled girl from America who moves to Japan following her boyfriend who promptly dumps her upon arrival. She then is drawn to a ramen shop and is determined to learn how to cook ramen. In this quest she discovers her true passion and despite the unusual pair of a fifty-something ramen chef and a spoiled young American girl, they find a common bond in this passion. Her life is broken in the beginning. She is forced to clean the dishes until she realizes the importance of きれい, clean. Finally she starts cleaning up her life, literally, socially, and emotionally.
I also struggled today in martial arts. I knew I was not ready to receive my instructor's approval of my forms, but I hoped I could make it like the three other people I train with. For the first time I did not earn my tape. But in a way I am sort of proud. Yes, I failed. But I realized my problem all this time.
I really have spent all this time in a rut. All I do is mope about how miserable my life is. Yet life is fantastic. Perhaps I am depressed, but if I want to exit, I need to start living and stop fearing. I need to stop overanalyzing and overthinking every small misstep. I am going to make many, many mistakes in life. They must be recognized, evaluated, and understood. After making the small changes in my lifestyle from these mistakes, I need to move on. All this time I haven't moved forward.
"Good Times" - Roll Deep
In this song they sing about escaping the day. But I am going to escape the night. I am going to escape my hapless life online and my sleepless nights wasting away on computer games.
Life.
Life is happening!
Today I was so miserable. I still feel a little down, lonely, and empty. But as I read MMT posts, I realized that sitting here reading a website about thought-provoking stories is incomparable to actually witnessing those fascinating moments.
I feel so unhappy when I see other people reach success. I wasn't like that in the past. When my life was going swimmingly well and pleasurably easy, I always thought jealousy and unhappiness were silly. But now that my situation is flipped and I am comparing myself to everyone still, I realize how important it is to just live for yourself. It's tough because we live in a society and we want to fit in with the people around us.
My deepest fear is loneliness. If I try to acquiesce to society, peers, and friends too much, I lose my own identity and I become less of a person. Nobody likes a person who just tries to be friends. We all want to make interesting friends with stories, or at least those are the people I hope to make friends with.
Yes, I do feel emotionally broken. But I think I am going to start making real changes in my life.
I watched a Brittany Murphy movie this weekend called "Ramen Girl." It's about a spoiled girl from America who moves to Japan following her boyfriend who promptly dumps her upon arrival. She then is drawn to a ramen shop and is determined to learn how to cook ramen. In this quest she discovers her true passion and despite the unusual pair of a fifty-something ramen chef and a spoiled young American girl, they find a common bond in this passion. Her life is broken in the beginning. She is forced to clean the dishes until she realizes the importance of きれい, clean. Finally she starts cleaning up her life, literally, socially, and emotionally.
I also struggled today in martial arts. I knew I was not ready to receive my instructor's approval of my forms, but I hoped I could make it like the three other people I train with. For the first time I did not earn my tape. But in a way I am sort of proud. Yes, I failed. But I realized my problem all this time.
I really have spent all this time in a rut. All I do is mope about how miserable my life is. Yet life is fantastic. Perhaps I am depressed, but if I want to exit, I need to start living and stop fearing. I need to stop overanalyzing and overthinking every small misstep. I am going to make many, many mistakes in life. They must be recognized, evaluated, and understood. After making the small changes in my lifestyle from these mistakes, I need to move on. All this time I haven't moved forward.
"Good Times" - Roll Deep
In this song they sing about escaping the day. But I am going to escape the night. I am going to escape my hapless life online and my sleepless nights wasting away on computer games.
Life.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Emptiness Burns Me
Emptiness sears through my soul.
Passion has damaged me. I have fallen fighting for lofty dreams like Berkeley. I have been bruised and broken over work and student government. Martial arts has literally pained me. My mind has been shredded through my devotion to schoolwork. My social life withered as I tried to accomplish all these things.
I keep wondering what makes us happy, what makes us most human. I keep trying to understand life so that I can do more than just survive.
For so long my life has been linear. It has been like the video game with distinctly numbered levels toward success. Eventually we ascend the ladder of levels. What then?
I have never understood that part of life. I graduate in 26 days. I will be finished with high school. I realize now that going to some big name school would have been merely an extension of my obsession with academia and the system I have grown accustomed to. But the problem is, what else is there? I love to study. I love to learn. Is academia still my path? Is law my new path? Is Berkeley still my eventual dream? Are there even 21 balloons to eco-harmony or is life even more foggy than that?
Meanwhile I had my first scholarship interview this weekend. I was nervous, but I knew that my accomplishments spoke for themselves. I kept internally questioning the importance of this tense circumstance. I realize that the scholarship is valuable toward my future goals, but how I am the deserving candidate? How can five essay questions and a twenty interview determine if I deserve a scholarship? The committee is entirely dependent on superficial fact. Are they selecting the best citizens of my town or merely the most persuasive? How do we measure life? Are we measured merely by the surface accomplishments and successes? Is life a quest?
What is best? What is good? Life is full of unclear rules. And I like it that way. We cannot live bound by self-imposed constraints that make us miserable. Many obstacles hold me back. I am AFRAID of life and everything around me.
No wonder I feel unlucky. I was reading a wonderful article recently from a friend about serendipity. I think I know understand why I am so nervous, pitiful, and unlucky. I set myself up for the worst and the worst happens to me. I fear failure so much that I fail. Sometimes my fear can help me get through tough situations, but it prevents me from soaring to the skies I wish to fly in.
This weekend was absurdly beautiful. Mt. Rainier seemed to float in the distance as the high clouds came in from the sound. It was so eerily gorgeous. I do love this city sometimes. It's surprisingly romantic. I know that I can love whatever life throws at me. Nevertheless that bitter lonely and miserable feeling twinged within my core. These next few weeks present many fascinating and remarkable situations. I am free from my job. I am ending my service to my temple's Sunday school as an assistant next Sunday. I turn eighteen this week. I have completed AP testing. I have finals approaching at interspersed times. My extra curricular activities are closing. My summer plans are being determined. My room is being cleaned. There are birthday parties, film festivals, tuxedo shopping, proms, recognition breakfasts, meetings, holidays, events, shows, and graduations in the upcoming weeks. Life is here and I want to seize it so badly.
But something just does not feel right.
"Jumping Into Rivers" - Diana Vickers
Passion has damaged me. I have fallen fighting for lofty dreams like Berkeley. I have been bruised and broken over work and student government. Martial arts has literally pained me. My mind has been shredded through my devotion to schoolwork. My social life withered as I tried to accomplish all these things.
I keep wondering what makes us happy, what makes us most human. I keep trying to understand life so that I can do more than just survive.
For so long my life has been linear. It has been like the video game with distinctly numbered levels toward success. Eventually we ascend the ladder of levels. What then?
I have never understood that part of life. I graduate in 26 days. I will be finished with high school. I realize now that going to some big name school would have been merely an extension of my obsession with academia and the system I have grown accustomed to. But the problem is, what else is there? I love to study. I love to learn. Is academia still my path? Is law my new path? Is Berkeley still my eventual dream? Are there even 21 balloons to eco-harmony or is life even more foggy than that?
Meanwhile I had my first scholarship interview this weekend. I was nervous, but I knew that my accomplishments spoke for themselves. I kept internally questioning the importance of this tense circumstance. I realize that the scholarship is valuable toward my future goals, but how I am the deserving candidate? How can five essay questions and a twenty interview determine if I deserve a scholarship? The committee is entirely dependent on superficial fact. Are they selecting the best citizens of my town or merely the most persuasive? How do we measure life? Are we measured merely by the surface accomplishments and successes? Is life a quest?
What is best? What is good? Life is full of unclear rules. And I like it that way. We cannot live bound by self-imposed constraints that make us miserable. Many obstacles hold me back. I am AFRAID of life and everything around me.
No wonder I feel unlucky. I was reading a wonderful article recently from a friend about serendipity. I think I know understand why I am so nervous, pitiful, and unlucky. I set myself up for the worst and the worst happens to me. I fear failure so much that I fail. Sometimes my fear can help me get through tough situations, but it prevents me from soaring to the skies I wish to fly in.
This weekend was absurdly beautiful. Mt. Rainier seemed to float in the distance as the high clouds came in from the sound. It was so eerily gorgeous. I do love this city sometimes. It's surprisingly romantic. I know that I can love whatever life throws at me. Nevertheless that bitter lonely and miserable feeling twinged within my core. These next few weeks present many fascinating and remarkable situations. I am free from my job. I am ending my service to my temple's Sunday school as an assistant next Sunday. I turn eighteen this week. I have completed AP testing. I have finals approaching at interspersed times. My extra curricular activities are closing. My summer plans are being determined. My room is being cleaned. There are birthday parties, film festivals, tuxedo shopping, proms, recognition breakfasts, meetings, holidays, events, shows, and graduations in the upcoming weeks. Life is here and I want to seize it so badly.
But something just does not feel right.
"Jumping Into Rivers" - Diana Vickers
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Replacable
It is disheartening to think that after working for eight months at a job you can be "replaced" by other employees in a matter of seconds via phone call. I cannot believe the rudeness with which my boss has gotten rid of me. In this state the boss is not required to give reason for releasing employees and I cannot even receive my paycheck for two weeks. I find my boss unprofessional and quite frustrating. It will be tough to find another job, but I know I can do it. I just have to set my mind to it and have confidence. It is so relieving not to have to worry about my job anymore though... the stress was killing me.
So another chapter is closed. I am not irreplacable, but I am worth more than a phone call. Time to restore my self-confidence. Time to restore my sense of self.
Life is short but also long. I have a lot to fear and worry, but I also have a lot to appreciate.
Do you ever have a hard time with words? I have an incredibly challenging time with conversation. Especially when I think about what I say. I just have no idea what to say. I feel so speechless recently. I feel so aloof. My down emotions probably haven't helped much either. But I am alive. I just have so much I am contemplating.
Life offers so much possibility. Life is ahead of me. Life is now. Tomorrow will be crazy. Tomorrow is the seventeenth to last day of high school. I can't believe how close the end is, but it is approaching and I can't tell if I want to be there.
"Irreplaceable" - Beyonce
So another chapter is closed. I am not irreplacable, but I am worth more than a phone call. Time to restore my self-confidence. Time to restore my sense of self.
Life is short but also long. I have a lot to fear and worry, but I also have a lot to appreciate.
Do you ever have a hard time with words? I have an incredibly challenging time with conversation. Especially when I think about what I say. I just have no idea what to say. I feel so speechless recently. I feel so aloof. My down emotions probably haven't helped much either. But I am alive. I just have so much I am contemplating.
Life offers so much possibility. Life is ahead of me. Life is now. Tomorrow will be crazy. Tomorrow is the seventeenth to last day of high school. I can't believe how close the end is, but it is approaching and I can't tell if I want to be there.
"Irreplaceable" - Beyonce
Friday, May 7, 2010
Single
I realize suddenly that I have been single for 20 months. Is that sad? Is it depressing that I haven't liked anyone for at least 5 months? What's wrong with my heart? What's wrong with me? What am I afraid of?
Loneliness is my most bitter fear and anguish.
"Boys With Girlfriends" - Meiko
Otherwise, my day was pretty good. There was sunshine. I was sleepy. I "graduated" from my temple and gave a speech to about 100 people in my congregation about how grateful I am for the accepting attitude of my temple. I really do love how my temple sees past race even though I am one of the maybe ten out of the 1000 people at my temple who is non-White. So different from school where nobody seems to understand how it feels to be left out for being multiracial.
Britain had an election. I watched BBC live coverage until 2AM pacific time. The weather in London sucks compared to our wonderful weather. I guess perspective is important. Although I wish our politics were more aligned with my views like the British.
We watched movies today. I started a statistics project. Everyone wants to take the easy route these days. But where's the fun in that?
In the late afternoon as the heat and sunshine peaked I got to see my the exhibit my friend had been organizing for months. It was a really cool idea: recognize 10 Seniors who normally wouldn't be recognized and match them with a talented artist to create a piece of artwork that represents the subject to the community. The art was magical. But the stories made them that much more vibrant. I love art. I love people. I love sunshine.
What a day. If only I had someone to share with it and hold hands with in the sun...
Loneliness is my most bitter fear and anguish.
"Boys With Girlfriends" - Meiko
Otherwise, my day was pretty good. There was sunshine. I was sleepy. I "graduated" from my temple and gave a speech to about 100 people in my congregation about how grateful I am for the accepting attitude of my temple. I really do love how my temple sees past race even though I am one of the maybe ten out of the 1000 people at my temple who is non-White. So different from school where nobody seems to understand how it feels to be left out for being multiracial.
Britain had an election. I watched BBC live coverage until 2AM pacific time. The weather in London sucks compared to our wonderful weather. I guess perspective is important. Although I wish our politics were more aligned with my views like the British.
We watched movies today. I started a statistics project. Everyone wants to take the easy route these days. But where's the fun in that?
In the late afternoon as the heat and sunshine peaked I got to see my the exhibit my friend had been organizing for months. It was a really cool idea: recognize 10 Seniors who normally wouldn't be recognized and match them with a talented artist to create a piece of artwork that represents the subject to the community. The art was magical. But the stories made them that much more vibrant. I love art. I love people. I love sunshine.
What a day. If only I had someone to share with it and hold hands with in the sun...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Feeling Unusual
This past week has been so crazy. There has been such an emotional roller coaster in the past few days. I want to have a fun, but memorable prom. I want to be myself. I want to be free from all the misery that suffocates me. I just want to be the person I want to be. Yet how can I? There are so many judgments. There are so many passions I have. There is so much I want to do. I feel like so much has fallen apart recently in my life. I feel like nobody cares. I feel like I am being selfish. I feel like I am trapped in this miserable mood.
When can I be free? When can this depression just end? I hate it so much. I hate being this way whatever it is. This sluggish, head-throbbing exhaustion. This loneliness and isolation. This feeling of exclusion. This feeling of constant awkwardness. This feeling of boredom. This feeling of dullness.
I have never really known who I am. And I still am so confused. So many people have such unique traits and substance to their lives. But what am I? When I walk into a room I feel like a blank slate and I could just sit there and say nothing or say alot. But in the end I would be disposable. Is that really all that I am? Disposable?
"Remake Me & You" - Diana Vickers
When can I be free? When can this depression just end? I hate it so much. I hate being this way whatever it is. This sluggish, head-throbbing exhaustion. This loneliness and isolation. This feeling of exclusion. This feeling of constant awkwardness. This feeling of boredom. This feeling of dullness.
I have never really known who I am. And I still am so confused. So many people have such unique traits and substance to their lives. But what am I? When I walk into a room I feel like a blank slate and I could just sit there and say nothing or say alot. But in the end I would be disposable. Is that really all that I am? Disposable?
"Remake Me & You" - Diana Vickers
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Wonder Woman
Ugh. That's how I felt as the plastic packet landed on my table at 7:30 am. AP tests have arrived. In four hours I am off eating at Panera, but in the mean time I am dying to escape from the easiest of my three tests. Thank god it will all be over by the end of the week.
It was during the test that I realized how much that I wanted to achieve earlier in the year remains unaccomplished. Then again, I don't even have clear goals, long-term or short-term in my sights. I hate a lot of what I do. My prom stuff. My classes. My actual prom stuff. My career goals.
It hits me again when the kids slam their plastic packets on to my lonely desk smashed against the fake plant at Kumon. I teach a kid how to cross multiply. I think I will take on that Hebrew teaching job next year at temple.
Oh God. Then there is you. I don't know what to think about you. I guess I need to give you more credit, but it seems like success is only seen by the non-believers, the people who transgress faith and live without fear of their moral actions. Yet I feel almost trapped by moral obligation. Then again this contradicts my moral tenets and my belief in you. I do need to have more faith though. Success cannot match the splendor of joy in faith.
I cannot do much to fix my reputation in my class council at this point through words. I cannot do much to increase my piety. I cannot do much to change my college dreams and be in California next year. But I can embrace what I have. I can act. I can stop worrying all the time about all this. But it is so challenging. Stopping all this craziness is probably not plausible, but I can extinguish the overwhelming emotional weight of it all. I can't be a superman or a wonder woman. I am me. And when I can accept who I am for all of it, good, bad, wonderful, deep, shallow, and perplexing, I can find some contentment. But most of all I need to stop trying to be something, and just go for it. Live and stop thinking so much. Yes, think about the real deep questions of sciences and politics, but stop the obsession over reputation, college, satisfaction, stress, perfection, and all those permutations of life in general.
Live. Live. Live. Do. Do. Do. And breathe in those roses, flowers, and hints of recycled waste.
"Wonder Woman" - Frankmusik
Even wonder woman needs to get her nails done...
It was during the test that I realized how much that I wanted to achieve earlier in the year remains unaccomplished. Then again, I don't even have clear goals, long-term or short-term in my sights. I hate a lot of what I do. My prom stuff. My classes. My actual prom stuff. My career goals.
It hits me again when the kids slam their plastic packets on to my lonely desk smashed against the fake plant at Kumon. I teach a kid how to cross multiply. I think I will take on that Hebrew teaching job next year at temple.
Oh God. Then there is you. I don't know what to think about you. I guess I need to give you more credit, but it seems like success is only seen by the non-believers, the people who transgress faith and live without fear of their moral actions. Yet I feel almost trapped by moral obligation. Then again this contradicts my moral tenets and my belief in you. I do need to have more faith though. Success cannot match the splendor of joy in faith.
I cannot do much to fix my reputation in my class council at this point through words. I cannot do much to increase my piety. I cannot do much to change my college dreams and be in California next year. But I can embrace what I have. I can act. I can stop worrying all the time about all this. But it is so challenging. Stopping all this craziness is probably not plausible, but I can extinguish the overwhelming emotional weight of it all. I can't be a superman or a wonder woman. I am me. And when I can accept who I am for all of it, good, bad, wonderful, deep, shallow, and perplexing, I can find some contentment. But most of all I need to stop trying to be something, and just go for it. Live and stop thinking so much. Yes, think about the real deep questions of sciences and politics, but stop the obsession over reputation, college, satisfaction, stress, perfection, and all those permutations of life in general.
Live. Live. Live. Do. Do. Do. And breathe in those roses, flowers, and hints of recycled waste.
"Wonder Woman" - Frankmusik
Even wonder woman needs to get her nails done...
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Moving Forward from This Depression
Beginning this school year I was in a hopeful place. I had so much ahead of me. College Applications were approaching and I was going to get into all my schools. I was going to have the best auction and raise the most money ever for the senior prom. I was going to do great in all my classes. I was going to find a job and thrive in it. I was going to get my black belt. I was going to make friends and build friendships. I was going to live my senior year to the fullest.
Then reality happened. And the emotions overcame me. If you have read this blog you know what happened. My dreams were not met. I am going to UW. I am going to take three AP tests I haven't prepared for at all. I am struggling through my classes. I have pissed off so many people. I have abandoned many of my responsibilities. I have gone through hell at my job. I have been a lazy president. I have not even enjoyed me senior year.
I realize looking back today how much this depression has hurt me. It has eaten me alive. It has allowed my stresses to take over my days. It has kept me from seeing my full potential. It has made me horridly selfish. It has caused me to abandon friendships, fail to meet goals, and disappoint so many important people in my life.
The future is not suddenly going to be better, but it will be different. I need help. I need real help. I need to move forward in life. I need to stop shirking all these responsibilities and just give them up or fulfill them to the best of my ability. I need to focus on my schoolwork and health. I need to show my friends that I am okay. But the truth is that I haven't been okay since this fall. Maybe it is the weather. I just think I need to figure out how to deal with this depression and overcome it. It has been the most tumultuous, stressful year this year and I am so ready to culminate my final year of schooling.
College is an opportunity. But unless I make some hard changes in my life I will never defeat my greatest obstacle: myself.
"All the World (I Tell Myself)" - Correatown
Then reality happened. And the emotions overcame me. If you have read this blog you know what happened. My dreams were not met. I am going to UW. I am going to take three AP tests I haven't prepared for at all. I am struggling through my classes. I have pissed off so many people. I have abandoned many of my responsibilities. I have gone through hell at my job. I have been a lazy president. I have not even enjoyed me senior year.
I realize looking back today how much this depression has hurt me. It has eaten me alive. It has allowed my stresses to take over my days. It has kept me from seeing my full potential. It has made me horridly selfish. It has caused me to abandon friendships, fail to meet goals, and disappoint so many important people in my life.
The future is not suddenly going to be better, but it will be different. I need help. I need real help. I need to move forward in life. I need to stop shirking all these responsibilities and just give them up or fulfill them to the best of my ability. I need to focus on my schoolwork and health. I need to show my friends that I am okay. But the truth is that I haven't been okay since this fall. Maybe it is the weather. I just think I need to figure out how to deal with this depression and overcome it. It has been the most tumultuous, stressful year this year and I am so ready to culminate my final year of schooling.
College is an opportunity. But unless I make some hard changes in my life I will never defeat my greatest obstacle: myself.
"All the World (I Tell Myself)" - Correatown
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Regrets
I guess my biggest regrets about going to UW are all based on being so similar to where I live now: Issaquah. I fear it will be an extension of high school. I fear that all the stress, misery, and frustration that has plagued me here at high school will only continue 17 mi. away.
Weather
I can't get away from this miserable gloominess. I awoke this morning at two because my eyes never knew that night had ended until mid-afternoon. This weather is the same as in all those unhappy British novels like Wuthering Heights. Thankfully I will have the money to escape the weather and I need to study at university anyways.
People From High School/Judgments
I have learned that many people have prejudices against me already going to UW. I am known as the stressed out bossy kid who freaks out all the time. I am the unhappy whiny kid. I don't like this judgments, and I know at UW people will know me already as a somewhat unreliable and emotional person. I can't help that. I guess UW will force me to deal with these problems rather than escape them. I know I have to fix my emotional problems, and just going away to California won't fix them; leaving might even make it worse.
Ego
This is a stupid one. But UW is not as impressive to brag about at school and won't be in the future. But it is one of the best universities in the country nevertheless (number 11 public school). And the name is actually one of the most impressive. Yes, the Honors program did reject me, but some humility is probably a good thing for me. I know at UW, all I can do is rise and shine upwards. So this regret will be dealt with well.
Obviously UW has several immediate regrets. But in the long-term it will be great. And in the short term there will be many things to look forward too. I think of all the beautiful natural things to do. I think of my close friends. I think of the inspirational stories of Seattle. I'm going to live in a great city! I am learning from renowned professors!
"Hello Seattle" - Owl City
Weather
I can't get away from this miserable gloominess. I awoke this morning at two because my eyes never knew that night had ended until mid-afternoon. This weather is the same as in all those unhappy British novels like Wuthering Heights. Thankfully I will have the money to escape the weather and I need to study at university anyways.
People From High School/Judgments
I have learned that many people have prejudices against me already going to UW. I am known as the stressed out bossy kid who freaks out all the time. I am the unhappy whiny kid. I don't like this judgments, and I know at UW people will know me already as a somewhat unreliable and emotional person. I can't help that. I guess UW will force me to deal with these problems rather than escape them. I know I have to fix my emotional problems, and just going away to California won't fix them; leaving might even make it worse.
Ego
This is a stupid one. But UW is not as impressive to brag about at school and won't be in the future. But it is one of the best universities in the country nevertheless (number 11 public school). And the name is actually one of the most impressive. Yes, the Honors program did reject me, but some humility is probably a good thing for me. I know at UW, all I can do is rise and shine upwards. So this regret will be dealt with well.
Obviously UW has several immediate regrets. But in the long-term it will be great. And in the short term there will be many things to look forward too. I think of all the beautiful natural things to do. I think of my close friends. I think of the inspirational stories of Seattle. I'm going to live in a great city! I am learning from renowned professors!
"Hello Seattle" - Owl City
University of Washington Class of 2014
This is it. Decision day.
My format for the future four years has been determined. This is it. I have worked hard for these past four years to go to college. And I made my choice.
My dream has always been Berkeley. I applied so many other places: Occidental, George Washington, American, New York University, Columbia, Stanford, UC San Diego, UW.
Stanford rejected me. Columbia waitlisted me. UC San Diego was eliminated quickly as my California back up after Berkeley accepted me. NYU was too expensive and crazy for me. American didn't offer me the academic caliber I was hoping for. Occidental was just too small and isolated for all it had to offer.
GWU was a surprisingly interesting school. I still think it would have been an excellent choice. But the wariness of the increasing tuition, the distance, and the general vibe of politics deterred me. I just didn't fit in in the way I was amazed at Berkeley.
Thus I was left with the two I had always thought it would come down to. UC Berkeley and UW.
I chose UW.
I talked to my aunt last night. She had a much starker choice. She didn't have the money at all, but she did get into Stanford and Berkeley. However she went to University of Hawaii. While it is a good school, it is nowhere near the prestige of UW. She did regret letting go of those other schools, and still wonders every once in a while if it would have made a difference. But she is so happy with her life. Perhaps things would have been different with a different college, but college is 90% determined by a person himself. She lives happily in San Diego working at the Children's Hospital. She has a house with a spectacular view and a loving family. She often travels. She lives with meaning, doing what she loves. And she has no debt after all that medical school.
I talked a lot to my friends. Yes, they wanted me to go to Berkeley. I had whined about it for so long. When you want something really badly, I always believe you should go for it. But how can I just go for a dream when it will have a huge impact on my family? I have taken some risks in my life like running for class president or applying for my job. Often these risks have taught me a lot, but I haven't necessarily enjoyed the experience.
I believe I am a year or two late. I am just not ready to go to Berkeley right now. I would love to go, but I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. I would drown, both in the debt and the stress. I have learned a lot recently, but there is so much I need to learn before I go to the school and life of my dreams.
Alas, why isn't UW my dream? Mostly I just feel so unfulfilled because I have wanted to fit in with that crowd of overachievers since elementary school. I have always been used to this image of me going to some crazy school of my dreams. UW is where other people are going. No, it is not particularly unique. No, it is not particularly inspiring. But it is what I have at the moment.
The last few years have been incredibly challenging. I have not had things go my way. College, no matter where I go, will not fix my problems. Only my own volition can lead my life the direction I yearn for.
Of course I will have some regret. I have wanted Berkeley so badly for so long. But I also want to go to grad school, particularly in Berkeley. UW doesn't offer me the instant gratification of Berkeley, but it sure does have a lot to offer.
I hope to wake up tomorrow and finally open my eyes to the magic of reality. Life is magical realism. Crazy things happen in every day moments. I am going to one of the best schools in the country at a bargain. I am living in the land of trees, Starbucks, and airplanes. I have mountains, ocean, and the occasional, but brilliant sunny day. I have so many opportunities to study abroad. My family is unburdened by debt. I am rooming with a good friend and I will have a strong support network of friendships. I will have so many adventures. I will have so many classes to take. I will meet so many diverse and exciting people. I will protest. I have a beautiful campus. Next year will have opportunities abound and all I can do is gobble them up!
So yes, there will always be that part of me that will wonder how my life would be different at Berkeley. Yes, the adventures there would be pretty cool. But all that I am missing I can get in either a vacation or going to UW, but without the $170k in debt. Can you think of how many trips and adventures that is right there? It's a lot.
"Your Ghost" - Greg Laswell
My format for the future four years has been determined. This is it. I have worked hard for these past four years to go to college. And I made my choice.
My dream has always been Berkeley. I applied so many other places: Occidental, George Washington, American, New York University, Columbia, Stanford, UC San Diego, UW.
Stanford rejected me. Columbia waitlisted me. UC San Diego was eliminated quickly as my California back up after Berkeley accepted me. NYU was too expensive and crazy for me. American didn't offer me the academic caliber I was hoping for. Occidental was just too small and isolated for all it had to offer.
GWU was a surprisingly interesting school. I still think it would have been an excellent choice. But the wariness of the increasing tuition, the distance, and the general vibe of politics deterred me. I just didn't fit in in the way I was amazed at Berkeley.
Thus I was left with the two I had always thought it would come down to. UC Berkeley and UW.
I chose UW.
I talked to my aunt last night. She had a much starker choice. She didn't have the money at all, but she did get into Stanford and Berkeley. However she went to University of Hawaii. While it is a good school, it is nowhere near the prestige of UW. She did regret letting go of those other schools, and still wonders every once in a while if it would have made a difference. But she is so happy with her life. Perhaps things would have been different with a different college, but college is 90% determined by a person himself. She lives happily in San Diego working at the Children's Hospital. She has a house with a spectacular view and a loving family. She often travels. She lives with meaning, doing what she loves. And she has no debt after all that medical school.
I talked a lot to my friends. Yes, they wanted me to go to Berkeley. I had whined about it for so long. When you want something really badly, I always believe you should go for it. But how can I just go for a dream when it will have a huge impact on my family? I have taken some risks in my life like running for class president or applying for my job. Often these risks have taught me a lot, but I haven't necessarily enjoyed the experience.
I believe I am a year or two late. I am just not ready to go to Berkeley right now. I would love to go, but I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. I would drown, both in the debt and the stress. I have learned a lot recently, but there is so much I need to learn before I go to the school and life of my dreams.
Alas, why isn't UW my dream? Mostly I just feel so unfulfilled because I have wanted to fit in with that crowd of overachievers since elementary school. I have always been used to this image of me going to some crazy school of my dreams. UW is where other people are going. No, it is not particularly unique. No, it is not particularly inspiring. But it is what I have at the moment.
The last few years have been incredibly challenging. I have not had things go my way. College, no matter where I go, will not fix my problems. Only my own volition can lead my life the direction I yearn for.
Of course I will have some regret. I have wanted Berkeley so badly for so long. But I also want to go to grad school, particularly in Berkeley. UW doesn't offer me the instant gratification of Berkeley, but it sure does have a lot to offer.
I hope to wake up tomorrow and finally open my eyes to the magic of reality. Life is magical realism. Crazy things happen in every day moments. I am going to one of the best schools in the country at a bargain. I am living in the land of trees, Starbucks, and airplanes. I have mountains, ocean, and the occasional, but brilliant sunny day. I have so many opportunities to study abroad. My family is unburdened by debt. I am rooming with a good friend and I will have a strong support network of friendships. I will have so many adventures. I will have so many classes to take. I will meet so many diverse and exciting people. I will protest. I have a beautiful campus. Next year will have opportunities abound and all I can do is gobble them up!
So yes, there will always be that part of me that will wonder how my life would be different at Berkeley. Yes, the adventures there would be pretty cool. But all that I am missing I can get in either a vacation or going to UW, but without the $170k in debt. Can you think of how many trips and adventures that is right there? It's a lot.
"Your Ghost" - Greg Laswell
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