14 Days

I have 14 school days left. I have only 25 days until I graduate from high school. Prom is in two and a half weeks. I have a black belt test in less than two months. I am going to Vancouver with my friends in two months and a week. I am starting college in 4 months. I turn 18 in 3 days.

Life is happening!

Today I was so miserable. I still feel a little down, lonely, and empty. But as I read MMT posts, I realized that sitting here reading a website about thought-provoking stories is incomparable to actually witnessing those fascinating moments.

I feel so unhappy when I see other people reach success. I wasn't like that in the past. When my life was going swimmingly well and pleasurably easy, I always thought jealousy and unhappiness were silly. But now that my situation is flipped and I am comparing myself to everyone still, I realize how important it is to just live for yourself. It's tough because we live in a society and we want to fit in with the people around us.

My deepest fear is loneliness. If I try to acquiesce to society, peers, and friends too much, I lose my own identity and I become less of a person. Nobody likes a person who just tries to be friends. We all want to make interesting friends with stories, or at least those are the people I hope to make friends with.

Yes, I do feel emotionally broken. But I think I am going to start making real changes in my life.
I watched a Brittany Murphy movie this weekend called "Ramen Girl." It's about a spoiled girl from America who moves to Japan following her boyfriend who promptly dumps her upon arrival. She then is drawn to a ramen shop and is determined to learn how to cook ramen. In this quest she discovers her true passion and despite the unusual pair of a fifty-something ramen chef and a spoiled young American girl, they find a common bond in this passion. Her life is broken in the beginning. She is forced to clean the dishes until she realizes the importance of きれい, clean. Finally she starts cleaning up her life, literally, socially, and emotionally.
I also struggled today in martial arts. I knew I was not ready to receive my instructor's approval of my forms, but I hoped I could make it like the three other people I train with. For the first time I did not earn my tape. But in a way I am sort of proud. Yes, I failed. But I realized my problem all this time.

I really have spent all this time in a rut. All I do is mope about how miserable my life is. Yet life is fantastic. Perhaps I am depressed, but if I want to exit, I need to start living and stop fearing. I need to stop overanalyzing and overthinking every small misstep. I am going to make many, many mistakes in life. They must be recognized, evaluated, and understood. After making the small changes in my lifestyle from these mistakes, I need to move on. All this time I haven't moved forward.

"Good Times" - Roll Deep

Roll Deep - Good Times ft Jodie Connor

In this song they sing about escaping the day. But I am going to escape the night. I am going to escape my hapless life online and my sleepless nights wasting away on computer games.

Life.