Emptiness Burns Me

Emptiness sears through my soul.

Passion has damaged me. I have fallen fighting for lofty dreams like Berkeley. I have been bruised and broken over work and student government. Martial arts has literally pained me. My mind has been shredded through my devotion to schoolwork. My social life withered as I tried to accomplish all these things.

I keep wondering what makes us happy, what makes us most human. I keep trying to understand life so that I can do more than just survive.

For so long my life has been linear. It has been like the video game with distinctly numbered levels toward success. Eventually we ascend the ladder of levels. What then?
I have never understood that part of life. I graduate in 26 days. I will be finished with high school. I realize now that going to some big name school would have been merely an extension of my obsession with academia and the system I have grown accustomed to. But the problem is, what else is there? I love to study. I love to learn. Is academia still my path? Is law my new path? Is Berkeley still my eventual dream? Are there even 21 balloons to eco-harmony or is life even more foggy than that?

Meanwhile I had my first scholarship interview this weekend. I was nervous, but I knew that my accomplishments spoke for themselves. I kept internally questioning the importance of this tense circumstance. I realize that the scholarship is valuable toward my future goals, but how I am the deserving candidate? How can five essay questions and a twenty interview determine if I deserve a scholarship? The committee is entirely dependent on superficial fact. Are they selecting the best citizens of my town or merely the most persuasive? How do we measure life? Are we measured merely by the surface accomplishments and successes? Is life a quest?

What is best? What is good? Life is full of unclear rules. And I like it that way. We cannot live bound by self-imposed constraints that make us miserable. Many obstacles hold me back. I am AFRAID of life and everything around me.
No wonder I feel unlucky. I was reading a wonderful article recently from a friend about serendipity. I think I know understand why I am so nervous, pitiful, and unlucky. I set myself up for the worst and the worst happens to me. I fear failure so much that I fail. Sometimes my fear can help me get through tough situations, but it prevents me from soaring to the skies I wish to fly in.

This weekend was absurdly beautiful. Mt. Rainier seemed to float in the distance as the high clouds came in from the sound. It was so eerily gorgeous. I do love this city sometimes. It's surprisingly romantic. I know that I can love whatever life throws at me. Nevertheless that bitter lonely and miserable feeling twinged within my core. These next few weeks present many fascinating and remarkable situations. I am free from my job. I am ending my service to my temple's Sunday school as an assistant next Sunday. I turn eighteen this week. I have completed AP testing. I have finals approaching at interspersed times. My extra curricular activities are closing. My summer plans are being determined. My room is being cleaned. There are birthday parties, film festivals, tuxedo shopping, proms, recognition breakfasts, meetings, holidays, events, shows, and graduations in the upcoming weeks. Life is here and I want to seize it so badly.

But something just does not feel right.

"Jumping Into Rivers" - Diana Vickers