Beginning this school year I was in a hopeful place. I had so much ahead of me. College Applications were approaching and I was going to get into all my schools. I was going to have the best auction and raise the most money ever for the senior prom. I was going to do great in all my classes. I was going to find a job and thrive in it. I was going to get my black belt. I was going to make friends and build friendships. I was going to live my senior year to the fullest.
Then reality happened. And the emotions overcame me. If you have read this blog you know what happened. My dreams were not met. I am going to UW. I am going to take three AP tests I haven't prepared for at all. I am struggling through my classes. I have pissed off so many people. I have abandoned many of my responsibilities. I have gone through hell at my job. I have been a lazy president. I have not even enjoyed me senior year.
I realize looking back today how much this depression has hurt me. It has eaten me alive. It has allowed my stresses to take over my days. It has kept me from seeing my full potential. It has made me horridly selfish. It has caused me to abandon friendships, fail to meet goals, and disappoint so many important people in my life.
The future is not suddenly going to be better, but it will be different. I need help. I need real help. I need to move forward in life. I need to stop shirking all these responsibilities and just give them up or fulfill them to the best of my ability. I need to focus on my schoolwork and health. I need to show my friends that I am okay. But the truth is that I haven't been okay since this fall. Maybe it is the weather. I just think I need to figure out how to deal with this depression and overcome it. It has been the most tumultuous, stressful year this year and I am so ready to culminate my final year of schooling.
College is an opportunity. But unless I make some hard changes in my life I will never defeat my greatest obstacle: myself.
"All the World (I Tell Myself)" - Correatown
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