My Unusual Prayer

Suffering abounds on earth. Many of us suffer. Some of us struggle with love. Others struggle with mental illness. We are grieved by loss. We are imbued with physical ailments. We are strapped by limitations on finances. We are mistreated through our appearances and cultural differences. Nobody wants to suffer, but what if you have never suffered?

I think I am lucky. Suffering has never haunted me in the many ways that it can destroy people's lives. I have not struggled with death. I have not struggled with love (that much). I have not struggled to find friends. I have not struggled with success, financial stability, or hunger. I am physically fit. I am alive and well.

One day I prayed to God. I prayed for struggle. I wanted to empathize with people who really go through struggle to fully understand what real life is like. I wanted to be a real human, someone who overcomes immense struggle. I arrogantly believed I had the power and ability to overcome any form of struggle. Wrong.

I believe it all began Junior year when I broke up a relationship. I think it was not the break up, but the cause of the break up that started my chaos. I had incredible self-confidence and self-assuredness. I lived life believing that everything I did was correct (I still do this sometimes, but now with fear, and foolishness). Then I entered my AP English course. I knew I could handle it; I pulled off an A in sophomore honors English. First my notecard failed dismally. Then my first paper received a B-. I could not handle it all. I fell apart in my classwork. I failed to fulfill my responsibilities in my extra curricular activities. I failed to obtain a job. I struggled to make it through my teaching assistance on Sundays. I became more reclusive. Yet I still had hope. I was pulled along by my sole motivation: Berkeley.

Until this year. Then it all hit me. Berkeley was probably not possible no matter how hard I tried academically. I got myself a miserable job. I did mind-boggling amounts of work in classes I didn't enjoy. I lived like a zombie. I detached from the world. I allowed stress to penetrate my soul and carve me into a meal.

My life has fallen apart from what I enjoyed. My life is no longer the image I had when I was ten, fifteen, or seventeen. I am not going to Berkeley, Stanford, or some other impressive named institution. I am not earning thousands of dollars in some enterprise. I am not serving my community diligently and wholeheartedly.

If anything I am aware of all my flaws. I am so vitally aware of my issues. I am struggling. I am struggling from an enemy within me. I am struggling from an enemy that has turned my life upside-down. I am struggling from an enemy that makes me dread every day and holds me back from falling asleep at night. I am struggling from an enemy that separates me from laughter, joy, and contentment. I am struggling from an enemy that has dispersed my dreams and left me without any motivation. I am struggling from an enemy that has changed my identity to a person I have never wanted to become.

Many people struggle from outside forces, but my struggle is internal. I wish I could do something more to just fix myself, but I know my condition is not as easy to fix as I wish it were. I have to go through my struggle if I want to live the life I wish for. Without humility I will falter.

"The Way It Ends" - Landon Pigg