Forgive

Forgive.

I always forgive. I always take the blame. I always apologize. I always allow myself to suffer for the betterment of my relationships. Yet this self-sacrifice has weakened my friendships.

I spent the past thirty minutes reading my posts from last August. I have changed. I realize now how important it really is to take care of myself. I realize how difficult finances are to handle. I realize the dangers of fear. I realize the value of real self-confidence. I realize the importance of being yourself.

Like last summer there are so many things I want to accomplish, but few I actually achieve.
Like last summer I have made mistakes.

Unlike last summer I am no longer deeply depressed.
Unlike last summer I am not being dishonest to myself.
Unlike last summer I am not trapped by my dreams.
Unlike last summer I do not feel the necessity to be a part of a group.

Today I continued by free-flowing attitude toward life. I woke up and went to the bath and bodyworks. I ate a tutta bella and got a free pizza. I put the dishes away. I helped my sister figure out registration stuff.
As I helped my friend look at colleges, I felt a twang of jealousy. I wish I was in her shoes. I wish I could start the whole process of college seeking again. I have so many regrets. Looking back I know I could have done so much better with the entire application process. I only wish I had all the maturity that I have gained in the past year.

Sometimes I feel like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I was able to apply to colleges again this year I would have done a much better job. I would have applied to schools that would have suited me best. Yet at the same time that whole saying of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, is just flat out wrong. Maybe it's actually that we are at the right place at the right time. Sure I would love to go to some exotic east coast school, but I am stuck with my biggest fear, the state school here at home. I learned that it is actually the fourth best college according to the Sierra Club. How cool is that? I realize that I am getting an incredible education at a ridiculous price. I could have spent three times as much to go to a top 20 college, but the quality of that education is only worth that much if I can really apply myself. Here at UW, I can find myself. I can apply myself. I can make mistakes. I can really reach for my dreams with few chains. I can make this college my own Ivy League, my own Berkeley. I have my list of grievances, but I can find ways to overcome my fears and discomforts.

So back to forgiveness. That's the whole point of this summer. I think it is all about forgiving myself for all I have been through. I need to stop moping and regretting my past. I need to forgive myself as conceited as that sounds. I need to move past my frustrations.

Likewise I need to forgive those I care about who have made their own mistakes. I just don't know how to forgive for everything. Should I be honest about myself? Should I just move forward as if nothing ever happened? Should I ever forgive?

"Your Biggest Mistake" - Ellie Goulding