A Little Lost

I don't understand why I am so difficult to motivate. I really wish I could just be satisfied with what I have. I am struggling with accepting the UW. It is really, really a great school. But I feel so lost. I feel so pathetic. What is the value of all those APs? What is the value of all those SAT practice sessions? Was all that lost sleep worth it? Was all that stress, anxiety, and hours of therapy worth this result? I nearly killed myself several times because of my stress from college. Dreams. We all have dreams, don't we? But my dream destroyed me and I didn't even get a chance to taste the fruits of my labor. Going to UW makes me feel like I have to spend another four years working on at the labor camp. This cloudy climate and these same people are just not as stimulating as I hoped they would be. I have so many doubts. I have so many fears. And I can't seem to find any inspiration. I really am frustrated with the difficulty of the class scheduling. I am frustrated by how large the school feels. I am frustrated with how unmotivated my friends are. I am frustrated by how cramped the dorm situation is. I am frustrated by how lowly I feel at this college.

I want to explore. I want to see the rest of this magnificent world. Yet I am spending the next four years of my life here in the state of Washington. And UW has the wonderful statistic that 74% of graduates stay in this state. Seriously? Only 26% leave? I mean I love Washington, but there is so much more of this world I want to see that I cannot fathom staying in this one place much longer. And with all the stress of my class scheduling I doubt I can study abroad at this rate.

I know that I will face challenges in college. I just was hoping that I could experience so much of this world and its splendor. I just was hoping to break away from all the misery that Washington reminds me of. I was just hoping to start fresh. I was just hoping to be inspired. I will have to face my fears. I will have to make the most of what I have.

It's like swimming at the lake today. If I had gone anywhere else for college it would have been like taking a nice boat or maybe a yacht across the lake. You can spend a lot of money and have an enjoyable time crossing the lake without getting cold, wet, or tired. UW is like swimming across the lake. It's challenging. It's lonely. It's affordable. It's possible. And in the end you get that feeling of exuberance and pride from having successfully accomplished such a feat. It's not as fast or fancy, but it's more worthwhile and in the end I will learn so much. I will wade sometimes, tread the water at others, but most importantly I am taking the plunge. I am going for my dreams, and if this means swimming in the frigid Lake Washington then swimming it will be.

"The Perfect Mistake" - Cartel