Letter

Dear God,

Why am I the person who I am? I am curdling in jealousy. I am writhing in discomfort and skepticism. I am cruel. I am messed up. I lack convictions. I am unmotivated. I am so fearful. I am so frustrated.

I keep wondering if this is how I am supposed to end up. I mean, dear lord, why am I this way? Am I supposed to accept who I am right now? What if I change? Can I change? Can I still try to fit into the perfect life I dream of living? Am I merely giving into my cravings?

Everything seems messed up. The things I dream about living are all turned upside down. My life. From college to love. From friendships to finances to family. I can't sleep a normal schedule. I can't seem to find the positive attitude I need for university here. I can't fit in with my friends. I can't appease my family. I can't change my grandma's illness. I can't change the things I hate about myself.

So what on earth am I doing with my life? I don't even know. What do I want? What do I seek? Money? Security? Family? Romance? Faith?

I don't understand why some of my friends seem to think its okay to totally not care about people. I don't understand why some of my friends seem to have their priorities misaligned. I don't understand why some of my friends are so self-absorbed. I don't understand a lot of the people in my life. I don't even understand myself.

I sense that I have been living too much on my emotions. I need to return out of the shadows and into the daylight of reason. I have a friend who couldn't go with me to the beach today. I felt so guilty. I wanted to make it work for my friend. But she keeps doing so much in her life and never giving time to breathe that I just can't bend anymore. I am saddened that I can't spend all the time I want with her, but I can't feel guilty all the time either. Similarly, I skipped going to my friend's concert today, if I can still call him my friend. I have other friends in that orchestra, but I just couldn't get to the concert today, nor did I desire to attend. I felt quite guilty, but the music brings me so much pain; I just can't handle it.

I really wish someone would understand. I wish my friends would accept me. I wish my friends would be able to understand me. I wish my friends could be my God, but they are not. They are human, inherently imperfect creatures. I love my friends, but I think I need to take a step back from all this friend business, really from all the things in my life that create all my craziness and spend a few days just figuring out my own life.

God, you must get a lot of crap. Everyone complains about their lives to you. Everyone seeks your forgiveness. I don't understand why I can only be atoned once each year, but that's just how you do things. I'm sorry you have to deal with all these expectations, all these pressures, and all this craziness. I appreciate you just for being alive in my soul. I guess when I spend time looking within myself I feel closer to you. That's why I need to really meditate. I need to stop spending my time on this ugly machine. I need to spend more time appreciating your glory and understanding all that makes me human, the beautiful image of you tarnished by our sinfulness.

I really feel so small and insignificant. When I saw your shooting stars in the desert I was so inspired. When I witnessed the breadth of your wonder in the cosmos I realized how magnificent you really are. When you gave me that feeling in my heart I realized that you are so much more than the creator of nature's splendor. When you created that sound at the concert and jolted my heart with the music my emotions awakened. When you fill me with guilt and shame after all my sin I am reminded of your power. You are almighty, but I am not afraid. I love you and I know that you have created me to be imperfect. At my most deep and meaningful core I know that I must trust you. I still don't understand why you allow so much evil in this world, but I guess we as humans have been left to figure out how to repair this world. I will practice Tikkun Olam as much as I can. I will look inside myself. I will tear open my soul. I will clear my mind. I will free my heart. I will allow you to enter me.

Love,
max

"The Writer" - Ellie Goulding