The Meltdown

I have been so overwhelmed recently. Today was supposed to be simple. I was supposed to just meet a few friends to introduce a new friend to Seattle's fascinating sites. I had a pretty good time and had a fair share of laughs. I ran this morning. I made lunch.

But then my mom called me during my excursion at Pike Place Market. She was screaming into the cell and I felt so pitiful. It's that feeling of being happy on the film set and then realizing that it is all just fake as the walls hiding reality from the studio fall away. It's that feeling of finishing an amazing book and then coming back to the loud noises outside the window. I hate that feeling of reality. I have been trying to embrace reality, but at the moment I just keep crashing into reality.

I have to deal with my parents. I love them, but I just need them to come home. I need to be able to talk to them right now. I feel so pressured to be a good child sometimes, but I still never know what they want out of me. They are so lost and confused themselves that I have little faith or trust in them. It is sad. I wish I had parents I could trust and be honest with, but my parents stress me out so much.

After my mom yelled at me I just cried. I felt so ashamed. I felt my world crash into pieces. I know I need to do so many things, but I guess I just can't do everything. I just wish my parents would be more supportive rather than scold me for everything I do. I try to appease them, I try to make them proud, but I struggle so much. I just don't feel like I can make mistakes with my parents. They can be so harsh about mistakes. They worry so much. I am trying so hard to fix myself, but I feel like I can never be fixed.

It's nearly eleven and I have barely started my homework for tomorrow. I need to make some changes in my life. But I can't ever seem to change. I feel like I am trapped. I feel like I am trapped to be my parents, worried, frustrated, and afraid of everything. I feel like I am stuck being this weak, short, worthless person. I feel like I am never going to be the person I want to be. Some things can't change, but can't other parts of me change? I am just frustrated with all these miserable parts of me and the fact that I can't seem to change the habits that hold me back so much. I feel hopeless, helpless, and pathetic.

Everything is changing so fast. Friends are leaving. Family is stressed and aging. College is approaching. I am maturing and growing. Life is transforming. The world is progressing and regressing. Hope is fading. Spirit is dwindling. Autumn looms near and the dreary clouds that remind me of my depression menace me from afar. I am so scared that my life is going to fall apart. I knew that it would be tough to deal with my depression here in Washington, but I am so afraid that it will be worse than I expect. I don't know how I can handle my emotions in such familiar surroundings without the surge of energy and enthusiasm I was expecting. I am really afraid for my life.

"Franklin" - Paramore