In My Veins

"In My Veins" - Andrew Belle ft. Erin McCarley



"Nothing goes as planned
Everything will break
People say goodbye
In their own special way
All that you can rely on
And all that you could fake
Will leave you in the morning
Come find you in the day
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Oh, you’re all I taste, at night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Everything will changed
Nothing stays the same
Nobody is perfect
Oh, but everyone is to blame
All that you rely on
And all that you can save
Will leave you in the morning
Will find you in the day"

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I found this beautiful song on the Grey's Anatomy season finale this past week. It's amazing how wonderful songs can be found in such gruesome television programming... But this song is just my addiction right now.

It is so true. Nothing ever goes as planned. Heck, I planned on going to UC Berkeley on a full ride scholarship. I planned on being valedictorian. I planned on being in student government. I planned on debating. I planned on achieving my black belt. I planned on winning competitions. I planned on being the nerd I have always been. I planned on finding an easy job. I planned on the perfect prom. I planned a lot. I enjoy planning because I enjoy dreaming. I enjoy believing that my dreams will come true.

Today I was supposed to sign up for my grad party buses, but it looks like I am stuck with the last bus option. Today I brought a broken cake to the orchestra to recognize them. Today I turned in work late. Today I forgot my copy of Othello at home. Today I failed to pass my test on forms in martial arts... again. Today I didn't get my Issaquah Press article completed. Today I embarrassed myself in front of the class council. Today I said mean things. Today I ignored reality. Today I was a zombie. Today I was not the person I want to be.

It seems that this belief in my dreams coming true is all that happens. I rarely get all those dreams I wish for. That's been rather discouraging this year. Obviously I still have dreams, but those specific dreams like Berkeley, valedictorian, national merit scholar, those dreams have been shattered. Nevertheless so much has come out of my attempt to achieve my dreams. I am going to the University of Washington. As unimpressive as it may seem to many, I have a feeling that it will be a great place.
I have a feeling that I will grow in many ways at UW. I still despise the frat culture and the dreary weather, but only a pessimist will focus on those small setbacks. It's Seattle! There are trees and skyscrapers! The library is gorgeous! I have amazing friends! The athletic center is awesome! The music scene here is great! The education is world-renowned! The opportunities are endless! The study abroad is feasible and fantastic! What UW lacks in aesthetics I think it will make up for in substance; I just need to be less superficial.

Anyways, returning to my reflections, I do realize I am not fulfilling the exact dream I set upon myself. It might have just been possible. I could have whined to my teachers a lot. I could have spent all my money on Berkeley. I could have studied more for the PSAT. I could have done a lot. But I didn't. That's who I am. I am the person I have developed into over these past eighteen years. My life is in my veins. My choices are imbedded in my skin, mind, and soul. While this permanence may be frightening, the magic is that we can cover the embellishments and the beauty marks through the new layers of skin. Those bruises and scars will remain, but as we age we can grow new skin. Hopefully we just don't too comfortable in our skin; then we sag and wrinkle.

I am on a high after doing homework... something must be wrong with me.