Max

My parents named me when I was a baby and I do not think they realized the consequence of my name. It means excellence. It means perfection. It is Latin for greatest. Why, oh why did they choose a name with such a horrible meaning? Am I destined to obsess over ambition, power, and achievement?

I brood so much over the stupidest things. I am so jealous of the success of others. I want to be the valedictorian. I want to be the medallion winner. I want to go to my dream school. I want to be the president. I want to be the greatest friend. I want to be included in the best group of people. I want to be a winner. I want to be successful.

I hate this so much. I hate my obsession with accomplishment. I need to achieve something to be happy. I can never seem to enjoy the journey. I have lived my ENTIRE life for the destination.

But in the end, that destination is ultimately death. And the only way to find fulfillment in death is to be happy with how you have lived your life.

I need to stop living for a wikipedia entry and start living for my virtues, my passions, and life itself. I don't have a clue how that works. I don't know at all. But through careful observation over the years, I realize I have a few things to change.
I must stop making every conversation about myself.
I must listen.
I must foster my passions.
I must take care of my body and basic functions.

The list goes on and on. I feel so overwhelmed by my imperfections, yet I still have friends who somehow accept me for all of my messed up being. I guess I just wish I could have more happiness in my life, but I feel like I am still drowning so much in sorrow.

Maybe I just need a break from the insanity of all this go, go, go life. I need to smell the roses, but I am so overwhelmed that I just cannot even take a second to see them.

"Watercolour" - Pendulum