General Rant

I hate the blue angels! Why on earth did I not know about their practices over the bridge today? Seriously? Why God? Why this? Haven't I had enough? First I choose to go to the "safe" school, UW, instead of following my dreams. But this school has given me nothing but crap this summer. I have done my research and I have tried to figure out how to best accomplish my dreams without Berkeley or some Ivy League. Yet it seems just so impossible. I went to advising and orientation and I tried my best to find the positives in every aspect of the university, but I am tired of trying to impress myself. For my sake, UW impress me for once! I am still spending money to go to this college, but I definitely feel like I am getting half the value of the college I want. I feel like this safe option is really just the stupid choice. I feel so trapped here. I hate that all these people from my high school go here. I hate that my good friend seems to hate the school and I am pretending to love it. I hate faking my feelings. I hate this bureaucracy. I had a stupid noon time appointment to figure out my next four years because this university insists on punishing students who have too much AP credit. This is just ridiculous! I can't take electives because I have so much AP credit! Why on earth should I have to graduate on a time limit because I worked so hard during high school. Do I get any credit for all the work I did? NO! UW rejected me from the honors program and now they punish me for doing well with AP coursework. They make it so difficult to find classes that you need to take. I don't know how I can possibly do a double degree at this college either. My current schedule plan doesn't fit in the double degree. And then when I think I have some hope, when I have a chance to finally talk to someone about all this, the stupid blue angels decide to have practice and close the I-90. I sat in 45 min. of traffic and I have no air conditioning. I am covered in disgusting sweat and filled with so much anxiety. I can just see all my dreams floating away from me right now. I can't even be honest about all this stuff with anyone. I know I should feel lucky to be going to such a great school, but I still feel so inferior, so pathetic. I have dreamed for so many things in my life and UW was not in that dream world. I dreamed of colleges that would impress me, but my stupid self-entitlement makes me hate everything that is lesser. I hate myself so much right now. I hate that I have worked so hard and pushed myself into misery for this dream that I can no longer have. I don't know what to do. I hate all this bad luck. I just want God to send me a good omen. Stop sending me omens that signal all this negativity. My trip to Vancouver got messed up. My prom got messed up. My college situation got entirely screwed. And I know it's my fault, but please dear God let me at least have something. Let me at least have the right roommate or the classes I want. But I already can't get the classes I need and I had to reschedule my appointment with advising until tomorrow, when the classes will fill up even more. I am just so hot, tired, and sweaty right now and I just want something in my life to work out. I feel so lost. I want to be free, and I feel so trapped. I hate how I cannot seem to fit in anywhere. I cannot seem to just be normal like everyone else. I hate how at UW I feel like I need to be normal. I feel so trapped like in high school. I am so afraid. I don't have my safety blanket of my honors college and high ego. I don't have the classes I want. I don't have total financial freedom. I don't have anything that can free me from this pit of misery. I want to explore, I want to figure out who I am, but I am so trapped here in Washington. I want to study abroad, but the stupid UW won't let me if I want to also do well. I feel like I am stuck here in Seattle for the rest of my life and nobody seems to understand. And I just don't want this at all. I know I should be happier, but I am not. I am so trapped in so many ways. Reality is so harsh and I guess I am just learning how to deal with it, but I just want some peace in my life. I want to be able to handle these situations without freaking out every time like I do, but I don't know how to control my emotions. I have so much emotion stuck inside me right now, in every aspect of my life. I hate my life so much, I just want a new start. And UW in no way seems to signal this new start. I feel so trapped at UW like I am trapped by high school. I hated high school so much. I thought college would be a fantastic experience, but so far it has been HELL.