I keep hoping that everything works out. I am questioning so much in my life, pondering so many thoughts. I am searching for that purpose for my life. In the past I have had such clear distinct goals, but now I feel like my dreams, aspirations, and future are so unclear. I don't have a direct goal ahead of me. My future is a misty haze that I need to keep walking forward into, but I am afraid that I will take the wrong step and trip, fall to my embarrassment and disaster. I guess this is just normal. Real life is foggy and most people walk around it unclear. I can do my best to clear it up, but even if I take a path that is visible, it might not be the best one. I could follow the path and become a lawyer, doctor, or teacher. I could wander a little more and step off the clear path every once in a while to test the clouds. Or I could truly disconnect from what I know will work and fly or crash into the grand, clouded fog.
Whatever happens, will happen. Today was a little drab, but I did a lot of work. I am proud of how much work I have accomplished, but I haven't done much besides schoolwork or academic planning and exploring in the past few days. I do need to figure out a lot of academic stuff, but I also need to think of the bigger picture, learning new skills and gathering new experiences in jobs that pay actual money, volunteering to serve the community, or participating in clubs taking action around campus. I can't live my whole life in this dormitory room hoping that opportunities will come to my window.
As I returned home from cooking my mom brunch for Mother's Day, I looked all around me, seeking the beauty even along the grim highway in the overcast skies. It is an arduous task, but there is beauty everywhere if you really seek it. Even so, there is much more beauty in life if you just go out there and do things, live a true and honest life, challenging assumptions and clearing the fog that surrounds us.
As this week continues I have some goals I need to set.
Finish my book finally after reading it for almost six months.
Talk to advisers in two departments and reflect on my majors using my already created guide.
Sleep well every night.
Take beautiful photographs in surprisingly inspirational places twice.
Determine my classes for autumn quarter.
Eat frozen yogurt.
Find several jobs and maybe even apply for some.
That's more than enough for this week, but I think I can tackle that list and my two midterms. Tomorrow is the first one, so I will go to sleep at this early hour before midnight!
"Lights" - Ellie Goulding
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