The Toll that Never Seems to Wane

Every day I keep hoping I will get stronger, but I keep struggling. For the past five days I have been on task, getting things down at least in the school and family realm, and I have been rather proud of my success, but I am so behind on so many other goals in my life. There is so much in my life besides school, yet it takes up abut 70-80% of my awake hours, even counting the weekends. It's quite exhausting. I want to do some things to tackle wasted time though.

For one, I tend to spend a lot of time on the computer because I do so much work. I am determined to change this in the next week. I want to spend as little time on the computer as possible in this upcoming week. I currently force myself to go on the computer a lot because I use a time card to record how much time I spend on homework, but I end up spending a lot of time distracted on the computer because it is so accessible when I keep it open to record the homework time. I guess I'll keep using it to measure my homework, but I'll close my computer when doing so to avoid distraction, or maybe I'll stop worrying so much about how much time I spend doing homework and just try to get it done and learn as much as I can from my material.

There are a lot of problems I seem to face and many expectations I fail to meet in life. But how will I ever improve if I don't take some time to just flat out rest and recover, be myself and free myself from the restraints that seem to chain me in misery? I need to take this weekend and fully rejuvenate myself from the stresses of this week. I need to relax and spend time alone, reflecting on life, living joyfully, doing fun things, and taking photographs. I need to give myself some peace as I keep running nonstop with no passion, determination, or direction.

It just seems like I am never able to escape the negativity that shrouds me or the stress that makes me feel so awful. I get those brief moments where I feel happy, but it's just so rare and I want those happy moments to be more of a part of my day. I want to revive the passion that always kept me going through challenging times. I'm thankful I'm out of my deep depression now, because this lack of passion is bringing me down just as much; both combined would generate an abysmal cocktail. 

"Shake Me Down" - Cage the Elephant