April is OVER

April was not an enjoyable month for me, for the most part. It wasn't awful, especially in comparison to last April, but even though it was a relative improvement it still was not a good month. I was so stressed and my anxiety was crazy. It drove me to finally see a new therapist much to my disappointment. Pesach was a guiding light to some sort of redemption, and I am not sure what that is considering how much disappointment and hopelessness I have encountered in recent weeks. Besides the stress of all the midterms, social awkwardness, loneliness, lovelessness, and emptiness, I do feel like I have been redeemed in many ways. I have been lucky enough to have a strong support system of friends and family who deal with me and accept me for no matter what.

Much of this month I wondered how my life would be different if I had gone somewhere else. I always thought that it would be better if I had gone to Berkeley, or even Occidental or elsewhere. If I were to compare my experience today to one at another place at this time, I undoubtedly would be happier at another college. But this all comes with a caveat. I don't think the happiness would be real. I have learned A LOT here at UW about myself and I have had to face many of my discomforts and realities that I would never have faced at another place. The other colleges seem like far off dreams, vacations in a sense from the reality I need to face. I have faced some of my biggest personal fears, and at other times I feel so disappointed by how much I have shrunk inside my comfort zone. Things are going to finally change I feel like starting this month.

It has been a year since I chose my college. After 7 months as a Husky I have my regrets, my disappointments, my successes, my accomplishments, my reflections, my dreams. Things have changed. I can always ponder what might have happened if I had done something radical and gone somewhere else. In many ways I am honestly regretting my choice. But in many other ways I have realized that while there may have been more hope somewhere else, more sunny, warm days, a refreshed spirit of excitement, new friends, all sorts of things that I dreamed of and imagined in college, here I have faced more of my reality, a deeper sense of diversity, worked harder than ever before, reflected on myself more, learned from my mistakes, opened my mind, strengthened relationships, gained social skills, applied for new jobs and internships, immersed myself in culture, explored a city and beautiful campus, and shared incredible experiences that might not have happened in any other place or time in my life. Life here has not met or exceeded my expectations, rather it has thrown all my expectations out the window, just as it should have. And that is why I have no verdict about my time here at UW. I am sure it is different, but I believe that no matter what this is what was meant to happen. I never could have seen it come, and I am glad I didn't go anywhere based on a whim, because what I have realized in life is that as long as you have the means, you can really handle any challenges that appear.

This weekend has been awkward, fun, uncomfortable, lovely, and exhausting. I went to the prom. It brought back a lot of difficult memories, and at times I did want to cry, but obviously such a public outburst would be rather inappropriate and embarrassing. I was reminded of how awful my life was in high school and how much of a lie I lived. I was reminded of all the things I hated about myself and how much I have changed. I spend all of high school working to get as far away from it as possible, and last night I found myself trapped again in the misery that I worked so hard to run away from for years. I felt like I had abandoned all my principles.
But it was good to purge those bad memories by plunging myself into them. I just hope to never experience them again, and most definitely I will never  ever go to a prom again. Thankfully the after party and my sleep over with friends was better, but the exhaustion and discomfort of the prom was an awful damper on the rest of my night. And after watching a film, reading some Canadian election coverage, and playing an awesome game of Settlers of Catan I feel quite contented with life.

Now it is May. It is my favorite month. I am going to change my mindset. I have been working on this transformation for many months, and I feel like I am going to finally climb over a ridge here and make a breakthrough soon. Usually that breakthrough takes longer than I expect, so I guess I shouldn't be too anticipatory. Whatever happens will happen, but I am determined to make this month a turning point in my life toward the better.

"Take Me Home" - Germany Germany