The Big Apple, Toronto Talk, and Reflections

I have just returned from one of the most wonderful vacations I have ever taken. Usually my trips focus on family, which is joyous, but for once I visited a new destination. New York is really what they say it is. It is beyond words. You walk down the street and suddenly there is an onslaught of different peoples babbling in foreign tongues and mixing together. The subway approaches and you sit down in the car next to some stranger and you can't help but feel some kind of kindred shared spirit despite the attempts to avoid each others' eyes. The park in the center of all the craziness: a refuge of quiet peacefulness. Towering skyscrapers that make you feel so small yet so immersed in the city. The city becomes part of you and you become part of the city. The art galleries and museums that penetrate into the soul of artistry and awaken the senses in unimaginable ways. And to think I only visited a few places in this grand city; I already feel like I've lived there.

Quickly we rush off to Toronto via New Jersey (which happens to be as depressing as is rumored). With a sudden halt we are in Canada where everything seems to mellow out. Toronto isn't very different from New York except it's about a quarter the size and much cleaner and safer. It's so quaint yet diverse. But my family there really made me think. My cousin is going to follow in his mother's footsteps and become an accountant. I even asked him if he was excited for this job, and his reply was a brusque "no." Despite the beautiful tree-lined streets and the lovely nannies that stroll the babies around town for wealthy parents of North York, there is a coldness to this culture. It seems so dismal to live a life of pampering to only become a moneyman accepting a dull life as if it were something to be proud of.

So while this doesn't not do justice to Toronto as a whole, which is also one of my favorite cities, my family there causes me to symbolize the city with a sort of simplistic satisfaction. It's as if living in such perfection leads one to become contented with only a mediocre future. New York on the other hand is exciting for me. And it really doesn't matter what city it is, but the point is that we all need to escape the boundaries that society has set for us. I could easily become just a lawyer or a businessman, but I want to make a difference to the world (If only I could do more instead of just talk). If anything, New York and Toronto just inspired me to be myself. I am going to go into this new school year with a fresh perspective. I think I've grown quite a bit this summer and I'm excited to apply my wisdom and my dreams to actual reality.

New York is like life. You get lost. It's crazy. You figure out part of it, but then you find out there's a whole other borough to get lost in again. There are people all around you and there are voices influencing you all the time. But in the midst of all the craziness of a city or just plain old living, you have to be you. You have to have faith in who you are. You have to accept that you are alive and on this planet for a reason. What a world it would be if we all tried to be ourselves.

New York, New York

I will be in the Big Apple in 18 hours. I am so excited. The sights and sounds of the hustling and bustling city. The second largest city in the world! People form every country in the world congregating in this single location. The heightened senses yet resounding numbness I imagine standing in the middle of Times Square on a busy evening. The glorious art museums and the somber site of our nation's painful day of September 11th. The serenity of Central Park surrounded by the thriving businesses and international communications. Television, radio, newspapers. Theater, libraries, universities. The entrance to America at one point welcoming the immigrants through our idyllic symbol of liberty. Oh so much more. I can only imagine it all. I am officially excited for this venture.

It also seems to come at an appropriate time. I was stressed out about leaving right before school starts, and it is still quite stressful. But this is the perfect place for me to discover more about my identity. I can absorb the extravagant array of cultures and ideas there and learn more about who I am. I won't have the influence of my friends or peers. I won't be stressed by my duties at home (as much). I will be mostly disconnected and forced to take it all in. Although it won't be true separation, it will be enough to allow me to reflect on my life. Where I have been. Where I am now. And Where I want to and will go.

New York, here I come.

Facebook.... Ouch

I have been spending some time on Facebook, maybe too much time. I looked at some photos from someone's summer experiences and I was shocked. One of my best friends had a spectacular birthday bash several months ago and I wasn't there. I'm hoping I was invited and unable to attend, but I don't think so. Even so it brings up misery. I try so hard to fit in with this group of friends. They are all musically inclined, and I'm not. They're mostly Asian and I'm only half. They are generally perfectionists and went to a different middle school. I want to be one of them. They are so close. They do so many things together. If they plan something they always invite each other.

I love the feeling of being invited. And the worst part of all this is that I have been invited in the past to people's things and I haven't been proud. I always take for granted the friends who accept me and care about me, while yearning for what I don't have. I just can't believe one of my best friends wouldn't have me at a birthday thing. I feel left out and ostracized. Is it my skin color? My interests? My lack of intelligence?

And the weirdest part is that I am treated so differently with different friends. My friends from middle school who I share little in common with other than shared experience are accepting and always call me the "genius kid." They know me as that kid who won that competition in middle school. They always treat me as some higher person. But even then I am not imbedded in their group. I don't share as many experiences as they do with each other. I'm slightly left out just because I don't live near them.

With my newer friends who I've met in the past three years (now such a long time!) I have had a clean slate. They have not known me as the smarty pants. In fact they already have their labels for their smarty pants. So when I hang with them I almost have to prove myself. And I try so hard. In fact I think I've devoted so much time to being a good friend to these people that I've allowed my grades and knowledge to slip. How much learning have I lost to be accepted by my peers?

And then there are the people I take for granted. The friends I always forget. The ones who invite me and I almost try to avoid it. I guess I must be a little likable if they want to invite me to their things. But it's almost too easy. I hate easy. I like challenges. I don't need to put much energy into these friendships. I just need to be myself. And the weird part about that is that it makes sense, yet I don't want that.

I guess the moral of all this is that I don't need to appease anyone. I don't need to be someone elses stereotype or portrait. I'm going to be friends with the people I care about and I am going to be myself. I am not going to be bullied around or pushed into obstacles to make friendships. I know my close friends and I am going to devote my time and energy directly towards them. While it may hurt to not go to that party, I guess I just have to live with it. One day I'll be invited. But perhaps I just need to change my focus to what I love: learning.

"I Don't Care" - Apocalyptica ft. Adam Gontier

Why Can't I?/Wow I'm Pathetic

I have only two days until I leave for New York. And I feel as if I will never be able to accomplish anything. So many people have gotten somewhere with their lives.

Completing college applications.
Organizing concerts for the benefit of the hungry.
Training for cross country or other sports.
Helping the community.
Working and getting paid.
Going places and learning new things.
Taking senior photographs.

So many things are being done. I watch so many people accomplish things. They don't fret too much over stuff, instead they do. The act. They make their aspirations realizations. Why can't I?

And the problem is I know I can. I climbed that mountain yesterday and saw that beautiful view. I felt accomplished. I felt that I had gotten somewhere. But when I came back down to the reality of school I just felt diminished. Nothing can take away all the effort I put forth for that hike and the reward of that awesome view. Nothing can take away my spirit. Nothing can take away my vigor. And so, I search for divine inspiration. Some sign. Some path. I feel incredibly lost. I want to hike that rigorous trail, but I can't find it. And even if it isn't clear I don't even know where I am going. I wish I had some simple answer. Or I wish I could divest my time and energy into a single goal and point. But life isn't a simple trail. Life is a relentless forest without any cleared trails (unless you inherit money or something). So I guess I will have to put my passion forth to cutting away the underbrush and moving forward the way I know best. Goalsetting and goalaccomplishing.

And which math class do I choose? That will be my challenge for decision-making. Oh and I must find the time to make that dream book I've been dreaming to create.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow... I took a break to get a new song, and then I realized...

Look at the title of my post. Read what I've written. It's so self-centered. All of this is. It's me complaining about how sad and pathetic my wonderful and easy suburban life is. I should cherish it. I should not be whining about it. I should use my energy that I receive from my easy access to food, water, and shelter for the benefit of the world. If anything I need to do that involves myself I need to meditate and think hard about the way I'm leading my life. I've been complaining for so long about my lack of energy and enthusiasm. So what? There are bigger things in life. I've been worrying over my schedule and how pitiful it is that I can't get what I want. But that's life. That's God's message to me. I'm totally losing focus towards my dreams. I dream of being someone who helps to make the world a better place. But how can I do that if all I care about is my self. I really need to step outside my box. I really need to just accept what God has given me. I may not have gotten the position I wanted for JSA. But I can turn that into something great. I may not have gotten my requested schedule, but I can take charge.

It's not about fighting the establishment or fitting in with it. It's not about twisting the world to match my ways. It's about leading a life with a purpose. It's about being thoughtful of humanity. It's about living beyond myself. I'm ashamed for these past two days of relentless self-pity and laziness. I've become so self-centered that I've forgotten the core of it all. I've worried so much about the little side steps to the dream that I've forgotten the dream. I've compared myself to others only to make me feel some sort of ironic sympathy.

Sometimes I wish people would give me a slap in the face when I am veering towards selfishness.

"If Everyone Cared" - Nickelback



"Amen I'm alive."
Now I need to "swallow my pride."

Saint-Louis-du-Ha! Ha!

Did you know there is a town in coastal Quebec called Saint-Louis-du-Ha! Ha!? What a shock! There are exclamation points in the name of a city! How could this be? It completely breaks with convention and order. The apocalypse must be nearing!!!!

That's how I felt today. The sudden and sheer fall towards the end of the world. And just because I didn't get the schedule I wanted. But what's the point. I spent all day trying to fix my schedule and worrying about it and freaking out. It's natural for me to be a little (no a lot) neurotic. How much is too much? Today was definitely too much. I don't need to freak out. I need to calmly approach the situation. I did my fight today. I went up to the counseling office and told them straight up that the schedule would not work and I needed to talk immediately. And for once I was brave enough to face authority (adult to be specific)! And unfortunately nothing could be done. But still I cannot allow this to completely change my plans for school. So after fighting for the original plan I must be innovative. I must seek compromise and discover new ideas. I must be creative and clever. This is God's test to me.

I need more faith. But where do I find it? I am a skeptic. I always believe in the worst in people and the world. It is so pitiful. I think I can change through faith. If only I could get an omen or a sign. Perhaps I do every day.

Anyways back to the freaking out. So I'm sure when this city in Quebec registered its name it faced protest and shock. But today it is famous for this name. Although it didn't follow convention it ended up finding a new path. So I am going to clear a new path that no other person hath led. That is true leadership. I will not fear this new challenge. It won't be easy facing this awkward schedule. But it is life.

And when we put it all in perspective we realize how silly we are. A little over 24 hours ago everyone discovered their schedules. Some people were perfectly pleased. Others like me were in shock and utter misery. But it's just a schedule. What's more important is what we do with this system. We can let it destroy us or we can turn it into a benefit. And here we actually have a choice for our classes. If we don't like that AP course we can always switch to the miserably similar other one. It's not the end of the world. I know people who have only one AP class ever in their schools. Or people who take AP courses online! And in the end it's just high school. What really matters is how we lead our lives. And I have goals. If my plans don't work out perfectly I'm just being too rigid.

So when we've fought the system and battered down the hatches until the last straw of energy was used, all we can do is ....
...
...
...
laugh.



watch this. tell me if it makes you laugh.

Fight

Fight. Fight for your life. Fight for your rights. Fight for faith. Fight for what you believe in. Fight for what is right. Fight for liberty. Fight for freedom. Fight for humanity. Fight for peace.

I'm not calling for violence, I'm pleading for action. It is too often that we let the flow of life control us. I know that thanks to so much that happened today. I have so little time until my trip to New York City. I really have a lot I want to do until then and I know I can do by I have to give it my umph. And for once I have that energy and spirit to do this.

I think about V for Vendetta. In the movie society just allows government to slowly take over their lives until they learn to just accept the lack of human rights and the fear. But V shows Evie that they need to fight for a better life. It is soooooo easy to just accept life as it is. It is so easy to be afraid to face that mountain or that test. It is so easy to avoid someone you like. It is so easy to let people harass you. It is so easy to not try in school. It is so easy to depend on drugs and alcohol. It is so easy to let time fly by and follow no self-discipline. It is so easy to not care about the world. But in the end we realize how miserable this way of life is. We can't always live contented with life the way it is. We cannot be contented with fear!

The school totally messed up my schedule. But I must be brave. Even though in large capital letters they warned us that our schedules could not be changed, they cannot back down to me. I will not let the school control my life. I will lead. I will take charge of my path. I will not recklessly and aimlessly wander through life letting its currents take over. I will be the boat that flows up the rapids and torrents despite the struggle. Because in the end we reach the paradise we aim for. In the end even if we don't get what we want we learn something. Even if we are punished harshly for our bravery we weaken the forces of fear and that dominate and control us.

Maybe I am just against the establishment. But I don't actually act that way. For once I am going to take charge. I am going to fight for the schedule I want. I am going to fight to live with a purpose. I am going to fight to accomplish my goals. I am going to fight. And if anything I am going to win!

"I Will Not Bow" Breaking Benjamin



If the title isn't obvious enough.... I WILL NOT BOW...

Who will you not bow down to?

So Much More

"These Two Hands" Hana Pestle



The lyrics of this song present such clear metaphors to the state of my present life. While their are many possible meanings, my interpretation is that I don't want to be trapped in a box or held back by fear. It's not just my hands. I don't want to be slowed down by my ego or mindset. I don't want to be halted by insecurity or laziness. I don't want the physical barriers like sleepiness or the mental roadblocks like apprehension to drag me down.

I also compare it to my life. Hana Pestle has amazing talent with her two hands through her music. Similarly I have had my own talent in the past. However I cannot allow that sole talent to control my life. I need to move forward and be more than just the person who won that competition. I need to be more than just my talent.

All it takes is:
"One breath, one step
is keeping me here
I've nothing left
and nothing to fear

I've come too far now..."

On a completely separate note, the song "Second Chance" by Shinedown also resonated deeply today.



The point of the song, the differences between oneself and his parents is shown so distinctly in the video. It's a provoking thought. The idea that we need to be separated from the things that hold us back to move forward. Sadly for the girl in the video it was her parents. But for me as well I see the need to separate from my parents. I don't need a second chance as much as I need a fresh life. I have lived under the wing of my parents for so long, but I have not had a chance to make the tough choices I need to make to be independent. I need to lead my own path. I need to find that job not because my parents want me to get a job but because I want to get that job. I'm thinking of creating a goal book. A way to remind me of the ultimate goals I yearn for.

But in all of life's craziness and self-introspection I guess we just need to have fun sometimes. I guess I just need to segregate my serious and stressful parts of my life from my free and exciting parts. Life is coming together - finally.

Subdued

I don't want to be a party pooper. But I enter that room and immediately am immersed in the revelry. Truth and dare. Hormones flying like crazy. Who knows who kissed who. But I just don't really care. Not very interested. Sure it's sort of exciting for a moment, but it just fades. And then it's my turn. I immediately say truth, but of course that's too boring because there's nothing i'm hiding. So alas I become part of the teenage craziness. They do things. And I become prudish. Maybe I need to drink or do some pot. But I like to keep my dignity. I may not do these fun things, but I could be happy without having to. I hear about so many teenagers who lose themselves getting wasted. They totally have a fun time, but they are tainted by the drugs, alcohol, and horniness. My parents could care less about me kissing girls or even drinking a little here and there, but I don't. I believe in choices. I want to remain somewhat pure. I don't condone or condemn the actions of my friends. It's how they lead their lives. And if I'm a party pooper because I don't like to party the way my friends do, then they'll just have to live with that.

Friends are the most important thing in my life. I have lost many friends thanks to circumstances outside my control like moves. I hold my friends very dear to my heart even more importantly than my family. But how do I have real friends without being the people pleaser I am? I don't want to change myself to be friends with people. I don't want to lose friends because I am too stubborn, disgruntled, or self-centered. Who do I become? How do I make those friends that are really important to my life? I have a few. I have friends I can trust with my life. And those friends are infinitely more important than the many shallow friendships I have in my student gov and debate organizations. I suppose we have to give and take. We have to let in our friends to our souls and they have to do the same. We have to change a little for our friends and they have to conform a little to our ideals. But what makes a real friendship is when you can accept your friend entirely for who they are, flaws and glories altogether.

It's with these special friends, the ones who I can trust who I can really have fun with. I am not as subdued with these friends. I can be open and just have a wonderful time without having to organize a game or event. These are the friends who I can be spontaneous with. The friends I can talk to without talking. The friends who I can fight with and argue against and our friendships only strengthen positively. I am so glad to have these friends. I have a few that are friendships unlike any I have ever had. I know I will keep these friends close. I won't forget them. If they hide I will find them. And I will do my best to hold our friendship together.

Often I think I have done something wrong. But today I am actually proud of myself for once. I did the right things. Sort of. I made mistakes. I fought with a friend. Stubbornly refused to talk and then discussed deep thoughts and became even closer as friends. But I did not allow emotions to overrun and taint or destroy that friendship. And even though I didn't have total fun at the party I let myself out a little and still kept my self-respect. I didn't do anything wrong really. But maybe I need to make more mistakes to get better.

"One More Chance" Bloc Party



Fav band from Britain. It's about making up for mistakes and trying to go back and fix them. But I want to make those mistakes. In the long-run the small but sometimes strenuous mistakes make us only wiser. We cannot change unless we know what to change.

If We Keep Trying, Keep Believing, and Keep Caring...

Sometimes we can find astonishing results. Always have faith in possibility of a brighter and better future. And if it doesn't come right now like the twitters or facebook chats and so on, then just breathe and keep trying, believing, and caring.

Carly Fleischman had no chance. She is autistic. Everyone from doctors to family assumed she would be mentally retarded and never lead much of a life. However very little is understood about autism. And when Carly began to type eleven years after her birth she revealed that she was just a typical Canadian teenager.

Please watch these videos, read the story, and be amazed at the human spirit.

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/MindMoodNews/story?id=8258204&page=1

Never give up hope. Never stop trying. And most of all never stop caring.

Fleeting

Life goes by so quickly. We have so many chances to make mistakes. At least I have made them. I finally finished my drawing class. I learned a lot and my final drawing while not inspirationally beautiful was surprisingly good. Even though I got a B+ or A- I still feel proud that I faced my obstacles and went outside my comfort zone with the drawing class. For once, I accomplished much today. P.E. is also done. I could have probably put more effort into both of these summer courses; I could have kept track of my training or drawn more often. But I didn't. I took the chance. I didn't put all my effort into these classes. Partly because it wasn't that crucial and partly because I wanted to be different.

I could have done a lot more this summer. Now there is only about a week left for me to actually do something. Get a job. Figure out my school plans and senior portraits. Study for the ACT. Write college apps. Read. Accomplish my list of summer goals. Climb mountains. Learn something. Make a difference in the community. I can feel the pressure mounting. I see the days fly by. How can I do it all? Obviously I won't be able to do everything. But I can get a lot done. I have a week, which means I have time to plan this out and still do everything. Make that final push.

For years I have had everything I want. I haven't struggled. My parents have been wonderful to me. I go to a superb school (if only my friends recognized that and would stop complaining about how pitiful how school is compared to Bellevue). I live in a safe community and have a large house with a spacious living space. Life is perfect. But it destroys me. I have been spoiled for so long that I cannot cope with reality and the necessities of my future. I need money. Not at the moment, but I will need it in one year. I need to learn normal things like cooking. I need to be able to handle all the stresses without depending on everyone around me. I need to become more independent.

I see a lot of people whom I aspire to be. But often I compare myself to others and become self-depracating. Although I may not be as amazing as some people I know, I can move towards that ideal. But I always yearn to be exactly and perfectly like that ideal, which is just impossible. I want to be everything so often. Perhaps I need to change my perspective. Listen to the following song and maybe you'll realize my thought process.

"Everything You Want" Vertical Horizon



(by the way, my message has nothing to do with a guy or a girl, it's about the idea of idealizing a perfect individual)

Passion

Change the world. Be the person to stand up and make that difference. Deliver your inner being and soul. Everyone has it within them. Some people put passion into religion, love, music, justice, law, crime, or money. I have a passion for improving people's lives. I have a passion for true love. It's when we have passion that we become people who are doers. It is amazing what we can do if we just care. If we give energy.

But let's also remember to care about the people around us. Remember to talk to your friends. Remember to listen to their feelings. Remember to open yourself up to people to let them know you can be trusted. Remember to console and to cheer. Remember to look out the window at night or to think about that girl or guy who you always disregarded. Life is never simple. But if we have passion we can accomplish anything. Just don't forget to check your blindspots.

"Driveway" - Great Northern



"Did you have a thought oh
Did you remember what
And if we go sailing down the old oh front
Did you have a thought
Did you remember what
Did you write a letter
Did you not forget her"

Lackluster

Currently I sit here. I've been on this computer for probably 70-80% of my day and the more I type the more I remain trapped within its realm. I have done college searches and brainstormed ideas to change the world. I have drawn my sister horribly and I have played computer games. I have sorted through books and set up my schedule for the next week. I have managed to do a lot in a rather short amount of time. I am proud of myself, just a little.

For a while now, I have been going with the flow. I have allowed life to push me around. I mean its summer and I thought it would be interesting to see what would happen if I let go and allowed life to lead. But it sucks. It just isn't me. I cannot sit here in lassitude. I need to do something with me life. I need to escape outdoors and climb mountains. I must finish some college, scholarship, and job applications. I need to finish up my list of goals. I need to help my community. If only if only. I wish I could do it all. But it's okay if I don't do everything. With the weather the way it is, it will be difficult to go to a glacial waterslide and fully enjoy it. But I can twist and bend my goals so that I still accomplish something but without losing its essence.

It's time to take the lead. To be in charge of my life. To get some sleep. To be in control of me and my path, while allowing life to throw it's perils and surprises. I think my relationship with life is starting to find some compromise and even a bit of a rapport. What a surprise.

Curveballs

Life always throws us surprises. We live in spontanaeity. We live for passion. We thrive in exhilaration. Sometimes we just need to step out of our safety shells and be someone who we never imagined possible. We love to go on with life the way we normally do. And I completely understand how people with difficult and challenging lives would just want some calm and normalcy. But for me with my mundane lifestyle sometimes I really need to get outside of my box.

I need to be more spontaneous. Live in the moment. Enjoy life. That's my problem. All I've been doing here is worrying about life. Worrying about my future. Too concerned to even remember that it's summer. I completely forgot to go outside when it was sunny. I was too worried about my melancholy self-pity that I didn't enjoy the moment. What if we all just broke loose a bit? I could probably confess my love. Or dance crazily on the streets. Greet a homeless fellow. Start a musical instrument. Apply for a job. Climb a mountain. Go to a party. Be a little sketchy. Support a cause. Go to a hospital. Talk to the elderly. Destroy something. Explode something else. Skinny dip. Learn to surf. Take a mud bath. Try a new food.

That's all we need, a little spontaneous thinking and faith in ourselves, each other, and God.

"Hammers and Strings (A Lullaby)" Jack's Mannequin



"Give me something to believe in, a breath from the breathing"

Break Me Out

I guess that's one skill I need to work on. I wish I was more tactful. But I'm okay with being a little less tactful than the other people I know. I went to a party today and although I am friends with the people, I am not that close to all of them. They also go to far more parties than I do and are definitely not as anti-social, blissfully innocent, and nerdy as me. I mean they share some of my interests but I just don't have the same chemistry with those friends as I do with others. But that's mostly cause I don't know them very well and it takes me a long time to get loose with people.

I guess that's a good quality. I don't give myself away too easily. I always thought I did. I mean, look at this blog. But in reality I don't go out in the world and get crazy. It could be bad, but in a way it's also good. I need to just relax at a party and enjoy myself instead of being awkward, and tonight I was a mixture of both. But that's okay. I learned through osmosis.

One of the most frustrating parts of the party was the constant talk of boyfriends and girlfriends. Gosh, I think I've talked enough about how I want that in my life too, but alas, I am single. And I continue to ban myself from any relationships as I will do for the rest of the year. It would be wonderful to have some short summer fling, but I need to just focus. I really want to have the romantic relationship. But it's one thing I just can't do at the moment. However I'm always going to keep my mind and heart open to the girls who enter my world. Love will come I assume haphazardly, and at some point I will make an effort myself, but I think I need to wait.

Anyways, I know that I am ready for the world. I am going to free myself up a bit. Be a little more loose. Portray a friendlier demeanor. Intensely concentrate on my goals. Then escape into the freedoms of music, friends, and relaxation. Life is great. And I think I am heading towards a more fulfilling one. I think I can find that happiness that will sustain my energies.

"Break Me Out" The Rescues



Freedom.
From unhappiness.
From lassitude.
From self-pity.
From heartlessness.
From irrationality.
From fear.

What do you want to be free from?

Faded Hope

Hopelessness seems to pervade. Even though today was a wonderful day with the passage of Judge Sotomayor and no drawing class (the dreadful weather was an exception), I still felt depressed and lethargic. I've decided I am either truly sick physically or mentally. I can change. But I don't know how to sustain the short bursts of energetic action that I have randomly throughout the day. Life presents many insurmountable challenges and usually I am excited to face them. But recently I have just not been enthusiastic to face the obstacles. I feel lazy and disappointing. I really want to accomplish something, but I haven't done enough.

But I have an idea for a solution:
-Thoughtfulness: Through music and meditation I will be encouraged and more focused. I can channel my divisive energies into my goals and dreams, while also sparking innovation through thought.

-Rest: Sleep is paramount to my abilities. I cannot do well unless I get more sleep.

-Plan: If I set up a list of easy to accomplish goals I will slowly, but steadily climb that ladder.

-Friendship: Contact with my friends will help me find the propulsion to keep going when I have difficult climbing that ladder of goals.

-Reward: After my hard work and effort I deserve a reward that will not be too much, but enough to encourage further perseverance.

Of course, it isn't that simple. And no plan will cure my flaws instantly or even quickly. As long as I remember that I don't have to go forward in perfection I can accept this plan and modify it as time goes on. It will be tough. It will be challenging. However I know I have the fire within me to shoot for the stars.

"Hold Tight" Valentyne Krush



I heard it on a Famous Footwear commercial and instantly was entranced.

Humanity is Silly

Humans are inefficient. We waste so much time and energy. Why don't we just do what we are told? Why do we criminalize some people but not others? What's the point of all these emotions that we have that hold us back and create resentment? Emotions make us so weary. We burden ourselves we thoughts of love and passion. We sympathize and we yearn for vengeance. We grow tired, depressed, and even insane. We find pleasure and joy instead of diligently leading sedulous routines.

But without the wastefulness, without the emotion, we wouldn't be the humans that make us so amazing. Just think about it. Despite all the damage we have done to the planet we have accomplished so much. We have built towering and majestic skyscrapers. Climbed high peaks and mapped the globe. Created beautiful art from our hands and developed astounding technologies from our minds. Innovation and creativity have made us successful and are the only reason we live. If we were just robotic and mundane creatures we would not be able to the solve the problems we have created. Thus there is hope. Hope that our ability to create and invent will lead to a better world.

Some people are content with the routine way of life. But I am not. I want excitement, struggle, joy, success. I want to earn my success. I want to go through the pain and labors of the many faces of my country. People don't seem to understand why I love Berkeley because of its homeless people. I know it sounds odd and it isn't my only reason for loving Berkeley. But it allows me to peer into the lives of other people and understand the world around me more. I don't want the simplicity and dullness of a suburb or the "perfect" college where I will be "contented" with my life. I know I won't be contented and that understanding brings me contentment.

And currently my discontentment is centered around love and passion. I want to have my passion back. I want to care, but I seem to have lost it somewhere or somehow. But I will find it. I need to care. I need to have the energy that pushes me forward when I am struggling. All the while, I yearn for love and to be loved. Friendship brings so much but I want to just spend time with someone special. I want to devote myself to someone. I want to discover the sparks and the fury. I only wish I could find that fuel to propel me; where is it?

"Chasing Cars" Snow Patrol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ajy0w1XPJk8

The ultimate waste of time: chasing cars and desensitizing the world.
Wonderful.

Clarity, Enunciation, Impact

Clarity
Today I drew a rocking chair covered by a wrinkled set of towels in drawing class. As I stepped back to view my artwork, I realized particularly in comparison to the other artists around me, that I was not very clear between my different shades and tones. It reminds me of how I live my life. I tend to be unclear. I don't like to take a side, although I pretend that I like too. I usually live in a state of blended moderation and compromise. And then everything looks gray.

Enunciation
My drawing lacked definition. The lines were not very bold and the details were not eye-catching. And similar to my life, I do not try very hard to define myself. I try to appease the varying personalities and opinions I deal with, but I never really act on my own accord. I seem to be vanishing away.

Impact
The one thing I noticed the most in my drawing was a lack of impact. Nothing that popped. You couldn't see the effort I put in because it was only lackluster. It was not bad, but not great. Not even one detail stood out. I am so faint and cautious. I don't thrust my energy forward and then I have all this time late at night when I am tired, but not tired enough. Even when I exercise I don't give it my all.

I want to do something with my life. I'm so exhausted of being in this state of depressing wandering. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to become better. How can so many other people live with so much happiness? Why can't I? Why don't I have energy anymore? Why?

Maybe it's just me. If I have realized anything I realize that I am not easily contented. I understand why people like the suburbs, but maybe I want the danger and excitement of the city. In the suburbs you don't have to worry about anything, but people worry no matter what. Thus in the suburbs we start to create our own worries, become insane, and end up miserable.

Well, people like me...

"Move Along" All American Rejects

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SQg-TzmAr0

Basically my favorite video ever. And the song is one of my favorites. It just keeps me going when I'm in the doldrums.

Every Day

"Every Day" - Ten Second Epic



Every day, another one wasted
Every day, you get up and face it
Every day is a chance for redemption
Every day, every day

You said, time moves fast but you're still staying in park
As every chance takes off, you don't depart
But it's just the defense
For all the moments that name and define what we do
Well how about you?
We're all scared of breaking though

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

These lyrics make a point. For the past three days I have worked. I did give myself a break on Saturday evening to hang out with my friends, but that was a disaster. While the magician was quite entertaining the first few minutes and even a bit after that, he never left! One of my friends loves magic, and everyone else was enjoying the show, but I just wanted to chat with my friends. And the magic incessantly went on. By the time we were done with dinner, the magician had spent about 3/4 of the time with us and we barely had time to talk. So it wasn't exactly my type of relaxation and fun.

Anyways, I enjoyed the sunset afterwords from the Highlands, but it just sort of made me sad. I went and saw the stars again, but all the way in Preston (actually not as far as it seems). I talked about my love life, but it only made me more saddened. I'm glad to have good friends. Thank goodness for friends, but I really want love. I need closure with one friend. I want to do something with my life. But instead I just trudge along with my drawing and my dull trivialities. I haven't really had much contact with people I care about in the past two days, so I guess I'm getting a little emotional. But I just feel so empty. I see the sky and I wonder what type of life I am leading.

I felt so miserable coming home today to find out I had an A- in drawing class. That isn't bad at all. I do feel good about that grade considering my abilities, but I just want an A like I would get at an art class at school. However at the community college I am actually learning something. But nonetheless I was still heartbroken by my grade. Yes it seems pathetic and puerile, but to me there is nothing else out there. I mean I do my extracurriculars and leadership positions, but I have spent so much time this summer devoted to this class, so much effort painstakingly spent on these messy drawing that I feel a pit in my stomach when I learn that all I am getting is an A-. Grades are so important to me. It's what I'm good at. I'm good at following the system. So when I can't succeed at the one thing I always trust myself to succeed in that's like a star gymnast being unable to make it through her routine or a fisherman not catching enough for his family. I know it seems extreme, but this is my skill. It's what I'm good at. But I can't even do well in what I am good at.

However I will not let this drag me down. As the song states, every day, you get up and face it/every day is a chance for redemption. So when I wake up tomorrow, I very well know that I will face my challenges and I have my chance at redemption. I can do it, but the question is will I? I can't let fear drag me down, I can't stay in park, I must overcome my fears and take that first step. That first small step that shakes up the dust. That first small step that changes my path.

That first small step that leads to another.

What is this world coming to?

I was shocked to learn about the news. In Tel-Aviv one of the most liberal cities in the world and definitely in Israel, a man shot fifteen gay and lesbian teens and two have died. These were just teens my age who were discussing the hardships of their sexuality. It wasn't a gay bar or a party or anything, but a group of teens going through a sort of thought talk together where they could openly discuss their sexuality in freedom and safety. The place doesn't even have a sign, so the gunman knew where he was going. This is despicable. I thought our world was moving forward, but people are still hateful. People are still ignorant. Even if you don't agree with gay rights or gay marriage, you don't have to kill them! What kind of world do we live in?

Story from BBC
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/8180173.stm

I want to change the world. I want the world to be a safe and welcoming place for all peoples. I don't want to see this ugly discrimination and open hatred. It is so utterly preposterous that in the twenty-first century we still discriminate against anyone. And why cannot gays have equal marriage rights or the same discirmination protections as other minorities. No person deserves discrimination based on anything. It is completely unfair and barbaric. We need to become a better world. And even though this was in Israel (which is very shocking for me considering my background) it represents all of the hatred that perpetuates in this country. It is subtle but pervasive and it needs to change.

I want to make a difference. I will donate my time and effort towards helping GLBT receive their deserved equal rights. I cannot stand the way our nation is at the moment; change must occur. And it is our generation that will need to stand up and fight. We need to protest. We need to advocate for equal rights. We need to speak out for the environment. We need to send a message that we want better healthcare. We can make a difference, but we need to speak out. I am ready to go out in the world and make a change. I hope I can succeed. I hope we can succeed.

Stars

Tonight I lied on my lawn and engulfed myself in the perpetual glory of the stars. Each star is so brilliant and so large, yet we can only see them as tiny specks at night. Yet as I absorbed the entirety of it all, stretching my neck to seek out all the stars of the night sky, I realized that there is so much I cannot see. I cannot see the half of the stars that are only visible from the Southern Hemisphere or the stars blocked by the trees and the hill above my house. I cannot feel the intense heat of those stars or sense the planets that may surround them. I cannot see the possible civilizations and lifeforms that may lie distantly from our Earth in one of those other solar systems. I cannot see even the planets of our solar system or the satellites that cover our atmosphere. But despite all this I was able to see a lot. And if I were in another part of the world I would see a completely different perspective.

That's what the stars are all about: perspective. I may not be able to see everything. Similarly I won't be able to learn everything that mankind has developed over thousands of years. But I can understand so much of it. Like the stars I can focus on a particular star or constellations, or I can just watch the entirety of it all. But if I just move to another place or look at it all in a different mindset what I absorb can change completely. It's okay that I won't be able to know every perspective to the full grasp possible. I know there are limits, but my opportunities and dreams can be limitless. I know I can't understand every star inside and out, and in the same way I cannot understand every subject and every person and every life situation inside and out. There will always be unknowns, new discoveries, and tough decisions, but without those challenges life would be dismal.

The stars remind me to remember who I want to be. I wrote this down a while ago while at space camp:
Who I Want to Be
confident, motivated, decisive, calm
tactful, yet quirky and unique
kind, yet not a people pleaser
real
I have a person inside my head who I know I want to be.
A person who knows who he is and comfortable to be himself.
A person who is forward and determined.
A person who is thoughtful and wise.
A person who is fun and amiable.
I don't want to change everything I just want to stop perpetuating my depressing and ridiculous behavior. I want to stop being afraid.

And on a completely different note, watch this video and tell me if this kid seems way too young to be rapping like this.

"One Time" Justin Bieber.



Think.