Why Can't I?/Wow I'm Pathetic

I have only two days until I leave for New York. And I feel as if I will never be able to accomplish anything. So many people have gotten somewhere with their lives.

Completing college applications.
Organizing concerts for the benefit of the hungry.
Training for cross country or other sports.
Helping the community.
Working and getting paid.
Going places and learning new things.
Taking senior photographs.

So many things are being done. I watch so many people accomplish things. They don't fret too much over stuff, instead they do. The act. They make their aspirations realizations. Why can't I?

And the problem is I know I can. I climbed that mountain yesterday and saw that beautiful view. I felt accomplished. I felt that I had gotten somewhere. But when I came back down to the reality of school I just felt diminished. Nothing can take away all the effort I put forth for that hike and the reward of that awesome view. Nothing can take away my spirit. Nothing can take away my vigor. And so, I search for divine inspiration. Some sign. Some path. I feel incredibly lost. I want to hike that rigorous trail, but I can't find it. And even if it isn't clear I don't even know where I am going. I wish I had some simple answer. Or I wish I could divest my time and energy into a single goal and point. But life isn't a simple trail. Life is a relentless forest without any cleared trails (unless you inherit money or something). So I guess I will have to put my passion forth to cutting away the underbrush and moving forward the way I know best. Goalsetting and goalaccomplishing.

And which math class do I choose? That will be my challenge for decision-making. Oh and I must find the time to make that dream book I've been dreaming to create.

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Wow... I took a break to get a new song, and then I realized...

Look at the title of my post. Read what I've written. It's so self-centered. All of this is. It's me complaining about how sad and pathetic my wonderful and easy suburban life is. I should cherish it. I should not be whining about it. I should use my energy that I receive from my easy access to food, water, and shelter for the benefit of the world. If anything I need to do that involves myself I need to meditate and think hard about the way I'm leading my life. I've been complaining for so long about my lack of energy and enthusiasm. So what? There are bigger things in life. I've been worrying over my schedule and how pitiful it is that I can't get what I want. But that's life. That's God's message to me. I'm totally losing focus towards my dreams. I dream of being someone who helps to make the world a better place. But how can I do that if all I care about is my self. I really need to step outside my box. I really need to just accept what God has given me. I may not have gotten the position I wanted for JSA. But I can turn that into something great. I may not have gotten my requested schedule, but I can take charge.

It's not about fighting the establishment or fitting in with it. It's not about twisting the world to match my ways. It's about leading a life with a purpose. It's about being thoughtful of humanity. It's about living beyond myself. I'm ashamed for these past two days of relentless self-pity and laziness. I've become so self-centered that I've forgotten the core of it all. I've worried so much about the little side steps to the dream that I've forgotten the dream. I've compared myself to others only to make me feel some sort of ironic sympathy.

Sometimes I wish people would give me a slap in the face when I am veering towards selfishness.

"If Everyone Cared" - Nickelback



"Amen I'm alive."
Now I need to "swallow my pride."