Facebook.... Ouch

I have been spending some time on Facebook, maybe too much time. I looked at some photos from someone's summer experiences and I was shocked. One of my best friends had a spectacular birthday bash several months ago and I wasn't there. I'm hoping I was invited and unable to attend, but I don't think so. Even so it brings up misery. I try so hard to fit in with this group of friends. They are all musically inclined, and I'm not. They're mostly Asian and I'm only half. They are generally perfectionists and went to a different middle school. I want to be one of them. They are so close. They do so many things together. If they plan something they always invite each other.

I love the feeling of being invited. And the worst part of all this is that I have been invited in the past to people's things and I haven't been proud. I always take for granted the friends who accept me and care about me, while yearning for what I don't have. I just can't believe one of my best friends wouldn't have me at a birthday thing. I feel left out and ostracized. Is it my skin color? My interests? My lack of intelligence?

And the weirdest part is that I am treated so differently with different friends. My friends from middle school who I share little in common with other than shared experience are accepting and always call me the "genius kid." They know me as that kid who won that competition in middle school. They always treat me as some higher person. But even then I am not imbedded in their group. I don't share as many experiences as they do with each other. I'm slightly left out just because I don't live near them.

With my newer friends who I've met in the past three years (now such a long time!) I have had a clean slate. They have not known me as the smarty pants. In fact they already have their labels for their smarty pants. So when I hang with them I almost have to prove myself. And I try so hard. In fact I think I've devoted so much time to being a good friend to these people that I've allowed my grades and knowledge to slip. How much learning have I lost to be accepted by my peers?

And then there are the people I take for granted. The friends I always forget. The ones who invite me and I almost try to avoid it. I guess I must be a little likable if they want to invite me to their things. But it's almost too easy. I hate easy. I like challenges. I don't need to put much energy into these friendships. I just need to be myself. And the weird part about that is that it makes sense, yet I don't want that.

I guess the moral of all this is that I don't need to appease anyone. I don't need to be someone elses stereotype or portrait. I'm going to be friends with the people I care about and I am going to be myself. I am not going to be bullied around or pushed into obstacles to make friendships. I know my close friends and I am going to devote my time and energy directly towards them. While it may hurt to not go to that party, I guess I just have to live with it. One day I'll be invited. But perhaps I just need to change my focus to what I love: learning.

"I Don't Care" - Apocalyptica ft. Adam Gontier