Connect

I am supposed to connect to the audience in my college app essays. The admissions counselors searching for a unique individual who would be a good fit for the school. What is that supposed to mean? How do I convey my entire life and passion for a college in less than 500 words? How do I tell UW how badly I want to participate in the opportunities offered by the honors college without sounding desperate? How do I show the University of California that my dream is to sit beneath the eucalyptus and make a difference under the glorious sun when I only have 1000 words and they are currently all bragging about my talents. I need to find a way to use my time wisely to focus on these apps, but I have no idea how I can better show these colleges the reason I want to go. They are so crucial to my entrance, but I feel like they do not show my love of life, activism, social change, and the environment. Maybe I'm not the person I think I am.

I feel like I am a communication failure. How on earth can other people communicate so well? I am the slowest texter on Earth. I freak out so easily and show it so often. I have lost all my reputation through my disreputable unreliability and innumerable mistakes that I never seem to learn from. Maybe I have ADD or something. Or some crippling mental disorder that makes me overemotional, irrational, and impossible to communicate with. I try so hard to be my ideal, but I never seem to show the side of me I want people to know about. I seem to screw everything up.

I wish I could put a smile on my face and feel better about myself. But maybe I don't want to feel better about myself. I wish I could just change. I feel so selfish and miserable, yet my life is so wonderful. I have a living and healthy family. I live a posh lifestyle in the suburbs. I haven't gone through much suffering. I have been so afraid to look out at the world and take risks until recently. And now that I am taking so much risk, I feel engulfed, but I haven't had a chance to reflect on all the new opportunities that have occurred in my life.

There is no easy route. In fact I had a bit of a realization today while "tutoring" at Kumon. After all those packets that some kids do I realized how satisfying it can be to get through the slog and complete the goal. And as miserable as a Kumon math or reading packet may be, to get through it, to persevere and to last to feel that emotion of fulfillment is powerful. Even if my college apps are filled with imperfections (perhaps that's who I am) I want them to know the real me and I want to just have that feeling of submitted.

And then I hope that I can be accepted.

Dreams. Life for them. Die for them. And be them.

Gattaca