Thanksgiving Eve

Thanksgiving is my favorite non-Jew holiday. I love the food. I love the family gatherings (even though I've never had a real one). I love being gracious.

Today was weird. I feel so out of it. I am alive, but am I really? I feel like I am in a coma sometimes and that I don't even notice all the time that is passing by. But maybe it's because reality and stress have become so inherent in my life that I am drunk on it. I am overwhelmed constantly. I am stressed out every day. I am stressed out every minute. I feel it in my mind. I feel it in my hands. I feel the nervous energy running down my spine. I feel it when talking to even my closest friends. I worry, I freak out, I don't seem to be able to control myself.

I live in fear. I live in fear of failure. I am afraid of speaking in class because I don't want to make any mistakes. I am afraid of being friends with people because I don't want to fail them. I am afraid of just doing things because I don't believe I can.

I keep asking myself that perhaps I am just flat out unintelligent. I mean I can't really solve complex problems without help from others; I'm just really good at gathering all that information other's teach me and spitting it back out. I'm slow at learning and slow just generally. At work I fear the wrath of my boss and her threats to replace the workers who are too slow and inaccurate. I fear the martial arts instructor bogging down on me for not understanding the form. Or the parents for bad grades in Stats. Or the class council for my laziness leading the auction. Or just the entire world for being me.

I know that I am supposed to challenge myself to be who I want to be, but sometimes I feel like every time I challenge myself I become even more miserable. I am not reaping the benefits of these challenges at all. They just weigh down on me. I need to get past the immediate emotions, but I don't find fulfillment anywhere anymore. I don't even know what drives me really. Why do I work at a place I hate? Or do activities that burden me? Why do I avoid social activities for college apps? I set myself up for this path, but do I really need to do so?

Pathetic: that's how I feel. Hopelessly pathetic.

I'm on a train going 100 mph and I ran off the tracks years ago, but I never stopped to look where I was going. Sometimes I wish I could start all over. I could have tried that much harder in freshman year. I could have tried that much harder last first semester. I could have opened my mind earlier in my life. Could it be that I am just a lower species compared to the rest of the human race? Do I really belong with everyone else? Or am I truly inferior?

That's it, I'm really just lost and confused.

I am thankful for the ability to even think about these things. I think I am overthinking it all, but I wouldn't know unless I had pen and paper or this wonderful macbook.

"Here Goes Nothing" - Never Shout Never