California Dreamin'

"Congratulations! I am pleased to offer you admission to the University of California, Berkeley for Fall 2010!"

It's crazy. My life has been about Berkeley for years. And I have been accepted. Accepted. Accepted. ACCEPTED!

It's so weird when you actually fulfill a dream. I mean yeah, I can't go because of the money, but it is so amazing to know that yes, I can be a Cal Golden Bear.

So thank you for accepting me today Berkeley. I'll be coming back to you in four years, just wait!

My head is spinning in craziness and joy; felt that this song was appropriate.

"Spinning" - Jack's Mannequin

The Danger of Reflection

I breathe in through my nose. I exhale as if every pulse of air out my lungs is an entire minute. The sun has set. Darkness has fallen. My laptop has opened like a secret briefcase filled with children's toys. I pull up the music and entertain my ears. I breathe again, even slower. Every finger I type I feel the push of my skin against the smooth, yet artificial skin of the keyboard. I look back at that scholarship application I should be doing. My head starts to ache some more. I flip to the Japanese cultural portfolio I should be doing. My head hurts more. I feel the stress hormones infiltrating me, suffocating me. All the stress feels like when warm hands are wrapped around me neck and squeeze at martial arts. I try to escape, but my brain stops thinking. My mind forgets how to function. The words that exit my mouth are like mothballs. All I can do is react. And I make so many mistakes.

I am so tired of allowing stress to choke me. It suffocates me so much. And then when I look back on all the stress that blankets me I become depressed. Stress debilitates me. It stops me from succeeding, heck it stops me from doing anything. I spent eight hours yesterday on the computer. I don't even know how I spent eight hours online doing NOTHING. I can add up a few sporcle games, but they must have only been ten minutes total. Yet in the end I spent eight hours. I feel like I have been drunk on stress. It really makes my mind stop. And when I am free from it, all I can do it hate myself even more. And I fall more behind, and I stress out. And my brain stops thinking. And I finally have to get stuff done. And when I am finally going to bed and my stresses start to melt, I hate myself again.

I never seem to be able to break my cycle. I never seem to be able to handle anything more than the basic. I have no pride. I have no hope. Yet I am foolishly dreamy and arrogant.

My mom is probably right. I just apply to Stanford and all these other schools just because I think I am better than everyone else.

I catch glimpses of hope. There are small pieces of joy. I cling to them. People wonder why I cling so much to my friendships. But I guess they don't realize how much those friendships keep me alive. I just need someone right now. But I feel so alone.

It's not until I stop to think that I realize how long it's been since I have had a meaningful conversation with anybody. I get so caught up in the stress of everything I do. I feel like I have forgotten how to be a good friend. Today I was talking to a good friend of mine and I just felt no connection at all, as if she didn't want to talk to me because I was so stressed out, as if I was a chore. People tell me to stop stressing out, but I just don't know how. It comes so quickly, and I just can't stop myself at all. It makes me feel so inept and backwards. I can't believe how pathetic I am sometimes.

I guess I just feel like I am losing everyone around me. I don't know what is wrong with me, but my friendships seem to be slipping away from me and I am all alone in this frozen abyss. Loneliness is so painful.

I want a fresh start. But I also want to reconcile all these loose ends before time runs out.

"Miss America" - Something Corporate

Returning to Me

I think I am slowly becoming me again. I still feel insecure and so afraid of life. But there is so much I can do to live as myself.

This weekend was easy. I really didn't get much done that would make my life spectacular. Nevertheless, the baby steps really make a difference in my self-esteem. Today I was trying to practice self-control with my computer. I am limiting my time online a little. Not enough to make life perfect, but yet again those baby steps are encouraging. I only have 60 push-ups to do as punishment for playing games (20 push-ups per transgression!).

Today I went to the Seattle Asian Art Museum to view art for my Japanese class. Afterward I sneaked a detour through the Madison Valley and down Lake Washington Blvd. I witnessed all the beautiful homes with views of the lakefront in one of the most diverse neighborhoods in Seattle. If I had to still live here, I definitely would aspire for some kind of community like that. Every place we are in, there is hope and there is spirit. If we want change, we have to be brave. If we are too afraid, we have to find happiness in the moment. And every once in a while God will nudge us one way or the other. And other times we land in unexpected, unexplainable situations and places.

I can do this! I can live!

"Diane, the Skyscraper" - Jack's Mannequin

The Dream

My therapist once told me to dream. Write it all out, every day. I did that for a few weeks and I felt like my path was clearer. Now I am older and more mature, but I still believe that a clear dream can make life so much more meaningful.

I have a dream:

-go to college, the college of my dreams. whatever that may be.
-be in California in the sunshine near the ocean
-do something I love for work
-spend lots of time outside
-learn a lot
-explore the world
-be freely myself
-find love
-help the world
-have great friends

I feel like I have so much of my dream. I sort of just cling to that one part about California so much. Recently I have felt really depressed because I feel like my dream of Berkeley is out of reach. It probably is right now. But why does my dream have to come true in six months? I guess I am so used to getting what I want in my suburban, upper-middle class lifestyle, that I just expect my dreams to come true instantaneously. Perhaps God is trying to teach me a lesson about life. Real life is not as easy as it has seemed in my callow childhood. The reality is much more intense. But if we cannot come to grips with reality we will be perpetually unhappy. I guess finding the balance between dreaming and living is difficult, but I definitely need to stop worrying about my inability to follow my dreams, and start leading a wonderful life.

LIFE. If only I could be truly free here. I am so excited for a new start. I am so excited for the rest of this year. I will be in Hawaii in one week for goodness sake! I have some of the best friends in the world. I've been accepted to 4 colleges, all of which I will be happy to go to. I have a job interview next Tuesday. I have learned so much about myself and the world this year. Although I have so many internal doubts and fears, my life is pretty awesome. I might as well embrace it!

"You Can Breathe" - Jack's Mannequin

Simplicity

My life is so cluttered. Less is more.

"Dear Miami" - Roisin Murphy

The Masters of My Identity

At work today, my boss labeled me as "inappropriate" because I made a comment as I was moving a kid to another table without really thinking that he needed some individual help. I guess I shouldn't have made such a judgment call because I am not trained although I have been tutoring kids for 4 years. I was following every rule in the book at work, exactly as my boss likes, and she even complimented me earlier in the day about how closely I follow the rules. And then she goes ballistic because this one kid was struggling with his work and I thought he needed extra help. I told her that I was doing everything on the recommendations as she requested and then she says that I should have asked her for help. Well, whenever I asked her for advice with my work in the past I was always accused of being substandard or being manipulated by the students. She never believed there was anything I could do. I hate people like her who see everything in black and white. She deems me a failure only because I could not get one kid to do his work fast enough. I feel no respect, but I don't even know if I deserve any.

What makes you you? I feel like at work I am a spoiled, stupid, bratty, whiny, substandard, low life because my boss has such high expectations and I never meet them. I start to believe that this is my identity, but it scares me. Am I really that horrible? These are the people who really batter my self-esteem, but do I deserve any self-esteem? Am I that horrible of a person that I don't deserve any self-respect?

I feel like I cannot judge character very well. I feel like I should believe my boss wholeheartedly because she is my superior. She is an adult. But I can't help but feel like the amount of pressure and stress I endure to meet the expectations at my workplace is unrealistic and unnecessary. I am starting to believe that the rest of life cannot be any better than my mundane world at work, but I feel like there is much more happiness in the world than that.

I just cannot fathom whether it is my boss or me. Am I the immoral, inept, incapable person? Who the heck am I? I can't seem to fit into this world at all. I feel so excluded from student government because I am not social enough. I feel so excluded from the nerds because I am not intelligent enough. I feel so excluded at work because I fail to meet expectations. I feel so excluded at home because I am too calm. I feel so excluded from some of my friends because I am too quiet. I feel so excluded from other friends because I am too loud. I feel so excluded from the people of the world because I am so wealthy. I feel excluded from the opportunities of life because I am too poor. I feel excluded from every group. I don't know what I am good at, what I am proud of, or what I even care about.

WHO AM I?

"Hole In My Heart" - Alphabeat

Runaway

I've been wondering so much about my future lately.

California is my dream. I have been fighting for that for a long time now. It might not happen next year. It might not become my reality as quickly as I expected. Yet I am happy.

It's easy to run away from problems. It's simple to escape. I have hoped to leave Issaquah for so long because I feel so out-of-place here often. But California won't be my salvation. I can't just leave my city and expect my life to be better. The same goes for friendships. You can't just make new friends and expect better friendships. Life does get better with new faces, new places, and new experiences, but I forget to just live in the moment so often.

I am a dreamer, and this world is challenging. But I know that if I can just enjoy the wilderness around me that I hike through the dream at the top of the mountain will come. At times I will need the perspective and I should aim for the top. But it's okay to fall down. It's okay to get some bruises and scratches. In the end, it will be so much more satisfying to be at the top of the ridge after all the trials of life. For now I will enjoy these green pastures of Washington for all they are.

Happiness comes and often goes. But we thrive with passion. I guess I need a fresh start to revive my passion. Any college can do that, not just Berkeley. I am surprised by the options that abound everywhere. Anything is possible, and the best I can do is to really seek those special joys in every moment.

For example, today I woke up at 9:10. Wow that was late in my world. Okay, so I just lived a little and took a shorter shower. I actually finished a job application. I got the books I need for school.

I think I want to live with less stuff. All this abundance makes me overwhelmed. I am excited for when I can own my own place in a high-rise in San Francisco or New York with just the simple things, no unnecessary gadgets and gizmos. :D

"The Runaway" - Something Corporate

Am I stuck like this forever?

I started my homework 15 minutes ago, and I am already finished. I could have done it 4 hours ago and enjoyed plenty of sleep. I could have left myself time for scholarships or job applications. I could have written a story. I could have exercised. I could have cleaned my room. I could have put my laundry away.

But no. I dawdled. I sat here for four hours thinking I could get my homework done. I feel pathetic, lazy, and lame. Why am I so unmotivated, so uninspired, so melancholy? There is so much more to life than stupid computer games with literally no meaning other than clicking a button or looking up random places in the world.

I have to stop dreaming and start living. But I never can.

Hopelessness pervades me.

"Me and the Moon" - Something Corporate

Starry Eyed

At times I feel like this whole college process is so deceptive. So many people are caught up in the magic and wonder of college, but what's the real point. My parents are always asking me this. As a family we don't even have enough money to pay for the entire four years at an in-state school, but with my input, maybe some scholarships, or a loan it's very feasible.

I am just so disappointed in myself. I mean I wasted an entire application for the University of California because it is impossible for me to afford the 50 grand price tag. I knew it would be like that, but I just thought I was amazing and could get all those scholarships.

My eyes were once filled with stars, but reality has blinded me. I need to find a place between these two extremes.

Meanwhile, my life is getting back to the way I want it to be, sort of. I have had the craziest weekend ever. I was stupefied by the stellar talent of drill and dance at their districts competition. Then I rushed home to do homework (after eating an amazing organic taco for lunch at whole foods with a awesome view of downtown Bellevue with the quintessential "Iowa" partly cloudy skies). I actually got a lot finished. I headed to Tolo. At first it was a little uncomfortable, awkward, and in fact for the first few hours really stressful and annoying. But once everyone quieted down, the mood placated and I felt more free, and had fun, albeit a little late at 2 in the morning, 7 hours after the start of my festivities. For the first time in so long I had such pure free, fun. What a boring word for such a stupendous emotion. I woke up after two hours and ran up Queen Anne and back down for the St. Patty's Day Dash. It was painful, challenging, but surprisingly energizing. I felt so ALIVE after running those 5 kilometers. Seattle was so beautiful, and the views of Mt. Baker, Mt. Rainier, the Cascades, the Olympics and the Space Needle all capped in white, was just so magical. I cried. I freed my thoughts. I hope I rebuilt a tattered friendship.

I guess all it is in life is finding a way to be free. The stresses won't go away, but they hold me back so much. If I can just make a few changes to calm down every day, make my life a little simpler, I think I will appreciate life as a whole more often like this weekend. My challenge is to really just have a great time with life even when it sucks.

Friendship and sleep are the foundations!

Now it's time to discover the rest of life.

"Starry Eyed" - Ellie Goulding

Rejected

My pit of misery is completely unjustifiable, but alas I am unhappy.

I tried so hard to get into the Honors program at UW. At least I thought I did. Yes, they only accept 200 out of 2500, but I thought I had a chance. Everyone I knew who had gotten in, did less extracurricular activities than me, did less leadership, spent less time on the essays; I thought my effort would accept me. But in the end, my GPA and SAT are just not fantastic enough.

I felt I deserved it. Maybe that was stupid. But this was the most feasible dream I had. All those other schools are just such impossibilities because of cost, but this was my chance to work with the best and brightest and really challenge myself within reason. But no, I was rejected. Rejected. After 4 years of melancholy, sleeplessness, and freaking out.

You assume that hard work gets you somewhere. You assume that passion will earn you respect, results, and achievement. But life just doesn't work out that way. I still feel like I deserve a spot, but I understand that the statistics are against me. In the end, they need to raise their GPA statistics to increase application rates. Competition has never been my friend.

I love to learn. I guess I have largely forgotten that aspect of my life. I have really forgotten all about what makes me human in all these years. I just assumed I could worry about that after I got into my "ivy league" education. Obviously the goal is not very realistic. I won't give up; in fact I will only work harder. But after this week of so many ups and downs, I realize that no matter how hard you try if you keep pushing until you drive yourself crazy, nobody cares. People judge by first impressions and final results. They don't see the journey, and if you go through all the pain and effort on the journey without any results, you fail. I am tired of failing myself.

UW Honors was my feasible dream. It is not entirely dead. I pasted my rejection letter on my desk right in front of where I work. I am proud of it. It means I attempted to attain a difficult goal, and I did not succeed. But it also means I have to work only that much more to fulfill my dreams, find my way, and find myself. Except without the pain, misery, and sleeplessness. I don't have to kill myself to achieve my dreams.

I have lived without really living for four years, and after this rejection, I almost feel free. If I had gotten in, I would have continued my path of continuous unhappiness and failure to meet expectations. I would have kept trying to reach crazy goals that are probably not appropriate for me. I have to cherish what I have.

I got accepted to American University. It's probably going to be too far out of my price range, but I now have an option. I got into UW. I can still receive many honors. I can still make my experience marvelous.

I guess it really is all about outlook. My pessimism has murdered me in so many ways. I always worry so much about the what ifs, the judgments, the people around me. I have such negativity toward myself and it is growing worse and worse every day.

I knew going into this whole college process that I would receive rejection. I told myself early on and to all my friends that rejection is just a message from God (or whatever you believe in) that that college or goal was just not meant to be. Perhaps it isn't my time. Perhaps it is not meant for me. Perhaps it is to open my mind and heart to different ideas. Or merely to remind me to accept defeat with dignity and thrive in my moments of success.

Most of my life is good. I really just do not appreciate it at all. I still dream of sunny California all the time. I still yearn for a career in the environment and social justice. I still think that some moodiness makes me human. I have a loving family with all their parts together. I have amazing friends who inspire me, accept me, and make every day worth living.

I am breaking with the system here. I am finally doing it. I have 3 months until high school is over. What the hell am I doing sulking away and feeling miserable? I just need to breathe. I just need to step back and not even think. I just need to live.

I have a life. If anything, life is all you need.

"Alice" - Avril Lavigne

Separation to Break the Cycle

I have lived in this unhappy cycle for so many years. Especially in recent weeks, I have failed myself. This week was easy by most standards, and I accomplished so little. Yet I received very little sleep. I was out of it all week. I was never focused. I couldn't be the person I want to be. I couldn't be happy. I couldn't be a friend.

Tonight I hung out with friends. That's great. But I need to separate myself from the fun in life. I need to focus. I need to get things done. There is so much in life that I will miss if I am constantly tired and behind the tasks. Loners at least have nothing to do but homework, and I am afraid that I cannot handle anything else in my life except the routine. Maybe I can do some scholarships, but unless I get my life back on track I really need to separate from my friends. There are so many greater issues in the world, and unless I figure out how to fix my own issues with dissatisfaction, time management, and unfulfillment I cannot think outside my shell.

People lose so much in this world, but many still have their spirit, dignity, and identity.

I have everything any person needs or really wants, yet I have none of what really matters. I don't have a clear goal. I don't have self-esteem. I don't have any dignity. I don't have a proud identity. I hate myself so much, and until I am well enough to stop sulking in my misery I need to be alone.

Geography, My Love, My Enemy, My Friend

We speak of how the ivy league death machine eats up so many promising young souls. Well, I think I was eaten years ago. Now I am devoured. I have lived my entire life aiming for that magical school, UC Berkeley, Stanford, xyz, but what if I don't get in? And even if I do get accepted, how am I supposed to afford the $200,000 at least in tuition, room and board for 4 years. I know I am overthinking a bit, but I have lived my whole life for the set plan.

Grades. Scores. College name.

In the geography bee, you don't really matter unless you make it on TV, at least in my opinion.
People tell you to follow your dreams, everyone except my parents. And in rebellion, I did follow my dream of being on television for those 15 minutes of fame in which I answered six questions of geography. I believed then that I was extraordinary. I believed I was special. Yet at the same time I felt insecure. I always yearned for more accomplishment.
So I got perfect grades. So I did everything I am supposed to do. I signed up for difficult classes. I made friends with the overachieving crowd. I looked for college a year ahead of schedule.

But then life became so much more complicated. Things like friendships. Love. Internet. APs that weren't so easy. Leadership. Actual A minuses. Money. REALITY fell upon me.

Real life is not Kumon. You cannot achieve some magnificent level and just go up and up and up. We don't live in the linear. But I have lived my entire life like a machine for so many years, basically all my adolescence. I achieved that superior level at one point, seventh grade.

NOW WHAT?

Every other geo bee winner goes on to accomplish great things. 4.0s; Harvard; Scholarships. The system of achievement keeps working for them. They go from level A, to B, to K, to Z, and forever on on this path, or so it seems. I really cannot assume, but my life seems so pathetic compared to all those crazed geography extraordinaires.

I can't get a National Merit Scholarship. I can't get a great SAT score. I still haven't heard from the Honors college at UW, unlike most of my other friends. I can't seem to score any random scholarships like everyone else.

When you live your entire life expecting this system of success, hard work, and more success to just fall into place, it is crazy to think that everything is much more complex. I used to always believe that GPA and SAT and college name were the only thing that mattered. I used to always believe that those first impressions were what mattered. I always told people when I met them about my geography bee win. It's the only thing I have ever really done that I have deemed worthy.

Yet I find it to be the most trivial of things I have done in my life, my real life. My friendships, my leadership experiences, my frigid winter days planting trees, my conversations with homeless men, my huge mistakes, are the things that have really made me me. But identity is so unclear. I always imagined my group of friends being some stereotypical high school drama. But every person is so much deeper and complicated than that. I can't just call one person artsy, and another super-genius. Everyone is so unique and diverse.

I look at my image from the newspaper article in the King County Journal or the Seattle Times. I made the front cover of the King County Journal for goodness sake.
Then I saw the bed and the wall and the arrogant smirk on my face. I still lived in my imaginary world back then, and I still do sometimes now. But I feel so much more grounded, and so often I feel pressed down to the Earth like a pile of rubble lies on top of me. For the most part my surroundings haven't changed. But maybe I have.

Geography used to be so different for me. It was just names. A lot of them sounded funky and if they were cool like Ouagadougou I decided I would visit there. I really like Afghanistan cause it was the first in the alphabet. I loved the name Zaire and was frustrated when they changed the country to the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Rwanda to me was just the country with the ugly R on its flag. Italy was the boot country. I knew that Myanmar and Burma were synonymous. I memorized everything, all the seas, all the rivers, all the sub-national divisions, national parks, National Geographic maps, railroads, and land formations.

Then reality hit me. And as much as geography was the magic carpet of my childhood, the images of Hotel Rwanda, the War in Afghanistan and the Congo, the history of Burma, the culture and conflicts of Italy, the people of Ouagadougou, are what fascinate me today. No, they don't have the same marvel as all the names, but they mean so much more. These realities are my soap operas. The real history of these places I have studied for so long are like friends I never had. Delving into the cultures of Swaziland or Switzerland makes me feel like I am part of this world.

The problem is that geography has been a convenient way to say that I understand this world. I am so afraid of change, open-mindedness, and life in general, but I can take it all in through my books, computer, and atlases. They will never leave me. But they can never give me back the love I pour into them.

People wonder why I waste so much time wandering the world on Google Earth or researching the states of Brazil, but I do so because I am lonely. The world is a comfortable place when I can see it within my fingertips inside my comfortable 70 degree house. Everything outside scares me so much.

I cling to my friends because I don't know how to be a friend. I wish I was better. I wish I didn't need my friends so much, but I really depend on them so much. I don't know what to do with my life usually, but friends are there to guide me, love me, enjoy life with me, share with me, exist with me.

I plan everything in advance because I become lost and scared when I don't know what's ahead.

As much as I appreciate all I have learned in my years as a teenager, I feel so pathetic. I don't feel like my life has amounted to much. I don't know how to appreciate what I do have. I don't know how to feel fulfilled. I don't think there is a formula, but I hate being so miserable so often.

I feel like the world is passing me by and I am just watching it from my Google Earth. I see all my friends racing past me toward success, happiness, and accomplishment. And I see myself crying on the side of the road, alone, and watching all my friends, acquaintances, and peers pass by faster and faster. I am at a standstill. I jumped off that system long ago, but I have never come back to land. I am tired of treading water. I am tired of drowning.

I want to fly.

"Change for You" - The Midway State

"The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

I have done so little today, virtually nothing.

"The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" - T.S. Eliot

S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo
Questa fiamma staria sensa piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero
Sensa tema d’infamia ti rispondo.

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question . . .
Oh, do not ask, ‘What is it?’
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes,
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, ‘Do I dare?’ and, ‘Do I dare?’
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
[They will say: ‘How his hair is growing thin!’]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: ‘But how his arms and legs are thin!’]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
Is it perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?

. . . . .

Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows? . . .

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.

. . . . .

And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep . . . tired . . . or it malingers
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: ‘I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all’—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: ‘That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.’

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
‘That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant at all.’

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old . . . I grow old . . .
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

--------------------------------

Mr. J. Alfred Prufrock reminds me of myself. Overanalyzing everything. Pathetic. Lacking self-esteem. Fearful of judgment amongst peers and society. Hopeless. Lost. Worried. Apprehensive. The anti-hero. I am the anti-hero and I don't know who else I am. I don't want to grow old, alone, and bald, but maybe that's my destiny.

The Bigger Picture

As I head to college soon, I never realize how much our world has shifted. I thought all my multi-tasking was a good thing. I believed that all my distractions were due entirely to my laziness and emotions. But I am watching this documentary on the digital age, and realizing that I now live in a world that is turning the wrong direction. We are living in a world where we are so connected and everything we want is within the grasp of our laptops or cell phones. Dealing with all this is overwhelming, but we have to work with technology and also question how we work with technology.

For so long I have thought that I can work well multitasking. What's the harm checking my facebook, e-mail, phone, playing games, listening to music and doing homework all at once? But I know the brain cannot multitask. It's just not possible. The new technology is there, but we have to learn to deal with the technology in a productive manner. We cannot depend on computers too much as a second brain, but we have to let go of old ways of thought that assume memorization is key to success. In a world where all those answers are within the click of a button, why do we even bother memorizing equations, anatomy, or quotes? Really, we must change our learning methods to fit with the new technologies. But meanwhile I live in our backwards education, and I must adapt to that as well.

At least I am not in Korea. Koreans are obsessed with the Internet. Even at the age of five they are taught Netiquette songs. I remember learning nursery rhymes, not internet rhymes in kindergarten. Koreans live in the computer, and there are even internet addiction camps for thousands of teens addicted to their computers. These are the issues that many face, but dealing with them seems so crazy. Somehow this magic of computers and the Internet has created so many problems along with all the benefits.



If I can sum up my thoughts, I believe that this world has come to expect thinking, life, and reality to be as fast as the computer. But we cannot be. We are human. Reconciling these two worlds is challenging, but we are all lost amidst new super speed technology together. Hopefully we don't become so overwhelmed that we fall apart.

No New Day

Unhappiness plagues me. I am so frustrated. What is it that singes me with such bitterness? I was asked to tolo today. I should be thrilled. But the stresses of life, the exhaustion of sleeplessness, and this upwelling of misery just seem to overwhelm all happiness. I hate being unhappy. I even found out today that I am in the top twenty in class rank, but I still am imbued with unhappiness.

Basically I just don't understand why I had a good day, and I am still unhappy. It's not that I am sad, it's that I am not happy. I don't get it.

I am mostly upset that I haven't accomplished many of my major goals. I haven't changed my debilitating habits, like late nights, unhealthy eating, and laziness toward exercise. I haven't cleaned my room in weeks, I haven't studied well in days, I haven't focused on anything worthwhile in ages. I haven't gotten scholarship applications done. I haven't looked for any jobs. I haven't served my community. I haven't learned my martial arts forms. Why is my life of to-do lists never doable? Why do I aim so high? Am I just incapable? Am I just weak? Have I not prayed enough? Have I not been human enough?

Or maybe I am just going through that period in time that most people go through. The struggles that we all face once in a while. Too bad it's right now when I am concluding my senior year. I feel like there is so much ahead of me in these next few months, but if I don't change, I will regret so much.

"Don't Give Up" - The Midway State ft. Lady Gaga