Rejected

My pit of misery is completely unjustifiable, but alas I am unhappy.

I tried so hard to get into the Honors program at UW. At least I thought I did. Yes, they only accept 200 out of 2500, but I thought I had a chance. Everyone I knew who had gotten in, did less extracurricular activities than me, did less leadership, spent less time on the essays; I thought my effort would accept me. But in the end, my GPA and SAT are just not fantastic enough.

I felt I deserved it. Maybe that was stupid. But this was the most feasible dream I had. All those other schools are just such impossibilities because of cost, but this was my chance to work with the best and brightest and really challenge myself within reason. But no, I was rejected. Rejected. After 4 years of melancholy, sleeplessness, and freaking out.

You assume that hard work gets you somewhere. You assume that passion will earn you respect, results, and achievement. But life just doesn't work out that way. I still feel like I deserve a spot, but I understand that the statistics are against me. In the end, they need to raise their GPA statistics to increase application rates. Competition has never been my friend.

I love to learn. I guess I have largely forgotten that aspect of my life. I have really forgotten all about what makes me human in all these years. I just assumed I could worry about that after I got into my "ivy league" education. Obviously the goal is not very realistic. I won't give up; in fact I will only work harder. But after this week of so many ups and downs, I realize that no matter how hard you try if you keep pushing until you drive yourself crazy, nobody cares. People judge by first impressions and final results. They don't see the journey, and if you go through all the pain and effort on the journey without any results, you fail. I am tired of failing myself.

UW Honors was my feasible dream. It is not entirely dead. I pasted my rejection letter on my desk right in front of where I work. I am proud of it. It means I attempted to attain a difficult goal, and I did not succeed. But it also means I have to work only that much more to fulfill my dreams, find my way, and find myself. Except without the pain, misery, and sleeplessness. I don't have to kill myself to achieve my dreams.

I have lived without really living for four years, and after this rejection, I almost feel free. If I had gotten in, I would have continued my path of continuous unhappiness and failure to meet expectations. I would have kept trying to reach crazy goals that are probably not appropriate for me. I have to cherish what I have.

I got accepted to American University. It's probably going to be too far out of my price range, but I now have an option. I got into UW. I can still receive many honors. I can still make my experience marvelous.

I guess it really is all about outlook. My pessimism has murdered me in so many ways. I always worry so much about the what ifs, the judgments, the people around me. I have such negativity toward myself and it is growing worse and worse every day.

I knew going into this whole college process that I would receive rejection. I told myself early on and to all my friends that rejection is just a message from God (or whatever you believe in) that that college or goal was just not meant to be. Perhaps it isn't my time. Perhaps it is not meant for me. Perhaps it is to open my mind and heart to different ideas. Or merely to remind me to accept defeat with dignity and thrive in my moments of success.

Most of my life is good. I really just do not appreciate it at all. I still dream of sunny California all the time. I still yearn for a career in the environment and social justice. I still think that some moodiness makes me human. I have a loving family with all their parts together. I have amazing friends who inspire me, accept me, and make every day worth living.

I am breaking with the system here. I am finally doing it. I have 3 months until high school is over. What the hell am I doing sulking away and feeling miserable? I just need to breathe. I just need to step back and not even think. I just need to live.

I have a life. If anything, life is all you need.

"Alice" - Avril Lavigne