The Danger of Reflection

I breathe in through my nose. I exhale as if every pulse of air out my lungs is an entire minute. The sun has set. Darkness has fallen. My laptop has opened like a secret briefcase filled with children's toys. I pull up the music and entertain my ears. I breathe again, even slower. Every finger I type I feel the push of my skin against the smooth, yet artificial skin of the keyboard. I look back at that scholarship application I should be doing. My head starts to ache some more. I flip to the Japanese cultural portfolio I should be doing. My head hurts more. I feel the stress hormones infiltrating me, suffocating me. All the stress feels like when warm hands are wrapped around me neck and squeeze at martial arts. I try to escape, but my brain stops thinking. My mind forgets how to function. The words that exit my mouth are like mothballs. All I can do is react. And I make so many mistakes.

I am so tired of allowing stress to choke me. It suffocates me so much. And then when I look back on all the stress that blankets me I become depressed. Stress debilitates me. It stops me from succeeding, heck it stops me from doing anything. I spent eight hours yesterday on the computer. I don't even know how I spent eight hours online doing NOTHING. I can add up a few sporcle games, but they must have only been ten minutes total. Yet in the end I spent eight hours. I feel like I have been drunk on stress. It really makes my mind stop. And when I am free from it, all I can do it hate myself even more. And I fall more behind, and I stress out. And my brain stops thinking. And I finally have to get stuff done. And when I am finally going to bed and my stresses start to melt, I hate myself again.

I never seem to be able to break my cycle. I never seem to be able to handle anything more than the basic. I have no pride. I have no hope. Yet I am foolishly dreamy and arrogant.

My mom is probably right. I just apply to Stanford and all these other schools just because I think I am better than everyone else.

I catch glimpses of hope. There are small pieces of joy. I cling to them. People wonder why I cling so much to my friendships. But I guess they don't realize how much those friendships keep me alive. I just need someone right now. But I feel so alone.

It's not until I stop to think that I realize how long it's been since I have had a meaningful conversation with anybody. I get so caught up in the stress of everything I do. I feel like I have forgotten how to be a good friend. Today I was talking to a good friend of mine and I just felt no connection at all, as if she didn't want to talk to me because I was so stressed out, as if I was a chore. People tell me to stop stressing out, but I just don't know how. It comes so quickly, and I just can't stop myself at all. It makes me feel so inept and backwards. I can't believe how pathetic I am sometimes.

I guess I just feel like I am losing everyone around me. I don't know what is wrong with me, but my friendships seem to be slipping away from me and I am all alone in this frozen abyss. Loneliness is so painful.

I want a fresh start. But I also want to reconcile all these loose ends before time runs out.

"Miss America" - Something Corporate