The Masters of My Identity

At work today, my boss labeled me as "inappropriate" because I made a comment as I was moving a kid to another table without really thinking that he needed some individual help. I guess I shouldn't have made such a judgment call because I am not trained although I have been tutoring kids for 4 years. I was following every rule in the book at work, exactly as my boss likes, and she even complimented me earlier in the day about how closely I follow the rules. And then she goes ballistic because this one kid was struggling with his work and I thought he needed extra help. I told her that I was doing everything on the recommendations as she requested and then she says that I should have asked her for help. Well, whenever I asked her for advice with my work in the past I was always accused of being substandard or being manipulated by the students. She never believed there was anything I could do. I hate people like her who see everything in black and white. She deems me a failure only because I could not get one kid to do his work fast enough. I feel no respect, but I don't even know if I deserve any.

What makes you you? I feel like at work I am a spoiled, stupid, bratty, whiny, substandard, low life because my boss has such high expectations and I never meet them. I start to believe that this is my identity, but it scares me. Am I really that horrible? These are the people who really batter my self-esteem, but do I deserve any self-esteem? Am I that horrible of a person that I don't deserve any self-respect?

I feel like I cannot judge character very well. I feel like I should believe my boss wholeheartedly because she is my superior. She is an adult. But I can't help but feel like the amount of pressure and stress I endure to meet the expectations at my workplace is unrealistic and unnecessary. I am starting to believe that the rest of life cannot be any better than my mundane world at work, but I feel like there is much more happiness in the world than that.

I just cannot fathom whether it is my boss or me. Am I the immoral, inept, incapable person? Who the heck am I? I can't seem to fit into this world at all. I feel so excluded from student government because I am not social enough. I feel so excluded from the nerds because I am not intelligent enough. I feel so excluded at work because I fail to meet expectations. I feel so excluded at home because I am too calm. I feel so excluded from some of my friends because I am too quiet. I feel so excluded from other friends because I am too loud. I feel so excluded from the people of the world because I am so wealthy. I feel excluded from the opportunities of life because I am too poor. I feel excluded from every group. I don't know what I am good at, what I am proud of, or what I even care about.

WHO AM I?

"Hole In My Heart" - Alphabeat