Subdued

I don't want to be a party pooper. But I enter that room and immediately am immersed in the revelry. Truth and dare. Hormones flying like crazy. Who knows who kissed who. But I just don't really care. Not very interested. Sure it's sort of exciting for a moment, but it just fades. And then it's my turn. I immediately say truth, but of course that's too boring because there's nothing i'm hiding. So alas I become part of the teenage craziness. They do things. And I become prudish. Maybe I need to drink or do some pot. But I like to keep my dignity. I may not do these fun things, but I could be happy without having to. I hear about so many teenagers who lose themselves getting wasted. They totally have a fun time, but they are tainted by the drugs, alcohol, and horniness. My parents could care less about me kissing girls or even drinking a little here and there, but I don't. I believe in choices. I want to remain somewhat pure. I don't condone or condemn the actions of my friends. It's how they lead their lives. And if I'm a party pooper because I don't like to party the way my friends do, then they'll just have to live with that.

Friends are the most important thing in my life. I have lost many friends thanks to circumstances outside my control like moves. I hold my friends very dear to my heart even more importantly than my family. But how do I have real friends without being the people pleaser I am? I don't want to change myself to be friends with people. I don't want to lose friends because I am too stubborn, disgruntled, or self-centered. Who do I become? How do I make those friends that are really important to my life? I have a few. I have friends I can trust with my life. And those friends are infinitely more important than the many shallow friendships I have in my student gov and debate organizations. I suppose we have to give and take. We have to let in our friends to our souls and they have to do the same. We have to change a little for our friends and they have to conform a little to our ideals. But what makes a real friendship is when you can accept your friend entirely for who they are, flaws and glories altogether.

It's with these special friends, the ones who I can trust who I can really have fun with. I am not as subdued with these friends. I can be open and just have a wonderful time without having to organize a game or event. These are the friends who I can be spontaneous with. The friends I can talk to without talking. The friends who I can fight with and argue against and our friendships only strengthen positively. I am so glad to have these friends. I have a few that are friendships unlike any I have ever had. I know I will keep these friends close. I won't forget them. If they hide I will find them. And I will do my best to hold our friendship together.

Often I think I have done something wrong. But today I am actually proud of myself for once. I did the right things. Sort of. I made mistakes. I fought with a friend. Stubbornly refused to talk and then discussed deep thoughts and became even closer as friends. But I did not allow emotions to overrun and taint or destroy that friendship. And even though I didn't have total fun at the party I let myself out a little and still kept my self-respect. I didn't do anything wrong really. But maybe I need to make more mistakes to get better.

"One More Chance" Bloc Party



Fav band from Britain. It's about making up for mistakes and trying to go back and fix them. But I want to make those mistakes. In the long-run the small but sometimes strenuous mistakes make us only wiser. We cannot change unless we know what to change.