Writing and Hoping

It's time for me to get it together. It's time for me to combat the chronic stress. It's time for me to end the procrastination. It's time for me to stop being impressed by a song and inspired for one moment. It's time for me to be motivated. It's time for me to handle all I have been offered. It's time for me to accept reality. It's time for me to calm down. It's time for me to be a normal person able to handle the challenges that confront me and take my life in stride.

But I am trapped in the mud. I don't think I can or will rise from my hopelessness and self-pity. I want to be free. I want to live as myself. I want to be the leader and the good friend. I want to go around in society without being an outcast, while still being unique. I want to find the balance, but I feel so out of whack. I want to inspire others and still be inspired. I want to learn so much, but I want to also understand life enough to stand. How, How, HOW! Everyone else seems to get along well enough so easily. They seem to handle it all so well. Why can't I just be like them? Why can't I stop my whining? Why can't I stop freaking out? Why can't I handle it? Why can't I just be accepted?

I am afraid. I am afraid of living as someone who I am not. I am afraid of being the constant outcast who is dreary and incapable of success. I am afraid of being left stuck in the mud. I am afraid that I will always be the loser. I don't know how everyone else does it, but I feel like I am missing the panacea for all my problems. Could it really be that easy? Could there be a solution that I just am oblivious to?

"Turpentine" - Brandi Carlile







"These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up"

Exactly how I feel.