So Much Ahead

Whatever I decide to do with the rest of my future, I am excited. I realize that my life does not depend on Berkeley to be happy. I realize that my dream is possible, but not necessary. To think that Cal is the only way for me to find happiness is naive. UW is different in few ways. The weather sucks. I have friends, which is both good and bad. I know this area so well, and I truly do love it except the dreariness. The program at Cal is more well-known, but also more competitive and stressful. Cal seems to be better for preparing me for the real world, and for the future, but it also seems like it won't be the place for me at the cost I would spend. Still, I know that I would be inspired to live to my fullest potential by San Francisco and the Campanile.

As I watched a lecture on environmental law and policy, I felt inspired by Berkeley. The students seemed so sophisticated and intelligent. The professor was so intellectual, yet connected with her students. But in the end, I discovered that I wouldn't even get to take this fascinating course in my next four years; it's a law school course.

UW
http://www.washington.edu/discover/

UC Berkeley
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6BP09VHK58&feature=channel

What do I do? Both schools are beyond wonderful! But one comes with a scary cost. And the other may limit me from my full potential.

Do I take the cold, risky, but exciting plunge or do I swim pleasantly to the other side?

Golden Platter

Cal Golden Bears. College of Natural Resources. San Francisco City and County. The Golden Gate Bridge. Sproul Hall. The Campanile. Diversity. Units 1, 2, and 3.

berkeley.

Huskies. College of the Environment. Seattle. Puget Sound and the floating bridges. The Quad's cherry blossoms. Red Square. Diversity. Lander, McCarty, McMahon.

uw.

I have been offered the opportunity to go to Berkeley, my dream for so long for "free." My aunt is willing to pay the incredible amount with a loan with low interest. I calculated how long it would take to pay off: 20 years, 20% of my income devoted to debt. If I went to grad school, masters programs, or law school, another 20% percent chunk of my future hopeful income would be toward all this debt.

I am so lost and confused. I want to make a good rational decision based on what I want, what is best, and what is right. These are only four years, but they are these four years.

Dreams or brains?

"Halcyon" - Delphic

Once

"I'm only going to let you kill my once"

That's what risk taking is about. Going for it. Letting yourself die. Being afraid, but being so much braver afterward. Love. College. Life.

I wish I had true courage. I want to leave this miserable life I feel trapped in. I want to escape my degrading job. I want to be able to breathe! I want to be able to see the world. I want to be able to explore. I want to be able to love. I want to be able to climb mountains. I want to be able to lead a protest. I want to be free of all these chains that bound me to the life I currently lead.

The people who are leaving this beautiful rainy land are the people I look up to the most. I don't know how I will live without them and I feel like I need to go away too since my best friends are following their dreams and leaving.

I am so disappointed in my fearfulness all these years. I have wanted to do so much with my life and live in so many ways that I can never try now that I am becoming a fully fledged adult.

Oh well. I just want to be me. I just want to live my dreams. But what's wrong with staying here and living them?

"Once" - Diana Vickers

Airplanes

To fly away. Escape from all my problems. My whole goal for all these years of preparation for college has been to go far away for school, or at least to be in the land I love, California.
I wish I could escape from the chains of money. I wish I could find a way to escape all my emotional misery. I wish I could escape all the fears I have. I wish I could escape my ego. I wish I could escape the rat race. I wish I could escape my job. I wish I could escape the whole idea of reputation. I wish I could escape from the binds on my heart.
Freedom. It's something we take for granted.

This weekend at my last JSA convention I listened to an inspirational speech from one of the "lost boys" of Sudan, who ended up here in Issaquah. While he went to the rival high school, he was just happy to be educated indoors, with a classroom of less than 150, with real pencils. He ended up going to college. He only went to Central, but for him that was an impossible dream. He is living his American dream. He is living the life he never thought he could live as he was attacked at gunpoint or as his village was destroyed. In his view the only obstacle to Americans achieving the American Dream is the sense of entitlement we hold. It is so true. I feel like I deserve to go to some great school other than UW, just because I worked "hard." I guess I am really foolish. I mean I really should not be so stubborn about leaving. I should just be happy with what I have.

The truth is that we can fly away from our problems. But fleeing our problems does not mean they disappear. They may hide for a few days, months, or even years, but they will come back to haunt you eventually. I need to thrive wherever I am, and if I am stuck here, I should just change my mindset.

In Song of Solomon, the main character wants to fly. But he can't. At least he can't until he puts to rest his conflicts and struggles. We need to resolve these crazy issues if we want to fly. Flying with our problems is just fake.

I am not stuck here, I am here to learn to fly.

"Airplanes" - B.o.B. ft. Hayley Williams



Shooting stars...

So Afraid

My high school years are almost over. I will be choosing a great college within the next few days. But I am held back by so much.

I have been afraid of so much in these years here. I fear so much at my high school. I have great friends, but it scares me how much one's reputation impacts your life. It scares me how judgmental everyone seems to be. I am so tired of these prejudices and living my life in so much fear.

I have options. I can continue to be afraid of life and miss out on the great opportunities and potential I carry
or
I can be free and fearless and go for it.

Fear holds so many people back. I don't know what to do. Should I allow fear to hold me back and keep me in reality or should I conquer it?

"Do-Wah-Doo" - Kate Nash

Shame

People do horrible, horrible things. I am proud that I am not one of the bullies, but when I think about it, we are all bullies. How have we allowed our school to become so cruel? How? I just don't understand it. How can I give a speech proudly graduating our class? I am embarrassed by our actions. Nobody deserves to be told that they are meaningless, worthless, or hated. Especially when it is such a stupid issue and the student is irrelevant to the issue. Everyone is so hateful and mean.

It just makes me want to cry. Life is real. This college deciding process is taking up so much of my time, energy, and life. I think I have made my decision. I have so little time to really think about it, but I think I know what to do now. I will make sure tomorrow with all the financial done and a sit-in of a class. But in life I think we just have to decide. We have to find happiness in every doorway. I still don't really know, but I think that I will make a great choice.

Think before you speak. Live outside yourself. I can't believe the things people say sometimes. Have some common sense and dignity.

Daring

I am left with two options. UW or GWU. They both have Washington in them. They are both urban. They are both good colleges. They both are exciting opportunities. There are differences in cost, educational style, and atmosphere. Yet in the end they are both colleges. They will both serve the same purpose and despite their small permutations, the choice will not really make a huge difference in my life. Sure it will steer me in some directions, but in the end, it is up to me to find the spirit within to live the life I want to lead.

I'll just try to sleep it over along with all the other crazy things going on right now. Who knew that prom would be coming up so soon? I really regret the neglect I have had toward some of my friendships. I wish they could all work out. I have had a dream prom. But I guess we can't ever get our dreams. I can't go to Berkeley. I can't have my dream prom. But that's life. I try so hard sometimes, i just don't know if it's worth it. Alas, I cannot whine over all of this. I just need to focus on what's important. If prom doesn't work out, there will be other opportunities, but I have been working toward this prom for so long... I hate putting all this effort into my dreams only to have them snatched away. In the end it will all work out.

I'll give myself a good sleep for a clear mind and a clear heart. Hopefully that will help me make all these choices. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Pray. Live.

"Ben Franklin's Kite" - Something Corporate

It Will Come

After all this crazy college searching, applying, financial aiding, scholarship seeking, I need to just get away from the craziness of my life. I need a break. I need a sign from God.

I only have one week to decide and place this deposit down for the one thing I have been looking forward to for all these years. I don't want to live another four years of this misery. I want to be happy. I want to learn. I want to make my parents and myself proud. I just need to stop thinking about it and something will tell me what to do. Who knows what it will be? God does.

Same with relationships. And the rest of my life. I can't be passive with the things I know need to get done, but I must let go and stop trying to control everything. I really need to stop being such a control freak and be whatever myself is... I just wish I could skip all these stresses that are driving me to the brink of insanity.

"Run Away From Trouble" - Frankmusik

Urbane

DC has astonished me - almost more so than NYC did. While New York was amazing, I realize that DC is probably a much better city for me, for my future and for my studies. Today at GWU I met a graduating Senior who was exceptional and living the life I want to live. He was like my ideal image of myself. From Puyallup of all places he has interned with Solar Energy groups, studied in New Zealand, and is working in Green Corps thanks to the opportunities he has found in DC. His life changed through his decision to go to GWU instead of the typical state school, UW.

While I would love to make that leap, make that jump, I just don't know what to do. I feel like going off to L.A., San Francisco, or DC will help me so much to really grow and mature. It will force me to become the great person I want to become. Yet I also don't want to make such a burden on my family or myself through all the debt I will incur going to these expensive schools.

In the end, I think that GWU worked for this Puyallup kid. He was devoted to it and loved the city. I think I could easily come here to Foggy Bottom and make a great life for myself. Obviously four years in DC are far more exciting than four years in Seattle. But I can still make a huge difference in Seattle. I know what to expect at UW. I will push myself to live and thrive in my little Pacific Northwest metropolis. I will take adventures around the world. I will double major. I will make many new friends. I will get to know my professors and build strong relationships with them. At UW I will force myself to be brave. I will conquer the big classes. I will conquer my hatred of cold, wet winters. I will be free.

It just comes down to who I want to be. I am not so sure I want to live the life of the cool Puyallup kid I met yet. I think I want to do some more soul searching. UW is perfect for that. It just is not worth the cost to set myself down this track in DC at such a high price. There is that chance I am successful. There is that possibility that it changes my life for the better. But at least at UW I know can find success and make an impact, without the misery of all that debt.

DC is impressive. The steps of the Supreme Court blinded me. The Library of Congress awed me. The Capitol building and the views of the mall left me speechless. This city is so fascinating. I stood at the check in for the attorneys who stand in front of the Supreme Court! (And that court is way smaller than imagined btw...)
Maybe grad school here? We'll just wait and see. Tomorrow I'll visit American and my last campus tour for a long time hopefully. By the end of this week I will have a deposit down somewhere. In a week I will know where the next four years of my life will be, what track I am taking for much of the rest of my life. It's crazy, but in a week so much is being decided.

I'm excited!

"When It Rains" - Paramore ft. Andrew McMahon

...with Passion

I look back at this year. I see what I was missing. I was missing the passion that makes me complete. Perhaps I am learning to have limits. Perhaps I am realizing my lack of superhuman powers. But passion was so detached from my life this year.

Live... with Passion.
I want to do things I love. I want to protest. I want to dig my hands in the earth. I want to travel and explore. I want to challenge myself. I want to think, really think. I want to learn. I want to make an impact on the world. I want to better understand people. I want to share wonderful experiences with my friends.

Love... with Passion.
Oh my how I want to love. Yesterday I was at a local cafe for breakfast for a friend and while I waited for everyone to come a man came in with flowers to the cafe. He waited anxiously. Then a waitress came up to the man and he offered her the flowers. I assumed they were together, but then he asked her out. What incredible bravery. But sadly she said no. Not totally ridiculous, but it was such a romantic moment.

Fall... with Passion.
Don't fail with grace. Fail with passion. When you keep fighting, keep fighting till you fall down hard. It's tough to be passionate about something. I put my heart into Berkeley. I could have put even more effort into Berkeley. But I now let go. I am falling in my own sense. It hurts so much. It makes me want to cry every night. I regret it in so many ways. But it is when we fall with passion that we can be proud of ourselves. I am proudly letting go of Berkeley. I achieved something and all the passion I put into my studies and activities was thanks to the motivation Berkeley offered. I fall now, but the passion has helped me in so many ways.

Thrive... with PASSION.
Alas, we may fall down hard when we are passionate. But more likely we thrive when we find passion. It's the people who research the smallest molecules and the oddest relationships who love life. It's the small details that bring joy. The people who fight and fight and fight for their dreams are the people who find fulfillment. When we devote life toward what we care about then we can feel a sense of pride and peace in our hearts. I will soar like a flying squirrel. Always trying to fly higher and higher, but nonetheless grounded. I can get many places, but I will fall. I cannot float through the air like a balloon or albatross, but I can still find a way to glide and maybe even blast like a rocket.

Have heart. That beat that gives life. Let it pump until it cannot pump any longer. Your heart is there and use it. Stop sitting here waiting for the world to come, go out and live in this world!

"Fall" - Something Corporate

Adventure

That's what we all need. Some adventure in life. Oddly enough I will have adventure undoubtedly next year. Hopefully it won't be an adventure in indebtedness. Hopefully it won't be a struggle through regret. Hopefully it won't be a quest for simple satisfaction.

UW. It's such a weird idea to think that I might be going there.

The other options are options. They exist. Berkeley is there for me to pour thousands of dollars upon it. Occidental and GWU and American the same. UW will still cost money, but money is the one thing I do not think I can handle at all. I can learn to handle weird people and new friends, but I cannot handle finances well. It's just a decision I think that will make me safe. I sort of hate that I want to be so safe, if it is an issue of growing up, then I think my choice comes down to UW or Berkeley. Both will make me grow. Both will offer me a chance to be a new person. However, both have a flaw. I just feel like Berkeley's ginormous cost will be unbearable.

It's a choice between happiness now or happiness for the long-term.
It's a choice between getting happiness or discovering happiness.
It's a choice between fear of money or fear of dissatisfaction.
It's a choice between a wild and new place or a place I think I know well with a social network.
It's a choice between my romantic idealism and the real pragmaticism.
It's a choice between my heart and my head.
It's a choice between pride and humility.

I feel like UW is only going to be emotionally similar to my past four years at high school. Yet I have no assurances that Berkeley will end up as spectacular as I believe it to be. Of course I think it is amazing, but that's based off the campanile and protest history. So little of my love for Berkeley makes sense. I guess that's what love is. I have always told myself to reach out for my love. To go for it no matter what.

And then I pull my heads out of the clouds for a bit. Berkeley is no true love. Yes it is a dream. But a dream that will only be enjoyed for four years. It's a love that is unrequited. Obviously if something shifted a little I would fight for Berkeley. But I just need to let go. I need to let go to repair my heart and soul. Part of the Berkeley dream was that I would enjoy it fearlessly. Instead it would be a dream plagued by misery and fear. I don't want that. It goes against all my beliefs. It goes against who I want to become. But I strongly believe that Berkeley will unravel all the progress I have made in my life for many years to come.

UW offers me a chance for adventure. I cannot afford spring breaks if I go to Berkeley. I cannot explore foreign destinations if I go to Berkeley. I cannot live without drowning in worry about money if I go to Berkeley. UW makes so much sense. UW isn't going to make me starry eyed. UW is what an undergraduate college is about: learning, living, and finding myself.

"Boy Lilikoi" - Jonsi

Breathe and Take That Step

The University of Washington. A world-renowned university in the heart of the Pacific Northwest. Urban, sophisticated, rigorous, and cosmopolitan. Down-to-earth, huge, diverse. Academically marvelous, gorgeous campus, and opportunities copious.

No, it's no Berkeley. Sadly there is no Campanile. Too bad the dorms don't look so modern. The history is not as well-known. The city is less liberal. So miserable, there is cloudy weather the entire term. But despite the defects, these horrible flaws of the UW, it seems like they are so external and irrelevant to my whole encompassing experience of college.

I've had so many fear of UW.

UW Doesn't Have My Major
oops, it turns out that in fact, UW has a notable enviro. sci. major; I just failed to really look into it. In fact it is probably the best program I can afford.

UW Will Be Like High School 2.0
The truth is that, yes, I will see many students from my life the past four years. But as I look at the facebook group of those students, they are the young adults I would love to spend another four years with. People who care about learning, expanding their horizons, and keeping an open mind. People who I can lean back on and trust. People who will make it through those tough finals times and people who will also love me for whoever I turn out to be. Yet I also will meet so many new faces and stories. I always do. I am pretty outgoing I guess. UW has thousands of potential new friendships and opportunities to learn. In fact, Oxy looks more like high school 2.0 with its tiny student body. It's just too perfect to be true.

UW Is a School for Drunk Frat Kids
I think I was a bit too prejudiced against UW. Yes, there is a Greek Life. Yes, there is a party-school atmosphere. Yes, the school is obsessed with sports. But it is so much more than that. And I guess I sort of like that feeling of being absorbed in the atmosphere of school spirit. I just won't need to have as heavy involvement as right now. And every school, whether it is Oxy, Berkeley, or UW has lots of drunk kids. I guess it's inevitable in a progressive school.

Big Classes, Rejection from Honors, My Life Is Doomed
This is slightly valid. I am still afraid of the whole idea of huge classes and angry for my rejection from Honors. But I will just stay motivated to find ways to enjoy what opportunities exist for me and what classes I can take that will prevent me from drowning. It can't be that bad. I am going to make myself heard. I will push and shove to be the top fish. And Honors will accept me next year. I am determined and motivated!

Dissatisfaction
Part of me will always regret going to UW. However the difference is that my happiness at Berkeley for 4 years will lead to 20 or more years of painful regret. I am bound to make many stupid choices in the years ahead of me, especially financially. I am just not gifted with money. But no worries. I won't wake up every morning super happy at UW. But I will need to find a way to enjoy it. It is a big city. It is a fantastic school. I will make UW my Berkeley here in the Evergreen State. Who says big protests and intelligent students are reserved for California? The prestige is obviously better than Occidental, a virtual unknown. And while it is not Berkeley, I just get this feeling that I will be disappointed by Berkeley because I only expect it to be so magical. When I look at the classes, and I read more about Cal, the more I realize that it is really not worth the money and years of financial worry.

Too Close to Home
I think I'll grow up at UW just as well as any where else. Maybe even better. I won't be really homesick because I'll have family so close. But I can also get used to this whole idea of living and being an individual adult. There is so much in life to deal with and it's not time for me to start taking too many steps outside my comfort zone. I worry I'll get bored of it or too attached to home after a while, but I will just push myself to study abroad, something I can only afford at UW.

The truth is that UW is worth the value I spend. I will not be as mesmerized as Berkeley or Oxy. But I cannot afford the extra thousands of dollars to fund a glorious education. It really is about what you do with your education, not where you go. This is such a struggle for someone like me who has so much faith in rankings and prestigious titles. But I have to let go for the sake of my sanity and future. I have so much more potential at UW compared to everywhere else.

It's not what I expected. It's not my dream. But it's college. It will be wonderful. I will learn. I will grow.

Berkeley,
Thank you for motivating me for so many years. Although I let go of you now, I will be back. I will be in California one day, I'm not getting that comfortable here in Washington. You inspire me and captivate me, but you also remind me of the Sirens in the Odyssey and I am not that hormonal to crash my ship into the rocky shores that you hail.

Occidental,
You made me believe I could dream and have a different type of education. I will have the same opportunities, maybe more elsewhere, without spending 60k. I love you too, but I will learn just as well at UW without the burden of cost. You're not totally out of the picture, but I may just have to say goodbye as well.

My life has been controlled by college for so many years. This blind ambition. God is sending me a message that all this ambition destroys me. It's good to haves some desire, but I have become so obsessed. UW is my chance to start anew, be the person I really want to be, and live my life to the fullest extent.

So there we have it. I may not be leaving so far away after all... what a thought.

"Break Myself" - Something Corporate

The Darn Future

I am so excited for college. I just wish my decision could be easier. I love all my choices and they all seems so wonderful. But I really have to be smart.

Right now I don't like where I am in life. I am not passionate enough about what I care about. I am lost in so many ways. I need to regain my focus. I need to be more open-minded, less afraid, and wiser. I need to explore the world and go outside my comfort zone. But I also need to get my life back to a steady place.

UW offers me what I need right now. I need that simple, yet excellent education. I will be challenged in many ways, but UW offers me many opportunities to escape the hold of my life at the moment. It gives me the stepping stones toward so much in my life and just a place of solace. I love Seattle. I love my friends going there. I love the size and diversity. I love the cherry blossoms.

Occidental offers me so much different from what I expect. I fear it will be like high school. It is so tiny. It is so intimate. It could really force me to learn and think. But why do I need to spend nearly $15,000 more each year just to learn better? UW has just the same abilities to make me learn in new ways and challenge my mind. No, I didn't get into the honors program which would have really challenged my mind, but I can reapply in the next year. I have a goal at UW! If not, I will double major and excel in my studies. I will find internships and jobs. I will serve my community. I will participate in clubs that really matter and make a real impact. I will grow as a person. No, there is nothing that I exceptionally love about UW, but to tell you the truth it does deserve a place in my top group of schools. I guess the only drawback is the jock/frat atmosphere, which I realize is at every school, even tiny Oxy, the big classes, which I won't really have to take and will search for, and the disatisfaction after so much hard work. But really, I will be happy. It's difficult to get into UW. It doesn't have the ring like Berkeley, but graduate school is when that really matters anyways. UW can prepare excellently for Berkeley. I just need to get my act together. Can't do that much anywhere else without wasting money.

Money holds us back in so many ways, but that's capitalism. I can go in debt if I choose, but Berkeley won't be any better. Can you imagine, a triple dorm room at $12,000 a year? That's silly.

Nevertheless, I am lost. I am so so so lost. I want to make the right decision for these next four years. I am so scared that I will regret every moment of my decision. Yet I also believe every choice I have is excellent. I'll see what a few days of focus on UW leads me to. If I feel regret still I might have to change around my choice.

If anything, at least UW can become like Berkeley:

"University of Washington Student Strike"

Rush

College. I am going crazy.

UW. Occidental. Berkeley? GWU. American.

5 choices. I love the first three, and I am visiting the other two soon, but I still have to wait one week until then. I am so lost.

UW is the school I know will be decent and practical. UW is affordable. It makes sense. I have friends there. The programs are great. Seattle is a pretty awesome city. And I know very assuredly that I will be okay at UW.

Oxy is my wildcard. I haven't even formally visited. The campus was nice. The academics are amazing. The courses offered are the most fascinating classes I have ever heard of. The limitations of its small size and moderately expensive cost are the only two drawbacks.

Berkeley has been my dream for years. It is the crazy choice. It is RIDICULOUSLY expensive. I'll need some luck or amazing effort to earn the money for Cal. But the academics are superior and the school has been my motivation for so long. It's where I want to be for the rest of my life.

The other two are so unknown. I don't even know if I will like DC. It's far away and the East Coast may just not fit for me.

So in the end I am lost as ever. I made a complex scoring system for my three well-researched choices. UW - 6.1; Oxy - 6.05; Cal - 6.03. At least they are better than my control, WSU - 3.02

I am so excited for college. All my choices are spectacular in many ways. But I am so afraid of huge things in each of them. The cost of Cal. The dissatisfaction of UW. The unknown of Oxy.

What is the best choice? What will I be happy with? I know I will struggle with one of these obstacles at every college, and most of my challenges will not be unique to one school. What they say is so true. It's not the college you attend, but what you do with your education and experience. Each of these schools will teach me so much about my life. But it is four years of life that I have been looking forward to for ages.

God send me an omen. Friends, listen and guide me. Conscience, find happiness with whatever happens.

"Vanilla Twilight" - Owl City

Overly Overwhelmed

I have to choose a college. I have less than a month to decide four years of my future.

I should appreciate the choices I have. I've been accepted to seven schools and wait-listed at another. I love all my choices, but money is a cruel, cruel thing.

Nothing makes sense anymore. I am so tired from the yelling. I am so tired from the accusations. I am so exhausted from my life.

I hate this life I live. Hawai'i was a break from this all, but it only postponed the misery I face here. There is no escape.

I can try all I want, but there is no way out.

College is supposed to be my ticket to freedom. My ticket to dreams. My ticket to the life I determine.

But I will be saddled with debts and regrets no matter what choice I make. I wish I could see the positive in this all, but nothing seems great anymore.

I feel so crushed and drained. I just don't want to try anymore. I've been trying for years and trying to fit this culture of achievement and nerdiness. It's weird. I've tried to be a nerd for years. But I regret it so much. I regret all my crazed studying because in the end I'll probably be at the same college as people who had fun partying and drinking all these years while I studied and never slept. I have sacrificed so much of my life for stupid college and now all I have to show for it are schools that I am only somewhat satisfied with and a dream that is entirely out my reach financially. And the seemingly wonderful backup is tainted by the rejection from the Honors program.

I guess I just want to talk to someone about all of this who won't be judgmental and will just provide me with honest advice.

"Shoot the Breeze" - Frankmusik

Hawai'i: Day 9 - Lessons of a Week in Paradise

Today is my final day here.

It started with a swap meet at Aloha Stadium in Aiea. Then we got bubble tea at Ala Moana. We ate lunch next to a group of Netball players from Australia and then headed to Waikiki for some beach time. The afternoon concluded with Waiola Shaved Ice and Zippy's for dinner with the big family. Watched a chipmunk movie and ate yogurt near UH.

As I leave this magical paradise, I realize what I need to do. My Aunt from San Diego called today and discussed college with me. We diverged into my political identity and she claimed that I would not be as liberal when I started to actually live in reality. Then she warned me of the dangers of New York and I quickly reminded her that the homeless people have been kicked out. I guess I sounded delighted by that fact, and she immediately criticized my liberalness.

I disagree with her in a way, but she is largely right. I don't follow my beliefs that strongly. I say one thing, but I still live in comfort, unaffected by what I proclaim. I want to live my life with passion. I want to live as myself. I want to be ME.

There is one thing I have learned most definitely here in Hawai'i. You have to find what you love and dive into it. You can't be afraid of the water. You know it is nice once you dip your head underneath, but I still struggle to jump in. I need to take that risk. I need to go into the ocean of my passions. I need to let my heart take over sometimes. I need to live for what I believe in. I need to go it alone.

I've learned a lot of other things here too. Patience. Piety. The virtue of silence. Respect. Faith. Heart. Calm. Balance. Adaptation. Thinking.

It's all about living. Tomorrow will undoubtedly be crazy as I try to finish my homework and fly back losing three hours, but tomorrow I will be alive. And the next day. If not, hopefully I have lived with meaning. Thank you God for giving me this life as it has been so far, and I pray that I still have it for many many years to come.

Sh'ma Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Echad. Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuto Lolam Va'ed.

Hawai'i: Day 7 - Use Your Telescope

It's April. Often I make mistakes. Often I regret my choices. Yet so often I am worrided, overthinking, and I end up falling off the rocks and wander aimlessly in Yokohama Bay amongst the Great Whites.
Do you ever do things you dislike at the moment but appreciate later?
Do you ever do things you enjoy at the moment but regret later?
Today I've done both. But you can't worry over the past. It has already happened.
The future is no better. As much as I want to know and think about the future, only the work of the moment, the present, makes an difference.
For so long, my passion has been dreaming of my future. I need a new passion. I need to end this headless ambition and find my true love.
The future will come. The past will fade.
Stop thinking. Breathe. Go Do.

This song sums it up:

"Annie Use Your Telescope" - Jack's Mannequin

Hawai'i: Day 6 - Decisions

God knowsw how much I hate making tough decisions. To tell you the truth I wish most everything could be positively predestined. But it isn't. I have high expectations. I have a will. I have the breath I breathe and a heart that beats. I am so alive right now, yet so afraid of all that lies ahead.
My head aches partly from yesterday's painful incident and from all that has happened. I didn't send in all my aid info to all my colleges except the ones who never accepted me. Columbia postponed my decision and placed me on a waitlist. Nothing cleared my choices. In fact I think it just became that much more complicated. There are so many signals God sends me, but I haven't received a definitive message yet. At least it appears I have a path into Occidental since they invited me to a reception!
My good friend got accepted into Columbia. I feel great. He truly deserves that acceptance and he will do so much for this world. I am so grateful to know such inspirational and deserving people so well. Friendship really makes a huge difference in personal self-esteem.
Nevertheless time and life shifts like the waves and buttery sands of Lanikai. Today is April Fool's Day, the first of APRIL. Weird things happen in a manner of months, days, and even hours. LIfe changes. Winds pull us together and break us apart. Humans are fascinating creatures. Sometimes we drift, but we have a will that can drive us to extreme summits, depths, and through astounding obstacles. There is a level of maturity that many people have a chance to reach, but I still have so many paths to travel before I even match the people I admire.
Yes, I am human. Anything IS possible however. Life is out there. All I can do now is enjoy it with my full throttle. Fear nothing.

Live!
Live!
Live!

Hawai'i: Day 5 - Appreciate the Now

I find it really hard to stop whining sometimes. I want a lot sometimes, while I want so little in some ways. I really need to appreciate all I have. I am in Hawai'i!
WE had monstrous winds today, and the waves at Kailua Beach were outrageous. They tossed and turned my body and barreled me toward the shore. I tumbled like a gymnast and flew like a bird a top each crest. There is such freedom in the waves, but it was so lonely by myself. I wish I could transport my friends here.
My family expects so much out of me and my friends just accept me for who I am. Those waves offered me the physical freedom like the spiritural freedom I discover amongst my friends. We can't stay in the ocean forever, so we also have to find happiness on the land.
But on land we can't tumble like in the ocean. I stood on the wood swing at my cousin's house, and then
KABOOM, SPLAT
I fell right on my neck. Now I am paralyzed was my first thought.
But God granted me some grace. I can move my fingers and toes. I can speak. I can see. It's when you're so close to losing everything that you appreciate all you have.
My agony over Stanford and loneliness and shortness has faded. There is so much more in life to live for.

Hawai'i: Day 4 - Washing Dishes

The winds howled tonight. Times are changing. LIfe is intransition. I am at the prime of my life, but I waste so much of it away on trivial pursuits and mediocre living. As I washed dishes tonight I could not help thinking about college. Stanford sent me a second rejection letter to make sure I received the first one. But I realized that I don't have to be a Stanford Cardinal to be unique. Stanford doesn't verify my unique identity, talent, or intelligence. It merely is a crimson name with a lot of money behind it.
I can't live my life constantly washing dishes. I need to be creative. I want to live for adventure and romance... I need a break everey once in a while, but we can't live in heaven no matter how hard we try. Often we resign ourselves to the place we have landed. But I still want to explore this world and discover where I really belong.
So where does this all leave me? UW? Berkeley? Somewhere else? God has challenged me to make a tough choice. In the end no matter what I do will likely work out if I instill passion into my choices. But I still don't know.
At least I have over a month to figure this out and great friends and family. I trust my intuition. If I listen to God and the kindred souls around me I will discover my path.

Hawai'i: Day 3 - Companionship

This evening I enjoyed a Pesach seder with my mumbo-jumbo family and a dish of yogurt and mochi at Yogurtland. I realized how lovely friendship and family really is. I would hate more than anything to be ALONE. Loneliness is quite the dreadful thought. Every moment with friends, other people, and loved ones, builds our own characters, teaches us about the world, and develops a greater wisdom. Friends are giant windows to other valleys, islands, and planets, but if we blind friendships with shades of ignorance and prejudice we miss out on so much of the spectacular view.
Often I think I took a friend's comment too seriously when I was eight. I desperately did not want to be "predictable." Yet predictability is not all that bad. It prepares friends and builds trust. At times I think I am so unpredictable that I lose out.
My friends are everything. I hope I am a good friend. It's a two-way street of laughter, committment, struggle. No matter what batters, tosses and withers a friendship, a real friendship is a yarn that stays even to that bitter last thread.
And still I feel lonely. Friends are great, but I want more than friendship. I want love. I just don't know what it is. I don't think I have ever really fallen in love with anyone. I don't think I've ever had a real crush. I want a crush so badly. Nobody seems to spark my heart to the point in which I really will jump leaps and bounds for their attention and love. One day I want to take my love here to Hawai'i and introduce them to the magic of this paradise. But alas, will I ever find the love to share Lanikai's sunrise with?

Hawai'i: Day 2 - Exquisite

Here on these picturesque isles, every moment seems so much more alive. There is a strong feeling of camaraderie living in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. It's as if all my worries float away in this warm and happy Ohana. Of course I am only on a vacation, so my pleasantry is biased. During my conversations with a Stanford, Brown, and Berkeley graduate on a beautiful porch overlooking Waikiki and the Pacific, i realized how life just sort of.... happens. Yes, I need to work hard. Yes I need to focus. But worry is nowhere in that equation. I have been blesssed with so much opportunity, friendship, and talent in my life, yet fear and worry debilitate me. The people who are truly happy are those who live their lives to the fullest. The people who don't complain and who find happiness in life. I am happy to say that I don't need a huge mansion to fulfill my happiness, but I am picky about location. Yet the more I travel the more I appreciate each locale. Every person and place has a unique and wonderful story. I can make my impact on the world through determination love and faith. Everything will work out fine. I must just let go of all the weary bitter expectations and focus on life as it is.

"Holiday for Real" - Jack's Mannequin

Hawai'i: Day 1 - ALIVE!

I woke up this morning, exhausted. It felt like I had a hangover from the previous night's rejection by Stanford. Last night I was caught up in the worries over my future. It is difficult to make this college choice for four years, but I guess antagonizing over my future won't really help.
My aunt had a good quote while we ate lunch at Ward Center, "if you worry now, you'll only worry double the amount since you'll worry now and later." I do worry way too much. I allow myself to worry and fear this big world to the point of paralysis.
The most importnat hting to do is live. Live for the moment. Live for the soft sand and azure waters that wrap you like a fluid blanket. LIve for the sweet decadence of that chilly flavorful shaved ice. LIve for the delicate and joyous smile of a toddler after he wins a prize or rides an escalator.
It's when we live, really live out each moment that we appreciate what we have. We don't have to be great or wealthy. We live because life is all we have. We might as well love what we do in life because that is all we can do.
My grandpa the physics prof. was helping me today with a research project. I realized firstly how much I do not understand physics, but I also saw how important his intense textbooks and crazy ideas are. Those weird passions build his identity, his vitality. I know I want to help the environment, but I don't know what my true passion is. I live so passively and it won't get me anywhere I want to be. Only problem is I don't know where to go.
And looking back at Stanford, I know that it just isn't my time or place. I don't know what I would do there. I don't have my passion yet. It would be a waste of all that crazy cash. I need ot reinvigorate my passion. Warm weather, family, music, quotes, and vistas will only do so much. I am the ultimate decider of my fate other than good ole' God.