Adventure

That's what we all need. Some adventure in life. Oddly enough I will have adventure undoubtedly next year. Hopefully it won't be an adventure in indebtedness. Hopefully it won't be a struggle through regret. Hopefully it won't be a quest for simple satisfaction.

UW. It's such a weird idea to think that I might be going there.

The other options are options. They exist. Berkeley is there for me to pour thousands of dollars upon it. Occidental and GWU and American the same. UW will still cost money, but money is the one thing I do not think I can handle at all. I can learn to handle weird people and new friends, but I cannot handle finances well. It's just a decision I think that will make me safe. I sort of hate that I want to be so safe, if it is an issue of growing up, then I think my choice comes down to UW or Berkeley. Both will make me grow. Both will offer me a chance to be a new person. However, both have a flaw. I just feel like Berkeley's ginormous cost will be unbearable.

It's a choice between happiness now or happiness for the long-term.
It's a choice between getting happiness or discovering happiness.
It's a choice between fear of money or fear of dissatisfaction.
It's a choice between a wild and new place or a place I think I know well with a social network.
It's a choice between my romantic idealism and the real pragmaticism.
It's a choice between my heart and my head.
It's a choice between pride and humility.

I feel like UW is only going to be emotionally similar to my past four years at high school. Yet I have no assurances that Berkeley will end up as spectacular as I believe it to be. Of course I think it is amazing, but that's based off the campanile and protest history. So little of my love for Berkeley makes sense. I guess that's what love is. I have always told myself to reach out for my love. To go for it no matter what.

And then I pull my heads out of the clouds for a bit. Berkeley is no true love. Yes it is a dream. But a dream that will only be enjoyed for four years. It's a love that is unrequited. Obviously if something shifted a little I would fight for Berkeley. But I just need to let go. I need to let go to repair my heart and soul. Part of the Berkeley dream was that I would enjoy it fearlessly. Instead it would be a dream plagued by misery and fear. I don't want that. It goes against all my beliefs. It goes against who I want to become. But I strongly believe that Berkeley will unravel all the progress I have made in my life for many years to come.

UW offers me a chance for adventure. I cannot afford spring breaks if I go to Berkeley. I cannot explore foreign destinations if I go to Berkeley. I cannot live without drowning in worry about money if I go to Berkeley. UW makes so much sense. UW isn't going to make me starry eyed. UW is what an undergraduate college is about: learning, living, and finding myself.

"Boy Lilikoi" - Jonsi