Dream: Life

Today was yet again a somewhat uncomfortable, but pleasant day. The weather is warming up and the daylight is staying longer into the evening. I woke up rather unsettled and too early, I attended my lecture and actually felt awake during most of it. Then I met up with some friends, new and old to see a cluster in one of the dorms while eating lunch. I then hung out with another friend and enjoyed some fun with whiteboard markers in the research commons of the Allen Library. Afterward I had an awkward time with some old friends for the rest of the afternoon and evening. I really am eager to try my new plan out starting tomorrow, or rather in a mere 10 minutes.

Before I transition to a new theme for April I hope to end my March with a bang. I have one final culminating dream for this month. I dream of the big dream: reality.

I am on the beach relaxing in the sun. I hold the hand of my beloved. I sip some delicious and fresh orange juice. I swim in warm water joyful to be alive and appreciating every moment of life. My little house near the coast in California, or wherever I end up is small, yet homey. I absorb the sweeping views from a nearby park, my wide windows, or on a comfortable vacation in a beautiful place and take in all the grandness of life. I look at myself in the morning after waking up from a refreshing and calm sleep, glad to be who I am. I think about my past and appreciates all the challenges I have gone through and look forward to the future obstacles that will shape me and mold me into a deeper, more real person. I read one of my favorite newspapers in the morning, kiss my family goodbye for the day, and take the subway to work, marveling at the glorious masterpiece of public transportation. I take a deep breath and prepare for an exciting day at work. There will be stress, there will be joy, there will be success, there will be humanity. I do something to make the world a better place. I accept my imperfections and take in the criticisms from those around me. I receive a call from a friend during my lunch break, set by myself, sitting outside on the green roof with some fascinating co-workers. We plan to go on an adventure to the mountains, visit a museum, or try some entirely new cuisine. We'll just do something spontaneous and fun with old friends and newer ones I have met through the years. People like me for who I am, not because I try to be a certain person. A wide circle of acquaintances exists in my life, but more importantly a strong bond of tight-knit friends who I trust are reliably there. I walk back to my work and observe the nature and city around me. I am inspired by an observation and this inspiration builds like a snowball falling down a glacier building faster and faster creating more ideas and exploding with ingenuity. I quickly suggest this new idea to my coworkers and we build more collaboration to create something that will really help make this world a better place. Some people challenge my thought process and I am glad to learn their thoughts. I return from work feeling fulfilled and go home to a loving and genuine family. We run into the occasional argument, but I listen and learn from my mistakes. I learn to love and accept my mistakes. I read a marvelous book that inspires new thoughts and challenges old ways of thinking. I relax with my family to a wonderful movie, television show, or a game of badminton outside, or in the rain we play a thrilling game of monopoly, scrabble, or cards. I go to temple and pray, thanking God for my amazing life and giving me the soul that enables me to dream and continue to grow. I am part of my community, helping serve others by participating in my temple, volunteering with a variety of local organizations to make a difference. I go on a hike somewhere new, or at a favored place. I watch the stars at night. I go camping in the heat of summer, ice skating in the middle of winter and enjoy the glory of the flowers in the spring, the leaves of the fall. I take out my camera and capture the wonder of nature in my backyard, city, and country. I explore new places with my love, friends, family, and occasionally by myself. I let loose and enjoy myself with a fun night every once in a while, completely relaxing and living it up. I exercise at my own pace, but maintain a fitness that keeps me alive. Every moment of life is magical, and I don't even attempt to make it that way. Things just work out as they should, but sometimes they don't, and I flow like the river bends around the stone, compromising by smoothing the stone, while the river flows around gently. Life is an adventure. My dreams are my reality.

"Alligator Sky" - Owl City

Dream: Me

Today felt unfulfilling. I have many goals and aspirations, but today was full of missed opportunities to meet new people, spend my time wisely, apply for fantastic internships or scholarships, read a wonderful book, reflect on life, or enjoy social time with friends. As the evening neared and I exited a wasted meeting at a club, I went to my friends and talked for hours about my life and how unfulfilled I feel. I struggle so much with happiness. But we made a plan and that will be part of my next series of blog posts in April.

But until then, I will continue to dream. I dream today about myself, the one thing I can control for the most part in this crazy world. I dream of being okay. I dream of struggling at some times, but mostly accepting my mistakes and struggles, finding the happiness no matter the situation I land myself in. I dream that I am accepting of myself. I dream that I sit outside in the sun, rain, snow, cold, or hot, and I find the miracles that exist in the special moments of life that exist every day. I dream that I am able to flow through life like a swimmer, a dolphin, or an albatross sliding through the sky. I dream that I find peace within my heart and I have a passion for life instilled deep within me, unbreakable by the obstacles I face. I dream of giving my whole life to someone else, while still preserving the core of who I am. I dream of having an identity that goes beyond a simple label, rather an identity that encompasses the multiplicity of who I dream of being. I dream of a fundamental balance that holds me together despite the chaos that may contradict my inner being. I dream that dreams will thrive within me for long into my life. I dream that I am healthy in the physical body, mental attitude, and emotional spirit. I dream that I hold true to my beliefs and I live a life of purpose. I dream of being honest to myself and those around me. I dream of living with zeal and contentment. I dream of being me, and if there is nothing more to myself than that, then so be it.

"Absolute" - The Fray

Dream: Friends

Today was long, awkward, and lively. I woke up early for biology lab, excitedly anticipating all the new folks I would meet and eager to start a fresh class with a new set of lab partners interesting in the wonders of life. However I arrived only to sit next to someone from high school who I was immensely awkward around and my lab group was depressingly beneath my expectations. I was not thrilled as anyone can tell, but that's life. I clearly just need to pull myself outside my comfort zone and meet new people I've never seen more often so that I run into those new people rather than the typical people from the life of high school. Japanese was a snooze, but lunch was rather enjoyable with a small social babble. In my assigned seat in biology lecture I met someone new, and then I endured through my set of chemistry problems with some new and old friends. Finally class was complete and I walked back to my dorm, exhausted but glad to have done so much in a day without any pain. I then deviated from my schedule by playing badminton with my friends for an hour and indulging in a refreshing smoothie, quite the energizing afternoon. I then actually finished my homework before hanging out with a friend, and now I am here finishing a blog post before 11pm! I am quite proud of myself.

My dream today is of friends. I dream of making new friends and keeping the old ones who make life spectacular. I dream of friends who are reliable, yet surprising. I dream of friends who continue to make life exciting and worthwhile just in their presence. I dream of friends who encourage me to go outside my comfort zone and pull me to places I would never have dreamed of experiencing. I dream of friends who are human and real. I dream of friends who listen and talk, have opinions and open minds. I dream of friends who come from diverse backgrounds and perspectives. I dream of friends who inspire me every day. I dream of having many meaningful friendships that go beyond the material exchange of gifts or the superficial wave in the hallway. I dream of friends who I can fall into the arms of, who will pick me up when I fall, who are willing to show their faults to me, and who are individuals in their own right. All the same I dream of friends who shake my judgments and force me to reconsider my own views of friendship, while still accepting my struggles to accept and adapt to these possibly new and difficult journeys. Friendship is a magical, wonderful thing. I am glad to say that I quite possibly have some of the best friends in the world and while they may have their shortcomings and I still hope to diversify my group of friends, I cherish the friends I have because they have been here for me in the toughest of times and truly accept me for who I am. I love my friends with all me heart and I cannot imagine my world without them. For once this is a dream that is already a reality in many ways, and I can sleep peacefully knowing that I have these wonderful friends.

"Time Lapse Lifeline" - Maria Taylor

Dream: Love

alone.

Today was not fantastic, but it wasn't horrible. I was jolted somewhat by the return to class. If anything I feel fine, but largely uninspired. My classes are mediocre at best, and life currently is dull. I have no romance, not any exciting adventures to discuss, but life happened. I ate lunch with good friends at least and hung out with a friend who's commuting now. I looked at my photographs from my vacation, looked up new music, and followed the latest news about the upcoming Canadian election. I didn't accomplish much today and that puts me in the pits, especially as I am just beginning class. I hate to feel in a lull just as class is beginning. I will try to complete one reading tonight so I don't fall behind already in the first day, but I really need to rest and restore my passion for life.

Today I speak of love. There is wide emptiness in this arena of my life at the moment. Loneliness is a sinking feeling in my heart and just discussing this topic causes my eyes to water. I watch all around me the glory of love, its beautiful warmth binding souls together. While I was in San Francisco I thought every so often about a romantic relationship. I've never had a true romance in my life and I am approaching the ripe age of 19. I know it seems young and I truly have much time left for me to experience so much, but here at university, surrounded by so many folks in couples, so much love abound, I feel so alone.

I dream of love that means something. I dream of love that comes out of nowhere and walks into the room. I dream of love that does not catch my first glance, love that is unintentional, and most definitely not at first sight. I dream of love that catches me off guard. I dream of love that pulls me outside my comfort zone. I dream of love that forces me to let go of the worst of me and inspires the best of me. I dream of going places far and near with my love. I dream of sharing my passions with my love. I dream of love that is unexpected, outside of my plans of life. I dream of love in many forms, but most of all as impossible as it may be, I dream of a love that will last as a couple for infinite time. I am willing to live through the challenges, the heartbreak, the mistakes, the chaos, but I want love so badly. There are times when I see someone who my heart drops for, but fear prevents me from ever seeking the love that I notice. Loneliness seems to pervade, but I am going to keep dreaming for love. I remain too afraid to go after my love because of this horrible world and its constraints. I fear what others will think of me. I fear that all my other dreams will fall apart because of love. I hold back the euphoria of love for the mediocrity that I accept daily for fear of falling into an abyss of further loneliness, but I feel like holding back this dam of joy for so long is pulling me unintentionally into my lonely abyss.

In the mean time I will dream. I will believe. And I will listen to spectacular music.

"Collect Call" - Metric

Dream: Passion

I have had an exquisitely restful break in both cold and rainy San Francisco and Seattle. I have seen smiles of babies and homeless men. I have witnessed driving rainstorms followed by brilliant golden sunshine enlightening sharp cliffs against the ocean. I have felt immense loneliness and heartfelt belonging. I have been through both high stress situations and beautifully comfortable moments. Life is full of amazement, but it is easy to miss it all.

I know that part of passion is joy. Passion is that feeling that no matter the circumstance one can find happiness in a particular interest. For the longest time I have feared having passion. I avoid doing things that involve my full earnestness. For example with most classes, jobs, or other experiences I have encountered, I always manage to do my best to skirt by, rather than delve into what I do. I fear the consequences of diving into any project. If I put too much of myself into it I fear the judgment I will receive when I inevitably make some mistakes. Therefore today I have few passions. I have come to the realization upon this break that whatever I am passionate about doesn't also have to be something I am the best or perfect at. Perfectionism and passion don't have to be companions.

I dream of discovering a passion. I dream of finding contentment in my passion as I grow old. I dream of finding pleasure and joy in a passion despite the judgments of other people towards that passion. I dream of finding a passion that will only earn me respect because people will realize how much passion I put forth towards it, not because I receive validation and praise for my work. I dream of passion that sustains itself. I dream of failing in my passions, falling dramatically out of my comfort zone, but in the end returning to what I love because I have a true passion for it. I dream of passion.

"Arms" - Christina Perri

Dream: Vacation

Today I was planning for my trip all day, and it was crazy. There is so much to prepare for and I'm only getting three hours of sleep tonight before this trip. I am so ready though.

Today I dream of this vacation. I dream of a wonderful trip. I dream of joy with my friends. I dream of doing things outside my comfort zone. I dream of finding peace and calm in the midst of the crazy and absurd. I dream of seeing the beautiful amidst unlikely conditions. I dream of discovering the most amazing ideas, places, and people in the most unusual spots. I dream of being happy. I dream of happiness and I think that's all I want. I just want to be happy no matter the weather, the cost, the people, the situations. I just want to be happy. I believe that if I dream, and believe that everything will work out wonderfully, I will be happy. I will dream tonight of happiness and I trust that happiness will follow throughout this harmonious and glorious trip.

Joy exists.

"Riverside" - Agnes Obel

Dream: Art

Today was a finale. It was the completion of my second quarter at UW and it felt great to end it. The last final I took was more difficult than expected, but that's okay. Now I'm back at home after a rather relaxing afternoon, but I feel quite exhausted from this past week. I cannot wait to go to California and enjoy my life a bit.

I dream today about art. I feel like creativity holds a special place in anyone's life. I dream of taking special photographs that look at the world in a different way or reveal a new perspective of the planet. I want to improve my photographic skills so I can develop something unique from my camera. I want to understand lighting in different situations. I want to thrive even in the dark of the winter and in the bright sun of summer. Life has a lot to offer but through the manipulations of my camera I can discover something new and beyond my initial eyesight. I hope to open my eyes to other types of art. I am excited to go to California and possibly visit one of the renowned art museums in San Francisco. I hope to be exposed to something I never could have imagined. I hope to be thrown out of my realm of knowledge and pushed into an unknown with art. There is a point when life seems dull and everything seems boring, but there is always something interesting to discover in a new place and from a different perspective.

"Architects" - Rise Against

Dream: Joy

Today was an awesome day. I woke up late, but it was fine. I studied a considerable amount of economics, but not too much, and watched the thunder and lightning as the rain started to pour outside my window. I rarely enjoy rain, but today I was enjoying it. I watched funny youtube videos and laughed my head off. I studied some more, watched an awesome Glee episode and discovered lots of new music, which I thought had grown quite stale recently.

My dream today is about fun and excitement. As I have witnessed over the past few days with the tragedy in Japan I have noticed that at any time life could be over just like that _______

And I don't want to end my life without having fully enjoyed it. I have suffered a lot this quarter but I did have a lot of fun too. It's all about balancing the joys in life with the hard work that will hopefully lead to more happiness in the long-run (or at the extensive margin in economic terms...). Joy is easy to find in life. Whether it is a humorous music video, a beautiful rainstorm, or a hilarious comment by a friend, joy exists. Joy exists. I believe it and I dream of a world in which I balance out the stressful goals of life with the joys that exist in the short-term and the long-term. I am excited to have a week full of joy starting on Friday. No matter what, even if the entire week is rainy, I will seek for joy at every corner amongst amazing friends in an amazing part of the world. Joy. It's a miracle.

enjoy this:

"Friday" - Rebecca Black

Dream: Flexibility

Today I had my chemistry final which went over okay. I didn't do any worse than expected, but I still wish I had understood some of the concepts that I had struggled with. Otherwise my day was dull, but it was a beautiful day. Nevertheless no photographs today, I am truly too busy to do much but a simple reflection. I am determined to work harder next quarter, but I feel like this a sign that chemistry is not my forte and I am glad I am sticking with a more simple science degree that I am capable of rather than a more complex one. And if after another quarter of chemistry the struggle is too much, I will let go of my scientific ambitions and move toward other goals in life.

My dream today is about flexibility. This relates in many ways to various topics. I need to be more flexible in life and I dream of being able to flow more fluidly between all the things I do in life rather than stressfully shifting between all the different things I want to do in life. I want to be flexible so that I can deal with different people and not freak out about different relationships. Life is dynamic and I dream of being able to flow amongst the various nooks and crannies presented to me. I dream of being a stream of water that flows between rocks, rough and smooth, over smooth sands, and squeezed between tight chasms. I believe that flexibility can enable, spontaneity, joy, love, fearlessness, and happiness.

This song makes me feel flexible.

"Lean" - Oh Land

Dream: Gusto

Today I studied like no other, in fact I've been studying rather determinedly for the past week and I still feel overwhelmed by my chemistry. I don't understand a thing and I keep trying, and the more I try the more I feel like I don't understand anything. Hopefully tomorrow things will become more clear after a good night's rest. Yet, right now I feel miserably overwhelmed. Nothing is making sense in chemistry and it sucks. I thought I understood it, but I don't and I look at all the work and hours I need for me to be fully competent in the subject. I have never felt so insufficient and dumb. I guess I'm not a chemistry major, but I really want to understand the subject, and it's not like I am totally horrible at it. Rather I am just doing worse than expecting and struggling more than I usually do.

This brings me to my dream today. I dream of having gusto. I dream of having strength. I dream that I will actually work out at a typical pace every day. I dream that I will be able to handle situation with finesse and accept my failures. I dream of going for my dreams. I dream of struggles that I overcome rather than surrendering. I dream of putting forth my full effort to accomplish my goals. I dream of doing things I never thought possible like changing the world, ending carbon emissions, going to Berkeley, finding true love, understanding subjects like chemistry, writing a novel, learning a language, playing a sport. I have so many things I want to do and I believe in my potential, but it is a long road. But I know that I need the fervor, zeal, and gusto of an elephant to turn all these wonderful ideas into reality. The most amazing people in the world know how to concentrate themselves and make the most out of life. They are aware of themselves and don't have to be crazy to make their dreams possible (although we all have to be a little crazy to a degree!) I believe that I have so much potential, but I am going to most definitely turn things around in the upcoming quarter. I am going to make my dreams come true. I am going to apply for jobs, do a stellar job in my classes and make my life dreams become the reality I have always sought.

Life is happening. Life is short, but it is going to be the life I want to live.

"Wonderwall" - Oasis

Dream: Roommate

I woke up quite early this morning for my final, in fact twenty hours ago, so I should be exhausted, but I have quite a lot of energy. Nevertheless tomorrow I will be sleeping A LOT. My final left me uncomfortably uncertain, but it's when we head into the unknown that life becomes much more thrilling. I went to a coffee shop with an old friend, talked to some other friends, watched Berkeley's chemistry lectures online, practiced some chemistry, activated my stellar new phone, and finally enjoyed some time with friends later in the evening. It's rather late, so I haven't had much time to reflect, but today was a good day overall.

Tomorrow I get to study a lot, so no fun to look forward to.

Anyways, my dream tonight is about roommates. I really struggle with the idea of living with other people especially other guys. I've never had many guy friends, I mean seriously I can count them on one hand. I can tolerate other guys, as long as they aren't disgusting slobs, but I am really anxious for next year. I want to feel comfortable where I live, but I also want to be pushed out of my comfort zone a little, maybe make some new friends, and become a more tolerant and open-minded person. I haven't made the friends I expected this year because I didn't put the effort forth to be more social with other people around my floor. I was so overwhelmed with my studies, poor time management, and spent so much time with old high school friends that I missed most every opportunity to make new friends. Hopefully a cluster next year with interesting characters who are also tolerant and easygoing will make me less anxious, build new friendships, and pull me outside of the comfort zone I've hidden within for so long. I'm both excited and nervous, but I hope it'll all work out next year.

"Candles" - Hey Monday

Dream: Service

Today was the final day of class, but I spent most of my time watching the Fuji TV broadcast. I was so worried for my family, but it looks like everything is okay. I focused the rest of the day on my Japanese studies which ironically worked quite well while listening to the Fuji TV broadcast in Japanese. I am so ready to complete my final tomorrow!

My dream today is a dream of service. I dream of serving others, of making the world a better place. This world is crazy, and I believe that I cannot waste my potential trying to protect myself and my selfish interests. Sure I have dreams of beautiful houses with views in California, or a magnificent camera, but the most important thing to me is that I can validate myself by doing something in my life that I believe is worthwhile. I dream of building houses in areas devastated by disasters or helping the poor find jobs. I dream of replanting forests and advocating for environmental justice. I dream of a better future and the only way to turn that dream into a reality is to go out there and make this world a better place.

"Losing Sleep" - Charlotte Sometimes

Dream: Worthwhile Living

Hawaii is beautiful and I hope it stays this way.

Today was good and quite productive, but then as I was about to return back to sleep, I saw the news of the earthquake in Japan. I was jolted out of my contentment. I am scared about the tsunami in Hawaii and praying that no more people die in this horrible disaster. I am all shaken up and don't know how I'll sleep even though I am quite exhausted.

My dream is short today. Life is short. We never know when an earthquake or cancer steals away rich years of life, but other things like ambition, meaningless jobs, fears, can take away years as well in a totally different way. I want to live a meaningful, exciting, vibrant, and joyful life, making every moment worthwhile. I dream that I will spend each day doing different things and learning something new along the way. I have to overcome my fears and insecurities to see my vision come true, but once I can have the courage to let go of the entrapments of my anxieties, I believe that anything is possible. I dream of a life worth living, it's the only one we can enjoy.

"Tonight, Tonight" - Smashing Pumpkins

Dream: Peace

Can I blossom into a peaceful, yet joyful flower?

Today has been stressful. I can feel the anxiety of finals catching up to me. As I reflected on today I realized how much I have deviated from my path and I felt so stressed trying to figure out how to fit everything in to my packed schedule the rest of this week. I only have two days until my final in Japanese and I have spent only four hours studying so far. I don't feel confident about the class and I feel like no amount of time spent studying can change the situation. I also am worried about my chemistry final. So much of my grade is dependent on this single test. I am exhausted and I feel like I am burning out while running on reserve fuel. I am running on adrenaline, and once the andrenaline disappears, I have nothing else to run off of. I am freaking out and I hate it. I tried to take some photographs to reduce my stress level and I have been trying to stick to a rigorous schedule avoiding social time and devoting myself completely to my studies, but I feel myself sinking in the midst of my life. I forgot to do simple things like my laundry or getting my budget completed for my upcoming trip. I have not been focused on schoolwork like I should be. I need to read so much for my chemistry and Japanese courses to feel prepared and I don't feel close at all. I want to show that I understand the material, but I know I don't. I feel full of shame and meaninglessness, knowing that I have nothing else to live for. I have devoted my entire life to academics and failure in this aspect of my life leaves me lifeless and pathetic. I am so afraid of these finals; they are a turning point because I know I will not do as well as I expect for my perfect set of expectations. I know that I will have to accept the fate I am given and expand my horizons beyond this closed-minded vision of happiness found through the validation of others through achievements, but I truly don't know how else to be happy. I am standing at a crossroads now and I hate it in so many ways. I am overwhelmed by emotion and thoughts. My vacation could not come any sooner....

My dream today is my dream of peace. I seek peace on several different levels in my life. First I hope for global peace. I am aware of the inevitability of war in our current state of affairs, but I believe that a calmer world can exist where dialogue between peoples can be productive rather than decisive, and communication can overcome physical displays of power. I also dream of peace in my relationships. Of course I want thrill, excitement, and spontaneity, but I believe that joy can occur without the chaos of divisive drama. At the same time, the battles I run into with friends, love, and family are all building blocks toward creating more peaceful relationships, but it takes lots of trial and error and practice. For example, today my friend was called by a random lady who claimed that she was being cheated on by my friend. Tonight I called the woman and demanded an apology for my friend. I was stern and quite angry in the call, but it worked. I felt proud of myself but looking back on it, there were many other strategies besides making a threatening call to mend the situation. Nevertheless that call really relieved some of my stress in life and boosted my self-confidence. Relationships are difficult to find peace in, but with practice, action, and reflection, relationships can become dynamic, yet serene links. Finally, I dream of peace within myself. This relates to all the other things I dream of like authenticity or self-confidence because with internal peace comes a sense of being and empowerment. If I can look inward for peace I know that I will find it. But currently there is little peace in my heart. My life is full of craziness and stress and anxiety. I hate it and despise it. All the judgments I possess and all the anger I hold within me is infuriating to me. I want to be a person I dream of with a rested heart like a buffer, not a crazy titration. This dream will be tough to pursue, but with my utmost effort I hope that my internal peace can be discovered and nourished.

"Landslide" - Dixie Chicks

Dream: Home

A nice view would be wonderful...

Today was incredibly full as I ramped up my effort toward my academics through my exhaustion, and attended several interesting events. I actually paid attention during class for the most part and I think I learned something. I believe that I really need to drink more water and focus during class more so that I can receive a full benefit from every class. Next quarter will be similarly dull in subject matter, so hopefully I can learn from this quarter to improve my habits in the next few months. After my classes I worked and then headed to the town hall about the UW budget hosted by the president, Phyllis Wise. It was fascinating to watch the students who were passionate about their programs being cut and to immerse myself in the passion that I have been yearning for at UW. Everyone holds a stake in this university and I am so glad to be a part of it because despite the financial struggles I know that I am attending a real university that I can defend with all my heart. I feel a purpose here to protect a wonderful institution and continue to improve the lives of others through a world class education.

Then I did some more homework and wrote a life manifesto. I didn't spend too much time on it, but here it is:

I am human, unique, and not ashamed of it.

I believe that dreams become a reality.

When I was little I saw the world as a magical place full of imagination, creativity, and vibrancy.

Right now the world has more layers than anyone could possibly imagine, but these thick layers of complexity create a spectacular world unlike any other.

I love waking up in the morning to golden sunrises, little children, pleasant surprises, awesome views, and the smell of fresh gardens.

What I know for sure is that life has a way of working itself out even when I least expect it.

I’ve never been more happy than when I have accepted myself for who I am, living spontaneously in the moment doing things I truly enjoy, taking risks I never believed I was capable of trying.

I have a penchant for discovery, photographs that open my eyes to new ideas, and people who open my mind to whole new perspectives.

I wish all of us could be genuine and happy with all of what we are, both imperfections and glories.

I dream of peace within my soul, yet a life full of fantastic twists and turns.

People tell me I am smart, but what I really appreciate is when I am recognized for my passion in others.

I was born to live a life full of meaning, from the sand on my toes at the beach, to helping make someone else’s day minutely better.

I am particularly good at believing in the impossible and aiming for it.

What I want most in the world is to love and be loved honestly and authentically.

I was a fearful person trapped in a world determined by the perceptions of society.

I indulge in exquisitely delicious juices, fresh, ripe pears, Jack’s Mannequin, and real hugs from real friends.

The words I hold closest to my heart are:

the most important thing to be is to just be.

If I get a chance I will travel the world with my love or all of my wonderful friends and family.

I live for hope that dreams can come true.

I believe the most important thing in a person is that they are human and okay with that.

I have an amazing belief that everyone has something special to offer this world even me.

If I had a superpower it would be the ability to offer opportunities to all those people who are barred from their dreams by poverty, disaster, or violence.

I hail to humility.

The big idea of my life is anything is possible no matter what anyone might say as long as I have faith in myself, work hard, and take every twist and turn in stride.

I am dedicated to this planet and the amazing people who happen to live upon it.

I really enjoyed this exercise. After this self-introspective writing, I went to a panel discussion about wasting food in America. It was an eye-opening talk about stuff that I haven't considered for the most part. I'm glad I went and have opened my mind further to a whole new spectrum of issues that need fixing and can be solved with human ingenuity.

Anyways, my day was rather awesome, but on to my dreaming. I am dreaming today about my future home. I dream of a house nestled on a hillside with a gorgeous view. I can do a valley, a ocean, a lake, a city, but as long as it has a view I will be satisfied. Whoever I end up living with will probably determine the rest. I am largely flexible. I want something small so that I can know my home from the inside out, up and down, diagonally and in the time-space continuum. I want to be somewhere where I can find peace in what will be an undoubtedly crazy life. I have a way of running into craziness, but as long as I can find comfort in my loved ones and home I will be fully happy. I live in this triple room right now and I am actually satisfied with the living space. I could do more for sure, and definitely would appreciate a larger bed, but I don't need much more besides a small kitchen and perhaps a living/dining room, and of course my own bathroom. Ideally I would live somewhere where I cannot have a car and I can easily encounter public transportation. I want to live somewhere vibrant. I dream of being in a place full of beauty, wonderful weather, and interesting sights to discover. I dream of simplicity in my new home with wide windows to my view. Honestly I could care less about size as long as my location is lovely with a view of something intriguing. Alas, view homes have an perfectly inelastic supply and I will be forced to pay an exorbitant amount for this ideal home. But that's okay. I can accept the struggle to find my peaceful home for the sake of appreciating every moment I enjoy in that place. And if in the end I fall in love with someone who wants to live in some horridly gigantic house in rural Texas, I will have to accept that because love conquers all. I'll accept life and be happy with what is thrown at me!

"Love Love Love" - Avalanche City

Dream: Authenticity

I won't be FAKE

I am in love with this word: authenticity. It rolls off the tongue, yet has so much meaning and purpose. I am thankful for the existence if this concept.

I was reading last night about this idea of authenticity. I have lived my entire life fearing shame, afraid of disappointing people around me in search for some sort of validation. I have never been proud of myself or okay with who I am. I have been miserable despite my successes and accomplishments. I always have sought a higher achievement, a betterment of myself and I have never accepted anything less. Some might call this stubborn, others might admire my attitude to always aim higher, but most people would probably remark on my insanity. This life of unhappiness, constantly seeking the next goal is unsustainable and full of frustration.

Today was rather dull, but I did have to make a decision and the process of making my choice was agonizing. As I discussed my pros and cons, weighed the emotional implications of my decision while working on chemistry with a friend, another person sitting nearby told me: "just make a decision and stick with it!" with verve. I was astonished that anyone would actually speak up. I was incredibly thankful. It was at that moment that I realized how much of my life I have lived trying to serve others, but only to serve my validation. I was thinking about why I had to go to my friend's concert despite the fact that she was okay with me not attending and I was quite busy studying for finals. I realized that I felt this need to go to merely appease my friend because I lack the creativity or motivation to actually do something nice for my friend. I missed the concert, felt guilty, but I am moving on. I will search for an awesome way to surprise her in the next week and make her feel great, show her how much I care about our friendship beyond superficial attendance at an event.

Life is full of missed opportunities and I dream that I will miss many more. I will miss them, but I will not regret them. Sure, I came to UW, but I cannot regret my choice. I have determined that this is the best option for me and I can no longer fret over what may have been. I dream that I will consider my choices, but I won't dump my anxieties upon others. I dream that I will enjoy life and fully accept the choices I make. I will put full passion into every choice I make, allowing myself to suffer the consequences and reap the benefits. If I have the confidence to fully believe in my choices I will be much happier and feel much more satisfied with life. I dream of living a real life, not a fake one. I will make choices that are meaningful and make life more alive. I will live, live, LIVE! I dream of balancing it all without having to be boring, facing fears and striking them down, throwing myself into situations that cause initial discomfort but help me grow, and having full faith that my future will be great. I will live a life of wonderful risk, making every day worthwhile and every moment memorable.

"Set Fire to the Rain" - Adele

Dream: Exploration

This was a wonderfully productive day. I pumped some iron and stretched while enriching my ears with Adele's new music. I headed downtown to the beautiful and sleek library, studied with a friend and left feeling somewhat accomplished in fact! The sunset was a marvelous jolt of refreshing beauty and my dinner was surprisingly delicious. Tonight I studied some more, and I think I might actually go to sleep at a reasonable time tonight (notice this post before midnight!).

I am dreaming today about exploration, one of the key tenets of my life. I dream of exploring new ideas, places, and people (not in a disgusting way...). I hope to live a life full of variety. I want to try different things, enrich myself with new ideas. I want to live with gusto and zest. I hope to meet new people each day who share a new thought about life with me. I hope to go to a new coffee shop, beach, park, store, road, viewpoint, stadium, library, tree, bench, square, or even hallway every day of my life. I hope to spend each day thinking of unique and unheard of ideas. I hope to open my mind to new perspectives. I dream of driving far, far off into the distance to see where the road takes me. I dream of wandering a neighborhood I've never heard of without a map or any guidance. I hope to find love in people I could never imagine. I know that with an open mind and a willingness to experience new things in life I can grow in ways I could have never imagined. All I need to do to make these dreams of experiential exploration come true is to take a leap of faith and try out these new ideas.

Peace.

"Je Cours" - Stromae

Dream: Health

I had a very calm day today. I probably spent too much time playing computer games, but that's okay, I needed an isolated break. I will put away the game for the next two weeks. It's really going to just be a distraction if I play it at all. I read some books, but didn't accomplish much homework except what was due today. I enjoyed a delicious lunch with friends and went running in the morning in the glorious sunshine.

Today was restorative, tomorrow will be the beginning of the serious study. I am nervous, but also hopeful that I will follow through with my goals. It's easy to let myself slide, but I am going to honestly try to do my best.

In my dream world today I am considering health. I dream that I will exercise several times a week and enjoy it in fact. I will find an activity that I can enjoy and help keep me fit. I will go to the gym every week a few times. I will actually enjoy sports with other people. I will look like I work out and be proud of my body. I will have a strong heart, mind, and soul from my various and exciting physical activities. One day I will play tennis and another I will run up and down the hills wherever I happen to be. I will be happy with my physical appearance and be appreciated for it in a loving way. I will eat healthily. I will learn how to cook wonderfully delicious meals from a variety of cultures full of flavor and gusto. I will try new spices, new vegetable, new ideas when I eat. I will be frugal, yet spontaneous. I will drink my water and avoid supplements that replace what I can attain through fresh fruits, vegetables, and legumes. I will eat locally to help the world and buy my groceries in those reusable bags. I will meditate to keep my mind clear and keep my mind active in work, with puzzles, and all sorts of exciting ideas. I will be strong, proud, happy, healthy, and content with life.

This is all ideal of course. I will give myself slack. I will allow myself that week of lazy sauntering at the beach or allow for the occasionally stressful week, but I hope to combat my stresses through healthful outlets like exercise, yoga, meditation, and volunteering.

Life is wonderful and so much is uncharted. Today is yet another day of hope in the world where my dreams are slowly turning into reality.

"Uncharted" - Sara Bareilles

Dream: Success, Plus my Finals Dead Week Plan

Today was a wonderful day. There is not much tangible reasoning for my good day today, but there is some rational reasoning behind my happiness. I believe that everything will now finally work out and that brings me so much satisfaction. It's great to know that maybe, just maybe life will work out and you can do all the things you dream of.

Anyways I dream today of success and what that means for me. I have been so worried about my grades and my majors and all sorts of stuff related to my reputation and perception. However I hope that my measurement of success will be based not on superficial markers of achievement, but based on my ability to accomplish the dreams I seek. I will measure my success based on how well I can keep my dreams of helping others and improving the world alive and real. I don't need proof necessarily, but I need to put forth the passion and effort that I know lies within me. Success is merely self-satisfaction.

Anyways there's a lot on my mind this upcoming week besides merely preparing for finals.

Things on my mind:
San Francisco Trip
Study Abroad and Academic Planning
Summer Plans and Job Search
Stress Relief
Academics
Reading ¨Collapsed¨

But here's my plan to tackle the dead week.

Step 1: Clarity
- clean my room
- clean my desk
- meditate
- sleep
- isolate

Step 2: Stimulate
- read newspaper
- exercise
- eat well
- read my current book ¨Collapsed¨
- start slow

Step 3: Motivate
- spend some time planning for vacation
- spend some time taking photos
- stretch
- write out my stresses
- talk to people, but only for short periods of time like meals
- watch short documentaries, play games for limited times
- think forward

Step 4: Work
- prioritize
- balance out study time
- go to the library
- drink water, go to the bathroom, eat
- give breaks
- balance

Step 5: Perspective
- unwind with relaxing activities
- manage time to prevent stress and regret
- realize that everything will work out
- breathe

I hope these steps will help me conquer this crazy week, but I know that I can do it. I just really need to go to sleep. It's almost 4 am!

"Inscape" - Stateless

Dream: Balance

The cup is empty: that is my energy now. But I have this identity and expectation of this royally perfect purple life. How unfortunate.

Today I accomplished NOTHING. I had one of the most meaningless days of my life although I spent some good time catching up with a few friends, relatively today was pitiful. I don't know how much worse it can get. Perhaps it has to do with my outlook, but overwhelmingly I contribute my struggles today, to merely get started on my homework, or participate in a civil conversation to my imbalance.

I have not slept. I have not eaten well. I have not been exercising. I feel like a broken record. I have not kept care of myself and I have not been consistently doing the things I need to do to maintain a balanced, less-stressed lifestyle. I am currently setting myself up for stress every day because of high expectations and a failure to follow through with my expectations on even the most basic level.

I dream of a life with balance. I life in which I can wake up without having every day feel like I am trapped in a miserable pit of stress. I have spent so much of my life trying to be someone who does all these things, but I dream of a time when everything I do is truly what I love. I have a life in my future in which I perhaps have occasionally stressful or frustrating days, but overall I have far more days where I can wake up with a jolly smile looking forward to the glory of each new day. I merely dream of a life in which the number of happy days exceeds the number of unhappy ones. Is this too much to ask?

"Broken Record" - Katy B

Dream: Career

Today was busy like a beaver. I started with class and luckily did not have a quiz section for Japanese especially since I was exhausted and sleepy all day. This week is another failure in terms of getting sleep since tonight, the last chance I had to redeem my sleeping schedule has failed. Next week I'm clearing out my schedule so perhaps I will be better balanced; I need balance next week before the dreadful finals arrive the week after.

Back to today, I went to an advising session with my environmental science and resource management major, but discovered that the credit count sets me back a quite a bit and would require another course outside of my four-year-plan adding to my stress and frustration. One of my struggles is that I want to do a science major if my international studies major is my second major, but if I don't get into my international studies major I want to be an environmental studies major. I guess it doesn't matter too much, but I am really stressed by this predicament and I have no clue what to do. I will be speaking to another adviser tomorrow and another adviser on Friday so hopefully I will reach some clarity. I just hope to see all my college dreams come true...

The day continued with plenty of studying (one success story of today!) and other events. I went to a workshop on finding jobs and internships which introduced me to many useful resources and taught me of the realities of the working world. It made me feel like looking back at research, but I seem to be afraid of committment no matter where I turn. That's my ultimate struggle with my major. I don't want to commit to anything I don't truly love. I hate deciding my life because it makes me feel like I am the arbiter of my life when I understand that it truly doesn't work that way. Many other things control our lives besides ourselves and I don't like to push that too much, but I guess I inadvertently do since I have so many dreams.

After this workshop I went to a forum on education comparing different political parties and their student representatives opinions about the issues of education reform and funding. It was quite informative, but I spent most of my time doing economics homework rather than learning anything interesting new.

Now I am here after studying like crazy and doing all these different activities. This was quite a full day, but I am glad I was able to do so much. Tomorrow will be wonderful. I have two quizzes, but no lab so I am free to enjoy a lazy afternoon and catch up on work I have fallen behind on. I will prepare for dead week and restore myself.

Finally we get to the point of this blog post, my first dream post. I want to post one dream post each day to remind me of who I am and who I want to become. Today will be a career post since that is an area of my life that I have no clue about at all.

I dream of a career that enables me both variety and stability. I hope for a stable paycheck that affords me a comfortable, but not a luxurious life. I hope to support my family, but I also want to live a lifestyle that accepts a meager financial situation. I hope to travel either through generous vacation hours and pay or through interesting adventures in my job. My career has potential for growth in learning, while I help others grow as well. I have wonderful coworkers, some who challenge me, support me, befriend me, and maybe even love me. I use my leadership to make a real difference in my community and the world. I help people and the environment. I promote justice and equality. I am a trailblazer either discovering new ideas, leading new movements, or trying new methods. I am changing the world and making a positive impact. I do the grunt work necessary, stress builds on occasion, but I know that it is all worthwhile because I am doing something that truly helps the planet. My job stimulates my mind, challenging me to solve difficult problems and find real and plausible solutions. I do not have to worry too much about fundraising unless it is for a great cause and I most definitely do not spend extensive time on marketing. I am not a door-to-door salesman, a dentist, or a plastic surgeon. I do not work for a greedy corporation particularly an oil company and I have a job that fits within my moral values of meritocracy, passion, justice, equality, and open-mindedness. I feel comfortable being myself in my job, but I am still challenged to become a better person. My dream job fulfills my yearning for meaningfulness, purpose, and betterment of the world.

I better start searching for that job soon!

"Man on the Mountaintop" - Holly Brook/Skylar Grey

Do Again, No Don't

Yet again, I am here, late at night typing this blog entry. Am I fighting who I am, my natural working patterns or am I just lazy? I draw a single connection to my inefficiencies each week. If I sleep on the weekend well I am able to enjoy a week of productivity, but if I mess it up one day, I completely fall apart. I just struggle to keep myself in focus when I lack sleep. I hate this consistent theme, but sleep is truly controlling my life. I have not had a good sleep for weeks and this has prevented me from achieving what I am truly possible of doing. Since I don't resort to caffeinated beverages to provide me energy I need to restore my sleeping habits that I gained in my first quarter and establish a stronger work ethic.

Time can be managed but I need to be aware. My lack of sleep is like a fog on my windshield preventing me from seeing what is directly in front of me. For example today I could not remember what time I scheduled an advising appointment about three minutes after scheduling it. I forgot that I had ordered a book and instead promptly borrowed it from the library.

It is okay in life to make mistakes, but I feel like I haven't had any achievements in a long time. I want to do something with my life. My life needs meaning! I don't do anything right now that I enjoy and that is torturing me. It makes me overextend my time with friends in the evenings until I return so late from hanging out that I cannot accomplish any of my homework.

Things might not really change this quarter since I have watched my life fall apart and I am currently trying to save it from truly collapsing, but next quarter I am going to change things.

One thing I will try to do for the rest of this quarter is dream. I have no interesting dreams today because I am exhausted; my brain has no ideas generating. But hopefully tomorrow despite not completing any of my homework and having no time to do it tomorrow I will be refreshed enough to be a little more productive and finally have some fascinating thoughts.

Good night.

"Someone Like You" - Adele

Organized Chaos

Frustration was the overriding premise of today's mood. I woke up with little sleep from this weekend and even less sleep from the immediate night before. Exhaustion imbued me from my head to my toes. My concentration was obliterated. Upon reaching my oral interview in Japanese I collapsed into mush. Misery and doom subsequently followed my lackluster performance. As I sulked in front of my computer screen I wandered the internet, discovering a fascinating set of descriptions of governments using cows. Besides this discovery my afternoon continued to be abysmal. Sleeplessness presaged my awfully muddled state in chemistry lecture. The logarithms and chemistry notations all began to blur into a slurry of H's, p's, and K's. I kept flipping between notetaking, web surfing, and merely staring into empty space.

Afterwards I was granted a reprive from my series of misfortunes when I finally had an advising appointment with a career counselor. These are the resources that make a university strong, key components like advising link the university beyond the bubble of academia that it can easily settle within. I chose to attend a large research university like UW because I knew that these resources were incredible. Thankfully the resources have sufficed my expectations. The adviser helped me discover some useful websites to find internships and jobs, as well as alumni or people who can offer me more specific advice on determining my career goals. The most important lesson I learned was that I really need to do some introspective reflection if I want to figure out what I want to do with my life. As the meeting concluded he reminded me of one thing, to reach out to others if you feel like you are in a slump. It seems like everyone could notice my stress today, and I most definitely want to change this anxious part of me.

The anxiety has subsided to its typical level, but I can tell it is crippling me just as it has done so in the past. The oral interview was hopefully the nadir of my anxiety's effects, but I fear that I may not be applying my lessons to the reality I face. For example, I am still awake at this horrendously late hour having not completed many of my simple homework or other goals. I have allowed hours of meaningful time sleeping, working, discovering, resting, enjoying life by poorly managing my time. I can see the anxiety in the corner of my mouth where a patch of dry skin becomes inflamed by my virtually involuntary habit of picking at the corner of my mouth when I am stressed. I can feel the exhaustion as I desperately search for the words in my brain, racking the aisles for creative diction to apply to my writing.

Collapse seems to be brutally relevant right now as I read a book about environmental sociological collapses and observe myself falling apart. I must not become the main character of Things Fall Apart. I am Max. I have potential. I can unlock my amazingness with the keys that I have gathered. All I have to do is grab the key and place it in the lock. Sometimes it doesn't work properly, or I accidentally grab the wrong key, but I need to be persistent in my self-improvement if I ever hope to see my dreams come true.

"Now or Never" - Jodie Connor