Dream: Peace

Can I blossom into a peaceful, yet joyful flower?

Today has been stressful. I can feel the anxiety of finals catching up to me. As I reflected on today I realized how much I have deviated from my path and I felt so stressed trying to figure out how to fit everything in to my packed schedule the rest of this week. I only have two days until my final in Japanese and I have spent only four hours studying so far. I don't feel confident about the class and I feel like no amount of time spent studying can change the situation. I also am worried about my chemistry final. So much of my grade is dependent on this single test. I am exhausted and I feel like I am burning out while running on reserve fuel. I am running on adrenaline, and once the andrenaline disappears, I have nothing else to run off of. I am freaking out and I hate it. I tried to take some photographs to reduce my stress level and I have been trying to stick to a rigorous schedule avoiding social time and devoting myself completely to my studies, but I feel myself sinking in the midst of my life. I forgot to do simple things like my laundry or getting my budget completed for my upcoming trip. I have not been focused on schoolwork like I should be. I need to read so much for my chemistry and Japanese courses to feel prepared and I don't feel close at all. I want to show that I understand the material, but I know I don't. I feel full of shame and meaninglessness, knowing that I have nothing else to live for. I have devoted my entire life to academics and failure in this aspect of my life leaves me lifeless and pathetic. I am so afraid of these finals; they are a turning point because I know I will not do as well as I expect for my perfect set of expectations. I know that I will have to accept the fate I am given and expand my horizons beyond this closed-minded vision of happiness found through the validation of others through achievements, but I truly don't know how else to be happy. I am standing at a crossroads now and I hate it in so many ways. I am overwhelmed by emotion and thoughts. My vacation could not come any sooner....

My dream today is my dream of peace. I seek peace on several different levels in my life. First I hope for global peace. I am aware of the inevitability of war in our current state of affairs, but I believe that a calmer world can exist where dialogue between peoples can be productive rather than decisive, and communication can overcome physical displays of power. I also dream of peace in my relationships. Of course I want thrill, excitement, and spontaneity, but I believe that joy can occur without the chaos of divisive drama. At the same time, the battles I run into with friends, love, and family are all building blocks toward creating more peaceful relationships, but it takes lots of trial and error and practice. For example, today my friend was called by a random lady who claimed that she was being cheated on by my friend. Tonight I called the woman and demanded an apology for my friend. I was stern and quite angry in the call, but it worked. I felt proud of myself but looking back on it, there were many other strategies besides making a threatening call to mend the situation. Nevertheless that call really relieved some of my stress in life and boosted my self-confidence. Relationships are difficult to find peace in, but with practice, action, and reflection, relationships can become dynamic, yet serene links. Finally, I dream of peace within myself. This relates to all the other things I dream of like authenticity or self-confidence because with internal peace comes a sense of being and empowerment. If I can look inward for peace I know that I will find it. But currently there is little peace in my heart. My life is full of craziness and stress and anxiety. I hate it and despise it. All the judgments I possess and all the anger I hold within me is infuriating to me. I want to be a person I dream of with a rested heart like a buffer, not a crazy titration. This dream will be tough to pursue, but with my utmost effort I hope that my internal peace can be discovered and nourished.

"Landslide" - Dixie Chicks