Dream: Authenticity

I won't be FAKE

I am in love with this word: authenticity. It rolls off the tongue, yet has so much meaning and purpose. I am thankful for the existence if this concept.

I was reading last night about this idea of authenticity. I have lived my entire life fearing shame, afraid of disappointing people around me in search for some sort of validation. I have never been proud of myself or okay with who I am. I have been miserable despite my successes and accomplishments. I always have sought a higher achievement, a betterment of myself and I have never accepted anything less. Some might call this stubborn, others might admire my attitude to always aim higher, but most people would probably remark on my insanity. This life of unhappiness, constantly seeking the next goal is unsustainable and full of frustration.

Today was rather dull, but I did have to make a decision and the process of making my choice was agonizing. As I discussed my pros and cons, weighed the emotional implications of my decision while working on chemistry with a friend, another person sitting nearby told me: "just make a decision and stick with it!" with verve. I was astonished that anyone would actually speak up. I was incredibly thankful. It was at that moment that I realized how much of my life I have lived trying to serve others, but only to serve my validation. I was thinking about why I had to go to my friend's concert despite the fact that she was okay with me not attending and I was quite busy studying for finals. I realized that I felt this need to go to merely appease my friend because I lack the creativity or motivation to actually do something nice for my friend. I missed the concert, felt guilty, but I am moving on. I will search for an awesome way to surprise her in the next week and make her feel great, show her how much I care about our friendship beyond superficial attendance at an event.

Life is full of missed opportunities and I dream that I will miss many more. I will miss them, but I will not regret them. Sure, I came to UW, but I cannot regret my choice. I have determined that this is the best option for me and I can no longer fret over what may have been. I dream that I will consider my choices, but I won't dump my anxieties upon others. I dream that I will enjoy life and fully accept the choices I make. I will put full passion into every choice I make, allowing myself to suffer the consequences and reap the benefits. If I have the confidence to fully believe in my choices I will be much happier and feel much more satisfied with life. I dream of living a real life, not a fake one. I will make choices that are meaningful and make life more alive. I will live, live, LIVE! I dream of balancing it all without having to be boring, facing fears and striking them down, throwing myself into situations that cause initial discomfort but help me grow, and having full faith that my future will be great. I will live a life of wonderful risk, making every day worthwhile and every moment memorable.

"Set Fire to the Rain" - Adele