Today was miserable. A dearth of hugs. Behind on homework. Unfocused. Teachers lecturing me on my stress level and a degradation of my work quality. Friends questioning my stress level. ASB stress. College stress. Homework stress. Peer stress. Internal stress. I don't have to ramble about all of the stress, but I wish I could talk to someone about it.
I feel incredibly lonely. My best friends seem so unreachable. One seems hostile. Another is awkward. One is totally busy and overwhelmed. And I can't seem to find time for any friend, even the ones with open arms. I am exhausted. I just need someone to reach out to me right now. I guess I need to open myself up, but I am dying inside. I feel like I am rotting away. I feel I have been sent through a meat grinder and a microwave sucking away all my enthusiasm, joy, and happiness.
I will start tomorrow with my plan:
1) Acknowledge the stress
2) Vocalize the stress, write the stress, anything within less than a minute
3) Breathe
4) Think
5) Decide what action to take
6) Breathe
7) Clear the mind and set out all the priorities
8) Delegate
9) Breathe
10) Commit to one thing at a time
11) Then handle more, but slowly
12) Breathe
13) Consider stress level, can I do all that I am committed to?
14) If yes go on to add more stuff, if no, then get what's needed done
15) Breathe
16) Look back and meditate
17) Move forward.
"Such Great Heights" - The Postal Service
In the end, today was good. But I need to just be myself. I need to remove the gucky layers of stress that have covered the real me. And be inspired. And be happy. And find solace.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Competition
Today after class my friends had a debate with me. They believed that the Kumon method of tutoring, repeated memorization, competing against classmates, ultimate aim for perfection, was beneficial for learning in this society because kids need to be prepared for the competitive world. But my belief is that we instill values of competition in children that are unnecessary pressures.
Sure, competitiveness can be beneficial toward getting things done. But only if you want kids to feel immense stress. And it stifles free thinking and creativity. The focus on competition is being the best, leaving little room for friendship, love, and caring. Competition doesn't mean accomplishing dreams, rather it means defeating those around you. At high school we have class rank, and competition drives us. I feel it everywhere: "What college are you applying to? UW isn't good enough for me. What did you get on that test? I got a stupid B+, it's the end of the world! Can I have your assignment; I don't want to fail? What's wrong with cheating? I have a 4.0 so listen to me."
What do people stand for? What's the point of all this cutthroat competitiveness. It really just hurts. The focus on school makes some people downright cold, and I feel that I have lost them as friends. Others begin to have this arrogant attitude. While others still get caught up in it, but never seem to reach that aim of perfection. We can delude ourselves into thinking that we are better than everyone around us, but as Mr. Haff would say, "You are not special."
And it is so true. Nobody's special. Nobody really is better. But when we rank and compare ourselves constantly to one another we only lose out. Because we are lazy. Most people don't become inspired by competition, they just cheat, or plow others to win. And plus, perfection is impossible. Competition just provides a system for people, a way of making sure they are succeeding, for people who don't know what to do with their lives.
I'm glad to have a dream. I have a goal for my life, something to look forward to. I think most kids are missing that. I think most people believe that the only dream is college, or that next party, and to be the top of the class. I once was one of those kids, and I still am largely trapped in the cycle of competition, but I understand its evils so much better now.
When I won those geography bees and was declared the most likely to succeed in middle school I had huge self-esteem. It feels great to be on top. But I crushed everyone beneath me likewise. I built self-confidence and an ego. And the moment I found out that everyone was moving onward to greater things, I felt miserable.
If you live your life in constant competition, you may be happy every once in a while when you reach the top, but you can't stay there forever. One day you'll be kicked out (like eventually Robert Mugabe will be) and you won't be able to control it. We all just have to realize that there is more to life than the destination and the milestones; in fact we just need to realize the greater context. We all must abandon the closed-mindedness of competition if we want to actual discover our full potential.
Together we become better. Together we realize. Friendship trumps competition.
At least in my world
"2Nite" - The Cataracts
Sure, competitiveness can be beneficial toward getting things done. But only if you want kids to feel immense stress. And it stifles free thinking and creativity. The focus on competition is being the best, leaving little room for friendship, love, and caring. Competition doesn't mean accomplishing dreams, rather it means defeating those around you. At high school we have class rank, and competition drives us. I feel it everywhere: "What college are you applying to? UW isn't good enough for me. What did you get on that test? I got a stupid B+, it's the end of the world! Can I have your assignment; I don't want to fail? What's wrong with cheating? I have a 4.0 so listen to me."
What do people stand for? What's the point of all this cutthroat competitiveness. It really just hurts. The focus on school makes some people downright cold, and I feel that I have lost them as friends. Others begin to have this arrogant attitude. While others still get caught up in it, but never seem to reach that aim of perfection. We can delude ourselves into thinking that we are better than everyone around us, but as Mr. Haff would say, "You are not special."
And it is so true. Nobody's special. Nobody really is better. But when we rank and compare ourselves constantly to one another we only lose out. Because we are lazy. Most people don't become inspired by competition, they just cheat, or plow others to win. And plus, perfection is impossible. Competition just provides a system for people, a way of making sure they are succeeding, for people who don't know what to do with their lives.
I'm glad to have a dream. I have a goal for my life, something to look forward to. I think most kids are missing that. I think most people believe that the only dream is college, or that next party, and to be the top of the class. I once was one of those kids, and I still am largely trapped in the cycle of competition, but I understand its evils so much better now.
When I won those geography bees and was declared the most likely to succeed in middle school I had huge self-esteem. It feels great to be on top. But I crushed everyone beneath me likewise. I built self-confidence and an ego. And the moment I found out that everyone was moving onward to greater things, I felt miserable.
If you live your life in constant competition, you may be happy every once in a while when you reach the top, but you can't stay there forever. One day you'll be kicked out (like eventually Robert Mugabe will be) and you won't be able to control it. We all just have to realize that there is more to life than the destination and the milestones; in fact we just need to realize the greater context. We all must abandon the closed-mindedness of competition if we want to actual discover our full potential.
Together we become better. Together we realize. Friendship trumps competition.
At least in my world
"2Nite" - The Cataracts
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Unlike Me
"Unlike Me" - Kate Havnevik
There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly
Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending
There is no time,
There is no time,
There is no time,
Time doesn't really exist.
The past, the present,
And the future,
Are all side by side,
Hand in hand.
You move and change,
Yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.
You stare at me,
And ask me questions,
Makes me nervous,
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I'm on a roller coaster
Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending
There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist
There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel this way often. I feel like time is so unimportant, yet it manages to control my life. I feel so separated from my friends, as if nobody understands me. I feel so exhausted. I feel like I lead a pointless life. I feel a pressure to enjoy this life. I feel a roller coaster of emotions. But I alwasy feel that unlike me, everyone else seems to handle it. Everyone else seems to manage the stresses. And even the stressed out people know how to have fun.
I just need someone. I just need some friends. I just need to know that things will be okay.
Today was yucky. After all the euphoria of homecoming I am so tired and out of focus. I came to school with barely four hours of sleep and an incredible load of stress. I finished the bulk of the doldrums and went to lunch, excited to finally eat out with my friends - until I found out that they left early from third period (the class I tried to get into earlier this year). It shouldn't cause me such grief, but I ended up spending lunch in the melancholy library, unhappily drowning in the misery of study; I didn't even have much homework to make up.
But that's life, I guess. My friends try to console me. Maybe I demand too much. But I spend so much time alone now. I never feel included anymore. I tried so long to reach out to my friends, but now I need them to reach out to me. I feel like all the effort I put into my friendships has been unrequited. I just want a hug. Or a hello. And if possible for someone to reach out to me. But in my desperation I am now talking to the ASB teacher at lunch. I feel like I have lost all my friends. I feel like nobody cares. But I need my friends to survive. And I don't have time right now to find new ones. I don't have the energy to go out searching for them half my lunch in the cold only to find out they aren't at school at all.
Where can I go if I am surrounded by cold shoulders?
There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly
Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending
There is no time,
There is no time,
There is no time,
Time doesn't really exist.
The past, the present,
And the future,
Are all side by side,
Hand in hand.
You move and change,
Yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.
You stare at me,
And ask me questions,
Makes me nervous,
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I'm on a roller coaster
Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending
There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist
There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel this way often. I feel like time is so unimportant, yet it manages to control my life. I feel so separated from my friends, as if nobody understands me. I feel so exhausted. I feel like I lead a pointless life. I feel a pressure to enjoy this life. I feel a roller coaster of emotions. But I alwasy feel that unlike me, everyone else seems to handle it. Everyone else seems to manage the stresses. And even the stressed out people know how to have fun.
I just need someone. I just need some friends. I just need to know that things will be okay.
Today was yucky. After all the euphoria of homecoming I am so tired and out of focus. I came to school with barely four hours of sleep and an incredible load of stress. I finished the bulk of the doldrums and went to lunch, excited to finally eat out with my friends - until I found out that they left early from third period (the class I tried to get into earlier this year). It shouldn't cause me such grief, but I ended up spending lunch in the melancholy library, unhappily drowning in the misery of study; I didn't even have much homework to make up.
But that's life, I guess. My friends try to console me. Maybe I demand too much. But I spend so much time alone now. I never feel included anymore. I tried so long to reach out to my friends, but now I need them to reach out to me. I feel like all the effort I put into my friendships has been unrequited. I just want a hug. Or a hello. And if possible for someone to reach out to me. But in my desperation I am now talking to the ASB teacher at lunch. I feel like I have lost all my friends. I feel like nobody cares. But I need my friends to survive. And I don't have time right now to find new ones. I don't have the energy to go out searching for them half my lunch in the cold only to find out they aren't at school at all.
Where can I go if I am surrounded by cold shoulders?
Monday, October 26, 2009
Is There an Answer?
Getting my life together isn't as easy as I thought it would be. It's nearly ten now, and I haven't even started my homework that I've had one week to complete and is now due tomorrow. Why? Why can't I stop procrastinating? Why am I always behind? Why am I so easily distracted? Why can't I focus on the work? Is it a dangerous malady or is it just laziness? Is it a genetic trait or is it some learned method? I imagine how much more I could have done with my life if I had avoided so much distraction. I am disappointed in myself for succumbing to the Internet, music, phone calls, television, and chats. I can't believe how much time I have wasted just being pitiful. I think drinking would have been more effective than all the time I have wasted.
I guess the main reason I procrastinate so much is because I feel this innate fear of approaching death. I have always struggled to see the point to all the pressure I put myself under, all the undue stress. I know that if I decreased my crazy procrastination the stress level would decrease dramatically, but I worry first about living and then about the things that need to be done. Unfortunately, I have recently forgotten how to live, and all I do is worry myself until it is so late that I cause more worry. I have so many pitiful cycles: depression, procrastination, ignorance... When will I break all the cycles? When will I be freed for real?
I had a temporary freedom this weekend. I avoided all my problems and put them aside for awhile. And that sort of helped me get through it. But now I feel so much regret, guilt, and stress. I need to stop. I can party hard, but I also need to study hard. And yet in all of this I need to relax.
I see so many people living such seemingly simple lives. Are they all just good actors, hiding their stresses within? Or are they truly less stressed out than I am? What is the secret? How can I live the life I want to live without killing myself either through depression or chronic stress? What is the answer? Or is there one?
"TiK ToK" - Ke$ha
I guess the main reason I procrastinate so much is because I feel this innate fear of approaching death. I have always struggled to see the point to all the pressure I put myself under, all the undue stress. I know that if I decreased my crazy procrastination the stress level would decrease dramatically, but I worry first about living and then about the things that need to be done. Unfortunately, I have recently forgotten how to live, and all I do is worry myself until it is so late that I cause more worry. I have so many pitiful cycles: depression, procrastination, ignorance... When will I break all the cycles? When will I be freed for real?
I had a temporary freedom this weekend. I avoided all my problems and put them aside for awhile. And that sort of helped me get through it. But now I feel so much regret, guilt, and stress. I need to stop. I can party hard, but I also need to study hard. And yet in all of this I need to relax.
I see so many people living such seemingly simple lives. Are they all just good actors, hiding their stresses within? Or are they truly less stressed out than I am? What is the secret? How can I live the life I want to live without killing myself either through depression or chronic stress? What is the answer? Or is there one?
"TiK ToK" - Ke$ha
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Careful, Carefree, Care
The past twenty-four hours have been thought-provoking and incredibly self-introspective.
It all began with the before party. The awkward trivialities. The special fancies. And the beauty of the place muffled by all the discomfort and exclusion.
The dance. Continued awkwardness. Continued exclusion. Hopeless at times. Then the play "Gasolina," finally a song I can enjoy. I break out of my shell. I dance without a care for what people think. I forget all the judgements. I forget the exclusiveness of the Asians. I forget the awkwardness of the random people I see or my date. I forget the feelings of misery, self-pity, and loneliness. I just dance. "Good Girls Go Bad," "Whatcha Say," all these songs just make me feel free for those moments of pure joy. I forget so much pain. I forget so much by just dancing. Lady Gaga makes so much sense.
The after party. Thank god. Relaxation. Slight pain from dancing. But free. Free of fear. Free of discomfort. Surrounded by friends. Warmed with light-hearted conversation, Taboo, and apple cider. The songs play, but I am no longer in the heat. I am on the sofa. Being myself. Being happy. The stresses of life disappear. And I can BREATHE. I can be ME. I don't pretend to be someone who I am expected to be. The expectations fly away. The fears melt. The judgments disintegrate.
I felt free for the first time in so long. I felt relieved from all the worries. I felt the stresses crumble. I felt happy.
I guess I just need to stop engulfing myself in so much stress at once and give myself time for the good friendships that bring me so much euphoria. It's SENIOR year, and I need to enjoy it. I need to abandon all the stupid worries. I need to focus on what really matters. Friends, family, class president, college apps, and most of all pure enjoyment. I am here now, and who knows what will happen in the next few months. I will cherish these moments so deeply.
And I'm going to stop being so cautious. If you are always careful, you will never be freed. If you are always afraid of risk you will never learn. If you are afraid to step outside your comfort zone you will never know what more you can be.
"Careful" - Paramore
It all began with the before party. The awkward trivialities. The special fancies. And the beauty of the place muffled by all the discomfort and exclusion.
The dance. Continued awkwardness. Continued exclusion. Hopeless at times. Then the play "Gasolina," finally a song I can enjoy. I break out of my shell. I dance without a care for what people think. I forget all the judgements. I forget the exclusiveness of the Asians. I forget the awkwardness of the random people I see or my date. I forget the feelings of misery, self-pity, and loneliness. I just dance. "Good Girls Go Bad," "Whatcha Say," all these songs just make me feel free for those moments of pure joy. I forget so much pain. I forget so much by just dancing. Lady Gaga makes so much sense.
The after party. Thank god. Relaxation. Slight pain from dancing. But free. Free of fear. Free of discomfort. Surrounded by friends. Warmed with light-hearted conversation, Taboo, and apple cider. The songs play, but I am no longer in the heat. I am on the sofa. Being myself. Being happy. The stresses of life disappear. And I can BREATHE. I can be ME. I don't pretend to be someone who I am expected to be. The expectations fly away. The fears melt. The judgments disintegrate.
I felt free for the first time in so long. I felt relieved from all the worries. I felt the stresses crumble. I felt happy.
I guess I just need to stop engulfing myself in so much stress at once and give myself time for the good friendships that bring me so much euphoria. It's SENIOR year, and I need to enjoy it. I need to abandon all the stupid worries. I need to focus on what really matters. Friends, family, class president, college apps, and most of all pure enjoyment. I am here now, and who knows what will happen in the next few months. I will cherish these moments so deeply.
And I'm going to stop being so cautious. If you are always careful, you will never be freed. If you are always afraid of risk you will never learn. If you are afraid to step outside your comfort zone you will never know what more you can be.
"Careful" - Paramore
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thrill
I awoke groggily at 5:30, and quickly annihilated my alarm. Then I woke up from my Dad surprised that it was 6:00. My heart raced. I had to take a shower, eat, prep for school, make my lunch, and get there by 6:30. And I didn't. I didn't even get to where I needed to go until 6:45. But that's life. Then I set up for the assembly, barely awake. I continued to tread lightly through the day, unable to really comprehend it all. I couldn't appreciate the small wonderful moments. But I tried. I was happy today. I felt satisfied that we had a wonderful spirit chair. I was astounded by our class spirit. And we dominated the competition, culminating in the "check" made on butcher paper. But it was quite the euphoria. Engulfed in the spirit of the Senior section, surrounded by the excitement of my friends, discussing the hot topics, drinking Naked juice, and eating fatty food.
The life we live in can be appreciated. I feel exulted. I need to balance my time better, but I am approaching a greater balance. I am figuring out how to organize it all. And this offers me hope for the next few weeks when I need to crack down on college applications.
Life is crazy, but I don't want to ride the lazy river. I want to go on the crazy roller coasters because after all the trauma there is so much thrill and satisfaction. It may be more dangerous, and it may be harmful in the long-run, but if I just worry about living a long, yet mediocre existence, then I will probably be ironically hit by a truck. Death is scary. And i know I don't want to live in fear of it, so I must find happiness in all of life. Misery should not overcome me every waking moment of the day. And in the complex and frustrating times, I need to learn to handle it all.
To top it all off, I had an amazing week and it all culminates in a super dance tomorrow. I am so excited. All the drama is over. All the stress is receding. And tomorrow, the only stress, the only drama will be muffled in the excitement of homecoming. It's that beautiful time in fall when this dance becomes so marvelous. All the tension of asking that one girl. Hoping that it will all work out well. Learning to break from past mistakes. But most of all having a blast!!!
"Homecoming" - Hey Monday
The life we live in can be appreciated. I feel exulted. I need to balance my time better, but I am approaching a greater balance. I am figuring out how to organize it all. And this offers me hope for the next few weeks when I need to crack down on college applications.
Life is crazy, but I don't want to ride the lazy river. I want to go on the crazy roller coasters because after all the trauma there is so much thrill and satisfaction. It may be more dangerous, and it may be harmful in the long-run, but if I just worry about living a long, yet mediocre existence, then I will probably be ironically hit by a truck. Death is scary. And i know I don't want to live in fear of it, so I must find happiness in all of life. Misery should not overcome me every waking moment of the day. And in the complex and frustrating times, I need to learn to handle it all.
To top it all off, I had an amazing week and it all culminates in a super dance tomorrow. I am so excited. All the drama is over. All the stress is receding. And tomorrow, the only stress, the only drama will be muffled in the excitement of homecoming. It's that beautiful time in fall when this dance becomes so marvelous. All the tension of asking that one girl. Hoping that it will all work out well. Learning to break from past mistakes. But most of all having a blast!!!
"Homecoming" - Hey Monday
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Want
We prefer to be told sugar-coated ideals and optimistic thoughts. We like the people who try to make us happy. But the words that stick with us are the ones that hurt. And we're hurt because we either are insecure about what has been said or we are afraid of what has been said. Words only hurt when they reveal something uncomfortable. For some swearing reveals discomfort. For others it may be lustful imagery. And for others the talk of grades or timeliness may have the same affect. But no matter what, we seem to throw aside the petty pep talks in exchange for the harsher, yet more penetrating words.
We want to be told everything is alright. And it can be a good thing when the emotions of misery and desperation overtake everything. But we need to stop. We can live life pretending that a few words will fix all our problems. Kind actions speak so much louder than words. Meaningful, yet terse statements make for more impact than verbose and eloquent speeches. Yes, there are times for beautiful language, but sometimes we spend too much time with our heads in the clouds pretending everything will be fixed with pretty words that we lose touch with the ground.
So please I hope that I can detract from the want for unsustainable fluff, and accept the criticisms, realities, and discomforts of the world. If not I will only be more fearful of the world.
And fear holds us all back.
"Headlock" Imogen Heap
We want to be told everything is alright. And it can be a good thing when the emotions of misery and desperation overtake everything. But we need to stop. We can live life pretending that a few words will fix all our problems. Kind actions speak so much louder than words. Meaningful, yet terse statements make for more impact than verbose and eloquent speeches. Yes, there are times for beautiful language, but sometimes we spend too much time with our heads in the clouds pretending everything will be fixed with pretty words that we lose touch with the ground.
So please I hope that I can detract from the want for unsustainable fluff, and accept the criticisms, realities, and discomforts of the world. If not I will only be more fearful of the world.
And fear holds us all back.
"Headlock" Imogen Heap
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I am who I am
"Don't Wait" - Dashboard Confessional
Sometimes I feel like my life is like this. I am overwhelmed by the craziness. And everything and everyone seems to move around me so quickly. I guess it is just as beautiful as it is overwhelming.
Today was weird. I was exhausted. I was tired. And I had to organize so much. But in the end I have time to think. I actually faced my stupid and irrational actions. I really realized how much I need sleep sometimes. Just to ensure my sanity. I do a lot of stupid things. But for once I shut my mouth. I still feel so insecure about some of my friendships. I don't want to be felt as superior to anybody. But I guess that's what communication is for.
One thing I realized today is that I spend too much time meandering with talk to some of my friends. The only problem with that is words are nice but they can only do so much. It's the actions that stand out far more often (at least in my world) than the many words that I am pelted with every day. I only feel quieter because speaking seems so less vital. I don't know what makes a real friendship, but I feel like I am slowly releasing my real self.
I am not happy. But that doesn't mean I am depressed. I just need to find myself some solace in accomplishment of my goals. I need to first of all write out my goals! I need to cleanse myself and reflect. There is not enough time in the day usually. But I will find time. I will work that much harder during my day to finish my homework and reduce my heavy workload. I need to be free from all the burdens. When I am free I am so different. But how can I be free if I am addicted to work? Priorities. The small joys. There are so many pieces of advice, but beading them all together is so difficult. I won't ever be perfect, so I guess I just have to accept my life as it is. It's difficult, I take everything so personally. But work, and leadership, and friends are helping me to understand that I can't take every small thing personally.
Who am I? I don't know. But I am who I am and I am sorry if you dislike that. But if you can accept me for who I am I will open my heart and let you enter.
Sometimes I feel like my life is like this. I am overwhelmed by the craziness. And everything and everyone seems to move around me so quickly. I guess it is just as beautiful as it is overwhelming.
Today was weird. I was exhausted. I was tired. And I had to organize so much. But in the end I have time to think. I actually faced my stupid and irrational actions. I really realized how much I need sleep sometimes. Just to ensure my sanity. I do a lot of stupid things. But for once I shut my mouth. I still feel so insecure about some of my friendships. I don't want to be felt as superior to anybody. But I guess that's what communication is for.
One thing I realized today is that I spend too much time meandering with talk to some of my friends. The only problem with that is words are nice but they can only do so much. It's the actions that stand out far more often (at least in my world) than the many words that I am pelted with every day. I only feel quieter because speaking seems so less vital. I don't know what makes a real friendship, but I feel like I am slowly releasing my real self.
I am not happy. But that doesn't mean I am depressed. I just need to find myself some solace in accomplishment of my goals. I need to first of all write out my goals! I need to cleanse myself and reflect. There is not enough time in the day usually. But I will find time. I will work that much harder during my day to finish my homework and reduce my heavy workload. I need to be free from all the burdens. When I am free I am so different. But how can I be free if I am addicted to work? Priorities. The small joys. There are so many pieces of advice, but beading them all together is so difficult. I won't ever be perfect, so I guess I just have to accept my life as it is. It's difficult, I take everything so personally. But work, and leadership, and friends are helping me to understand that I can't take every small thing personally.
Who am I? I don't know. But I am who I am and I am sorry if you dislike that. But if you can accept me for who I am I will open my heart and let you enter.
Monday, October 19, 2009
So What
There is supposed to be a "so what" factor in my essay for English class. It's far easier on paper to understand than in life. But in life those "so what" factors are so crucial. I wish people would just try once to move beyond themselves. I wish they could just challenge themselves every once in a while. I don't want to continue my silent treatment. I want to rejuvenate my friendships. I want to restore the spirit of my rapports, but I am closing off until I feel like I know what is real. I cannot continue to live a lie. I cannot continue to change myself for the inclusion of others. I cannot continue appealing to others. I am breaking the cycle as painful as it may be. I am ending the pity when I see it, by ignoring it. And until those who really want to maintain their friendships with me can stop the pity and be real with me, I cannot accept them as real friends.
I am not ending any friendships. But I am putting everything into perspective. I realized last week that I have been pushed around a lot, mostly by my own doing, so that I could fit in with a particular group. But I want to be freed. I want to know if I can trust my friends. I want to know if they are not just amicable and actually care about my welfare. I have made many mistakes with my friendships, but I have also put a lot of passion into them. I just want some of the same care I put into my friendships towards me. If it doesn't happen, that's life, but I am ending the cycle of pity once and for all.
I'm sorry if this seems incredulous and mean. I don't mean it to be that way. But if you can move past that and understand the point, or even try to understand the point, you are maturing. There is no simple solution and I have no task to be accomplished. But I know who already has succeeded and who has tried but failed. If you want to give up be my guest, and I will gladly restore the lame friendship I had. But I need to move forward, and I need to know who will accept that.
Yes, this is stupid. But we all need to be stupid before we can become wise.
This is me searching for that "so what" factor in life. It's very difficult and I'm not even sure where I am going, but I know what isn't right, I just don't know what is.
"Did It Again" - Shakira
I feel like I can relate to Shakira. Just a bit.
I am not ending any friendships. But I am putting everything into perspective. I realized last week that I have been pushed around a lot, mostly by my own doing, so that I could fit in with a particular group. But I want to be freed. I want to know if I can trust my friends. I want to know if they are not just amicable and actually care about my welfare. I have made many mistakes with my friendships, but I have also put a lot of passion into them. I just want some of the same care I put into my friendships towards me. If it doesn't happen, that's life, but I am ending the cycle of pity once and for all.
I'm sorry if this seems incredulous and mean. I don't mean it to be that way. But if you can move past that and understand the point, or even try to understand the point, you are maturing. There is no simple solution and I have no task to be accomplished. But I know who already has succeeded and who has tried but failed. If you want to give up be my guest, and I will gladly restore the lame friendship I had. But I need to move forward, and I need to know who will accept that.
Yes, this is stupid. But we all need to be stupid before we can become wise.
This is me searching for that "so what" factor in life. It's very difficult and I'm not even sure where I am going, but I know what isn't right, I just don't know what is.
"Did It Again" - Shakira
I feel like I can relate to Shakira. Just a bit.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Dealing with the Downs
I have had one of those weekends. One of those weekends you sort of want to forget and you sort of want to remember. One of those weekends that leave an imprint on your life. I realize I am blessed. I have lived through this stress without mono or alcohol or even caffeine. I have survived. And that's something to be proud of. But I know I have to be more than just alive. I won't be happy with myself if I am satisfied with such a simple goal.
I always say I care about other people more so than anything else. But I never do much to make a difference. I don't go out and protest, although I do whine a lot to rather ineffectual people. I don't do enough community service because I am afraid to do it alone or I am held back by other commitments as I try to appease particular groups of people. I can't do everything. But I can improve. I will fail some people. I will make many mistakes. As much as I say I care about other people, this weekend I realized how self-centered I am. I try so hard to get people to fit within my comfort zone rather than me moving out of mine. I try so hard to make my life easy. I even realized the vicious cycle I live in.
1. The moment, a comparison, a judgment, discomfort, etc.
ex) Class Ranking, Criticism, Homecoming Group Changes
2. The anxiety and questions
ex) OMG my group changed! What do I do?
3. The depression and self-pity
ex) this sucks, well this must mean my whole life sucks, I might as well die
4. The declaration, whining, complaining, crying, lamenting
ex) (Me to a friend) "I am so depressed! Help me! I don't know what to do! I am such a horrible person!"
5. The temporary consolation
ex) (Friend to me) "It'll be alright, don't worry about it, you work too hard, people love you, we care about you."
6. The self-gratification, pride, and ego lift
ex) Well if my friend accepts and says all these nice things to me, my life is okay. In fact I am pretty happy and proud of myself.
And then 1 repeats when I realize that I am not so special and I get an F on my Stats test. And the whole cycle repeats. Someone tries to make me feel better, and it works for a while, long enough to make it seem like it was a good thing. But I need real help. I don't want pity. I want someone to slap me. I want someone to lower my ego, but save me from the inevitable suicidal thoughts. It won't be easy, but if someone is willing to help me, then I am determined to change.
I desperately want to break this cycle. I can't live life like this anymore. I have a lot to do and it is driving me crazy, but I am learning so much along the way. I really need to set my goals which I meant to do so long ago. I need to have a light at the end of the tunnel. But I can't just have a one track mind. I need to also figure out how to live for the moment, cherish the journey, and be the person I want to be.
The real me is waiting to be known. I see it in myself every once in a while; those short moments of wit and the times when I actually make an impact on the community. I see it when I speak out my heart or when I write out my blog. But I feel so trapped at high school, trying to make my peers happy and attempting to fulfill the odd unspoken obligations of the teenager.
I saw a beautiful movie this weekend with a good friend, New York, I Love You. I missed the first two of the ten segments, but I found so much to take to heart. What made it the best was that we sat on the stairs since we were so late and there were no seats. But even though we paid for those super expensive seats I had just as much fun (probably more) because of the imperfection of the situation. I really had fun. I really stepped out of my comfort shell a bit. I revealed a bit of who I really am. For a few moments I wasn't the perpetual perfectionist. I wasn't the crazed timely nazi. I wasn't the insanely overemotional effeminate guy. For just a brief moment or two I was able to be free, to be who I think, want, and really am. I am still trying to figure it out, and who I want to be will also change, but I feel there is progress just because I have realized my predictable pattern and I can finally deal with the issue head on.
"Breathe In" - Frou Frou
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVXdvbhSaVo
I highly recommend this video. It really reminds us all to remember that every individual person has a deeper life story that we should try to understand. I know I need to work harder on understanding people.
I always say I care about other people more so than anything else. But I never do much to make a difference. I don't go out and protest, although I do whine a lot to rather ineffectual people. I don't do enough community service because I am afraid to do it alone or I am held back by other commitments as I try to appease particular groups of people. I can't do everything. But I can improve. I will fail some people. I will make many mistakes. As much as I say I care about other people, this weekend I realized how self-centered I am. I try so hard to get people to fit within my comfort zone rather than me moving out of mine. I try so hard to make my life easy. I even realized the vicious cycle I live in.
1. The moment, a comparison, a judgment, discomfort, etc.
ex) Class Ranking, Criticism, Homecoming Group Changes
2. The anxiety and questions
ex) OMG my group changed! What do I do?
3. The depression and self-pity
ex) this sucks, well this must mean my whole life sucks, I might as well die
4. The declaration, whining, complaining, crying, lamenting
ex) (Me to a friend) "I am so depressed! Help me! I don't know what to do! I am such a horrible person!"
5. The temporary consolation
ex) (Friend to me) "It'll be alright, don't worry about it, you work too hard, people love you, we care about you."
6. The self-gratification, pride, and ego lift
ex) Well if my friend accepts and says all these nice things to me, my life is okay. In fact I am pretty happy and proud of myself.
And then 1 repeats when I realize that I am not so special and I get an F on my Stats test. And the whole cycle repeats. Someone tries to make me feel better, and it works for a while, long enough to make it seem like it was a good thing. But I need real help. I don't want pity. I want someone to slap me. I want someone to lower my ego, but save me from the inevitable suicidal thoughts. It won't be easy, but if someone is willing to help me, then I am determined to change.
I desperately want to break this cycle. I can't live life like this anymore. I have a lot to do and it is driving me crazy, but I am learning so much along the way. I really need to set my goals which I meant to do so long ago. I need to have a light at the end of the tunnel. But I can't just have a one track mind. I need to also figure out how to live for the moment, cherish the journey, and be the person I want to be.
The real me is waiting to be known. I see it in myself every once in a while; those short moments of wit and the times when I actually make an impact on the community. I see it when I speak out my heart or when I write out my blog. But I feel so trapped at high school, trying to make my peers happy and attempting to fulfill the odd unspoken obligations of the teenager.
I saw a beautiful movie this weekend with a good friend, New York, I Love You. I missed the first two of the ten segments, but I found so much to take to heart. What made it the best was that we sat on the stairs since we were so late and there were no seats. But even though we paid for those super expensive seats I had just as much fun (probably more) because of the imperfection of the situation. I really had fun. I really stepped out of my comfort shell a bit. I revealed a bit of who I really am. For a few moments I wasn't the perpetual perfectionist. I wasn't the crazed timely nazi. I wasn't the insanely overemotional effeminate guy. For just a brief moment or two I was able to be free, to be who I think, want, and really am. I am still trying to figure it out, and who I want to be will also change, but I feel there is progress just because I have realized my predictable pattern and I can finally deal with the issue head on.
"Breathe In" - Frou Frou
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVXdvbhSaVo
I highly recommend this video. It really reminds us all to remember that every individual person has a deeper life story that we should try to understand. I know I need to work harder on understanding people.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Anger, Regret, and Misunderstanding
Mass hysteria. Jealousy. Frustration. Disturbance. Shock. Misinterpretation. Passing judgment. Slander. Freaking out. Finger pointing. Stubbornness. Hatred. Self-Pity. Ignorance. Appeasement. I have committed so much sinfulness. I hate myself right now. I am still angry. I am still frustrated. But I have realized how much my ego has destroyed me. I thought I was getting somewhere with my life, but I now realize how horrible of a person I am. And I don't want pity, or someone to tell me, "It's alright, you aren't really like that." I hate myself right now because I am so closed-minded and unaccepting of other people's opinions. I feel ungrateful and selfish. I hate how I have assumed that I was somehow better than other people because I am not a jock or I am not popular or I have good grades. I hate how I have turned my stresses into anxieties for others. I hate how I have implicated others for my own flaws. I have been a horrible person and there is nothing you can say to make me feel good. In fact I want someone to just slap me or to shake me and knock some sense into my bitter and ugly soul.
I'm tired of garnering people's sympathy. And I'm tired of letting my life be controlled and swayed by the emotions of other people. I am tired of trying to be someone I am not to appease the masses. I am tired of living in chronic stress. I am tired of being a funsucker.
Today I blamed my friend for everything. I am still incredibly angry at him. And I don't know exactly why, but I am really angry at him. It's quite a conundrum because I have tried to pretend anger towards him in the past, but nothing was real. Now I feel intense frustration and I can't even bring myself to talk to him. I don't know what is wrong, but I want to figure it out.
I also went to a football game tonight. I went to go have fun, but all I did was complain, complain, and complain some more. What is wrong with me? Why is it that I am always so stressed out around people and I always worry like crazy?
I am sorry. I am sorry for being dreadful. I am sorry for being so incredulous. I am sorry for being a horrible friend. I am sorry for my vengefulness. I am sorry for my corrupted thinking. I am sorry for destroying joy. I am sorry.
I am near tears. I am in so much emotional distraught attempting to figure it all out. I've lived for so long in a state of caution, fearful to take a step outside myself. And now as I have become aware of my mistakes and faults, I am feeling miserable. I know I have to learn from it all, but I don't know how. I don't know where to go. I don't know who to look to.
And the worst part is that I don't think anyway understands me at all. I try so hard to explain myself but I always get responses that only cause me frustration. I wish people knew the real me. I wish I was more like I think I am on the inside. I may not be the greatest person in the world, but inside I am the chill guy that is comfortable with myself and life. Inside I am the guy who wants to just relax and enjoy life. Inside I have dreams, but I am calm and focused on accomplishing them. Inside I care about people passionately, but I don't make it about myself. Inside I am quiet and thoughtful.
But everyone knows me as the horrifying person that I always show. Part of it is fear to be the real me, and part of it is some inordinate pressure to suffice the expectations of my peers. But in any case, I am tired of being who I am not.
If anyone understands me, please help me. I am so much deeper on the inside, and I just want people to stop looking down on me because I am horrible at expressing what is on the inside. This blog is probably impossible to discern, but I am trying to get a point across. Please help me if you understand. I just need something. I don't know what i need. But I really am in need.
"If You Only Knew" - Shinedown
I'm tired of garnering people's sympathy. And I'm tired of letting my life be controlled and swayed by the emotions of other people. I am tired of trying to be someone I am not to appease the masses. I am tired of living in chronic stress. I am tired of being a funsucker.
Today I blamed my friend for everything. I am still incredibly angry at him. And I don't know exactly why, but I am really angry at him. It's quite a conundrum because I have tried to pretend anger towards him in the past, but nothing was real. Now I feel intense frustration and I can't even bring myself to talk to him. I don't know what is wrong, but I want to figure it out.
I also went to a football game tonight. I went to go have fun, but all I did was complain, complain, and complain some more. What is wrong with me? Why is it that I am always so stressed out around people and I always worry like crazy?
I am sorry. I am sorry for being dreadful. I am sorry for being so incredulous. I am sorry for being a horrible friend. I am sorry for my vengefulness. I am sorry for my corrupted thinking. I am sorry for destroying joy. I am sorry.
I am near tears. I am in so much emotional distraught attempting to figure it all out. I've lived for so long in a state of caution, fearful to take a step outside myself. And now as I have become aware of my mistakes and faults, I am feeling miserable. I know I have to learn from it all, but I don't know how. I don't know where to go. I don't know who to look to.
And the worst part is that I don't think anyway understands me at all. I try so hard to explain myself but I always get responses that only cause me frustration. I wish people knew the real me. I wish I was more like I think I am on the inside. I may not be the greatest person in the world, but inside I am the chill guy that is comfortable with myself and life. Inside I am the guy who wants to just relax and enjoy life. Inside I have dreams, but I am calm and focused on accomplishing them. Inside I care about people passionately, but I don't make it about myself. Inside I am quiet and thoughtful.
But everyone knows me as the horrifying person that I always show. Part of it is fear to be the real me, and part of it is some inordinate pressure to suffice the expectations of my peers. But in any case, I am tired of being who I am not.
If anyone understands me, please help me. I am so much deeper on the inside, and I just want people to stop looking down on me because I am horrible at expressing what is on the inside. This blog is probably impossible to discern, but I am trying to get a point across. Please help me if you understand. I just need something. I don't know what i need. But I really am in need.
"If You Only Knew" - Shinedown
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Appeasers
Appeasement is the reason my relatives died in the Holocaust. Compromise is the reason that slavery and the subsequent discrimination against African-Americans and other minorities perpetuated for so long. People need to take a stance. I'm tired of waiting for equal rights for all people regardless of sexuality. I'm tired of people trying to make everyone else happy.
Today has been wacky. Or rather this afternoon. Dealing with Homecoming is far worse than I expected. So many curveballs have been thrown at me. And I'm not in control of anything. The worst thing is that I feel completely subordinate. I feel like I'm being controlled. There is one thing I cannot stand in the world and that is losing my free will. I hate the idea of destiny I guess. I hate the idea of strict systems. I hate the idea of a single test score affecting the college you get into. I hate how small details can have such a damaging impact on a person's life.
I wish people would stop trying to appease. I try so hard to make a stance, but I knew I would be hated for it eventually. And now I'm dealing with the consequences of my opinionated life. I hate myself sometimes. I feel so trapped. I have to clean up the messes of my friend asking one girl to homecoming instead of another. I have to make late-night decisions that are far too stressful for me. I can't afford 55 for a limo ride. I can't afford a dinner at a golf club. I have always felt poor compared to my fellow classmates, but it never really affected me because I've always been really frugal. But now I have to deal with all this. I'm expected to spend all this money as if I'm rolling in dough. And then my friends can't follow deadlines for a project. I've been up so late waiting for them. But I know I can't do it without them.
I'm just so enthralled in emotion right now. Nothing seems to be going as it was planned. I feel like I'm going insane. I'm so exhausted. I'm so tired. I want to cry. I want to laugh. But i'm stuck in this abyss of stress. I can't escape. I try to grab onto something to get out, but all I can do is scream and blame others for the problems.
I feel like a debbie downer. I feel like I'm trying to drag everyone else down with me. But I also feel like nobody understands how much stress I am feeling right now. There are just too many emotions right now.
I guess all I want is a hug.
no music today. it's just not appropriate.
Today has been wacky. Or rather this afternoon. Dealing with Homecoming is far worse than I expected. So many curveballs have been thrown at me. And I'm not in control of anything. The worst thing is that I feel completely subordinate. I feel like I'm being controlled. There is one thing I cannot stand in the world and that is losing my free will. I hate the idea of destiny I guess. I hate the idea of strict systems. I hate the idea of a single test score affecting the college you get into. I hate how small details can have such a damaging impact on a person's life.
I wish people would stop trying to appease. I try so hard to make a stance, but I knew I would be hated for it eventually. And now I'm dealing with the consequences of my opinionated life. I hate myself sometimes. I feel so trapped. I have to clean up the messes of my friend asking one girl to homecoming instead of another. I have to make late-night decisions that are far too stressful for me. I can't afford 55 for a limo ride. I can't afford a dinner at a golf club. I have always felt poor compared to my fellow classmates, but it never really affected me because I've always been really frugal. But now I have to deal with all this. I'm expected to spend all this money as if I'm rolling in dough. And then my friends can't follow deadlines for a project. I've been up so late waiting for them. But I know I can't do it without them.
I'm just so enthralled in emotion right now. Nothing seems to be going as it was planned. I feel like I'm going insane. I'm so exhausted. I'm so tired. I want to cry. I want to laugh. But i'm stuck in this abyss of stress. I can't escape. I try to grab onto something to get out, but all I can do is scream and blame others for the problems.
I feel like a debbie downer. I feel like I'm trying to drag everyone else down with me. But I also feel like nobody understands how much stress I am feeling right now. There are just too many emotions right now.
I guess all I want is a hug.
no music today. it's just not appropriate.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Hypocrite
I tell my friend advice, frankly, quite good advice. But I can't even follow through with my own advice. I am near collapse. I need to take a break. Thank god for the PSAT tomorrow, but I don't have a day off mid-week every week. How can I handle all of this? I don't need to go through the list again. It's just a load of bricks. I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to set my priorities straight.
Sometimes I just feel like I have failed. I have so many expectations. I want to live beyond the simple completion of tasks, but I cannot even get the robotic mundanities finished. I feel so miserable. I just want to enjoy my senior year but I feel trapped in a psychotic whirlpool of heavylifting. I really want to have fun when I can, and for me the most fun thing to do is hang out with my friends. But my friends are always busy. Or always doing things amongst themselves. I am glad for the moments I do get with my friends, but I feel like everything is so serious these days.
The biggest problem is myself. I am always worried about other people, and I try to close my own emotions off from others. But I know that I need to be open if I want to feel less miserable. If I keep holding all the stress in, I will explode. If anything, I spend plenty of time with my friends, but its always stressful, since I am always worried by how little time we have left.
Why can't I be normal? Why can't I enjoy the fleeting and spontaneous moment? Why is everything in my life so drab and mechanical? I just want to have fun. I just want to relax. But I don't think I know how to...
help
Sometimes I just feel like I have failed. I have so many expectations. I want to live beyond the simple completion of tasks, but I cannot even get the robotic mundanities finished. I feel so miserable. I just want to enjoy my senior year but I feel trapped in a psychotic whirlpool of heavylifting. I really want to have fun when I can, and for me the most fun thing to do is hang out with my friends. But my friends are always busy. Or always doing things amongst themselves. I am glad for the moments I do get with my friends, but I feel like everything is so serious these days.
The biggest problem is myself. I am always worried about other people, and I try to close my own emotions off from others. But I know that I need to be open if I want to feel less miserable. If I keep holding all the stress in, I will explode. If anything, I spend plenty of time with my friends, but its always stressful, since I am always worried by how little time we have left.
Why can't I be normal? Why can't I enjoy the fleeting and spontaneous moment? Why is everything in my life so drab and mechanical? I just want to have fun. I just want to relax. But I don't think I know how to...
help
Monday, October 12, 2009
Remind Yourself
We must always remind ourselves to live a greater purpose in life. My school has so many grade-focused individuals. Most of them are incredibly capable people who can manage their grades, extra-curriculars, sports, and quality relationships. But most of us cannot balance everything, or at least we haven't learned how to. Balance is difficult to achieve in life. When we can't balance, we must prioritize.
Priorities are a temporary way to get through the gunk of life. Unfortunately I have been living in prioritizing mode for the better of the last two months. It is not very fulfilling, although it helps to bring perspective into life and get things done. But you are limited by your list. Sometimes the list actually manifests itself into a crazy obsession such as what I deal with, constantly trying to fill up the list so I feel like I am "doing" something. However I feel strained to complete the endless tasks and I never feel accomplished by just writing down my list of to dos.
The most important thing to do is to live beyond the homework, the lists, the planners, the grades, the test scores. To live for a greater purpose is far more fulfilling. I have been inspired by many things in my life and I always feel slightly guilty learning about the misfortunate who have far more courage and meaning in their lives than I do. However I am mostly inspired by these stories. One night I was looking for a better understanding of life in South Africa and I stumbled on this blog: http://livinglifebreathlessly.blogspot.com/
For one thing, I was surprised not to find a blog about the culture of South Africa, but of a girl's struggle with cystic fibrosis and her new lungs she received, allowing her to breathe. I cannot get a sense of what life would be like without breathing. But this girl had to live with shallow breaths for much of life, afflicted with a miserable disease, and still survived. Again I feel slightly guilty, but this girl doesn't want to guilt people, rather she wants to inspire us to live better lives. She writes about her daily life like the rest of us bloggers, and that inspires her because living a normal life is her only dream.
So, don't forget how powerful life is just as it is. Be thankful for what you have now. You may feel miserable at the moment, but take it in and put your life in perspective. Be inspired by people like Alice with cystic fibrosis just hoping to go to the local braai (Afrikaans for bbq), and finally able to because she can breathe.
Breathing. So fundamental, yet some people don't have the chance to do so.
"Breathe Me (Remix)" - Sia
Always inspired by this song, and now I found a remix! Always a new flair to this touching music.
Priorities are a temporary way to get through the gunk of life. Unfortunately I have been living in prioritizing mode for the better of the last two months. It is not very fulfilling, although it helps to bring perspective into life and get things done. But you are limited by your list. Sometimes the list actually manifests itself into a crazy obsession such as what I deal with, constantly trying to fill up the list so I feel like I am "doing" something. However I feel strained to complete the endless tasks and I never feel accomplished by just writing down my list of to dos.
The most important thing to do is to live beyond the homework, the lists, the planners, the grades, the test scores. To live for a greater purpose is far more fulfilling. I have been inspired by many things in my life and I always feel slightly guilty learning about the misfortunate who have far more courage and meaning in their lives than I do. However I am mostly inspired by these stories. One night I was looking for a better understanding of life in South Africa and I stumbled on this blog: http://livinglifebreathlessly.blogspot.com/
For one thing, I was surprised not to find a blog about the culture of South Africa, but of a girl's struggle with cystic fibrosis and her new lungs she received, allowing her to breathe. I cannot get a sense of what life would be like without breathing. But this girl had to live with shallow breaths for much of life, afflicted with a miserable disease, and still survived. Again I feel slightly guilty, but this girl doesn't want to guilt people, rather she wants to inspire us to live better lives. She writes about her daily life like the rest of us bloggers, and that inspires her because living a normal life is her only dream.
So, don't forget how powerful life is just as it is. Be thankful for what you have now. You may feel miserable at the moment, but take it in and put your life in perspective. Be inspired by people like Alice with cystic fibrosis just hoping to go to the local braai (Afrikaans for bbq), and finally able to because she can breathe.
Breathing. So fundamental, yet some people don't have the chance to do so.
"Breathe Me (Remix)" - Sia
Always inspired by this song, and now I found a remix! Always a new flair to this touching music.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Journeys
Be real. Be yourself. Cherish these moments. Why do I so want to cherish the moments we have now? Why do I feel they are so precious? I guess I really need to stop worrying about trying so hard to make the moments so great.
Today I planned on going to the Olympic Sculpture Park with my friends. It became slightly larger than I expected and one of my friends brought her boyfriend with us who we didn't know. It sort of split our group in two. We arrived incredibly late, and I complained and stressed out about it the entire ride. When we finally arrived I felt more stressed out than I wanted to be because we had time limits that nobody seemed to be aware of. It's very difficult for me to relax if I don't have plenty of time to do things or if there is no plan to things. I know other people are fine with going with the flow, but the problem is if everyone does that then other problems happen, so I feel like I am left to plan and organize the nitty gritty details. I feel like I can't enjoy the time I spend with my friends because I am stuck in this position. I wish I didn't have this role of organizer all the time. It's stressful trying to appease to everyone and I forget to have a good time myself. I enjoyed my excursion to Seattle today, but I really wish it had been less stressful and more fun.
I need to learn to have more fun in less time. I need to learn to enjoy the journey rather than the destination. I guess I have to stop trying to satisfy everyone. I CAN'T BE PERFECT!
I really wish I was more like my friends. They worry so little about the stupid things I freak out over. Like sharing dishes. Or going into people's fridges. Or being late. I am such a perfectionist, but I don't know how to stop. When I am "perfect" I take no risks, and therefore I am limiting myself. I always thought I knew what perfection was, but now I know that it is such an impossibility that it shouldn't even exist as a concept. Perfect. What does that mean?
I remember reading a book in elementary school about the topic. It was something like "How to be perfect." I didn't really understand the book. It said that there were three steps to being perfect, something like not sleeping, doing nothing, and something else. I could not understand, and I thought it was rather stupid. I mean, it was obvious even when I was 9 that sleeplessness was not perfection. I have yearned for perfection for a long time. But perfection is not all that matters. If I only enjoy the destination, I will only be satisfied with life at one point. But if I can find joy in the journey, I can be so much happier.
Finding joy in the journey will not come naturally to me without stepping outside my comfort zone. I cannot be afraid. I cannot lose motivation. I am looking forward to this month. It will not be easy. But I will survive. No, I won't just survive, I will thrive. Each moment will be wonderful even if it doesn't seem that way at first. Party every day. Struggle every day. Live every day!
"Steppin Out" - Kaskade
Today I planned on going to the Olympic Sculpture Park with my friends. It became slightly larger than I expected and one of my friends brought her boyfriend with us who we didn't know. It sort of split our group in two. We arrived incredibly late, and I complained and stressed out about it the entire ride. When we finally arrived I felt more stressed out than I wanted to be because we had time limits that nobody seemed to be aware of. It's very difficult for me to relax if I don't have plenty of time to do things or if there is no plan to things. I know other people are fine with going with the flow, but the problem is if everyone does that then other problems happen, so I feel like I am left to plan and organize the nitty gritty details. I feel like I can't enjoy the time I spend with my friends because I am stuck in this position. I wish I didn't have this role of organizer all the time. It's stressful trying to appease to everyone and I forget to have a good time myself. I enjoyed my excursion to Seattle today, but I really wish it had been less stressful and more fun.
I need to learn to have more fun in less time. I need to learn to enjoy the journey rather than the destination. I guess I have to stop trying to satisfy everyone. I CAN'T BE PERFECT!
I really wish I was more like my friends. They worry so little about the stupid things I freak out over. Like sharing dishes. Or going into people's fridges. Or being late. I am such a perfectionist, but I don't know how to stop. When I am "perfect" I take no risks, and therefore I am limiting myself. I always thought I knew what perfection was, but now I know that it is such an impossibility that it shouldn't even exist as a concept. Perfect. What does that mean?
I remember reading a book in elementary school about the topic. It was something like "How to be perfect." I didn't really understand the book. It said that there were three steps to being perfect, something like not sleeping, doing nothing, and something else. I could not understand, and I thought it was rather stupid. I mean, it was obvious even when I was 9 that sleeplessness was not perfection. I have yearned for perfection for a long time. But perfection is not all that matters. If I only enjoy the destination, I will only be satisfied with life at one point. But if I can find joy in the journey, I can be so much happier.
Finding joy in the journey will not come naturally to me without stepping outside my comfort zone. I cannot be afraid. I cannot lose motivation. I am looking forward to this month. It will not be easy. But I will survive. No, I won't just survive, I will thrive. Each moment will be wonderful even if it doesn't seem that way at first. Party every day. Struggle every day. Live every day!
"Steppin Out" - Kaskade
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
F = :) ?
The despised letter: F. F stands for failure. F stands for f---. F stands for misery and doom. F stands for the end of a restaurant or a financial scheme. F stands for the closure of college dreams. But I have an F and I am surprisingly.... happy?
No, I am not really giddy by the 50% score on my Stats test. Or the 33% on the physics problem. But I know I am horrible with applied math. I really hate math, but I know it is useful and even though my worst type of math is applied math, I think it is the most interesting. I rarely fail, and for some reason I don't care that much. Maybe it's because grades are not as crucial in twelfth grade. But they are still important. I think the biggest change is my mindset. I am no longer looking at my grades as a measure of my capability, but as a benchmark of my learning. An F means I obviously didn't get it, and I need to try A LOT harder. I also need to sleep A LOT more. But despite these abysmal scores I am more determined than ever before to take the step to improve. I am stepping far outside my comfort zone with these Fs, but I will never become better if I don't take any risk.
So yes, an F equals happiness right now. There are far more important things in the world than grades. I just asked the girl I have a crush on to homecoming. It really was quite a step outside my comfort zone. It really saved me today. I know I won't be dating, but I at least took the step to be social so that I can at least be more than just a robot that spills out numbers.
And probably the most powerful moment (or hour) of my life was this Tuesday. It was a miserable day. And my friend was having an even more miserable time. I pretend that everyone around me is really quite happy with their lives, but we all hide inside shells of happiness. It is such a relief to eat junk food and sit in the car with a friend and just let out all the frustration. It really helps to not feel alone in this world. I hope my friend understands that despite all the hardship there is so much in life to live for. It really struck me that we hold so much emotion within us and we forget to take care of ourselves. It hurts us so much when we try to ignore our own needs. In fact the more we put aside our needs, the more we hold back from our maximum potential. We all need to take time to sit and cry and talk to a friend. I want to make an effort to help whomever is left alone each day at lunch and may not have a friend to lean on. We can't depend on our friends like a safety net, but we need our friends every once in a while to just fall on. That's probably the best way to deal with all the compounded pressures of life.
So my life has been filled with ups and downs.
"Everything Went Down" - Kate Tucker and the Sons of Sweden
The lyrics are so applicable: "Everything Went down on Tuesday"
"Crush" - David Archuleta
This totally relates to today, for simple reasons.
"Chokola" - Lady May
I don't even have a clue what this song is talking about although it is from Namibia. Probably sex or drugs or something, but it is a perfect mix of African and techno beats. And it totally makes me feel free and less worried. We should all try to dance around like the Namibians.
No, I am not really giddy by the 50% score on my Stats test. Or the 33% on the physics problem. But I know I am horrible with applied math. I really hate math, but I know it is useful and even though my worst type of math is applied math, I think it is the most interesting. I rarely fail, and for some reason I don't care that much. Maybe it's because grades are not as crucial in twelfth grade. But they are still important. I think the biggest change is my mindset. I am no longer looking at my grades as a measure of my capability, but as a benchmark of my learning. An F means I obviously didn't get it, and I need to try A LOT harder. I also need to sleep A LOT more. But despite these abysmal scores I am more determined than ever before to take the step to improve. I am stepping far outside my comfort zone with these Fs, but I will never become better if I don't take any risk.
So yes, an F equals happiness right now. There are far more important things in the world than grades. I just asked the girl I have a crush on to homecoming. It really was quite a step outside my comfort zone. It really saved me today. I know I won't be dating, but I at least took the step to be social so that I can at least be more than just a robot that spills out numbers.
And probably the most powerful moment (or hour) of my life was this Tuesday. It was a miserable day. And my friend was having an even more miserable time. I pretend that everyone around me is really quite happy with their lives, but we all hide inside shells of happiness. It is such a relief to eat junk food and sit in the car with a friend and just let out all the frustration. It really helps to not feel alone in this world. I hope my friend understands that despite all the hardship there is so much in life to live for. It really struck me that we hold so much emotion within us and we forget to take care of ourselves. It hurts us so much when we try to ignore our own needs. In fact the more we put aside our needs, the more we hold back from our maximum potential. We all need to take time to sit and cry and talk to a friend. I want to make an effort to help whomever is left alone each day at lunch and may not have a friend to lean on. We can't depend on our friends like a safety net, but we need our friends every once in a while to just fall on. That's probably the best way to deal with all the compounded pressures of life.
So my life has been filled with ups and downs.
"Everything Went Down" - Kate Tucker and the Sons of Sweden
The lyrics are so applicable: "Everything Went down on Tuesday"
"Crush" - David Archuleta
This totally relates to today, for simple reasons.
"Chokola" - Lady May
I don't even have a clue what this song is talking about although it is from Namibia. Probably sex or drugs or something, but it is a perfect mix of African and techno beats. And it totally makes me feel free and less worried. We should all try to dance around like the Namibians.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Start
I began the journey today. The tumultuous and stifling path toward college application. I have three apps right now and possibly a fourth if time permits. There is just too much to do. But I must begin. I wrote out the entire schedule tonight. I will complete my homework, get some sleep, and then the crushing work will begin tomorrow. I have this weekend to cram in two or three essays as well as a scholarship application.
I wish I had done it earlier. I wish I didn't procrastinate so much. But what can I do. I can look back on the past and try to learn from the mistakes, but I can't change anything. I can move forward and progress. I have a plan. I have goals. And I have a reward system. When I succeed I will reward myself with an outing. For example on Sunday I would like to go to Seattle and see the Olympic Sculpture Park with some friends. It is probably one of my favorite places to go and see. I just hope I can go with someone this time.
I went this weekend. It was spectacularly restive. But I miss the endearing companionship that my friends invoke. I need their company to feel more alive. I shouldn't depend on friends, but I really believe that I am as intrinsically connected with my friends as I am with the rest of my life. Without my friends I am just Swiss cheese. Filled with holes and quick to spoil.
A Banned Advertisement about Soweto
South Africa is one of my favorite countries in the world and this video is quite thought-provoking. Hopefully it will help you understand the racism inherent to that country and found around the world from different eyes.
I wish I had done it earlier. I wish I didn't procrastinate so much. But what can I do. I can look back on the past and try to learn from the mistakes, but I can't change anything. I can move forward and progress. I have a plan. I have goals. And I have a reward system. When I succeed I will reward myself with an outing. For example on Sunday I would like to go to Seattle and see the Olympic Sculpture Park with some friends. It is probably one of my favorite places to go and see. I just hope I can go with someone this time.
I went this weekend. It was spectacularly restive. But I miss the endearing companionship that my friends invoke. I need their company to feel more alive. I shouldn't depend on friends, but I really believe that I am as intrinsically connected with my friends as I am with the rest of my life. Without my friends I am just Swiss cheese. Filled with holes and quick to spoil.
A Banned Advertisement about Soweto
South Africa is one of my favorite countries in the world and this video is quite thought-provoking. Hopefully it will help you understand the racism inherent to that country and found around the world from different eyes.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
石の上にも三年
The above proverb says: Ishino uenimo sannen. When translated this says, that sitting on a stone for three years will make anything possible. And while sitting on a stone forever may not necessarily accomplish your goals, perseverance can overcome all things. If we persevere we may realize our goals are too short or even too lofty, but if we don't keep trying, trying, and trying, we will never know.
I have a mid-term goal that is paramount to my life: college. I have my dream college that I will never be able to go to unless I can muster up incredible courage, luck, and will. I have already failed myself by not staying motivated and losing faith with myself in the past. I am probably past the point when I can make up for my mistakes to get into Berkeley, but I will keep trying. Those carillon bells above the eucalyptus inspire me every day. I do my triangle push-ups in martial arts and I think of Berkeley and the library. I do my boring Stats homework and I imagine myself in the laboratory with nobel laureates and diverse students. I do the tedious auction and fundraising work keeping in mind Sproul Plaza and the innumerable student organizations that inspire even more activism. I go to JSA and meander through the silly speeches and whines of the affluent suburban teenager, eager to go to a school where protest is cool. Maybe Berkeley is just a symbol for what I want; I know I can have just as great an experience at many other more affordable colleges. But I want to challenge myself. I want to achieve something that may not be possible for all. Tonight I even went and had a dinner with the head of undergraduate admissions (I sat next to him!). What sets me apart is my passion for my goal.
That's all you need. You need to find inspiration. You need to find a goal. You need to accept that you may fail, but you need to dream. You need to find a dream in which you can enjoy every step along the way.
I have a friend who truly embodies this journey-focus, rather than a focus on the destination. He plays ultimate all the time, runs every day, sleeps at least eight hours a night, and manages to be ranked eleventh in the class. How does he do it? I don't really know, but I assume that he doesn't care what others think and focuses on enjoying the moment. It helps that he is smart, but even if he didn't have such a great GPA, he would be happy. He doesn't need recognition or a number to find satisfaction. He lives to live.
I don't think we all should necessarily live like him because some people need to try. But we cannot forget to live. I can imagine myself continuing down this path, only working all the time, hoping for some reward later on. But I need to step out of the workaholic path every once in a while, not only for relaxation, but to improve my abilities and to reflect on self-improvement.
The moment you can accept that you are not perfect, you can accomplish anything.
"You See Berkeley"
Yes it's an ad, but maybe you can understand my passion for this dream.
I have a mid-term goal that is paramount to my life: college. I have my dream college that I will never be able to go to unless I can muster up incredible courage, luck, and will. I have already failed myself by not staying motivated and losing faith with myself in the past. I am probably past the point when I can make up for my mistakes to get into Berkeley, but I will keep trying. Those carillon bells above the eucalyptus inspire me every day. I do my triangle push-ups in martial arts and I think of Berkeley and the library. I do my boring Stats homework and I imagine myself in the laboratory with nobel laureates and diverse students. I do the tedious auction and fundraising work keeping in mind Sproul Plaza and the innumerable student organizations that inspire even more activism. I go to JSA and meander through the silly speeches and whines of the affluent suburban teenager, eager to go to a school where protest is cool. Maybe Berkeley is just a symbol for what I want; I know I can have just as great an experience at many other more affordable colleges. But I want to challenge myself. I want to achieve something that may not be possible for all. Tonight I even went and had a dinner with the head of undergraduate admissions (I sat next to him!). What sets me apart is my passion for my goal.
That's all you need. You need to find inspiration. You need to find a goal. You need to accept that you may fail, but you need to dream. You need to find a dream in which you can enjoy every step along the way.
I have a friend who truly embodies this journey-focus, rather than a focus on the destination. He plays ultimate all the time, runs every day, sleeps at least eight hours a night, and manages to be ranked eleventh in the class. How does he do it? I don't really know, but I assume that he doesn't care what others think and focuses on enjoying the moment. It helps that he is smart, but even if he didn't have such a great GPA, he would be happy. He doesn't need recognition or a number to find satisfaction. He lives to live.
I don't think we all should necessarily live like him because some people need to try. But we cannot forget to live. I can imagine myself continuing down this path, only working all the time, hoping for some reward later on. But I need to step out of the workaholic path every once in a while, not only for relaxation, but to improve my abilities and to reflect on self-improvement.
The moment you can accept that you are not perfect, you can accomplish anything.
"You See Berkeley"
Yes it's an ad, but maybe you can understand my passion for this dream.
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